But at the same time you don't really know what to say to her. It's as if she doesn't have any core values. Half the time you're explaining things to her and she soaks it up like a sponge. But her values in reality are your values. There probably have been times you were sitting next to her wondering what to say.
Not gonna lie, there HAVE been times where I was sitting next to her and wondering what to say. More so in the beginning but even now sometimes. However, I’m not sure that I can relate that to BPD, as I’ve had plenty girls in the past where every now and then you just sort of don’t’ have any topics in your convo any more and there are those moments of just kinda hanging out and not saying a whole lot. I think this is pretty normal with everyone as you can only talk about so many things with the same person before you move on to talking about your daily endeavors and what not, as you guys already have heard most of the stories from each others lives. So yes, I have felt like that, and yes, perhaps some of it is because of BPD, as I do realize now, thinking back on it, that she has adapted to mirror me pretty good and some of my values.
And 49au, thanks for that article, I read that as well, and that’s definitely her, she’s a “waif” the more cool and collected BPD, doesn’t yell or raise her voice, doesn’t get violent. Oh, and I have spent most of my free time from her over the last 6 days simply reading up on this religiously. I have read some of those horror stories and found my self paranoid last night lol. I live in a 2 story condo, by my self, and I woke up in the middle of a night to use the restroom, and went back to bed and some of the horror stories about BPD started flashing through my head and I found my self imagining her coming into my condo late at night while I was asleep to stalk me (she does have a key to my place, as I gave this to her before I knew she was a loony tune). Get this, lol, I was so paranoid for a minute that I got up and went downstairs (my bedroom is upstairs) and made sure she wasn’t downstairs. I don’t have the chain on my door to lock it from inside, and after I told this to my brother he was laughing really hard but then suggested I get the lock chains for my door so I can lock it from the inside when I’m home and not have to think paranoid thoughts. I’ve been living alone for a long time, and this is the first time I had an experience like this LOL. I kept thinking about some horror scene where I wake up in the middle of the night and she is just there, sitting in front of the bed or leaning on the wall, all cool and calm, maybe holding a knife, and her saying “but baby, we said we would be together forever, I scared, I tired (she says it like that sometimes, instead of saying “I’m tired” she would say “I tired” (like a kid), and instead of “I’m so sleepy” she would look at me like a little kid and be like “I so sleepy” which was another one of the clues that stood out for me after reading the symptoms). So to all of you out there who are not emotionally attached to a BPD at the moment, let me be your example!
I already wrote a whole damn book here, so I’ll stop, but I did just remember another detail from the past, maybe 4 or 5 months ago, not sure. I was out of town for a week and half way though that she started saying how “I don’t’ feel your love” “I don’t’ feel like you love me” and I’m like “huh?? Just 2 days ago you were saying how you know for a fact that I love you and wanna be with me” and she was like “I know, but I dunno, I just don’t feel it”. She was just kinda sad and down about it, didn’t argue with me about it, but was telling me that’s what she felt. I thought she was loosing her mind but didn’t make a big deal about it, was just like “ok, babe, whatever you say”. (this was probably the object constancy issue) Well she went out with 3 of her girlfriends that night, (they all like me as a person and know I’m a good dude), and called me a few times while she was out and texted me as well the whole night, so I am pretty certain she was with them the entire time as when I talked to her at the end of the night she was still with them. Well, she ends up telling me before the night was even over that she has “a confession”. I thought ok, this is it, if she cheated we are broken up for sure, as I will NOT stay with a girl if I know or find out she cheated. Well, she is like, “I guess I flirted with someone tonight”. I’m like “what the hell do you mean you guess you flirted” and she is like ‘well, my friends told me that I was being too flirty with this one guy” “but I didn’t even think I was flirting, there was just a bunch of people there and everyone was talking, I did tell him he has nice teeth but that’s because I always look at peoples teeth, guys and girls, and he really did have nice teeth and that’s all I was saying, but my girlfriends asked me to put my self in your position and if I think it would be ok for you to be like that and I realized that I wouldn’t be too happy about it, so I’m really really sorry baby.” Ok, now when she initially said she had a confession I thought she ran into the Dallas Cowboys football team and they all ran a train on her lol, so after she told me what she had to tell me, I actually felt relieved. However, I played it as I was pissed off like no other and pretty much stayed “fake mad” at her for about 2 days, just so she doesn’t lose respect for me or think that this is “accepted behavior”. I also had a discussion about it and she promised that she will NEVER EVER do that again and that she learned from it and that she didn’t even think she flirted, but her friends though so. (oh, and her friends also thought she was crazy for actually telling me what happened, they said that they were just giving her a heads up, but they didn’t agree that she should have told me that). So when I read some of the stuff so far, I learned that sometimes they might do things to “deliberately” hurt you. Do you think her telling me this was her trying to “deliberatelyl hurt me”, maybe because I was out of town and therefore “abandoned her”? lol, just curious, I didn’t think of this much since, but now it’s coming back to me.
First few months I never once showed any signs of jealousy at all, to the point where she had a conversation with me to see if I really gave a damn, as she has not ever, not once felt that I was jealous (now, I did get jealous here and there, but never showed it, I learned long time ago, especially with hot chicks, that it was best to not show jealousy (unless something clearly blatant and disrespectful) as this separates you from most AFC guys and displays your confidence. So for the most part, I try to act as if I don’t give a damn what they do when I date the hotties. And most time I really don’t’ give a damn what they do lol. Well since, I have gotten “fake mad” and thrown minny fits here and there when I had the opportunity just so she can see some emotion from me. So I guess I do have some acting on my part as well, and all of us here learning the game do have to start acting before those actions become natural and a part of who we are. If you act confident, and happy, eventually you will become confident and happy. You are what you think about most of the time, as they say.
But I will end it here for now, enough for one venting session.
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