new guy, wife treats me like ****

[kingvavy]

Hi, I'm a newbie. First post. Married 7 years, 2 kids. Kids are 2 and 5. I work and earn more than enough for everyone. We have a nanny, and wife goes to a health club 5 days a week. Been sleeping in a separate bed for almost 10 months. No sex. No affection. Nothing. Wife blames all of our problems on me. Refuses to want to reconnect. We separated for 4 months. I've been back in the house for about 6 months now. We we're in counseling, then she ended it. The counseling gave me some insight into how I can improve things. It helped to defuse the anger, but when it came time to "reconnecting" she said she wasn't interested. Last week I was at the end of my rope and I stumbled onto this forum. I now realize, after reading through this forum, that I'm one of those super nice guys who keeps doing nice things, and that she has lost respect for me.

So I am an AFC. Big time. I get it. I made a few changes over the last week, and I've noticed a minor shift. I told her that the health club, and the nanny are luxuries and that given that she does not want to sleep in the same bed with me, or have a relationship, that I'm done paying for luxuries. She whipped her wedding ring off, threw it at my head and said "sell it, and give me the money. Then I will pay for the health club." I did slip a day later, and told her I wouldn't get rid of her membership, but for about a day I felt like a man. I have stopped showing her attention. I'm not ignoring her out of spite, or as a power-grab. I'm doing it because I'm sick of letting this person and their issues prevent me from having a happy life. I go out with friends, play sports, and generally try to enjoy myself as much as possible.

I do still love my wife very much, and deep in my heart I want to revive our relationship. I get that my nice guy ways have played a role in her losing respect for me. Thanks for listening to my story...p.s. it's our anniversary next week. My plan is to do and say nothing. If she makes a stink, I will tell her that there is no reason to celebrate given that we don't have a relationship. Advice is greatly appreciated!

 

[kingvavy]

Thanks. I thought that she may have been cheating, but can't really see when she would have the time. (i.e. goes to club in the morning, drops kids off at school at 12.) Maybe? Who knows? That doesn't rule out a potential emotional affair, so you could be right. I appreciate this. Thanks!

 

[Colossus]

I wont go into great detail as situations like this have been covered here many times. Check out the Married Man forum or do a search.

I agree with the above points except for the cheating. Do not give her ANY ammunition to use against you in court should this go to divorce. Want to see your kids again? Dont cheat.

DO:

-Ignore her
-Discontinue ALL non-essential financial support
-Sell her ring and keep the money. You bought it, after all.
-Start a cash savings plan. Divert any funds that she may have access to.
-Speak with a lawyer. Don't wait for her to do it first. Do you like WINNING? Then prepare for the worst.

It sounds like you have made a genuine concerted effort to reconcile. You probably are a raging AFC, but that can be changed. Also, marriage counseling? Fvck that. They usually pander to the women anyways. Guess what---ALL MEN have anger. Not that anger is usually good, but that's something women us against us to come out on top.

I'm serious about the above points. Trust me if you do not take steps to prepare you will get hosed. Ask any older man here who has been though it.

 

[kingvavy]

I appreciate all of the above points. She had ample time/opportunity to leave me. She knows I'm a great father, and she doesn't hate me enough to want to sell the house, uproot the kids, go through a divorce, etc. I will prepare myself for the possibility of her divorcing me, but I don't want to assume that it's a 100% inevitability. As for selling the ring, and discontinuing the health club/nanny, please explain why? I make a lot of money, so I would only be doing this for what reason? To flex my muscles? I agree with ignoring her, but what is the benefit from cutting her off and selling her ring?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Kingvavy,
Very similar to my own story,my wife had a very privileged lifestyle,stayed at home,a cleaning lady her own Car,cash to spend...her kick was Yoga and it transpired Lesbian Lovers...when I cut the Money and cleaning Lady off,she said the wedding ring no longer fitted,cut her hair in a Butch haircut,played the asvexual Bvitch.....I recently read "The Sex Diaries"by Bettina Arndt,a lot of true but sad stories about how Men in Marriage so often are deprived of Svex....many stories like yours and mine...the only two that came back from the brink,were where the Husband laid down in writing an absolute agenda of what he wanted and what he intended to do if he didn't get it within a specified time frame...I see little hope for you and think before you offer her this ultimatum,you seek legal advice on how best to protect your money and visiting rights,then give your ultimatum and if you don't get satisfaction then strike the pre-emptive blow!

