She Cheated

[djbr]

Suddenly the word hopeless appeared in my head.

Suddenly.

 

[Adrian]

Ive cheated with girls who were married , had boyfrends, LTRs , you name it( ive been the "other guy" they fvck). They did that with no remorse. Given the right circumstances, if the chicks "FEEL IT", they will DO IT.( cheat ). All they need to know is that "word dont get around" and that "it was all SOMEONE ELSES FAULT" that she cheated. Some girls cheat easily, some dont. Some dont cheat at all.

Someone posted this a little while back and I'd like to point out that whenever a girl cheats it's never their fault. no. According to them it's YOUR fault.

I'd also like to point out that when a girl cheats she is likely to do it again and the fact that she told you only says so much, however it means NOTHING in regards to your feelings. It should tell you that she doesn't want you anymore and it's time to break it off.

Think about it for a moment.... if a girl loves you and is happy with you then what is the need for her cheating? You should never justify her behavior and rub it off as being a part of her deranged persona as you have been doing lately. You only do this because you hold very strong feelings for her and this is where you make up excuses for her or take in the ones she feeds you. I know you're not going to listen to any of the good advice being given to you and I don't think you should beat yourself up over it because the right things aren't always the easiest things to follow. On the other hand I would really like for you to consider that taking her back would surely be a mistake on your behalf and will eventually lead to others.

 

[Wyldfire]

It sounds like your girlfriend is a self-sabotager. It's good that you and she both recognize that. It's also good that she is willing to try to resolve it. People who sabotage their relationships tend to do it when they have something really good going...they get scared and subconsciously do stupid things in part to test the other person's love and commitment to them and in part because they don't think they deserve anything good. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she was abused in the past...possibly physically but more likely sexually. I've seen women do this a lot with an abusive past.

This is not impossible to overcome, but in order to overcome it she has to REALLY be committed to dealing with it and unpacking any unpleasant baggage she's carrying around with her. Based on the new information you gave I would almost bet money on it not going any further than kissing. If she's subconsciously sabotaging it's like an internal battle between her wanting the be with you while part of her is telling her she doesn't deserve to be happy because she is "bad". It's most likely those thoughts that allowed her to betray you. Communication right now is SO key...and you really will need to help her keep those urges to sabotage things under control while she tries to work through them. I think you can get past this is you both work very hard...and I mean hard. If she doesn't get a handle on the sabotaging and underlying issues she will eventually do something like this again...give you a reason to leave her AND to give herself more reason to punish and hate herself.

 

[Tweek_1984]

It sounds like your girlfriend is a self-sabotager. It's good that you and she both recognize that. It's also good that she is willing to try to resolve it. People who sabotage their relationships tend to do it when they have something really good going...they get scared and subconsciously do stupid things in part to test the other person's love and commitment to them and in part because they don't think they deserve anything good. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she was abused in the past...possibly physically but more likely sexually. I've seen women do this a lot with an abusive past.

This is not impossible to overcome, but in order to overcome it she has to REALLY be committed to dealing with it and unpacking any unpleasant baggage she's carrying around with her. Based on the new information you gave I would almost bet money on it not going any further than kissing. If she's subconsciously sabotaging it's like an internal battle between her wanting the be with you while part of her is telling her she doesn't deserve to be happy because she is "bad". It's most likely those thoughts that allowed her to betray you. Communication right now is SO key...and you really will need to help her keep those urges to sabotage things under control while she tries to work through them. I think you can get past this is you both work very hard...and I mean hard. If she doesn't get a handle on the sabotaging and underlying issues she will eventually do something like this again...give you a reason to leave her AND to give herself more reason to punish and hate herself.

She was abused by a babysitter when she was a child. She told me that she never knew whether it was sexual or not, she doesn't know, which obviously sounds like pure sub-concious denial.
Her parents sent her to shrinks when she was young but she hated the experience and never went back.

