Some Questions

[decades]

I would submit that 80% of women, yes Your GFs, your Wives, have Internet buddies that are gaming them in some fashion, usually in the guise of trusted confidant. They are politely told no, by Your GF and Your wife; but the flirtations will continue. Attached Women everywhere rejoiced when Al Gore invented the Internet.

 

[Purple-Haze]

While jealousy is never the move, I don't see any harm in marking your territory.

My wife tells me about some random dude trying to get in her pants, I say something like:

"Heh.. poor guy. He has no idea how in love you are with me."

or

"Really? Too bad that ass is MINE" (grab ass and bite neck)

I'm still dismissive but at the same time I'm claiming her.

@PurpleHaze,

This doesn't sound like a dealbreaker. Your man is confident and laid-back enough to deal with the apparent hurricane you call your emotions...

BUT

There has to be some give and take to find the middle-ground. You should be learning to mellow (less freak-outs) and he should learn to express his emotions more effectively, otherwise the relationship is going nowhere.

Feel free to post other sticking points you have. This little detail of yours sounds like a symptom of deeper problems and it's hard to deduce without a wider perspective.

What I bolded above is how I would've liked him to respond (if we had the exchange in person). Since it was over the phone, verbalizing the sentiment would've sufficed.

The contrast of his mellowness to my emotional needs is what gets me sometimes. It is definitely something for us to work through.

Thanks for the post Senor. Your wife is a lucky lady!!

 

[Purple-Haze]

KUDOS

Havent read all the responses but i DO know that this is what i am still currently seeking, as far as controlling the frame. controlling MY OWN EMOTIONS.

i think we ALL seek validation and PURPLE you feel that this is what you are missing. even maybe on a subciounscious level.

are there other things that his "attitude" remains this way within the relationship. sex? dates? his he stale with everything else or does this only apply to scenerios like the one given?

you also said you want a strong confident cave like man. i believe that this is what you have. he is confident in his relationship with you and expresses himself through his actions not his words

Care to explain to me what controlling the frame is all about? And why do you want to control your emotions? Wouldn't you rather be free? I mean, don't throw it all at once at her...but it's good to be a little emotive.

And you are right, this is about validation.

We've had other struggles too. Our R is a bit complicated because I came out of LTR of many years and brought along a bit of baggage with me. At first, I did throw drama and theatrics his way (along with nagging and the like). But to my credit, I have tried to curb this sort of behaviour for the sake of our R.

Sex is also something we're trying to work through. That's another thread altogether. Needless to say, this guy has me running in circles.

And yes, I do want a strong man. I think most women do. This is why I was as intensely attracted to him as I was. In the past, I've lost interest in men very quickly. I had virtually no attraction towards my ex because of his own issues and my lack of respect (in some areas) for him.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I would submit that 80% of women, yes Your GFs, your Wives, have Internet buddies that are gaming them in some fashion, usually in the guise of trusted confidant. They are politely told no, by Your GF and Your wife; but the flirtations will continue. Attached Women everywhere rejoiced when Al Gore invented the Internet.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't flattered by my friends comments (aside from the vulgar "I want to fu@k you"). HOWEVER, when he began to boast and tell me that he'd get it eventually, that's when I got annoyed. I did not lead him on; I set him straight and told him it'd never happen simply because I was not attracted to him. This has shut him up.

 

[Interceptor]

I think Haze is looking to see if her man will fight for her.
She wants to know if he will protect her.

She is trying to see how much value he has invested in the relationship and sees in her.
She is trying to gauge his IL and his ability to demonstrate a masculine trait of protection, assertiveness, and as she said it, being territorial.
Since he acted so unemotional , she felt disappointed because she had hoped to feel some of that masculine characteristic she was looking for.

By him acting aloof in some ways, she perhaps feels he doesnt value the relationship highly or her, and she maybe feels that should she be presented an opportunity to swing branches, he would not protest.
This makes her feel like she may be overinvesting in the realtionship.
So she cant find a steady ground with him.
Bascially, she may be feeling :"If he doesnt give a sh*t about me, why is he with me? And why am I with him?"
So she may begin to doubt herself.
For many women, feeling their partner's masculine strength is reassuring, and attractive to them. They like to see it and feel it often.
She seems to want to feel something deep and primal. Something that the unreactive guy may not be demonstrating enough to her.


But it is important to keep looking deeper into Haze's motivation to want to see these things.

Just my two.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Like I said in my tight rope comment before, I think he does enough to keep her attracted... for now.