 

[kingvavy]

thanks scaramouche, that seems like a realistic plan. Man, that's rough.

 

[Colossus]

I appreciate all of the above points. She had ample time/opportunity to leave me. She knows I'm a great father, and she doesn't hate me enough to want to sell the house, uproot the kids, go through a divorce, etc. I will prepare myself for the possibility of her divorcing me, but I don't want to assume that it's a 100% inevitability. As for selling the ring, and discontinuing the health club/nanny, please explain why? I make a lot of money, so I would only be doing this for what reason? To flex my muscles? I agree with ignoring her, but what is the benefit from cutting her off and selling her ring?

You are a chronic nice guy. It isn't about saving money. Your wife does not respect you. Do you like that feeling? If not then you need to lay down the law. You ARE the law, because you support her and the kids. Cut her off. She will pitch a huge fit, curse you out, threaten you, etc, but you need to stand firm. Trust me on this. Stand firm. Even if she tries to bribe you with sex or being sweet. You need to see a prolonged DEMONSTRATED period of respect before you let up.

Regarding the ring, she took it off and threw it at your head! Major, massive disrespect. There has to be consequences. Stop being so sentimental towards this women who treats you like sh!t. Stand up for yourself. The message you are currently sending is that she can treat you--the provider, father, and husband---like total crap and STILL get all these privileges. If you did that to a child he/she would be a spoiled rotten brat.
If you guys end up reconciling, you can always get her another ring. But you need to make a statement. Sell that fvcker. Tell her why---because she treats you like garbage and doesn't deserve to wear a ring you paid for. You don't have to be super mean about it, but you do need to be resolute.

You need to prepare for the worst. That doesn't mean you need to assume it will happen, but women have wayyyy more power than we do in the family and marital courts. She can destroy you. You need to prepare and think of your kids. Women can poison the mind of a child against you. In the meantime, utilize our advice and better yourself.

 

[kingvavy]

you're right. I need a few days to think this through before I take a stand. **** will hit the fan, and I hate drama, but you are 100% right. Thanks again for the feedback.

 

[cordoncordon]

I guess my one and only question would be do you want to spend the rest of your life in total misery and look back when you are 75 years old and see what a total waste your life was, or do you want to break ties with this woman, start your life anew, start acting LIKE A MAN, and find someone that you truly enjoy spending time with and that enjoys spending time with you?

Stop wasting precious time and energy on people who do not care about you or respect you, and start spending precious time and energy on those people that do. Life is too short to go through that every day.

 

[Warrior74]

Read this.
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/relationship-game-week-a-readers-journey/

 

[Kailex]

Brother, let me tell you something... when she took her ring off and threw it at your face, she was trying to tell you something. The whole act is symbolic. She's willing to throw her whole relationship out the window for a health club membership. Why do you think that is? Why do you think it is so important to her?

The reason why she hasn't left you yet is because she is currently co-dependent on your finances and is probably living the "life" at your expense. All she worries about is working out for her fvck buddy and your kids. You are an after-thought but your wallet probably carries more weight in her life than you do.

You say you hate drama... but it sounds like you have been living it.

Take everyone's advice here. It's the best.

 

[dasein]

Didn't read whole thread, agree with Colossus, DON'T CHEAT! The other suggestions are good though.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Start converting assets to cash, and then hiding the cash. Everything you have on paper is half hers. If you're contributing to a 401k or retirement plan, you might as well stop doing so, because she'll take half of what is left after you are forced to liquidate and take substantial penalties.

Now's a good time for her to get a job, at least a part-time one. That will help you not get so screwed on alimony. You're already going to lose half of every paycheck to child support.

