new guy, wife treats me like ****

[DonGorgon]

Hi, I'm a newbie. First post. Married 7 years, 2 kids. Kids are 2 and 5. I work and earn more than enough for everyone. We have a nanny, and wife goes to a health club 5 days a week. Been sleeping in a separate bed for almost 10 months. No sex. No affection. Nothing. Wife blames all of our problems on me. Refuses to want to reconnect. We separated for 4 months. I've been back in the house for about 6 months now. We we're in counseling, then she ended it. The counseling gave me some insight into how I can improve things. It helped to defuse the anger, but when it came time to "reconnecting" she said she wasn't interested. Last week I was at the end of my rope and I stumbled onto this forum. I now realize, after reading through this forum, that I'm one of those super nice guys who keeps doing nice things, and that she has lost respect for me.

So I am an AFC. Big time. I get it. I made a few changes over the last week, and I've noticed a minor shift. I told her that the health club, and the nanny are luxuries and that given that she does not want to sleep in the same bed with me, or have a relationship, that I'm done paying for luxuries. She whipped her wedding ring off, threw it at my head and said "sell it, and give me the money. Then I will pay for the health club." I did slip a day later, and told her I wouldn't get rid of her membership, but for about a day I felt like a man. I have stopped showing her attention. I'm not ignoring her out of spite, or as a power-grab. I'm doing it because I'm sick of letting this person and their issues prevent me from having a happy life. I go out with friends, play sports, and generally try to enjoy myself as much as possible.

I do still love my wife very much, and deep in my heart I want to revive our relationship. I get that my nice guy ways have played a role in her losing respect for me. Thanks for listening to my story...p.s. it's our anniversary next week. My plan is to do and say nothing. If she makes a stink, I will tell her that there is no reason to celebrate given that we don't have a relationship. Advice is greatly appreciated!

typical and sad i keep telling men t stop getting married and having kids with tis his ... its too late fork you.. file for divorce now and cut your losses this situation will not get better and the longer you stay in the more broken you will be in the end ...yes you will have too pay but thats you punishment for getting marred...

pack up and move on now before she breaks you ben more..

 

[speed dawg]

[*]Get hard evidence if she is cheating.....private detective if you can.

And for the love of God, if you find hard proof that she is cheating, DO NOT freak out and confront her about it. Stay calm, and continue building your case against her. Get you a punching bag if you have to, to take out your anger.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Cheating is irrelevant to the divorce, at least from a legal perspective. Every state in the US has moved to no-fault divorce. She could be turning tricks on the street corner, and the judge won't care.

The best reason for the OP to not get a mistress right now is to keep the wife from going into attack mode while he is defenseless.

 

[Colossus]

Cheating IS relevant, especially to child custody. Ask dasein.

 

[kingvavy]

OK, I really do appreciate the "prepare for the worst" (i.e divorce) tips. They are valuable, and I will start with this. That being said, I'm not quite there yet. I never discount the possibility of anything, but I'm pretty sure she is not banging anyone at the gym. You never know, but I am fairly certain she is not. Yes we are in separate beds, but to address Danger's response, I am in the master bedroom. She moved to the guest bedroom. I did have serious anger issues that added to where we are now. I was never physical, but shouted a lot and basically had a complete inability to manage my anger. My father was a horribly abusive alcoholic who treated my mom pretty bad. I went through a long period of anger management, and have been sober for 4 years. I have made serious changes, and that is in part why I haven' been served papers yet. She claims to have PTSD, so basically if I get even the slightest bit upset, she goes into some ultra defensive mode where she assumes the worst. I think the biggest reason I am an AFC, is because I grew up seeing my Mother constantly reduced to tears. Life is a *****. Her family background is equally messed up. Nuff said.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Relationships require both sides wanting the relationship to work. If she's decided to hate you forever, you're not going to change her mind.

 

[kingvavy]

totally agreed. My plan is to spend the summer focusing on making myself happy and getting into the best shape possible. I spend too much time concerned about her. I need a break.

 

[cordoncordon]

OK, I really do appreciate the "prepare for the worst" (i.e divorce) tips. They are valuable, and I will start with this. That being said, I'm not quite there yet. I never discount the possibility of anything, but I'm pretty sure she is not banging anyone at the gym. You never know, but I am fairly certain she is not. Yes we are in separate beds, but to address Danger's response, I am in the master bedroom. She moved to the guest bedroom. I did have serious anger issues that added to where we are now. I was never physical, but shouted a lot and basically had a complete inability to manage my anger. My father was a horribly abusive alcoholic who treated my mom pretty bad. I went through a long period of anger management, and have been sober for 4 years. I have made serious changes, and that is in part why I haven' been served papers yet. She claims to have PTSD, so basically if I get even the slightest bit upset, she goes into some ultra defensive mode where she assumes the worst. I think the biggest reason I am an AFC, is because I grew up seeing my Mother constantly reduced to tears. Life is a *****. Her family background is equally messed up. Nuff said.