His brushing a problem off isn't one of the bigger things that keep her attracted to him.

Interceptor, I can totally see your point about her investing and if she thinks it's worth it or not.

Purple, do you think his affection towards you isn't intense enough?

 

[Interceptor]

Sex is also something we're trying to work through

I figured that much. One of the most primal moments we can feel our masculine and femenine selves is during sex. Some women want to feel a man's primal masculinity and be ravished here. If this isnt happening, the unfulfillment usually appears in other areas of the relationship


This has me worried:

I set him straight and told him it'd never happen simply because I was not attracted to him.

So you wont do him just because 'you're not attracted?"
So ...what if it were Brad Pitt, you would?

Hmmm....

I may be misinterpreting this. But it caught my attention.

I hope things work out for you.

You know, Haze, one of the things that we have all had to learn here is that relationships, seduction, attraction, what have you are not linear.

It has its peaks and valleys, and we are the one's who have to maintain our center throught the uncertainty and turmoil.
It's hard, we want security and certainty..but we should be looking to be stronger and more skilled in the face of the unknown.

Good luck.

 

[decades]

I figured that much. One of the most primal moments we can feel our masculine and femenine selves is during sex. Some women want to feel a man's primal masculinity and be ravished here. If this isnt happening, the unfulfillment usually appears in other areas of the relationship


This has me worried:


So you wont do him just because 'you're not attracted?"
So ...what if it were Brad Pitt, you would?

Hmmm....

I may be misinterpreting this. But it caught my attention.

I hope things work out for you.

You know, Haze, one of the things that we have all had to learn here is that relationships, seduction, attraction, what have you are not linear.

I has its peaks and valleys, and weeare the one's who have to maintain our center throught the uncertainty and turmoil.
It's hard, we want security and certainty..but we should be looking to be stronger and more skilled in the face of the unknown.

Good luck.

exactly. attraction is situational. she can easily decide Not to be attracted to him since he is an email "buddy" and doesn't live around her. But what if she was visiting in his city and she told dear hubbie at home that she was going to have drinks with an "old" friend. Attraction is based on situations and circumstances. IOW, it Depends.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I think Haze is looking to see if her man will fight for her.
She wants to know if he will protect her.

She is trying to see how much value he has invested in the relationship and sees in her.
She is trying to gauge his IL and his ability to demonstrate a masculine trait of protection, assertiveness, and as she said it, being territorial.
Since he acted so unemotional , she felt disappointed because she had hoped to feel some of that masculine characteristic she was looking for.

By him acting aloof in some ways, she perhaps feels he doesnt value the relationship highly or her, and she maybe feels that should she be presented an opportunity to swing branches, he would not protest.
This makes her feel like she may be overinvesting in the realtionship.
So she cant find a steady ground with him.
Bascially, she may be feeling :"If he doesnt give a sh*t about me, why is he with me? And why am I with him?"
So she may begin to doubt herself.
For many women, feeling their partner's masculine strength is reassuring, and attractive to them. They like to see it and feel it often.
She seems to want to feel something deep and primal. Something that the unreactive guy may not be demonstrating enough to her.


But it is important to keep looking deeper into Haze's motivation to want to see these things.

Just my two.

Interceptor, this is BANG ON!

 

[Purple-Haze]

Like I said in my tight rope comment before, I think he does enough to keep her attracted... for now.

His brushing a problem off isn't one of the bigger things that keep her attracted to him.

Interceptor, I can totally see your point about her investing and if she thinks it's worth it or not.

Purple, do you think his affection towards you isn't intense enough?

It is and it isn't. He has his moments - but he is not consistent. Part of the problem is that he established a pattern at the start of the relationship, got me hooked, and then BAM, began to give some here and there...

We have other issues at play as well (as I've mentioned to you Thunder). We have to decide the big M question in the next few months. He wants to marry me and wants me to tell my family (his family wants an answer) - it is a cultural thing. My hesitation in approaching my family has him thinking that I don't value our R enough to broach the topic with them.

He has told me that I can't expect him to fully invest given the situation. I tell him that I can't tell my family till I know he is fully invested. And so we run in circles.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Interceptor, your responses are very thoughtful and intuitive. I look forward to reading more of your posts on SS.

One of the most primal moments we can feel our masculine and femenine selves is during sex. Some women want to feel a man's primal masculinity and be ravished here. If this isnt happening, the unfulfillment usually appears in other areas of the relationship.

TOTALLY agree with the italicized statement. But with us, it's the other way around. Our issues in our R in general have found their way into our sexual relationship.

