My counselor has proposed a meeting between me and my ex-wife.

[Warrior74]

Hey man. I'm not gonna call you a wuss or a beta faggot or anything like that. Relationships take time to get over. It took me a while to get over my ex, hell we were together for seven years. Anyone who says they just snap right back is lying or is a sociopath.

But understand why you aren't together and start accepting the fact that you won't be together. Don't worry about being Alpha/Don Juan. Just focus on being a complete person. It's always time to be a super player later. Just don't beat yourself up and keep doing the things you enjoy and leave your ex alone.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Anyone who says they just snap right back is lying or is a sociopath.

This is why I chose a woman that I only have so so feelings about. I could care less if she left or not... this is why its important to always choose women who are WAY below your league. Also you should put yourself in a place where you can have an abundance mentality, America is not one of those places.

First of all man, you need to get the fvck over to the Phillipines, Thailand or China/Japan. Get a girl and fvck the sh1t out of her, there will likely be so many women you won't know what to do with yourself, get the hell outta dodge. The only women worth crying over are your mom,grandmother and sister. Move on, forget about that b1tch, buy a psp and some rpg games and get into them, focus on other stuff, most of all do some travelling to asia and get laid ALOT. Just fvck away her memories.

 

[expos]

Well folks – it’s officially over.

I went to a birthday party last night at a bar to meet up with a few old friends and old co-workers. As I was about to leave, an old co-worker pulled me aside to ask what was going on in my life. After a few minutes, she asked me if I was divorced with a confused look on her face. After telling her yes, she said “oh my god, so much I need to tell you.”

I didn’t want to hear it, but I told myself I needed to hear all the details in order to hit rock bottom and put the final dagger in this relationship.

The old co-worker tells me that my ex-wife is seeing one our fellow old co-workers and they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. So a mere two months after my divorce was finalized in November, my ex-wife had already secured a new man in her life by mid-February. Take note that I also worked with my ex-wife (that’s how we met), she clearly found the first available guy in the office to build a relationship with. She apparently loves the company ink.

The girl then began seeing photos of them pop up on Facebook during the past few months (she is Facebook friends with this guy)….and in fact, he did attend her brother’s wedding this past weekend and seems to have already met the family. Unbelievable…after a mere 3-4 months this guy is already involved in family functions. It took me about 6 months before I personally felt comfortable meeting her family. She is clearly on the fast track to another marriage and wants kids right away. It doesn’t even seem to matter with whom.

A few weeks ago, I logged into my LinkedIn account and saw that some random guy from my old job looked at my profile. To be honest, nobody looks at my profile so I found it sort of odd that this guy was checking me out. When I saw this, I naturally became suspicious. When the girl told me IT WAS him, it was a relief of sorts. The guy is a chubby dork. Expos is certainly beating him the looks department.

I must admit, I did go home with a huge lump in my throat, and it felt like I was too hurt to even cry. I ended up talking to a close friend for an hour or so to get me straight.

Later that night, I get an email from my ex-wife saying now that all of our financial stuff has been taken care of, she wishes not to hear from me anymore and states that I “should not reply to this email”. The tone of the email was *****y, like a principal scolding a second-grader. What a piece of work. Also, she says that I’m not allowed to see the dog and that the dog will be fine without me. I didn't write back – but I want to – and give her short sentence beat down and split.

It was restless night of sleep. So now…there is some closure. I no longer will fight the feelings for my wife. I can now trash them and officially start my life over. This morning I went through my closest and dug up our engagement/wedding photos, my engagement ring, and a few other items of hers that I kept. They are now sitting by my door and ready for the dumpster.

I am so glad I never revealed to her how much I wanted her back into my life. What a fool I’d look like after she just got back attending a destination wedding with this guy, and me trying to convince her to that we should be together. How pathetic would that look? This is how you keep it together folks, sometimes you’ve got to fight those AFC urges and hide until the pain subsides so you don’t make a fool out of yourself.

