My counselor has proposed a meeting between me and my ex-wife.

[expos]

this thread combined with the other one about the ex's dog in the married forum shows how OP is still too obsessed...

Sorry man...

I'm working through my problems. It's been really hard. I've been dating, spinning plates, slowly getting better, lifting weights and putting on mass and looking much better. I've got a day beach trip planned with this new girl I've been seeing, as well as a Sunday afternoon dinner meetup with a old classmate who texts me literally every day and wants to get in my pants.

I am really trying....but this is what BPD's do to you. I feel terrible, I still care...this was a marriage...love doesn't die easily.

I still need time to process everything. Better to post here than to email her and FAIL in my quest to get better.

 

[zekko]

Update: My ex-wife seems to be melting down. 80 Days No Contact.

In the past few days:

1. She has been looking at my LinkedIn profile...and probably my Facebook profile. She never blocked me and I've never blocked her. I've been tagged in a few posts with this girl I've been seeing via Foursquare. I've also got photos of us on few travels. She probably has seen this proof and flipped.

2. Has started a massive de-friending campaign of our mutual friends on Facebook.

3. Has added and removed old boyfriends. Weird.

Thoughts?

You're thinking about her way too much. Frankly, at this point you shouldn't even be allowing yourself to have her on your mind at all. She's in the past, look to the future.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Update: My ex-wife seems to be melting down. 80 Days No Contact.

In the past few days:

1. She has been looking at my LinkedIn profile...and probably my Facebook profile. She never blocked me and I've never blocked her. I've been tagged in a few posts with this girl I've been seeing via Foursquare. I've also got photos of us on few travels. She probably has seen this proof and flipped.

2. Has started a massive de-friending campaign of our mutual friends on Facebook.

3. Has added and removed old boyfriends. Weird.

Thoughts?

You still care too much. The very fact you know all of this means that you are constantly following her on facebook. You are still interacting with her, albeit indirectly. You need to completely remove this woman from your daily routine.

 

[Mojogoat]

Hey expos,
I would block her on facebook.

Completely remove all ties in order to do yourself a favour and put her firmly in the past. Checking out who she's friending and unfriending on facebook is pretty much the opposite of no contact.

In your day to day life, it sounds like you're putting in a brilliant effort in trying to move forward, so don't sabotage yourself by "checking in" on what she's up to online. I feel like that might be holding you back in terms of clearing your head and moving on with your life.

You're a free agent now, you've a lot to be thankful about, once your head is free of this woman your life is going to get a hell of a lot better. Good luck!

 

[expos]

Just a horrible day - just wondering when this pain is going to end.

I had day date with this girl HB8 on Saturday...we went to beach, had lunch, had dinner and few drinks. Held hands a couple times while walking, kiss closed her. We went out to breakfast a few weeks ago and I didn't make any moves cause I was in a sh!tty place mentally. Anyways, she posted pics of us on my FB wall and a bunch of friends started texting me questions about who she was.

On Sunday, I went out with an old friend and toured an old town that we both used to live in. A few drinks later she is making these eyes at me and looks like she wants to kiss me. I keep my composure...since she's been this long term friend and I sort of don't want to ruin what we have. She writes me this message that night about how she was getting these "intense" feelings when we were talking.

All of this, and I come home to my apartment and all I can think about how I miss my ex-wife and want to fvck her again.

This. Fvcking. Blows.

Sometimes I just want to break this NC crap and just blow myself up, go totally AFC and get this crap out of my system. I can't believe I've gone 84 days NC and it still feels like day 7.

 

[zekko]

Why the fvck are you ruining it with this perfectly good hb8 over this no good POS ex of yours? Snap the fvck out of it! This girl likes you, and is posting pictures of you with her on fb. This is a very very good sign. And you're going to ruin it over some crazy b*tch who doesn't even want to be with you??? Expos, you need to get a grip of yourself.

Brad's completely right. There are guys on this forum who would love to even have the chance to date an HB8, and you are passing it up to worry about your ex.

99% of us have had our hearts broken by women before. You're not the only person on the planet this has happened to, believe me.

As an aside, and I hate to say this, I think this whole counseling/therapy thing is just messing this guy up.

 

[cordoncordon]

You are feeling a sense of attachment with your ex. You are missing that sense of comfort and familiarity. But please bear in mind, this is not real. This is not reality. This is not what makes you happy. Everyone goes through this over a breakup, some worse than others. But just because you are feeling a sense of melancholy for her, that doesn't mean she is right for you. It just means you are a normal person who is going through the stages of grief when you lose someone.