When I said, "I set him straight and told him it'd never happen simply because I was not attracted to him" I wanted my friend to know that I would NEVER sleep with him. This comment was preceded by me telling him that I love my bf and would not cheat on him. Then, thinking he may think, "ohh but if he wasn't in the picture, you so would do me", I clarified it with the above statement. Basically I wanted to cover all bases so he wasn't led on.

So you wont do him just because 'you're not attracted?"
So ...what if it were Brad Pitt, you would?

I love my bf and share a chemistry with him that I've never experienced before. I highly doubt I would be swayed by another man. HOWEVER, in the event that I meet someone who I find attractive (more than my bf), I would tell my bf of this attraction. I've had this discussion with Thunder who called BS on this statement of mine. I told him that I would tell my bf of the attraction b/c my bf not knowing and staying in teh dark reduces my attraction for him (in which case, there is no point in staying with him). So I would tell him to get it out of th way (so we can deal with it one way or another).

You know, Haze, one of the things that we have all had to learn here is that relationships, seduction, attraction, what have you are not linear.

It has its peaks and valleys, and we are the one's who have to maintain our center throught the uncertainty and turmoil.
It's hard, we want security and certainty..but we should be looking to be stronger and more skilled in the face of the unknown.

You are right, there are peaks and valleys. Like I said, I got hooked on a certain set of behaviours exhibited by my bf, and now I'm having a hard time adjusting to the current plateau.

Thanks so much for posting Interceptor! Mucho Gracias.

 

[Purple-Haze]

exactly. attraction is situational. she can easily decide Not to be attracted to him since he is an email "buddy" and doesn't live around her. But what if she was visiting in his city and she told dear hubbie at home that she was going to have drinks with an "old" friend. Attraction is based on situations and circumstances. IOW, it Depends.

Yes, attraction is situational. But there is something to be said for choice and avoiding temptation.

The stronger bond I have with my SO, the less likely it is that I (or he for that matter) will be tempted to stray.

 

[DavenJuan]

Care to explain to me what controlling the frame is all about? And why do you want to control your emotions? Wouldn't you rather be free? I mean, don't throw it all at once at her...but it's good to be a little emotive.

And you are right, this is about validation.

We've had other struggles too. Our R is a bit complicated because I came out of LTR of many years and brought along a bit of baggage with me. At first, I did throw drama and theatrics his way (along with nagging and the like). But to my credit, I have tried to curb this sort of behaviour for the sake of our R.

Sex is also something we're trying to work through. That's another thread altogether. Needless to say, this guy has me running in circles.

And yes, I do want a strong man. I think most women do. This is why I was as intensely attracted to him as I was. In the past, I've lost interest in men very quickly. I had virtually no attraction towards my ex because of his own issues and my lack of respect (in some areas) for him.

when i say controlling my emotions i mean moreso not letting SOMEONE ELSE dictate them. of course you dont want to be a brick but SELF CONTROL and SELF AWARENESS is what keeps me on these boards

so for example you telling him about this guy friend of yours. it is disrespectful for him to say this to you knowing your friendship and being in a relationship. your bf could have been insulted and pissed.

but that really wouldnt get him anywhere. having control over your own emotions is just what he did. realizing that it made no difference how this other "fellow" felt or said, it did not "disrupt" his life so why bother getting worked up.

i am curious though on how your bf acted previously. you say you brought alot of drama and theatrics to the relationship, was he still the same way back then?

 

[Nighthawk]

Purps, you can tell your boyfriend I think you're pretty cute and I'm going to steal you away from him. Not really I'm happily girlfriended up.

I don't know why on earth you would tell your bf you found a man more attractive than him, should the situation arise. Not if your planning on getting married. You've probably had a lot of 'success' playing off your past boyfriends with the jealousy card, and you've internalized it as normal, but I don't think 'talking it through' would be the right attitude.

Not scolding you, I like your honesty here. But I think your subconciously planning for a marriage where you continue playing games to its probable detriment. Just something to watch out for.

 

[Purple-Haze]

when i say controlling my emotions i mean moreso not letting SOMEONE ELSE dictate them. of course you dont want to be a brick but SELF CONTROL and SELF AWARENESS is what keeps me on these boards

That's a good way to look at it Daven. I think it's good to have self control (it's something I have to learn to master).

so for example you telling him about this guy friend of yours. it is disrespectful for him to say this to you knowing your friendship and being in a relationship. your bf could have been insulted and pissed.

but that really wouldnt get him anywhere. having control over your own emotions is just what he did. realizing that it made no difference how this other "fellow" felt or said, it did not "disrupt" his life so why bother getting worked up.

