Re-Inventing myself online.

[Nexus Polaris]

My profile has me listed as a space alien. It's very random and tells you nothing about me. On the upside, the women it attracts are usually really cool and have awesome personalities and a great sense of humor. On the downside, they're more friendship material.

 

[aliasguy]

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Luke wrote:

"my parents wont let me lose it with a skank."

I almost fell off my chair. TOO funny.

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[Bible_Belt]

Mommy is scared of losing her little boy, so she will chase off any girl he brings around and undermine any relationship he creates. She loves him so much that she's ruining his life.

Luke, do you live with both parents? What is your dad like? Does your Mom tell him what to do?

 

[Luke Skywalker]

My parents aren't against me dating girls. My dad doesn't care as long as she's not a skank, my mom doesn't care as long as she's a born-again Christian. I'm not prepared to move out until another year because I'm deciding to go to school instead and want to see my income stabalized. I may be successful this year, but I had a net loss last year. If I get another successful year then I'm sold that this could work.

My mom claims to protect me from my own desperation otherwise, yeah, I'd pretty much almost date everyone - let's look at the list of dating prospects that my mom objected to:

1) A girl that was into funny books (she never respected me anyway in the first place).

2) A 18 year old girl with a child. (seemed she respected me at first as a man, but I was not intimate with her she claimed (I blamed the lack of 'intimacy' on parents not accepting this), and said she doesn't want to play kid games with a grown man if my parents dont want her around me and she was hurt)

3) A girl that is recovering from a nervous break-down that threw plates all over the air when she was angry with her parents and she has this wierd crazy look and prior restraining orders out on other guys.

4) A skank that was willing to deflower me. (dad blocked that).

5) Mortgage broker - going to her place for sex.

You be the judge on this - I'm desperate at times and would have gone with these above women for experience and just let it crash and burn at their own - but my parents overrided my bad judgement and prevented me from making mistakes and breaking the hedge.

Would you go after these five girls if you were me? Would you screw a minor or an 18 year old for that matter that has a child? How far would you go? Don't you think it's desperate to go after people like the ones listed above?

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Mommy is scared of losing her little boy, so she will chase off any girl he brings around and undermine any relationship he creates. She loves him so much that she's ruining his life.

Luke, do you live with both parents? What is your dad like? Does your Mom tell him what to do?

My dad is also under my mom. Mom pays all the bills, rent, and stuff, while dad just contributes a bit and so do I. My mom has a steady income. My dad weak landscape crap work where his stupid workers are overpaid and do lousy jobs and cause accidents on the job sites that eat up any income my dad would make for himself - I had to lend him money which he cant pay up to this day for this dumb operation. So yeah, my mom holds the trump card on dad too.

You know what, my dad didn't really block me from seeing the skank - he threatened to tell my mom on me, that was enough for me to change my mind and he also offered his friend to do me as a favour to him - but stopped it as it passed the end of November last year.

Heck, my mom calls my dad the second son and says she's supporting two sons in here.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yeah, Luke, I'd probably bone every one of them, and they'd love me for it. The hb9 girl who keeps sleeping over has a new baby by some random guy she doesn't like...and I don't care. It's her kid, not mine.

No girl will ever be good enough for you in your mother's eyes. And no woman will ever respect a man whose mother tells him what to do. Do you even respect yourself in this arrangement, your mother having to approve of your gfs at age 31? It's not normal, and it's not healthy. Would you have married any of those girls? Probably not, but the experience makes you better with girls. Making mistakes is part of living. You can't get better at anything until you do it enough to learn to avoid mistakes. If Miss Perfect walked into your life tomorrow, you would be better with her had you gained experience from any of those girls, even the "skank."

You've got to get out from underneath your mother's thumb. No financial benefit is worth her controlling your life.

 

[aliasguy]

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Now, THIS:

"A skank that was willing to deflower me. (dad blocked that)."

WHAT the hell are you doing, man? Do you run all your chicks by mommy and daddy?

The guys here are REALLY trying to help you, but you just are HOPELESS. Defensive, bull-headed, and, frankly, STUPID.

This is the funniest thing I've ever heard of, except that penguin joke I was told the other day.