Despite what people are saying about you in this thread, you seem to come out with remarks that are closest to the mark.

However, I'm basing decisions on my own thoughts and still listening to everbody.

 

[jonwon]

She was abused by a babysitter when she was a child. She told me that she never knew whether it was sexual or not, she doesn't know, which obviously sounds like pure sub-concious denial.
Her parents sent her to shrinks when she was young but she hated the experience and never went back.

Despite what people are saying about you in this thread, you seem to come out with remarks that are closest to the mark.

However, I'm basing decisions on my own thoughts and still listening to everbody.

Ok tweak, some of the pointers are very nice to read but your still missing out on the most important thing out of this whole thread, something you really need to consider.

LDR normally DO NOT WORK, they have been proven and proven to fail over and over again.

Now if this was a GF that lived close to you i could almost suggest a few things, but she does not she lives a good distance from you and you have quoted you have not seen her for a good few months.

Now this does not bode well, this level of seperation for a relationship that is as new as yours was is not a good sign or a good enough foundation for a LDR imo, no wonder you girl is latching onto another player.

i am also going to chance somethings i said in my original post.

If your girl kissed a random guy in the club for example then no porblem, but she is and as kissed a guy she WILL BE MEETING up again with and not some RANDOM dude from a club.

this is not looking too good in your corner my friend no matter how you want to analyze it with your intellectual debate and theory.

She as kissed a guy she will be on contact with a good few more times and guess what?

Your not there, so whilst your here worrying about her doing what you think she maybe doing, this guy as got more chance to work on your women and i am sorry to say your foundations and the level this relationships as degraded to this GF and BF thing seems to be on a slippery slope of failure.

If you dont like to hear it, sorry but just get ready for it and at least then when you take the HIT your wont be so effected, dont say you where not warned ok.

And there is no point in worrying about it or thinking what if i was up there, something as clearly gone on way past a quick peck or a kiss goodnight there has been an exchange of emotions in that meet up, in the form or attraction now if this guy is still around and sadly your not due to building up your own life, then even if you where to pack it all in now, there is still a lesser probability of success in this relationship.

Now if this guy is out of the picture for good, maybe there is room for some salvage, but why would you possibly want to? Your GF guilty or not as hooked up with another guy, so in that how would you feel if she phoned you up and said she is going out with bob the player and they are going to just drink, could you trust her to do that>? If the answer is no then i think you know what to do!

Or if she said she met up with this guy again and he is in there circle of friends could you trust her to not make a repeat preformance, and sorry to say buddie a kiss can and does usually lead to more.

I will expect you to post back here in about say two weeks or a month and give us an update and if this guy is still around i will put money on it, the update is:

Hi cheeky, i dont know how to say this, but i am finding the distance away from you hard to bear and i am thinking being single and trying to build my life up maybe what i need to focus on. This relationship is causing me alot of stress and ontop of my education i dont really need this right now, i hope we can still remain friends and when we get our stuff sorted maybe we can start where we left off!
In the meantime she will be shacked up with the new guy.

this is the kind'a message you will get or she will simple contact you less and less and less, then have a huge argument with you make you out to be some green eyed monster, finish with you and in that making you out to be the one in the wrong, trust me women are good at that type of stuff.

Anway this is not what i would call a healthy great relationship not with the new revelations about the house and the hook up.

Also i know 100% she did not sleep on the floor, i hope your really are not that nieve my young buddie, even if they did not have sex, they where on the sofa together embraced in each others arms, whislt you was sat at home thinking what a great girl i have managed to find.

 

[jonwon]

Also your lack of detective work leaves me to wonder you may have invested too much emotional ideals in your women.

things that jump out at me here:

Why was this guy at your GF mates house?
who is he.
Why was he on the sofa.
Why was she on the sofa.
Why was she staying there and what where her sleeping arangments prior to going out.
Why was he staying there and what where his sleeping arangments before going out.