So yes, I’m completely disgusted by her ability to move on so quickly and become attached. Knowing about my wife slipping away is a painful realization, but this certainly just confirms how fvcked up my ex-wife really is. The pain of what a undiagnosed BPD does AFTER marriage seems to be far worse than what they did during marriage.

So best of luck to her and the new guy…he’s going to need all the luck he can get if he decides to wife her up, have kids with her, when she gets fat, and when she starts devaluing him.

Although it pains me to say it, I dodged a bullet, but came away with some very deep scars and some serious lessons learned.

 

[Aristippus]

Alvafe said that you like the idea of marriage for life and I'd agree with him. You like the idea of marriage for life, you got attached to the idea, your ex is even tied up with this idea in your head, but is it the real her or the fake her that you fell in love with in the beginning? Is it the real her or the idealized image of her that exists only in your mind? I tend to believe it is a counterfeit, idealized version of her that only exists in your mind. That is what you're attached to.

Given her history of behavior, would you really want to spend the rest of your life, from now until the day you die, with her? Really stop and think about it. From now until you reach 80 or 90-something, WITH HER. Maybe you felt that with the death of your relationship, your ideals of marriage for life died too. You can keep your ideals and if you want to be happy, you can choose to live out those ideals with the right woman. Don't mourn over something that only existed in your mind. The right woman is waiting out there for you. The more time and energy you waste on this one, the longer it will be before you find the right one. When you do, it will be completely different and you'll know you made the right choice.

 

[expos]

I believe your ex-wife was lining things up with that guy a few months before you guys split. That is what mine did, and how their "relationship" advanced so fast - how many months have they been together? Now add 3-4 months for the real number.

I think it was after our divorce was finalized to be honest. I will give her some credit there. We lived with each other up until two weeks before our divorce was official. She was really fat around this time, and I observed her behavior pretty close during this time period and she was always home at 5pm and never did anything in the evenings. The dramatic weight loss probably coincided with her seeing the guy...so maybe December at the earliest. Whatever, doesn't matter anymore.

When it crashes - you should be prepared for some texts, emails and calls from her. Because by then, IF she feels she has made a mistake, she will be sniffing around. The more you accommodate her at this point, in ANY way shape or form, the more opportunity you give her to hurt you. She will gain your trust, then burn you for personal gain, like she just did with the financial documents.

Very much doubtful. She's not a recycler like some BPDs, she really devalues and moves on fast. This has always been her nature: next, next, next when things don't suit her, never looking around and realizing her environment. This new guy won't even know what hit him if it does end. But my guess is that this guy is going to get dragged to the altar.

"Later that night, I get an email from my ex-wife saying now that all of our financial stuff has been taken care of, she wishes not to hear from me anymore and states that I “should not reply to this email”

I want to slam her on the way out. What do I write? I don't give a **** what she feels I should and should not do. Her reign of control is over.

 

[MikeOck]

This should be the news you need to be able to move on. If it is any consolation, she didn't take any time to consider what went wrong with your marriage and she is certain to repeat her sh!tty behavior with the new guy. They might look happy now, but you know the truth about what this poor chump is in for.

I want to slam her on the way out. What do I write? I don't give a **** what she feels I should and should not do. Her reign of control is over.

It might give you a moment of satisfaction to tell her off, but in the long run she will use it as proof that you were an "immature a-hole" (female logic). Also, nothing says you are still hung up on her more than an angry response. Your best bet is to ignore her, FOREVER. Show her that she has absolutely no effect on you.

 

[corrector]

...Still...I can not shake my ex-wife.
..

That divorced girl I had dumped I was talking about. Her ex-husband called her mother and got an update from me while I was with her that she no longer wanted him. This girl was planning to marry me after a mind-blowing summer where we had made-out sessions and went different places around.

She put a profile on a Christian site back in 2009 before her divorce was finalized. This is when I first connected with her. Her ex-husband still had his ring on while her profile was up.

I connected with this girl in Feb 2012. By November, 2012 we had concrete plans of marrying each other this year. Did you know all this time her
ex-husband has been in contact with his mother and wanted her back if she loved him?