Yes, my friend was crossing the line with what he said (of course he didn't see it that way). I'm glad my bf didn't get angry, because this would have served no purpose. A simple, "that's mine" would've been good. But anyway, I've dealt with this issue after talking to him about it (briefly) and telling him that it would've been nice had he reacted a little differently.

i am curious though on how your bf acted previously. you say you brought alot of drama and theatrics to the relationship, was he still the same way back then?

My ex and I were best friends...so I had a lot of guilt to deal with (because I broke it off with him after many years together). So at the start of my R with my bf, I did a lot of crying and lamenting (over the fact that I lost my best friend). My bf consoled me but also told me that I was being naive in my expectation (that my ex would still want to be my friend - he basically sided with my ex and said that he was right in cutting me out of his life).

When I would get upset at something he said or didn't say, he would reassure me - he would tell me that he loved me and wanted this to work (but again, he'd say it once and that was it; like I said, I got used to having things reaffirmed on a frequent basis by my ex). Eventually, my boyfriend told me that the nagging had to stop and I could either believe that he loved me and was in this for the long haul or I could leave, my choice.

Here's a very quick summary of our R. He was my first bf (from about 11 years ago) for about 2 months (so it wasn't really a relationship in the true sense). After him I went out with my ex (we broke up many times and ended up getting back together). Still, we spoke of marriage (though he knew I wasn't in love with him - we figured it'd work somehow). I go away to school. Things get worse. I break it off with him. Almost immediately, I get with my bf after coming across him again after 10 years. Things are heated and very, very intense. I go home for the summer. Meet him. Things are pretty amazing BUT I am still dealing with the breakup. Bf tries to help but also gives me a dose of "tough love".

I start to nag. He withdraws. I complain he's not attentive, he complains I annoy him at times. We fight. Make up. Fight. Make up. The fighting is usually me expressing some concern of mine and him telling me to "grow up." Eventually I stopped the nagging. He got better. Now we're in a better place.

Hope that sheds some light on this. Thanks for responding!

 

[LovelyLady]

Hello Purple Haze.

Welcome to SS. You are going to encounter some amazing people here.

On to your topic at hand, some of my reflections:

Hello gents (and ladies) of SS!

So I've been checking this place out for a few days now and have learned some very interesting things about male-female relationships.

Now I have a few questions of my own (pertaining to a certain someone in my life). Usually I'm pretty decent at "reading" someone - some would even say that I'm quite perceptive. But when it comes to him, I'm at a total loss...I just can't seem to figure him out.

I just want to say that men who are incredibly centered can be unnerving to us women - as we encounter them so rarely. Try to find the place within yourself where you can accept that with this man, you just ARE going to be at a loss sometimes. It can be very scary to feel this way when we care for a man - because we can feel like we are failing as women if we do not fully understand and grasp the complexities of the Man we care for.

You are not failing, Honey - you are just being given opportunities to learn how to better love him.

Be patient with yourself - it is okay to grow a better understanding of how to meet eachother's needs.

It seems to me you are afraid you can't count on him to love you/desire you as you are finding your way (you are choosing the sexual desire scenerio - but I think this runs deeper - as Interceptor so wisely says: primal) - like you can't quite identify his innate strength - and feeling that strength in our Men is what makes us as women feel safe to give our love.

This is where you fine folk come in...

He's quite confident and rarely lets things faze him. Now normally I would find this incredibly attractive about a man (and to a great extent, this is why I'm drawn to him so)...BUT it does get a little unnerving at times.

A Man...



unnerving???



Imagine that!


:crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

I mean, what's a girl gotta do to get a reaction out of him?

We have had a very tumultuous R. We've been together for over a year and have had our share of drama. If he were here, he'd tell you that I'm the cause of 99% of the drama (which, maybe is partly true).

I find this a bit disturbing.

Life has challenges and drama enough already to contend with - and add the genuine challenges of a relationship on top of them - creating a false/cheap drama is not productive (I would also say it is dishonest, and unkind to him as well, IMO)

I am only just reading what you are saying, so if this is harsh, please forgive me: but this man's emotions are not there to entertain you. If you are toying with him like you describe below - what motivation does he have to open up and be vulnerable with you? I wouldn't...

On a very human level - there is something exploitive about this dynamic you are describing - if I am understanding it correctly.