I never thought I say it about ANYONE, but I think our buddy Luke might be destined for a sexless life. Perhaps a heart-to-heart with Jesus is in order, here. I think that may be Luke's only hope ---- a deux ex machina.
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[Luke Skywalker]

No girl will ever be good enough for you in your mother's eyes.

That's not true - as long as she's a born-again Christian then it's fine, not a big deal, just go to church in small groups like you said, but without my mom immediately around.

And no woman will ever respect a man whose mother tells him what to do. Do you even respect yourself in this arrangement, your mother having to approve of your gfs at age 31? It's not normal, and it's not healthy. Would you have married any of those girls? Probably not, but the experience makes you better with girls. Making mistakes is part of living. You can't get better at anything until you do it enough to learn to avoid mistakes.

Yeah, something doesn't seem entirely healthy, I'm certainly not dont feel like a well-adjusted person.

If Miss Perfect walked into your life tomorrow, you would be better with her had you gained experience from any of those girls, even the "skank."

As long as she doesn't know about it. Most girls get put off if their man went with a skank or hooker in the past becaue they may feel I may go on aff or whatever again when the relationship isn't going so well, right?

You've got to get out from underneath your mother's thumb. No financial benefit is worth her controlling your life.

No financial benefit is worth her controlling my life? Cost of living her is pretty high and until I'm sure that I have a stable income, it's pretty hard just to go out of here. I have to see how much money I make next year and perhaps I'll have the confidence to take a step out of here, but until then, I dont know.

Just because I move out doesn't mean I'm going to get women - isn't there any way I could get out without moving out - I mean making psychological boundaries.

For example, suppose I rent out a hotel room to sleep overnight and tell my parents I'm going to do that and there is nothing they can do to stop me other than waiting until the next day. Just that in itself sounds like a bit of impact since I've never been on my own any particular night in the past three years when my parents went to New York three years ago (only a couple of nights) - so I've always slept in the same place as them. If I have the autonomy to at least go out anywhere that I want to go at any time, without being accountable to my whearabouts (but she'll think I'm talking to someone on here or something or wonder what's gotten into me) - if there is further friction, then I can always up the ante and go someplace for a few weeks or something.

Those are concepts in my mind that I was thinking of doing because, sure there doesn't seem to be a healthy psychological boundary between my parents and myself, and in particular my mom and myself - but perhaps a little thing like that could create that boundary. They'll probably think I'm hooking up with someone - but I'd risk it, but if they complain then I would be out allot longer.

 

[Bible_Belt]

That's not true - as long as she's a born-again Christian then it's fine, not a big deal,

No, not fine. You are still running your girls by your mother at age 31 and that is completely unacceptable. Plus, your mother is full of it if she says there is a girl who will be good enough. If you were to meet a 'perfect' girl, then your mother would slowly destroy that relationship. She is never going to be best buddies with any woman in your life. You have to choose - either you are a man who gets laid, or you are a boy who lets his mother run his life. You can't have both, which I think is evidenced by your lack of success with girls. You are aware enough to see that you lack confidence, and this hurts you with girls. That is true. But your dominering Mother is the reason for your lack of confidence. Confident men who get girls don't let Mom tell them what to do.

Speaking of Moms, that hb9 girl I keep talking about with the new baby, I am probably going to take her to meet my Mom pretty soon, mostly so my Mom can see her baby. My past GFs have all been childless, well-educated, and usually from a snooty background. This girl has no job, no education, three kids by two guys, one of which is a month old, and did a few months in the county jail last year for dui. But hey, she's a Christian, we believe the same things. What would your mom say if you brought this girl home, Luke? What if you said that she was smart, fun, great in bed, and made you happy? We both know your Mom would say, 'Sorry Luke, but I know better. She has to go.' My own mother knows better than to say something like that to me, because I would not let her tell me what to do. She has nothing to threaten me with, because I don't live with her. When your parents don't pay your bills, you become an adult and can do as you choose. If they don't like it, that's too bad for them that they want to be unhappy. This is how adults live, Luke. You're just not a grown-up, yet. Women go for men, not boys. You have a lot going on for yourself - you're smart, tall, ambitious, spiritual, and not especially bad looking. But none of that matters as long as your Mom is your boss. You will never succeed with a relationship when you make Mom's approval your top priority.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

You own a house and could afford to move out? I'm not sure I can carry a mortgage to buy a home right now - maybe a condo - but the maintenance fees on them will probably spike up whatever mortgage is on the place. You have to plan things a bit before buying your first home right? There are taxes, bills, - I know a crooked Mortgage broker that can fix me up - but downpayment and land transfer taxes would probably eat up at least $ 20 000 even if the place was modest. I'll look into this soon, but I'm confused with other priorities such as: getting a professional designation, weight-loss, paying off my student loan and lowering debt load. And, moving out is more important than this?