If you could sell her on the idea of a "trial separation" and get her an apartment before you file for divorce, you might get to keep your house. She at least won't be able to falsely claim abuse, get a protective order, and kick you out of your own house. You're thinking she would never do that, but if I was her lawyer and it was my job to represent her interests to the fullest extent, that is what I would coach her to do. My mom's lawyer did that to my dad when she divorced him. All the woman has to say is that she "feels intimidated" and the protective order will get rubber-stamped. You don't get a trial or hearing, and she does not have to provide any evidence.

I once had a wife and a good job, especially for how young I was. She didn't have to work. She had her own car, we had a nice condo. Her parents sent her spending money. I thought she had the perfect life. But apparently she got so bored that she became suicidally depressed and sat around all day planning how to kill herself. She never did, thankfully, but it all came as a shock to me. Logically, her life was perfect. Our divorce was friendly, and that is the best way to go.

I am telling you all this to prepare for the worst. Whether or not it will happen, you still need to cover your ass.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Women speak one language buddy and that's jealousy. Withdraw all the nice things you do for her, no more nanny. Get on her case about doing her motherly duties like a person that is not working should.

Start doing things to better yourself. Go to another gym, maybe join an MMA or boxing gym or something cool, buy nice clothes, start going out Sat night, maybe take some dance lessons. These are all things that take your romantic/masculine interests away from her and yet do not count as cheating. It will have the same effect. And all while you raise your value in her eyes and maybe have a little fun too. It's gonna look like you have something going on and that's exactly what you want. You might even start looking better! And if she asks don't you dare reassure her in any way at all. Straight up tell her that she does not deserve to know anything about you until she gives you an apology for behaving so poorly and disrespectfully. A FUKKING APOLOGY for real, she must be made to submit, she must view you as an authority or no go. Whenever she talks to you never address anything she says, just keep telling her you can't believe she is throwing her family life away. What she says is mute anyways, the emotional content is all you need to pay attention to. "I can't believe you are throwing your family life away" = loss in an emotional argument. And woman can only have emotional arguments

You have to show her you are ready to walk away and have an awesome life without her. It has to be harsh, completely disregard her existence.

 

[speed dawg]

Hey kingvavy, one thing that has jumped out to me here is that you said you make a lot of money. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT overlook her signs of wanting out just because she hasn't formally left. If you make a lot of money, she wants that security. It happens all over the place, every day. Know this. I can't give you any better advice than some of the other guys here, but that is one thing I picked up on.

Money will make any woman reluctant to leave. But I am guessing that she's definitely cheating on you here, or at least has her eye on someone.

 

[Zarky]

Yup, I'm dating a chick who is getting divorced right now, who withdrew a sh*t-ton of money from her joint account AND borrowed $100,000 from their home equity line of credit two days before she left her ex. She left while he was at work and her mom and sister came with a moving company and moved ALL, and I mean ALL, of the sh*t that was worth anything out of the house into a huge storage unit until she found a new place.

She'd been planning it for months, the whole time being super nice to him. He's trying to get the money back in the divorce proceeding with little luck so far. I would not be surprised if he has to declare bankruptcy when the whole thing is over.

Now she's renting a large, two storey, four bedroom house on her husband's dime, plus she's getting alimony, plus child support. And I come over and bang her silly on the bed that he bought. Yes, she even asked him to buy a new mattress a week before she moved out, which she took with her.

One of the many eye-opening experiences I've had with new divorcees. They tell me everything, for some reason. And I don't detect any sense of shame either. By the time a woman makes that move, she basically sees you as the enemy, I think. She has no pity, no remorse, nothing. She sees you as a pile of unclaimed money that she wants to grab as much of as she can.

I cannot fathom what it would be like to be an ex-husband paying big bucks (this guy is a doctor) so that your wife can f*ck some other dude or dudes. Our first date, the chick split the check with me and then invited me over to her house where I f*cked her raw and came inside her (no worries her tubes are tied, she's 38).

I thought to myself damn.. WTF. I'm some shmuck living on friends' couches, I'm on f*cking food stamps now because I gross so little, and I'm raw-dogging this blonde in her husband's bed two hours after meeting her?