I think the needs you discuss below are not being met by the the button-pushing you are trying to do - and that is where some of your frustration may be sourcing from.

When I was with my ex, I could say and do things to get a reaction out him. My bf isn't like this. He let's things "roll" and calls me out on a lot of my "negative" behaviour...this is good I think (it has helped me become more self-aware and I have tried to make some solid changes in my behaviour).

This sounds wonderful, as a man who challenges us to grow and be a better woman is a true gift. It sounds like you have a great guy.

If you are truly wanting to be a more self-aware Woman, then perhaps you can start by exercising some skills in monitoring your own behavior and be less concerned with manipulating him to react/behave in a certain way.

It sounds wonderful that he seems to give you the space to grow and learn while you are together. Do you recognize the rare gift this is from a Man?

Rather than go on and on...let me begin by giving you an example of something that slightly bothers me. I like it when a man is dominant, when he is territorial (to an extent). My bf is not.

LOL I don't know about that. Sounds to me like he is holding up his end of the bargain just fine. It is just not in a way you fully understand, and because you do not understand it - you can't appreciate this about him.

It is okay that you don't fully understand it (and feel at a loss and unnerved).

Again, these men that are steady are a rarity - so your experience being primarily limited to your ex who was highly reactive instead of responsive shows you how this man is different - but you still did not develop the skills needed to relate to the man you are with now. (And even with the skills - they can rattle the most centered of women LOL)

Remember each man is truly unique in and of himself. (Above and beyond the uniqueness of your man seeming to be a top 5%er - that meaning a man who ranks in that rare top 5% in the available pool of men out there - I know you know what I mean )

 

[LovelyLady]

Earlier tonight, we had a conversation. I informed him of something a male friend of mine told me. I'll paraphrase the conversation (this was via phone). I had already broached the topic with him a night or two ago (that my friend expressed interest). But a following conversation with this friend revealed bolder statements on his part (which is what I relayed to my bf tonight).

ME: So D told me he wants to fu@k me. He said he didn't care that I had a bf and he thinks monogamy is a farce.
HIM: Alright.
ME: What do you think about that? How does that make you feel?
HIM: What's there to think or feel? He said what he did and that's that. It's not like anything will come of it.
ME: So you aren't annoyed in the least?
HIM: No, not really. Why should I be?
ME: It's just he was so blatant and arrogant about it. He doesn't respect our R. You don't think it's offensive?
HIM: No. If you wanted to fu@k him, then we'd have to deal with it. If that's not the case, there is no problem.
ME: So do you want me to stop talking to him?
HIM: Do you want to stop talking to him? If so, that is your prerogative, either way.
ME: Ugh. Alright.

Now I know some of you will come down on me for trying to get a rise out of him by bringing up another guy. That was not my intention.

I will be a bit forward here and say: I think it was your intention because you have already said that this is what you do.

It is okay to breathe and relax and accept that a reaction was exactly what you were wanting. If you can't stay with that as a basic truth, you may miss a great opportunity to grow here... because the desire for the reaction is only the symptom, but it really should be acknowledged that this is what you do because you believe the reaction you were trying to get from him would meet your needs.

I just wanted to tell him what was up...and to see how he felt about the situation (and yes, to also subtly remind him that other men find me attractive).

Subtly??? Lawdy Lawd - if that is you being subtle, I'd hate to hear you being straightforward. LOL

Alright, let me get to the point. What do you make of his reaction? Do you think I'm being silly in expecting him to react differently? Is it wrong for me to want my bf to be a bit possessive? Or am I totally crazy?

Okay, here is a basic thing you should know about virtually all men: They love sex. They want sex with most women LOL. Okay? So I think you can safely deduce that your boyfriend knows there are men who want to have sex with you - as you are a woman. So - no need to to think that this is somehow new information or the sharing of this information strengthens your bond with him. Believe me, he sees women he is attracted to as often as your "friend" does.

(and as mentioned by others: WHAT are you doing being friends with - male or female - someone who is trying to undermine your relationship with your Man? THAT is something serious you may want to address. What is it about your character that makes you want to surround yourself with people who do not support and strengthen your primary realationship? What kind of a "friend" is this guy??? And although I digress from your topic at hand - why would your Man want to stay with a woman who chooses to keep alliances with a friend who so disrespects her, him, and your relationship as it's own entity?)

There's obviously much more to this R, but this is something that is currently on my mind.

Yes, there is much more to this and it is worth exploring. I think you may want to lift up all the layers in this interaction and look at what is going on deep within you - in your head and heart - and worry less about what is going on in his for awhile.