I'm not too sure about the idea of thowing money away to landlords since the money is going down the drain, much better to buy a home, rent it out to other people to help pay the mortgage and have a room of myself or something like that - I may even make money in that arrangement.

 

[Bible_Belt]

No, I split a house with a buddy, who is moving away after the first of the year. But I am a fan of renting - no taxes, insurance, repairs, investment risk, or commitment. Luke, I think you'd be better off living on your own in any arrangement you can afford. Anything to keep your Mom from telling you what to do is worthwhile. Moving out is not a magic transformation, just a required step in the process. You'll still have to stand up to Mom, but you can do that a lot easier when she is not threatening to kick you out.

getting a professional designation, weight-loss, paying off my student loan and lowering debt load. And, moving out is more important than this?

Moving out means growing up, becoming your own independent person, being an adult, standing up to your Mother, and becoming the type of man that women want. Yes, being a man is more important than your balance sheet. You have to move out. You're not going to get anywhere with girls until you do, because I don't see you standing up to Mom unless you move out. Like I said, I know you guys are close, but she really will respect you more after you learn to tell her 'no.' Every woman is like that, mothers included.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Ok, Bible_Belt - there is actually a provision somewhere in my agenda to move out of here for three months on reaching a certain goal income wise, and it appears that I have reached it - but before I start such a project, the bottom line as you said is because my mom is too domineering and in effect I'm hiding behind my parents rather than facing the realities of life and and am in a virtual womb with an umbilical cord still attached to me until some sort of break is made.

However, I still think that I would like to try out some gradual steps first.

ie. - go away one night and rent a hotel/motel - see how mom reacts - or if there is any effect on power dynamics - if it's good, then great, if not, then

- go away for three days -

- go away for a week -

- go away for a month - test shot of how it's like.

- Execute moving out for about three months and see how it's like really living on my own, and if the world doesn't fall apart, extend this experiment indefinately.

If power dynamics are effected favourably by either one of the above without having to go to far down this list or the bottom one, then it will stop there and repeat itself if there is a problem, or it will go all the way down.

 

[wayword]

My dad is also under my mom. Mom pays all the bills, rent, and stuff, while dad just contributes a bit and so do I. My mom has a steady income.

So yeah, my mom holds the trump card on dad too.

Heck, my mom calls my dad the second son and says she's supporting two sons in here.

It's obvious what the problem is here. Your dad is an AFC who, naturally, got with a dominant, controlling woman. He was never DJ enough to get a "normal" woman to submit to him. Then, you simply followed in his footsteps. Like father, like son in a vicious AFC cycle.

As long as your mom keeps control, you will NEVER get laid. Has less to do with the quality of girls (although they are basically all low-quality in the USA), than her keeping all other women off her "turf" (you & your dad). Frankly, she sabotages your love life ON PURPOSE in order to fend off all her competition and potential rivals for your affection and servitude.

But as long as you 2 chumps are dependent upon her as your provider (wtf?), she WILL "rightfully" retain control and you will NOT get laid. Basically, your issues stem well BEYOND just not getting laid. That's only a SYMPTOM of your much deeper problem. And that is, still breastfeeding from your mom at age 31.

That said, barebacking the town sloot? Damn BB, are you nuts???

 

[Luke Skywalker]

It's obvious what the problem is here. Your dad is an AFC who, naturally, got with a dominant, controlling woman. He was never DJ enough to get a "normal" woman to submit to him. Then, you simply followed in his footsteps. Like father, like son in a vicious AFC cycle.

Not quite. My dad lost his virginity about age 20 y/o, but his description of hook-ups afterwards sounded AFCish (i.e. going with bar-hookers or paying for sex-fixes most of the time) to the score of 20-30 either very loose girls or hoes. He told me that if you have sex you wont feel bliss and shut down, but it is like a drug and you'll want to do it again and again with other people which is why he discouraged me meeting a skank, added to the diseases they have now they didn't have back in my dad's time.

