She will often perceive things as pressure when they are obviously not intended that way. I told my BPD ex I thought she looked great without make up and she took it as me telling her that she dressed like a skank and that I "always" told her what to wear.sexysuave said:Thanks, that sounds like a good way of approaching the situation. I will definitely say that to her.
Side note again, she has told me a million times taht she HATES being told what to do. She says her parents just drove her crazy whenever they would try to tell her what to do and a couple of times she took me off guard by saying "dont' tell me what to do" for some totally simple crap that I didn't even think about .. can't remember the exact examples, but it could be something like "hey, don't forget to call your mom".. her answer: "dont' tell me what to do".. .me "huh???? what are yo utalking about"... this only happend a couple of times, but I thought it was pretty weird at the time. There were plenty of times when I asked her to do something, and she willingly did it, but a couple of times kinda took me off guard for something much simpler than other things she has done for me. Go figure
Thanks to the both of you. When I encounter a problem in life, I try to know everything about it in order to understand it. It's how I fixed my own chronic knee issues as well. I didn't agree with the specialist who was treating me and studied it myself.sexysuave said:Thanks again AlexDP, you're comments have been great. Yes, she does misinterpret things sometimes, but she does love hearing "I love you" quite often, and to know that I miss her. Often she would call me just to tell me she loves me and misses me and just wants to hear my voice and that "I love her". Of course, like most other things, at first I thought this was just cute and that this chick is just really THAT into me lol. Now, after reading all this stuff about BPD, I see the real origins of this.
I did talk to her about the therapist thing and used the similar line to what you wrote. She went along with it and says that she will see him and get her new perscription.
Johny, yes, I can see that AlexDP seems to know a WHOLE LOT about this. How long were you with you BPD chick Alex? At what point did you realize she was BPD? Had I known this earlier, or ANYTHING about this at all, things would have been a lot different. Hell, they're already a lot different. I have no fear now whatsoever of losing this "great" chick, who pretty much sold her self to be my soulmate early on. If she pulls one of those "I'm not good enough for you" deals again, I'm outta there.
I think what you're describing here is her dissociating. You see, there's a difference. Borderlines tend to have an empty, sad look all the time (or in my ex's case a look filled with anxiety and fear), but that look sort of changes into a sad stare when they dissociate. Dissociating is her leaving the situation on an emotional, psychological level. It's as if she's not really present. And she's not.sexysuave said:And dude!!!! YES!!! This “Most borderlines have that empty, sad look. It's difficult to describe, but it is very characteristic” is VERY VERY correct!!! I thought about this the entire weekend (obviously). And noticed it A LOT. Now, she did have a car accident on Thursday, so I was just mainly spending a lot of time at her place as she was in pain and we couldn’t do much else, so not sure if this all magnified that look, but I saw that look OFTEN over the last 4 days or so. Pretty much, since I found out that BPD existed and read about how they feel “empty inside” I’ve been sort of keeping an eye on it. So once again, I’m probably paying attention to EVERY little detail now, so I’m noticing more, but that look is definitely there for now. I’ll see if it becomes less obvious once her car accident pain and trauma is gone. I don’t remember noticing it as often in the past, but I wasn’t really looking for it. Once or twice this weekend when I noticed she had that blank, empty look, I asked her “are you ok”, and she goes “yeah, why”. I’m like “just making sure,, what are you thinking about” and she kinda laughs, and shrugs her shoulders, and says “nothing really”. And I just kinda laughed back and said “haha, ok sparky”.
How serious was the accident?sexysuave said:This morning she was texing me (she was on her way to work) and saying she is freaked out big time driving. She hasn’t drove since her accident on Thursday morning (she got rear ended by a Ford pickup).