You see where this is going.

Sorry but what strikes me as very odd is>:

Why is your GF staying at a mates house and why is she sharing a living room with a guy, what is going on there?
Why is this guy sharing a living room with your GF?
Why could this guy not have gone to his home?
why could your GF not have gone to her home?

But the biggest there sleeping arrangments to me seem rather engineered, it is very rare a man and a women will share a living room and one to volunteer to sleep on the sofa.

I can understand sleep overs where one or two mates agree to share a room well if this is the case then your GF and this guy are clearly comfortable with each other prior to going out.

If it is not the case then somewhere it was suggested they both share that room and from your perspective this was given the green light by your GF.

see where i am going with this?

So your intelligent mind never thought of any of this stuff did it?

 

[00Kevin]

Any man with self respect wouldn't put up with this crap. End it and don't be friends with her.

I would just tell her to fu-ck off. I wouldn't even waste my time seeing her or caliing her again. I would just start dating other girls and ignore her.

Let her beg and cry at your feet before you even have the mind to reconsider.

As a man you must place high importance on respect. If you don't then you won't ever get any respect.

Look at it this way, if having you back ment that she had to pay you a fine do you think she would? even if it was only one pay cheque? I doubt she would part with her money to have you back. Think about it. What sort of restitution is she willing to pay?

 

[djbr]

As a man you must place high importance on respect. If you don't then you won't ever get any respect.

This is AWESOME advice.

 

[Tweek_1984]

So your intelligent mind never thought of any of this stuff did it?

I have thought about all this thoroughly.

Like I've already said, I will never know exactly what happened down to the last detail.

However, this is what she has told me and what I know thus far:

Ok she lives in a downstairs flat with a guy and a girl. A couple more of her girlfriends live above her in the upstairs flat, lets call these two girls Helen and Jane.

So my girl goes out, like she does alot, with Helen and Jane and a few other girls plus one of Helens guy friends. This guy friend, Jim, brought a few of his random buddies along. Nothing strange about this.

So they all go out to a club and I imagine they get drunk. At this point, according to my girlfriend, her and the guy she eventually made out with had not made any particular connection.
It was decided while they were all out, that Jim and Jims friend could crash at Helen and Janes place, since it was likely they'd miss the last bus/tram/train/subway home.
So, Helen, Jane, my girl, Jim and Jims friend end up going round to Helen and Janes place to chill & crash.
They all decide to watch a film (this is late, most probably past 3am) and everybody decides to go to bed except my girlfriend and Jims friend who sit on the couch watching the rest of the movie.

The movie ends and they talk about general stuff, life etc. According to my girlfriend, he initiates a move and kisses her.
It's unclear how long exactly they are kissing for, but my girlfriend claims it to be 'not long at all' partly due to that she 'felt like an ashole'. She tells me 'there was no groping or anything like that'.
Jims friend lives in the suburbs and I imagine by this point it's around 5-6am.
Jims friend crashes on the couch (as planned). My girlfriend doesn't have her keys to her flat downstairs (this wasn't a common occurance when I've stayed with her, but it has definately happened before) and she doesn't want to wake her housemates up, so she crashes on the floor.
When my girlfriend wakes up, Jims friend has gone.

Now, she swears this is the truth and I do believe her to a certain extent. However, I am willing to take into account the possibilty that they both slept on the couch together (although this would have been uncomfortable due to the size of the couch, I have slept on it myself and two people would be uber difficult). I am also willing to consider that they may have been making out for an hour, with her all over him. Like I said, I'm just not going to find these things out for sure.

What I do believe though, is that it was kept to just a kiss. Now I've told her that if I find out any differently in the future, not only will I walk from the relationship, but I'll never speak to her again, she still swears thats what went down. I've got to also bear in mind that she is not a big liar and secondly, she really doesn't have much to lose.