A strange reality. The whole idea of getting married is so foreign to me after encountering a few women like this. Man I've got some stories. The dorks here make fun of me for dating divorcees, but if doing so keeps me from making the same mistakes that many dudes make with regard to marriage, I'll gladly date late-30s ex-wives and single moms and such.

Guess the point of this post is... buddy... keep a VERY close watch on your bank accounts. If you can, set up something where only a certain amount can be withdrawn at once or you need both people's signature to do so. Not sure if that's possible, but I'd certainly do that.

EDIT:

And I'd say, if things suddenly get better and she seems like she's on her best behavior and loves you again and so forth... THAT is when she's about to leave you. She's treating you like a prince because she's about to rob you blind.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Let me tell you man, if I marry the best thing she can do for me is give me a healthy kid(s) and leave my life forever. I would much rather date strange than be married to a person injecting negativity into my life because they are bored.

I see no value in prolonged living with a woman unless she adds something good to my life, is super cool, and fun to be with and that's somewhat rare. But anything even close to a monotonous typical married life is not better than being able to do what you want to do.

One of my best buddies married and had a kid early, the girl turned into a drug addict and he ended up having custody of the kid. Dude's life is awesome, his son is great and he can do whatever he wants. He's always had decent game and keeps a decent rotation of nice a$$. He lives well with no woman draining his fundage, his kid is doing real well. No drama, no stress for that guy ever...

 

[In2theGame]

Yup, I'm dating a chick who is getting divorced right now, who withdrew a sh*t-ton of money from her joint account AND borrowed $100,000 from their home equity line of credit two days before she left her ex. She left while he was at work and her mom and sister came with a moving company and moved ALL, and I mean ALL, of the sh*t that was worth anything out of the house into a huge storage unit until she found a new place.

She'd been planning it for months, the whole time being super nice to him. He's trying to get the money back in the divorce proceeding with little luck so far. I would not be surprised if he has to declare bankruptcy when the whole thing is over.

Now she's renting a large, two storey, four bedroom house on her husband's dime, plus she's getting alimony, plus child support. And I come over and bang her silly on the bed that he bought. Yes, she even asked him to buy a new mattress a week before she moved out, which she took with her.

One of the many eye-opening experiences I've had with new divorcees. They tell me everything, for some reason. And I don't detect any sense of shame either. By the time a woman makes that move, she basically sees you as the enemy, I think. She has no pity, no remorse, nothing. She sees you as a pile of unclaimed money that she wants to grab as much of as she can.

I cannot fathom what it would be like to be an ex-husband paying big bucks (this guy is a doctor) so that your wife can f*ck some other dude or dudes. Our first date, the chick split the check with me and then invited me over to her house where I f*cked her raw and came inside her (no worries her tubes are tied, she's 38).

I thought to myself damn.. WTF. I'm some shmuck living on friends' couches, I'm on f*cking food stamps now because I gross so little, and I'm raw-dogging this blonde in her husband's bed two hours after meeting her?

A strange reality. The whole idea of getting married is so foreign to me after encountering a few women like this. Man I've got some stories. The dorks here make fun of me for dating divorcees, but if doing so keeps me from making the same mistakes that many dudes make with regard to marriage, I'll gladly date late-30s ex-wives and single moms and such.

Guess the point of this post is... buddy... keep a VERY close watch on your bank accounts. If you can, set up something where only a certain amount can be withdrawn at once or you need both people's signature to do so. Not sure if that's possible, but I'd certainly do that.

EDIT:

And I'd say, if things suddenly get better and she seems like she's on her best behavior and loves you again and so forth... THAT is when she's about to leave you. She's treating you like a prince because she's about to rob you blind.

How does a Man go through what Zarky described above and not get filled with hellish rage to go find her and strangle the fvck out of her neck. The sad part is ive heard stories like this too.

 

[Zunder]

Give her a good beating. That's all this bytch deserves.
But, seeing as you don't want to end up in jail, well, you need to anull this marriage and do it somehow that it doesn't leave you broke.
Good luck.

 

[kingvavy]

thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. Great forum!