That vibe, that's dissociating. She's telling you she loves you, but she's not really telling you. At that point she hardly has a clue who you are. When she dissociates her universe is no longer your universe. This is when you are no longer you. It is dangerous, because it usually happens more towards the end of a relationship. It means your role is changing. You used to be the knight in shining armour, now you're becoming the persecutor. In therapy they teach borderlines to stop dissociating by making them more aware of their surroundings. For example they have to touch stuff and describe what it feels like. This helps them be more in the moment.sexysuave said:But yeah, back to that “look”. You really can’t explain the look until you see it and know what you’re looking for, which is what I noticed a lot this weekend. And then sometimes she will tell me how much she loves me and that I “just don’t understand how much in love with me she is” while she just seemed kinda out of it, so it’s not a good feeling seeing her tell me these things while physically her wibe seems like “I’m in a whole different universe right now” lol.
sexysuave said:I’m also a little curios to how she can “feel” shame and guilt, but not be able to experience it? If she feels it, if she not experiencing it, by definition?
sexysuave said:You said “I have to say though that I have talked to several people whose lives were simply destroyed by borderlines.”. This is VERY VERY interesting, and brings up some of the comments she has casually brought up in the past. She has always talked about how she was mistreated and “treated like crap” in the past, but at one point, while she was professing her love to me and how she wants to be with me forever, and have my kids, and be a happy family until we die, she also kinda added in “I’m done with games and breaking hearts, all that is in the past, I just wanna be happy with you”. Which at the time was one of those bad feelings (red flags) that I just wanted to ignore (and did for the most part). But to my self I thought “how the hell are you DONE with “games” and “breaking hearts” if you said YOU were the one who got cheated on and mistreated and treated like crap or what not”. So that was a bit odd to me at the time and I should have questioned it but I didn’t. Another interesting thing was when she was telling me a story about one of her first boyfriends from I guess late high school or early college, they were on and off for a while I guess a year or year and a half or so, (she had 2 other LTRs after him, before meeting me). She said that he saw her at her birthday party at some club and told one of his friends “this girl ruined my life”. And one her close girlfriends was dating his friend so she was there and heard this and told my girl what he said.
You see what happened there? You're slowly becoming a parent. She's slowly degenerating into your child. For what it's worth you did okay. But like I said, it probably won't be enough in the long run. As for the sex.. I hate to break it to you, but no, you can't know if you're the best she's ever had. She says that to everyone. It's likely she's the best you've ever had though.sexysuave said:The thing about therapist came last night when she was lying in my bed after yet another awesome intimate session. Oh, and the thing is, since her accident and the fight the night before, we haven’t done it for almost a week now. And I have noticed that she gets on an extreme high during and after intimate sessions. I mean we both love it, and she would be at some great highs for hours afterwards, complimenting me on how good it was and just feeling good about everything in general. So I make it a point to always rock her world (really, my goal with any girl is always to be the best lover she’s ever had). There were a few times when we went at it so good that she started crying because of having “back to back” orgasms one right after another, which she says she never experienced before. Well last night afterwards we were laying in bed and somehow the subject of being happy came up. She asked if I’m happy with her and I said “yes, for the most part, until you fre**ing lose it for no apparent reason, I really wish you work on that as I would like to have a stable relationship and not worry about that my girl is gonna hit the bricks anytime she gets really freaked out about something and I’m not even at any fault.” She said “yeah, I know, I’m sorry”. Then I asked her “are you happy” and she said “yes”. I looked at her right in the eyes and said “could you be happier” and she hesitated and said “well, yeah, if I wasn’t ‘crazy time’”. (sort of a breakthrough here, she’s pretty much admitting she is somewhat crazy lol) I just gave her a kiss on the forehead and said “I really feel like you should go see your doctor again, and get your new prescription”. She said “yea”. I said “I know it sounds silly and all, but I think it’s for the best. I really feel like he is trying to help you out. Don’t let it upset you too much if he tells you some things you may not want to hear. He is only trying to help and the only way to benefit from that is to accept the help. There is no benefit in him trying to deceive you.” She was still mostly quiet and shook her head and said “ok, I’ll do it.” Now, whether she follows through remains to be seen. I hope I don’t have to “remind her” and that she just takes care of it and lets me know when her appointment is. I’ll give it a week and see if she says anything.