Regarding the guy - well, it could have been anybody. I don't know this guy at all (I do know Jim though). I'm really not concerned about the guy in particular. He was obviously just a random friend of a friend who was down in the city for the night with his buddy and he tried to score with a chick. I don't blame him. There's a possibilty he could come back in the future, but it's a slim chance in my opinion.

Let her beg and cry at your feet before you even have the mind to reconsider.

As a man you must place high importance on respect. If you don't then you won't ever get any respect.

To be fair, apart from last night when she got upset when I told her that she hadn't been making an effort in the relationship, she has been practically begging at my feet. She called me 5 times yesterday, leaving 2 messages. Nearly everytime she's called me since she confessed she has been crying down the phone asking for forgiveness.

I'm not saying this is an excuse, I'm just saying that she has been begging while I consider.

Regarding self-respect. Well, to be honest mate, despite what people might say on this forum, I have the utmost self-respect and ironically, it's one of the reasons why I'm not prepared to walk away from the relationship.

I think alot of this is riding on the future. Like I said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. By carrying the relationship on, admittedly, I'm taking a gamble. But now, to decrease the stakes, I'm going to tone down my investment of heart and soul into the relationship until I believe that we can trust each other fully. I think the potential winnings outweigh getting my fingers burnt again and thats why I'm willing to give this another chance.

 

[Modro]

its clear u still want to be with her, just make sure its all on your terms do not rush back take a while let her sweat

 

[mrRuckus]

I know that the majority of the advice in this tread will be immediately split up with her, but bear in mind that I do love her, and I don't want to make any rash decisions that may drastically affect my whole future. Please take this into consideration.

You are weak and make me sick.

And no i'm not being an assh0le. Move on. It's very simple.

You don't love her. You need her. You feel alone without her. She will only do this again because you said it's okay by not silently hanging up the phone when she told you, never to speak to her again.

Stop being spineless.

 

[mrRuckus]

I need to find out why she's done this.

WHAT THE FVCK? No you don't. You already know why. She does not respect you.. she does not respect herself. She chose to fulfill biological desire instead of the higher human functions our society has developed. She violated a contract you two had and gave the finger to the higher functions of humanity. Fvck her.

If I could cope and was prepared to stay faithful, why wouldn't she?

Because she's a young girl. That is reason enough. And why WOULD she stay faithful when spineless jellyfish like you say it's OKAY? This probably isn't even the first time she cheated on you or someone else. I bet her friends cheat all the time (i always hear the stories from my girlfriends about their friends) and get away with it so why wouldn't she? She probably already knows you are spineless and thinks she's in charge so she did whatever she wanted knowing you wouldn't do a damn thing but put up a fake game of pouting for a little bit then take her back.

then call her and put the ball in her court.

Fvck you for ruining women further for me. They now expect this jellyfish bullsh1t so when i'm a man nowadays i get called an assh0le instead because i don't submit myself to feminine bullsh1t and kiss their butt like you and millions like you.

Thanks for making me look bad by making pathetic the norm.

 

[Tweek_1984]

Unpalatable nonsense

If you're going to give constructive criticism, don't bother insulting me on a message board because I'll come to the conclusion that you're an idiot. :nono:

I've been asking for advice, not a slagging match.

 

[Call_Me_Daddy]

Stop being spineless.

NO! NO! Don't stop being spineless.

If you do, you might actually have some self respect. And how is Jim going to take your next girls away from you too? You gotta be a little more understanding abut poor old Jim. Be a friend and help him geh laid by stealing your girls. If you contunue to be a pvssy, EVERYBODY WINS! Especially you because you can b!tch and moan on internet forums about your girlfriend, and then get loads of advice from people about what you should do.

You can get a sense of satisfaction from this... and you don't have to do anything! All you got to do is read the advice, and then feel like you made some progress without actually having to do anything! Isn't being a spineless coward awesome? You can accomplish without doing.