I am not saying get out there and date a million girls. In fact some people shouldnt date at all after a breakup. But I do see a couple of what looks like good girls who have obvious interest in you, and imo it has been enough time where you could at least see them once a week or so while you get your feet back on the ground.

Just realize that your ex was BAD for you. Really bad. And no matter how much you think you miss her, the reality is what you had was never really that good, and it never was going to be. You can find much much better out there, trust me. I know I did and I went through your exact same situation. With a BDP. I have since found someone that makes my relationship with the ex BPD look like night and day. Hell more than that. Like the known Universe and the anti Universe if there is such a thing. It is that much better.

You can find the same. And you will.

 

[Aristippus]

cordoncordon said: "You are feeling a sense of attachment with your ex."

Exactly. And guess what? Your counselor/therapist is making it worse. Many psychotherapists suck. You can not move on if your therapist has a sadistic fetish that involves you reliving the same garbage about the same thing over and over and over.

This is how you find solutions to problems. You do it every day. Here's an example. The room is dark. You take note of it and then you feel around for the light switch (solution). You don't say "Oh my GOD! The room is dark! Oh no! Why is the room dark? How did that happen? Why why why?" The room is dark. You take note. Then you flip on the light switch.

The problem is noted only briefly but is not embellished. This is why many psychotherapists suck. They tell you to think about things that make you feel bad. To talk about things that make you feel bad. To embellish it. To go over every detail that makes you feel bad and to figure out why it makes you feel bad, and then they expect you to feel good!

Let's go ahead and rehash the same old sh!t over and over and by talking about WHY you feel like crap, you will feel wonderful! No. Wrong answer! You have to focus on the solution, not the problem. You have to do things and talk about things and think about things that make you feel good in order to feel good.

If you watch a comedy, you will laugh. If you watch a drama, you will experience different emotions. If you watch a sad movie, you'll feel sad. If you watch a horror movie, you'll be scared (well, that's debatable). But if you watch a good horror movie, the idea is to scare you. You CAN'T feed your brain depressing thoughts and ideas and keep rehashing the negative and expect to feel good.

Sorry pal. That isn't how it works and that's why most psychotherapists are stupid. They tell you to keep rolling in the mud. Stay down in the mud, in the dirt, and everything will be better. Don't worry. If you want to clean up, just go outside in that mudhole and roll around in it! Fire your idiot PSYCHO-therapist and never look back. Go back to common sense and enjoy your life.

 

[zekko]

cordoncordon said: "You are feeling a sense of attachment with your ex."

Exactly. And guess what? Your counselor/therapist is making it worse. Many psychotherapists suck. You do can not move on if your therapist has a sadistic fetish that involves you reliving the same garbage about the same thing over and over and over.

This is how you find solutions to problems. You do it every day. Here's an example. The room is dark. You take note of it and then you feel around for the light switch (solution). You don't say "Oh my GOD! The room is dark! Oh no! Why is the room dark? How did that happen? Why why why?" The room is dark. You take note. Then you flip on the light switch.

The problem is noted only briefly but is not embellished. This is why many psychotherapists suck. They tell you to think about things that make you feel bad. To talk about things that make you feel bad. To embellish it. To go over every detail that makes you feel bad and to figure out why it makes you feel bad, and then they expect you to feel good!

Let's go ahead and rehash the same old sh!t over and over and by talking about WHY you feel like crap, you will feel wonderful! No. Wrong answer! You have to focus on the solution, not the problem. You have to do things and talk about things and think about things that make you feel good in order to feel good.

If you watch a comedy, you will laugh. If you watch a drama, you will experience different emotions. If you watch a sad movie, you'll feel sad. If you watch a horror movie, you'll be scared (well, that's debatable). But if you watch a good horror movie, the idea is to scare you. You CAN'T feed your brain depressing thoughts and ideas and keep rehashing the negative and expect to feel good.

Sorry pal. That isn't how it works and that's why most psychotherapists are stupid. They tell you to keep rolling in the mud. Stay down in the mud, in the dirt, and everything will be better. Don't worry. If you want to clean up, just go outside in that mudhole and roll around in it! Fire your idiot PSYCHO-therapist and never look back. Go back to common sense and enjoy your life.

Totally agree. A therapist is just going to want you to keep wallowing in the mud/your pain. It's all part of the feminization of society. What a man does, what is advised here, is to make a clean break, pull up his bootstraps and get to work on making things better. It doesn't matter if he's hurting, he rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

I think at RSD they call this taking right action. Always take the right action, no matter how you feel.

 

[expos]

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes I need to go AFC on this thread....better than doing it in person I guess.