He lied to my mom and said she was his first person, but that was far from the truth - mom was like his 30+ person. So, you are correct in that sence because it seems like AFC behaviour since the quality of girls he had sex with is too low and it appears he appealed to them with money or whatnot so that's supplication which is AFC stuff - one thing about me, I do not supplicate with money, I'd rather just go with an escort one time if I had to do that, at least you know what they expect upfront. It also seems he settled with a Black woman rather than a white one because normal white girls did not want him.

Now - before getting started there - he used to be in some control when he had money and his family backed him - but he squandered all of his money - gave it to his family as gifts and they in turn back-stabbed him and sold the home from right under us and what he did retain back, because of his low self-esteem with his family and all that about him being with a Black woman - spent money on escorts, trips with strippers, massage parlours, etc..... He had his chance and lived his life and pretty much blew it and my mom took over to support us from ending up in the streets.

So, it's not a simple story of an AFC guy who got a domineering woman, it's about a person with no self-discipline who loved his family more than his immediate family and that took him to the cleaners - so, what does that have to do with me? My mom has, or at least intends to have, my best interests at heart - dad's family on the other hand seem like a pack of wolves.

Now you know about Darth Vadar.

As long as your mom keeps control, you will NEVER get laid. Has less to do with the quality of girls (although they are basically all low-quality in the USA), than her keeping all other women off her "turf" (you & your dad). Frankly, she sabotages your love life ON PURPOSE in order to fend off all her competition and potential rivals for your affection and servitude.

But as long as you 2 chumps are dependent upon her as your provider (wtf?), she WILL "rightfully" retain control and you will NOT get laid. Basically, your issues stem well BEYOND just not getting laid. That's only a SYMPTOM of your much deeper problem. And that is, still breastfeeding from your mom at age 31.

Ok, let's say that is correct, perhaps I have a psychological dependence on my parents approval or moral support on virtually everything I do in life because they are legitimate authority figures within my environment that's out to protect my best interests.

I'm not really serving anyone on here - but I understand sometimes there has to be a bit of distance - and if I really have a psychological dependence, and rather than my parents recognizing this and distancing themselves from me, are actually supporting this, then perhaps that could be solved by some communciation as well as moving out for whatever time-frame to at least exercise some power.

 

[Desdinova]

You're still here? :crazy:

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yeah he is, and I am going to be the one to get him laid. I am pointing to the fences on this one.

Luke, forget the hotel, that seems like a waste of money. Just save your cash for a deposit and moving expenses. You have to get your own place asap, even if you have to share a dump with a roommate. Trust me, anythng is better than the life you have now. When you get to the other side, you will look back in disbelief on how long it took you to start living. You have to trust the people here who are actually living life to get here, and then you will see.

When's the last time you told Mom "No," about anything, no matter how trivial? This is what I want you to focus on now. Telling her 'No' is going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to learn to do, but like other difficult endeavors, it is also very rewarding. Do what you fear most, and you control your fear (sales trainer Zig Ziglar). I know it's scary to stand up to your Mom, but this is what you have to learn to do. btw, maybe it will help to understand her better. The reason that she is so domineering and controlling and has AFC whipped men in her life is not because she is some evil b!tch. Simply, she has low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment. She loves you so much, and is so scared of losing you to some girl that will hurt you, that she is trying to never let you grow up. And fwiw, I think her fears will be realized. If you are like the rest of us here, and actually do get into a LTR, you will fall in love, turn AFC, and get your heart stomped on. But hey, that's life. It will happen, and then you will be a stronger person because of it, and then you move on. You can still love your Mother (and 'honor thy mother' like the Bible says) and learn to say 'No" to her. When you stand up to her, she will gain respect for you, and you will help her progress in life by giving her an example of how a man acts. She has not seen much of that.

As much respect as you and Mom both have for the Bible, has not anyone pointed out that the woman running the show is against the principles of the Bible? The men in the Bible who are good examples don't get told what to do by their Mommies. The few women in the Bible, especially the Old Testament, are almost always only mentioned by name because they have done something notably bad. Even the New Testament states that, at the most liberal interpretation, marriage is an *equal* submission to each other. Neither side is the total boss, but if either side is in charge, it is the man. Your holier-than-thou Mother is actually a bad example of piety in her own life, and this is before she behaves in a judgemental and selfish manner toward you and your girlfriends.