 

[Blusher]

You sound like an intelligent guy but it's a shame to waste it trying to rationnalize what she may done or not done and why she put herself in that situation in the first place.

Look, people kiss other people because they're attracted to each other. That's all there's to find out about the whole thing.

1) Ok she lives in a downstairs flat with a guy and a girl. A couple more of her girlfriends live above her in the upstairs flat.

2) So my girl goes out, like she does a lot, with Helen and Jane and a few other girls plus one of Helens guy friends. This guy friend, Jim, brought a few of his random buddies along. Nothing strange about this.

3) So they all go out to a club and I imagine they get drunk. At this point, according to my girlfriend, her and the guy she eventually made out with had not made any particular connection.

That, plus the fact that you're both in your early 20's, plus the Long-Distance is a recipe for a doomed and unfulfilling relationship.

Sorry to break the news, but from the elements you gave us this relationship is not viable. Move on, really or stay in it and at least learn from your mistake.

Now, this might be an eye-opener: http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_300/367_relationship_expert.html

Good luck and don't sweat it bro, there are other fishes in the pond.

 

[Call_Me_Daddy]

Thanks for making me look bad by making pathetic the norm.

Yeah same here. You know I like being sarcastic and all that, but sometimes I just have to lay it down.

Tweek, you maggot! You make me sick. Ruckus is right. Its guys like you that make these women hors. You LET them become this way, you spineless piece of ****. Then you come crawling back to them after they get bored of your pvssy antics and blow up their ego.

Now the majority of women are hors that think their sh!t don't stink. Thanks to guys like you. I hope you believe in judgement day pal. Thanks for making this society a little sh!ttier. Its cowards like you that are going to put it to its knees.

 

[Tweek_1984]

NO! NO! Don't stop being spineless.

If you do, you might actually have some self respect. And how is Jim going to take your next girls away from you too? You gotta be a little more understanding abut poor old Jim. Be a friend and help him geh laid by stealing your girls. If you contunue to be a pvssy, EVERYBODY WINS! Especially you because you can b!tch and moan on internet forums about your girlfriend, and then get loads of advice from people about what you should do.

You can get a sense of satisfaction from this... and you don't have to do anything! All you got to do is read the advice, and then feel like you made some progress without actually having to do anything! Isn't being a spineless coward awesome? You can accomplish without doing.

Jims friend actually. But it doesn't really matter either way since you probably haven't properly read what I've said.

Since the trolls have started to chime in with their $0.02, I guess this is where I'm going to have to wrap this thread up and move on.

Thanks to everyone who has offered me sensible advice, whether it be brutal or sympathetic. I'll take into consideration everything and tread very carefully.

Cheers.

 

[Call_Me_Daddy]

Since the trolls have started to chime in with their $0.02, I guess this is where I'm going to have to wrap this thread up and move on.

Nice. Its always good to resort to insults when your little mind can't wrap itself around the fact that you are wrong.


But anyway, good luck and I hope you got Jim lots of pvssy. We all know he deserves it. Here's what I mean:

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/any_friend_of_yours_is_a

 

[mrRuckus]

Your GF feels guilty for what she did, this is the reason why she told you, she could have kept it secret but her love for you as made her tell you this as she really does not want to hurt you!

No she doesn't. She wants to cause emotion and see what happens. If she gave a sh1t at all and felt guilty she should have kept it to herself and acted like nothing happened if she wanted to not hurt him.

She once AGAIN chose to hurt HIM to make HERSELF feel better. Fvck her.

 

[mrRuckus]

If you're going to give constructive criticism, don't bother insulting me on a message board because I'll come to the conclusion that you're an idiot. :nono:

I've been asking for advice, not a slagging match.

That's right dude. Now you're suddenly the tough guy but you can't pull yourself away from a tiny little girl who owns you.

You can come to whatever conclusion you want but the fact remains is that my penis remains in my own possession and yours is not so no matter how much of a retard I am you're a step or two below.