Next week will be my last appointment with my male therapist. I think I turned a corner today. I'll tell you why in a bit.

In a much better place today. I find the feelings come and go - which I think is natural when you go through something like this.

I texted the HB8 a bit tonight - we are getting together Monday. Because I have this apathetic attitude towards her (because I'm in my sh!tty depressed mode for stretches and don't feel like being attentive and friendly), she is getting drawn closer to me. So I'm DJ'ing in this weird, indirect way.

On another note, I had a friend text me today to tell me that a co-worker of his (HB7.5) is really into me. I made a comment to him that she was good looking (I was looking at a photo of him, this girl, and a few others), he went and told her, she saw my Facebook profile, and she gave him her number to pass along to me in a matter of minutes. I have never met this woman, and I've never said a word to her.

She wants me to text her...I haven't yet. But she had told my friend that she wants all of us to get together on Saturday night so she can meet me.

This was tremendous boost of confidence...something I really needed in what has been one of the toughest three months of my life.

 

[zekko]

I texted the HB8 a bit tonight - we are getting together Monday. Because I have this apathetic attitude towards her (because I'm in my sh!tty depressed mode for stretches and don't feel like being attentive and friendly), she is getting drawn closer to me. So I'm DJ'ing in this weird, indirect way.

So you are.

On another note, I had a friend text me today to tell me that a co-worker of his (HB7.5) is really into me. I made a comment to him that she was good looking (I was looking at a photo of him, this girl, and a few others), he went and told her, she saw my Facebook profile, and she gave him her number to pass along to me in a matter of minutes. I have never met this woman, and I've never said a word to her.

This goes back to a thread I wrote recently. You expressed a bit of interest in her (indirectly, by telling your friend she was good looking), and that got her attention and her imagination going.

Lol, you're getting more tail thrown at you in a matter of days than some guys here hope to get in a year. That should help you take your mind off of old news.

 

[donking]

expos, i think you are in a heightened emotional state. you have to find some inner peace and calm whether or not that revolves around spinning plates.

other activities where you are meeting more people without necessarily having the intention of hooking up may be beneficial - at least before you regain emotional stability. reading books, playing sports, video games, eating healthy, hanging out with friends, whatever leads you to redevelop some emotional willpower is recommended.

chasing tail at this point may be counterproductive while you are still in the phase of comparing them to your ex.

 

[expos]

I guess this thread will be my journal of sorts.

I did end up dancing and making out all night with the HB7.5. Her divorce was finalized this past March and I was her first date since that happened. The night started with her being a little stand-offish. We were with a big group with her co-workers and friends and she didn't seem to want to talk to me.

I made my move at the bar by sharing a stool that two people could barely fit on. This forced us to be close and make very good eye contact. I started by lightly touching her arm...to putting my arm around her waist to keep on the stool. She dragged me to the dance floor and after her rubbing up against me for about three songs, I dragged her to a nearby hallway, pushed her against the wall and made out with her. You can repeat this scenario about 10+ times throughout the course of the night. I walked her to car at the end of the night and kissed her one last time. I have not texted or called her today.

I guess this was the most "passionate" I've been since my split. I've kissed two girls since my divorce, but it felt like I was obligated to do so. I did kiss the HB8 a few weeks back but it wasn't "right" for whatever reason.

One topic I'd like to discuss, one that keeps running through my head, is sort of how my ex-wife treated me back in March (four months after our divorce was final).

She was vicious and just so cruel and said that she was "seeing someone". Taking into account what she said, and comparing to what I experienced last night with the HB7.5, I wondered, if my ex-wife was satisfied with the guy that she was "seeing", why would she project so much anger?

I can't imagine being angry with an ex if you are so OVER THEM. For me, one hot night of making out with a HB7.5 doesn't make me want to go and crucify my ex.

I know none of this matters anymore...but it does make you wonder what is really going on in woman's head and makes me wonder if she really was seeing anyone at all....

 

[Atom Smasher]

Your fatal mistake is wondering what is going on inside a woman's head.

Look at a surfer. Is there any need to wonder what's going on inside his head? He is simply riding the wave, just living the experience with no need for rational thought.

That's how it is with women. You can't understand what's going on inside her head because she is permanently riding the wave of emotion. Emotion is what supports and propels her. She (like all women) is weak and unable to experience life beyond that narrow band of emotion, the rut she is stuck in.

She is reacting, she is reverse-justifying, she is playing whatever self-delusional mind tricks she can in order to feel good about things.