 

[The Inside Man]

Hi Luke, I am somewhat new here but have been browsing for a while and following your posts. First I thought you were a troll but I now I'm sure that is not the case. I want to say that Bible Belt is giving you great advice...you need to take that advice, and just make the leap. Do not worry about the feelings of your mom right now in this situation, if she truly loves you and does not just want to control you, she will be happier in the long run that you are finally taking the steps to leading a responsible adult life. Look at all you've accomplished in your job right now...That is a huge step that I haven't taken yet. I am about to start insurance licensing and sales in a week and I am worrying about all the work in addition to my classes. But it is a step I need to take to become a responsible functioning member of society.

2 Months ago, I moved to southern florida after I got my bachelors degree and it was one of the toughest things I have had to do. I still miss my family alot, and they were all very against me going to grad school so far away in the beginning. But I had to follow through with what I wanted to do in my life, even if it was at odds with my family. After they saw I was convinced to move here and start over by myself, with no friends or family for 1200 miles, they became very supportive and are actually paying my rent until I start working full time. We talk on the phone every night for about half an hour or so. Actually, starting from the first time I moved out to go to college 2 hours away when I was 18, my relationship with my family only improved. This is a normal step that you take in adulthood.

You're not too late to start living in your own and meeting more people and girls. Like I said, moving that far away was one of the toughest things I've had to do and I still miss my family alot, but we never go more than a month or two without seeing each other for a weekend. I even cried the first week when I was here and it just hit me how totally alone I was. But I emerged from that experience emboldened to take advantage of this situation that God has given me. God does not want you to live your life under the hand of your mother, he wants you to grow and develop as a person on your own WHILE keeping good relationships with the family. This can be lunch a few times a week, or dinner. And I am not suggesting that you have to move as far as I did to have the same effect.

Moving out will give you confidence and you will use YOUR discretion and not another persons for what girl you want to hang out with. One more thing about the actual dating part...DOn't even worry about having sex when meeting someone or hanging out for the first time. Evaluate them physically, but then get to know the person, talk to them like you would an old friend. I like to crack jokes alot, but also ask personal questions. Look at it like you want to know the important things in that persons life and genuinely care, and many times they will open up to you. Now that you have the kissing experience you can use that when you feel comfortable and you're both laying down watching a movie or something. For someone like you, who is not looking just to get laid with a skank, this is the best approach and one I often use as well if I am into a girl. This is still done from an alpha mindset of course, and in a non supplicating way. Just don't worry too much about the physical part, it will fall into place if you get to know the person AND have them back at your own pad. Hope this helps Luke, you're on an upward swing, keep improving!

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Great news - looks like 1/3 people I corresponded is open to meeting me.

That leads the past numbers games as follows 1/4 response, and out of that 1/3 dates.

3/12 replied (1/4). 1/3 - dates - or 1/12. Thus for every 12 emails could lead to one pursuable date.

So far I'm engaged in systematically sending four emails every day to new people on plentyoffish - since there is a 1/4 chance anyone will respond back - and will see if the profile change has led to any positive change in response by the end of the week.

 

[Bible_Belt]

That's great Luke, but what's the point if your Mom sabotages any gf you get? Hide from her any girl you start dating, and keep planning on moving out asap.

Speaking of Moms, I saw mine tonight and told her about the crazy girl I like. I have known this girl for years, so my Mom happens to know her drama. She was surprised, and told me that this girl was not anything long-term for me. I replied that actually I like her, and she might be. My Mom was like, "oh, ok." She knows better than to try and tell me what to do. I mentioned to the gf that I told my mom about her, and she was impressed that I was up-front with my Mom and did not need to seek approval from her. Then we had what she refers to as 'crazy, hang-from-the-rafters monkey sex' for hours. She is asleep in my bed right now as I try to type this quietly. This sex thing is great, Luke, you should really try it. But it's not going to happen until you first stand up to your Mother.

 

[Nighthawk]

Luke, remember Jesus was boinking that Mary Magdalane ho and didn't let his 'virgin' momma stop him.