Ok now this changes things...a little. I lived with a BPD for about a year and a half around 10 years ago. And she drank. And when she drank? She yelled. And after a while I too started to cringe and kind of shrink back to avoid any type of confrontation. And this lasted for a year or two after we broke up. I wouldn't call it PTSD, but I was changed to a degree and it took me a while to overcome that. So I can sympathize with her there. Still doesn't change my overall critic.....that being you should start preparing for divorce. But I can see a little of her side now. People who scream and yell all the time, with alcohol added in? Absolute nightmares to live with. Maybe the worst kind actually.

 

[dasein]

Cheating IS relevant, especially to child custody. Ask dasein.

I don't know, am not a domestic lawyer, could be that it affects custody claims. Wasn't thinking legally but thinking about the social and family situation. The minute he cheats and it gets out, every crappy behavior of hers past present future is mitigated 110% in their social circle, she becomes a victim, her own cheating is rationalized instantly. Have seen this happen to friends seveal times where a b-tch of an ice cold or "let herself go" wife treats him like sh-t for years and then once he finally goes elsewhere and it gets out? She's instantly the victim of "that filthy pig" for all times. Also, there's the poisoning the kids angle, "daddy broke up our family because he wanted another woman." Don't be in that situation, rest assured she will be cooking ridiculous stuff up anyway.

Have also seen it happen with drugs where she is a cokehead/pillhead/alky and he starts buying/doing it occasionally as a result of -her- wanting it and "wanting to party... you are so straight-laced!" Then guess who is instantly blameless and was led into it by him? "Did you hear about Jen and Will? All this time Will was hooked on crack!" Have seen it more than once.

OP keep your nose clean, lots of great ideas in this thread. Do your homework and clamp down on the luxuries.

 

[Zarky]

My plan is to spend the summer focusing on making myself happy and getting into the best shape possible. I spend too much time concerned about her. I need a break.

That is absolutely the best thing you can do. You've already solved your issue. Now stick with it.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear King,
Danger had an interesting point,"Make sure she isn't squirreling your own money away to use against you. But do so with caution. Do you raise red flags for her to detect what is coming." I had a property settlement with a wife who never worked,had nothing in the Bank when she married...I was gob-slapped that she had managed to salt away $160+grand over 23 years!...I only showed this Court Stamped document to my Daughter,a couple of weeks ago...she was visibly shocked!

 

[sodbuster]

Watch out for the financial "Pearl Harbor" where she drains the accounts, closes the credit cards and calls the cops on you for domestic violence... In the time you are moved out or in jail, she can file for divorce and a protection order. NOW you have NO money and NO PLACE to live.

You need a card she can't get to or cancel. I had all mine transferred over to my office address and cancelled the joint one when she filed. I didn't get to the joint checking account in time, but there was only $200 in it... and SHE took it.. I had about 20k in cash in my office desk and the things I thought were important to me OUT of the house.

 

[Lexington]

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Even though you think you're certain that she's not cheating, there's a good chance you are not thinking rationally about all the facts. You have obviously invested a lot into this relationship and you have admitted you're an AFC.....you're not going to change overnight or even a few months. It's going to take a while to undo a lifetime of conditioning.

Just to make sure, consider hiring a private investigator. Collect evidence about any cheating. Cheating in and of itself may not be an issue in a no fault divorce, but you can still (rightfully) taint her character, which can only help in getting you a good settlement. Another option I've read is to get a consultation with all the best divorce attorneys and to establish a lawyer-client relationship with them. Disclose confidential info and document the interactions. That will make it a conflict of interest for those attorneys to represent her.

If you want to truly increase your value, you have to be able to walk. You're not going to be able to fake it at this stage. You have to be fully prepared to leave her and lead a great life. She will almost certainly notice your lack of neediness in the way you carry yourself. That might be enough to salvage the relationship but I wouldn't count on it.