You are going to put yourself through all kinds of torture until you STOP wondering if she's really seeing someone or not, or anything else about her for that matter. For your own sanity, you need to:

accept reality

and get yourself to a place where you don't give a sh!t what she's thinking or what she's doing.

Until you detach, you will be her slave.

 

[MatureDJ]

I look at her like she is insane.

BINGO!

 

[expos]

OH SH!T.

The ex-wife just broke contact. Email and text.

Just sent me an email asking for our old checkbooks. I kept a lot of our financial records...so she's asking for some copies for a few things that we bought...mortgage records, etc. Long story short of email...needs me to bring them to her tomorrow on short notice because she's leaving for business on Monday and wants to take care of it before the weekend.

I have not responded.

This is coming off the heels of my new HB plate blasting photos of us all over my Facebook wall on Monday.

Alright...so I don't F this up and have her ruin me...what should I do?

Is this a BPD recycle attempt in the making?

Here we go....

 

[LongLostFriend]

OH SH!T.

The ex-wife just broke contact. Email and text.

Just sent me an email asking for our old checkbooks. I kept a lot of our financial records...so she's asking for some copies for a few things that we bought...mortgage records, etc. Long story short of email...needs me to bring them to her tomorrow on short notice because she's leaving for business on Monday and wants to take care of it before the weekend.

I have not responded.

This is coming off the heels of my new HB plate blasting photos of us all over my Facebook wall on Monday.

Alright...so I don't F this up and have her ruin me...what should I do?

Is this a BPD recycle attempt in the making?

Here we go....

Do you have a lawyer? Don't give her anything or even respond to her until you consult with one. Seriously, man.

 

[zekko]

Is this a BPD recycle attempt in the making?

Here we go....

Assuming she has a legitimate reason for needing these things, and if they aren't something she can hurt you with, I don't think this is some BPD play to get you back or mess up your happiness or whatever. Sometimes when you split, things like this pop up. My personal policy is to help get it straightened out, whatever it is, it just seems like the mature thing to do. Of course, I don't believe in keeping bitterness alive with my exes. I don't hang out with them, but I am certainly civil with them and I can enjoy talking to them when I run into them. Not all of them can handle that, but I can.

Anyway, if it's important to you to make some sort of PUA theory move here, you could always reframe the situation and make her come pick the stuff up at a time of your choosing. After all, she's the one who needs it. Just have it ready so you can make it a short visit.

But the value to your dropping it off is that you can leave right away, you're controlling that, and you won't have to make the more awkward move of asking her to leave if she tries to stretch the encounter out.

 

[expos]

expos, do you have a divorce agreement or court order in place which requires you to give her your financial information?

If not, then you owe her nothing. Maintain strict NC. If she needs something from you, she can ask nicely and not on such short notice. Otherwise, she will have to get a court order.

She is treating you like a POS. Don't let her.

Our divorce was possibly the most non-messy divorce that I know of. I asked to divorce, she then filed about a month and half later.

No court orders were put into place.

She had a lawyer friend of hers draw up the agreement. I then faxed it to my uncle who is also a lawyer and out of charity he looked it over and didn't charge me a dime.

We simply went to the courthouse and separated before the judge. I kept all of my retirement and personal savings. We split the money in our checking account and joint savings 50/50. We basically lived paycheck to paycheck and didn't have much money because we bought this huge home and were essentially house poor.

So, financially, I did not take much of hit - if any. No children from our marriage...so it wasn't that complicated. She had her name officially changed back her maiden name a day after we divorced...I found that sort of sad for some reason.

We have always been civil when it comes to dealing with the financial stuff...it's only when I asked for some closure and offered my sympathy to her that she went f-ing ballistic on me and I have said a word to her since.

90 days no contact.

The reason I came to this site in the first place was due to AFC-ness during my closure request with her. I didn't cry or anything, but I let her beat on me pretty bad. I've changed so much since that meeting, I feel like a different guy. I've pulled more dates and female interest in the past two months than the last 10 years combined.

I'm just not ready to have her beat me again.

I'm pretty sure I'll get a phone call tomorrow morning. I don't want to fight with her, but she has a short fuse and she's very good arguing. She could have been a lawyer herself.

 

[Alvafe]

I don't see any reason for her wanting anything from you now, better just you ignore any contact.

like you said if you divided everything adn all is done no reason for you do anything, and if things come to this just tell her you will search for it, don't contact ehr again and if she contact you asking about it again says its possible you lost it when moving and ignore her if any other contact happen.

she could be wanting to milk some extra from you since you are looking like you moved on, she want validation you are still on her. in any case that is her problem not yours