This is 3 years. Her ex-husband has no relationship on the horizon nor had he re-married at the time I wrote to him. When I read the letter from her ex-husband I realized that people change and fall out of love with you in a marriage. It's a good thing I ran from that.

It's good to get a second hand experience of a potential marriage crashing since I would 100% have ended up like expos knowing she has a profile up on the internet again or is seeing some other guys while I have a wedding ring still on my finger before the divorce is finalized.

Since this time I stopped complaining as much that I have no-one or feeling bad when I see couples together. There are so many dynamics involved. It was addiction and withdrawal for me too. I relate to all of that. These girls, they drain guys of there energy, time, money and life-force and happily move on to another guy once the relationship is over.

Well, I both know and spoke with her pastor so hopefully I put a few seeds of poison or doubt on her well if she tries to remarry with this same pastor. He may not feel as comfortable with doing that before he met me.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Warning: Yet another philosophical yet practical brain eruption from Atom Smasher:

One lesson to be learned here, guys, is that we men instinctively expect the women we are involved with to possess the same level of integrity, fairness, and overt, honest communication style that we aspire to and expect from other men.

The fact is that women today are virtually bereft of even the tiniest concepts of these principles. 99% of them are emotionally arrested at 12 or 13 years of age, and live in a fantasy world designed to benefit themselves exclusively. The level of degradation of women's character over the past 40 or 50 years is simply stunning both in depth and in universality.

If you don't start correcting them and declaring boundaries, rules and acceptable principles for your relationship right from the start, you are virtually doomed for a lifetime of misery.

What so many of you don't know on a deep, gut level (although you may agree in principle) is that women need and crave a man who will set boundaries and enforce rules. Virtually every girlfriend I've ever had has said, "Atom, I love how you set boundaries for me." This is because by nature they know they need this, even thought their education says otherwise. Nature always trumps education when it gets down to the wire.

One of the first things I do with a new girlfriend is tell her directly that only one of us wears the pants around here, and that person is me. I make it clear, verbally, that I am the leader of this relationship. After the initial shock, they feel an inward delight and feeling of safety welling up from within.

It's just like with a child. If you have a child, know this... they do not want, nor do they need a parent who is a "friend". They crave a parent, one who will correct them and steer them straight. They instinctively have an inner "knowing" about this. The best way to destroy your relationship with your child is to be their "pal" and in so doing display a reluctance to guide and to punish when necessary. They will grow up to hate you for it, treat you disrespectfully and will act out severe behavioral issues.

In like manner women (who today are virtually universally emotionally arrested as 12 year olds) have an inner knowing that they need a man to correct them and punish them when they go astray.

This will rarely be accepted by them unless presented extremely early in the relationship. Once she has tried on YOUR pants it is very difficult for her to ever respect you again on that gut level that she wants to respect you at.

It is now 2013 and women still have an inner knowing that they need correction and discipline. I imagine it must be very hard for those of you who are 30 or under to fully comprehend what I'm saying. It must be nearly impossible for you to imagine that laying down the law will be productive and provide a safety net for your relationship. You need to learn how to convey it with absolute mastery and with assumed authority, at just the right time. This usually happens when you both are waxing philosophical about relationships. I wish I could express how exactly I do it but it has become so natural to me that I'm finding it hard to break it down and formularize it.

Rule #1 in any new relationship: Declare your Kingship. You are the king, the leader, the unshakeable, unmovable shoreline of rocks upon which her ocean of emotions crashes. You are her support. When she knows and understands this, she will absolutely submit to you.

tl:dr - Assume authority and you will establish a healthy pattern for a future relationship. Your authority and kingship must be as real, natural & factual in your own mind as the fact that the sky is blue. That which YOU are convinced of, SHE will be convinced of. Her submission to you is based upon her buying into your reality. A woman was created to submit, and she craves to do so for a man who is worthy of it. Worthiness is simply a function of your own self-evaluation as king of your world. Never forget that women are incredibly weak and require outside forces to define themselves and their reality. Be that reality and that force.