 

[logicallefty]

Kingvavy - Welcome to this forum. It takes some real b@lls to admit what you have to yourself and to us. The good news is, you will get a ton of good support and info on here. It's an unfortunate time, but you have came to the right place:

Regarding her possibly cheating: something I posted about a few weeks ago that I will repeat for you. If possible, try to have sex with her a time or two more, and for only this reason. Do you notice any unusual odor from her v@gina, like really fowell, way worse than it ever smells normally? Kind of smells like burnt and rotton or saur meat together? If so, that is one sign that she is very likely cheating. The female v@gina can smell like this when it is adjusting from one man's sperm to another. It's some PH factor thing.

Good luck!

 

[MtnMan]

Sorry I have no real experience to add to the discussion, but these guys are giving you some great advice. This is one of the more informative threads I have read in a while.
OP, I wish you the best of luck!

 

[kingvavy]

cheating is so hard to prove....it's easy to let your mind run wild. There is a ton of evidence to suggest that she might be, but she is never alone long enough to actually do it. I think she is at the "thinking about it" stage. I'll never say never, but I'm pretty on top of where she is at all times.

 

[usernamedox11]

While the guys have given good advice, I believe your wife is ungrateful. I would not stay with a person like that. Most women suck, but I've met women who are mature and they would not be as ungrateful and as immature as your wife.

 

[In2theGame]

Someone mentioned something like this earlier, but I will recap.

1. Start being around less, a little late from work more often. Pay less attention to her.STOP fighting with her. Just care less.
2. Start dressing better.
3. Join a fitness center and start lifting weights, build some muscle. LOSE some fat!
4. Don't always answer your phone, or return calls right away.



Two can play the mind-fvck jealousy game.

NOTHING makes a woman more insecure than seeing her man all of a sudden start getting in great shape, taking more care with his appearance, less time at home, always at the gym, etc. Know why?

Because this is exactly what women do when they are prepping to drop the divorce bomb. They are getting themselves in market shape. So, when you do the same, they instinctively feel threatened. THIS may bring her ass around and scare her into treating you better. If it doesn't? You still win. You are now more marketable as a single man.

Although i dont have experience in the Divorce arena (I hope i never have to) Mauser gave good advice here. To touch up on his points,

1. Start being around less, a little late from work more often. Pay less attention to her.STOP fighting with her. Just care less. -
This will create imagination in her mind as to what your doing and where you are. Women can be so dumb about this type of stuff because even though she may be feeling detached from you, all of a sudden she will begin to wonder what your doing, Where you are and with who. This can change her attitude and at best begin to even wonder if theres another Woman in the picture, EVEN if shes messing with another guy, she will begin shifting her thoughts from that guy to you and potentially another Woman.

2. Start dressing better. - This is a Given, Begin dressing better and again this magnifies her imagination i mention in point #1. Also start smelling better too. Buy a good solid cologne like Cool Water and that will create an impact.

3. Join a fitness center and start lifting weights, build some muscle. LOSE some fat! - This is 100% good idea. Get some fckin legit Testosterone if you can. You can even get if from a doctor. It will help lose fat, Build muscle, You'll have a more dominating attitude and better focus and feeling. Once your packing on muscle and leaning out, I bet ANYTHING she will try to get you to be all lovey with her because by then you will attract other women.

4. Don't always answer your phone, or return calls right away - Again, an extension to #1.... Make her wonder where and what your doing.

 

[kingvavy]

Thanks. It's not going to be easy to implement this, but I have no choice. I will let you know how it goes as the weeks go by. Appreciate the support.

 

[logicallefty]

Kingvavy - Welcome to this forum. It takes some real b@lls to admit what you have to yourself and to us. The good news is, you will get a ton of good support and info on here. It's an unfortunate time, but you have came to the right place:

Regarding her possibly cheating: something I posted about a few weeks ago that I will repeat for you. If possible, try to have sex with her a time or two more, and for only this reason. Do you notice any unusual odor from her v@gina, like really fowell, way worse than it ever smells normally? Kind of smells like burnt and rotton or saur meat together? If so, that is one sign that she is very likely cheating. The female v@gina can smell like this when it is adjusting from one man's sperm to another. It's some PH factor thing.

Good luck!

FYI, OP and all:

I found the official CDC Fact sheet regarding the v@g getting stannkey' from multiple sex partners: Bacterial Vaginosis it's called

http://www.cdc.gov/std/bv/stdfact-bacterial-vaginosis.htm

Could make it easy and call it "Lefty's scratch and sniff test"

When my cheating ex bigamist wh0re had this, she quit letting me go down on her. But my d!ck stunk so bad after sex that I had to shower twice to get rid of it.