It sounds like you are needing reassurance that he wants you. That he values you. Do you feel valued? Do you feel negated? Do you feel supported? Do you feel unsupported? Do you feel like he desires you sexually and can't get enough of you? Since you choose the dynamic of another man sexually wanting you - is there a lack of genuine passion in your relationship? Do NOT marry a man that you can not imagine yourself wanting to get creatively-crazy with if one of you ends up needing a walker when you are old and gray. You MUST have this - it is imperitive, as the bedroom is where you will be able to find yourselves back to eachother - or not - when words fail you. Which, regardless of how hard you try in a marriage - they will.

Additionally, how do you define the man "dominating" in the relationship? Do you recognize the difference in the way a Mature Man (which is what you are describing, so far anyway) holds the relationship steady and the way an immature man tries to?

Anyway, these are some thought and reflections I have. I hope they help in some way.

-LL

 

[Purple-Haze]

I don't know why on earth you would tell your bf you found a man more attractive than him, should the situation arise. Not if your planning on getting married. You've probably had a lot of 'success' playing off your past boyfriends with the jealousy card, and you've internalized it as normal, but I don't think 'talking it through' would be the right attitude.

Not scolding you, I like your honesty here. But I think your subconciously planning for a marriage where you continue playing games to its probable detriment. Just something to watch out for.

Well like I said, if I am attracted to someone and my bf doesn't know about it, he looks like a dork. It's hard to explain this reasoning...but there's something very unattractive about a guy who is clueless. I'd rather tell him so we could deal with it. Keeping him in the dark serves no purpose.

But you are right in that I need to stop trying to "play games." I just get deeper and deeper into the hole and my bf becomes less responsive. This stuff doesn't work with him (my "nagging") so I am trying to find other ways to deal with it. Sort of.

 

[logic1]

I just want to say that men who are incredibly centered can be unnerving to us women - as we encounter them so rarely. Try to find the place within yourself where you can accept that with this man, you just ARE going to be at a loss sometimes. It can be very scary to feel this way when we care for a man - because we can feel like we are failing as women if we do not fully understand and grasp the complexities of the Man we care for.

This is a great thread.

Lovelady, you answered a question I had in the back of my mind for a while. I always wondered if a genuinly "good or qaulity type man" could actually scare off a women who is also close to being "good" ( for lack of a better word) because she very rarely encounters these types of men. I assume, yes.

This could be another thread, all its own.

The advice you gave PH would go along these lines. Hopefully PH will continue to give out the info so all these great posters can continue to dissect it. We can all learn from this type of thread. Especially when the OP seems to be honest and straight forward.

 

[LovelyLady]

This is a great thread.

Lovelady, you answered a question I had in the back of my mind for a while. I always wondered if a genuinly "good or qaulity type man" could actually scare off a women who is also close to being "good" ( for lack of a better word) because she very rarely encounters these types of men. I assume, yes.
This could be another thread, all its own.

The advice you gave PH would go along these lines. Hopefully PH will continue to give out the info so all these great posters can continue to dissect it. We can all learn from this type of thread. Especially when the OP seems to be honest and straight forward.

I would answer "Yes", in a sense - although "scare" may not be the right word.

It is challenging to be with a mate of true quality - a 5%er of either gender.

You have to dig deep. And you have to be willling to risk failure (and success! which is another thread altogether!) There is no room for mediocrity - across the board. (That is not to say there is no room for mistakes - because the foundation of the romantic relationship is loving eachother - and with that comes compassion, kindness, and forgiveness.)

Some people just don't have it in them to do the work that is required to have that depth in their relationships. Those people will either leave the "Quality" person - or the "Quality" person will have to cut them loose.

I will think on this more.

But off hand, I will also say that a "Quality Woman" (IMO a woman who sets as her primary purpose to being able to truly love well, with great depth and honor) is more apt to leave a "Quality Man" if she feels she is not going to be able to co-create the relationship that will best serve both the man she loves - and also her own purpose/needs.

To truly love someone means being willing to let him/her have their needs fulfilled by someone else if you feel that your way of loving does not meet his needs/serve him well. It is extremely difficult -painful even - to stay with someone if you feel you are not able to truly give your love well/effectively.

You have to put aside your personal desire and be willing to let him get his needs met elsewhere - and also your needs as a woman to have your love fully and openly received. Being able to effectively love is imperitive to the emotional survival of what I believe is a key component of a "Quality Woman".