You fixed your knee issues by figuring things out that even a specialist didn’t know?? That’s pretty damn amazing/crazy!! Congrats! How much did you have to research to figure that out? And what did the specialist say later, if you even went back to inform him/her, that is?
And dude!!!! YES!!! This “Most borderlines have that empty, sad look. It's difficult to describe, but it is very characteristic” is VERY VERY correct!!! I thought about this the entire weekend (obviously). And noticed it A LOT. Now, she did have a car accident on Thursday, so I was just mainly spending a lot of time at her place as she was in pain and we couldn’t do much else, so not sure if this all magnified that look, but I saw that look OFTEN over the last 4 days or so. Pretty much, since I found out that BPD existed and read about how they feel “empty inside” I’ve been sort of keeping an eye on it. So once again, I’m probably paying attention to EVERY little detail now, so I’m noticing more, but that look is definitely there for now. I’ll see if it becomes less obvious once her car accident pain and trauma is gone. I don’t remember noticing it as often in the past, but I wasn’t really looking for it. Once or twice this weekend when I noticed she had that blank, empty look, I asked her “are you ok”, and she goes “yeah, why”. I’m like “just making sure,, what are you thinking about” and she kinda laughs, and shrugs her shoulders, and says “nothing really”. And I just kinda laughed back and said “haha, ok sparky”.
This morning she was texing me (she was on her way to work) and saying she is freaked out big time driving. She hasn’t drove since her accident on Thursday morning (she got rear ended by a Ford pickup). There was a truck behind her on the highway and it freaked her out just now. Also, during the weekend when I took her around a few times, she would get freaked out for a second whenever someone in front of us (even up to a 100 feet in front of us) turned left. During her accident, a couple of cars ahead of her someone was making a left turn, cause traffic to slightly slow down, and this pickup wasn’t’ paying attention and just ran into her. This one time the car had to have been at least a 100 feet in front of us, and she stopped my conversation and screamed “BABE!!” and I’m like “what??” and she calmed down and said “nothing, sorry”… I looked around and saw nothing (other then the car 100 feet in front making a left turn) I said “what is it, it’s not that car WAYYY out there is it”, and she is like “yeah, I’m sorry”.. So not sure how long it’s gonna take her to get over this car accident now.
But yeah, back to that “look”. You really can’t explain the look until you see it and know what you’re looking for, which is what I noticed a lot this weekend. And then sometimes she will tell me how much she loves me and that I “just don’t understand how much in love with me she is” while she just seemed kinda out of it, so it’s not a good feeling seeing her tell me these things while physically her wibe seems like “I’m in a whole different universe right now” lol. I’ll see if this changes as she slowly gets over her car accident (hopefully she does get over it, no clue).
“because she began to dissociate a lot. Usually when the dissociating starts, you're fvcked.” Ok, so what exactly did you mean here? Can you give me some examples of her dissociating? From you? From her self (what you used to think was her)? I feel as this is an important topic and want to make sure that I’m clear on exactly what you’re trying to say here. What was she dissociating from? Please elaborate. Thanks bud.
I’m also a little curios to how she can “feel” shame and guilt, but not be able to experience it? If she feels it, if she not experiencing it, by definition?
And you are, once again, absolutely correct that 9 months, while not long in normal relationships, does indeed to seem MUCH more intense with a BPD. And I’m sorry about how your breakup unfolded. Sounds pretty damn ugly!! I doubt that she would do something that extreme to me, as I haven’t heard any horror stories about her ex boyfriends, other than they “cheated on her and lied to her”. So hopefully if I end up having a story about me, it won’t be any worse that that lol, but I guess one never knows.
You said “I have to say though that I have talked to several people whose lives were simply destroyed by borderlines.”. This is VERY VERY interesting, and brings up some of the comments she has casually brought up in the past. She has always talked about how she was mistreated and “treated like crap” in the past, but at one point, while she was professing her love to me and how she wants to be with me forever, and have my kids, and be a happy family until we die, she also kinda added in “I’m done with games and breaking hearts, all that is in the past, I just wanna be happy with you”. Which at the time was one of those bad feelings (red flags) that I just wanted to ignore (and did for the most part). But to my self I thought “how the hell are you DONE with “games” and “breaking hearts” if you said YOU were the one who got cheated on and mistreated and treated like crap or what not”. So that was a bit odd to me at the time and I should have questioned it but I didn’t. Another interesting thing was when she was telling me a story about one of her first boyfriends from I guess late high school or early college, they were on and off for a while I guess a year or year and a half or so, (she had 2 other LTRs after him, before meeting me). She said that he saw her at her birthday party at some club and told one of his friends “this girl ruined my life”. And one her close girlfriends was dating his friend so she was there and heard this and told my girl what he said. And when she told me this story she was like “I guess the poor guy was really hurt over everything”. I obviously didn’t think much of this at the time at all, hell, I even questioned how much of it was true lol, sounded like she was just perhaps trying to demonstrate higher value that she is important or something. Now, knowing all this, I’m thinking that the guy probably did mean it when he said “this girl ruined my life”. LOL. Geez, the more I think back, the more of these little hints I realized I missed or just didn’t really know better about them.
“But let's be honest, even if you liked the adoration and thought she might be your soulmate, you knew "something" was off. You couldn't put your finger on it, but for a while now you've been thinking: when is this going to go all wrong? I'm glad she's going to the therapist and take her pills. How did you go about asking her to do so?”
Ok, dude, once again, the above paragraph is VERY VERY true. You seem to know almost everything on the subject and things you are saying are just hitting me right in the face. Yes, you are correct, even though she was projecting that she could be my soulmate, DEEP down,, VERY DEEP down, I had this feeling of “something” being off. Hell, I was visiting my parents (they live in a different state) a few months into the relationship, and was there for a week. Of course, she was freaking out while I was there, begging me not to do anything stupid, saying she misses me, but something about it was just a little off. And here is a kicker, when I was leaving and my parents took me to the airport, while I was saying my good buys my mom says “are you ok, is everything alright with you”? I was like “yeah mom, why”. And she says “I dunno, you’ve just seemed a little more quiet this time around, and like something was bothering you”. (obviously the thing with my BPD was bothering me, since she was kinda being weird that I was away, I didn’t know about all these deep rooted abandonment issues and she just seemed more distant, so I was obviously worried that I was losing my potential “soulmate” at the time. Honestly, our relationship got a lot BETTER after about 4 months or so, that’s when we got really comfortable with each other and that feeling of “something” being off kinda went away for the most part. I actually felt very very good and was very comfortable in the relationship. We had some arguments here and there, but like I said, there was a stretch of 4 or 5 months where she did not have any of her big freak out episodes where she thought about leaving because I was “too good” and she was “not worthy”. Up until last week. And just like you, that same morning she was telling me how she is so insanely in love with me and cannot wait to marry me and have a family with me. And that same night, BAM. That’s when I sort of thought, ok, that just CAN NOT be normal. You can’t feel that way in the morning, and then at night do a 180 without me even doing anything wrong at all! So I did research, and stumbled across some BPD site, and BLAM, smacked me right in the face.)