Borderlines have virtually no self esteem. As they have no sense of self and don't think anyone could ever love them for who they are, they strive to be as goodlooking as they can possibly be. Yes, being hot is an acquired characteristic in their case. It is also why they start learning how to be charming at a very young age. Appearance is all she's got, she has to put a lot of effort into that. Now don't get me wrong: your girlfriend is probably also fun to be around. But at the same time you don't really know what to say to her. It's as if she doesn't have any core values. Half the time you're explaining things to her and she soaks it up like a sponge. But her values in reality are your values. There probably have been times you were sitting next to her wondering what to say.sexysuave said:So thanks for all your help thus far. Also, one question has been running through my mind today. I’ve read its mainly “very very hot” chicks that suffer from BPD. Well, you’ve done more research that I have, so why is this? If these symptoms are based on possible traumas early in life, how come the average chicks or even ugly chicks don’t develop BPD? Why is it that only the really hot ones get it? Or maybe the average or uglys have it also but it’s less reported? Perhaps because not too many guys are into ‘em anyway?? I’m just really curious on this; so let me know if you have any ideas on that.
If you currently have too many women chasing you, calling you, harassing you, knocking on your door at 2 o'clock in the morning... then I have the simple solution for you.
Just read my free ebook 22 Rules for Massive Success With Women and do the opposite of what I recommend.
This will quickly drive all women away from you.
And you will be able to relax and to live your life in peace and quiet.
This is the sad part. Borderlines aren't bat**** crazy. Their disorder is fairly understandable. What they do makes sense. That is, not like your or my actions would make sense, but when you think things through, you can understand it. Borderlines are emotional children, but most of them are far from stupid. They do sense something is wrong with them. They're just not capable of realizing what it is. What she said right there? Well, there's going to be a moment in your life you'll think back about that and start to cry. Because you'll realize how miserable she really is. She had a moment of clarity. And it made her feel bad about herself. For an instant she realised she and everyone around her would be happier if she changed. Of course she'll never do it. And tomorrow she will not remember ever having said that she was crazy - YOU are the crazy one by then.sexysuave said:Well last night afterwards we were laying in bed and somehow the subject of being happy came up. She asked if I’m happy with her and I said “yes, for the most part, until you fre**ing lose it for no apparent reason, I really wish you work on that as I would like to have a stable relationship and not worry about that my girl is gonna hit the bricks anytime she gets really freaked out about something and I’m not even at any fault.” She said “yeah, I know, I’m sorry”. Then I asked her “are you happy” and she said “yes”. I looked at her right in the eyes and said “could you be happier” and she hesitated and said “well, yeah, if I wasn’t ‘crazy time’”.
As with anything BPD related it is an illusion though. You only think your happiness depends on this person. After a couple of weeks you slowly start to regain your lost (more like stolen) self. After a few months you start to think about what it was you really liked about your borderline ex as a person. And you will realise it is almost nothing. You liked her, because you needed her the way she needed you.bigneil said:True AlexDP. Only a really hot girl could act so mean and crazy while having a man stick around long enough to learn what BPD is.
The reason men fall so hard for them is because these women come on much stronger than most (the idealization phase when you are seen as perfect to them). First they are manic (unusually happy) then they are depressed (unusually sad) - the devaluation phase when you are demonized.
The reason it feels hard to replace them is because you are remembering what it was like to meet this unusually happy person who seemed to adore you from day 1, and normal girls don't act that way that quickly.
The contrast you feel between how strong she came on at first, to how coldly and quickly she abandoned you after, is about as strong as one girl can achieve. She goes from being the hottest girl you ever had to the coldest girl you ever had, overnight. If you loved her, you will go from being as happy as can be to as sad as can be - in the blink of an eye. She will delight in seeing this and will remind you how weak you are.
sexysuave said:st_99, not sure what you want me to tell you bro??