If not done early, expect the drama as described in this thread and thousands of others like it.

 

[corrector]

Every second you spend replying to her, thinking of her, missing her...........ANYTHING..........is a second of your life WASTED, that You will never recoup. She is not worth anymore of your time. Delete all her contact info, and block her from absolutely every avenue of contact.

It is irritating. Let it die.

 

[expos]

I would write to her, "yeah everyone at work told me you're getting fvcked by some chubby guy so i understand why you don't want to talk lol anyways have a nice life i'm sure he'll have as fun a ride as i did!"

Let her know that everyone at work knows she's a slvt. Then block her texts and emails.. let her know her msgs to you are being sent back to her unread if you can. Monsters like this always want to have the last word.

Now usually in cases like this I would just walk away. But in this situation, she knows you are hung up on her that's why she's talking to you like this. I would write something mean to her like what i suggested for two reasons: first, because she told you not to write her back and I would write her just to show her she can't tell me what to do anymore, and (2) this shows her that you don't give a fvck, and also that you have absolutely NO intention of ever speaking to her again. It'll also show you that you're strong because you can talk to her this way without caring about her reaction.

You need to show her that you are happy without her, and that you are grateful she is now gone. Also cement in her subconscious that she is the problem and that all her relationships fail. This is how you will win back your power; because anyone can get laid, but exercising power over crazy women like this is priceless.

Her new relationship will seem like it's perfect. It'll seem amazing, like nothing's wrong. And then, one day.. it might be a few months from now, or a year and a half, or seven years.. you will find out that they had a bad breakup. Or this will happen to them without you knowing about it. But it will happen I guarantee you that.

And then she'll end up alone and all used up, and she'll be too old for anyone to want to put up with her bullshyt anymore.

You, on the other hand, will be thanking god or whoever for getting you out of a relationship with this crazy b*tch, you'll see

Pretty spot on. I did type a response out...judging from her actions (not her words) she definitely wants a reply. But I didn't send it. Meanwhile, I've blocked her on FB, deleted her number, and shredded up her old business cards, she's essentially gone.

I had a good conversation with my dad tonight and we basically tried to predict this woman's future and brought up every reason why I should not be with her and how she is essentially repeating the same cycle with her newest relationship as she did with ours. This time, the seduction is more intense because of her personal timeline. So, this guy is essentially another victim and her ability to move so quickly will ultimately destroy them in the end.

I need to remember:

1. She will get fat again, and devalue whoever her partner is.
2. She is mentally ill and wont change.

In the meantime, I've thought about what I needed to do to get myself back on track. Putting together my personal timeline of sorts that doesn't involve any sort of relationship, just things I want to achieve on my own that will ultimately take my mind away from everything that has happened.

 

[corrector]

This time, the seduction is more intense because of her personal timeline. So, this guy is essentially another victim and her ability to move so quickly will ultimately destroy them in the end.

Most guys do not know how to contact a woman's ex-husband. If this guy contacted you would you agree to go out with him to have coffee or would you have an email correspondence with him if he consulted you for advice about your ex-wife?

Would you be warning him and writing the stuff you are writing here or would you tell him to go ahead with it so you would spite him in such a disaster? Suppose he brought up Bible verses and insisted he was committing adultery and what you thought about that? What would you tell him?

I need to remember:

1. She will get fat again, and devalue whoever her partner is.
2. She is mentally ill and wont change.

If you had a chance to break-up that relationship would you do it? Would you feel happy if he dumped her?

Would you do that because you felt sorry that this guy would be another victim, or would you do it to spite your ex-wife, or would you do it with the hopes if that relationship fails she'll come back to you?

 

[expos]

If this guy contacted you would you agree to go out with him to have coffee or would you have an email correspondence with him if he consulted you for advice about your ex-wife?

Now that you pose that question. Yes, I would talk to the guy. Having an old co-worker tell everything that has been going on behind the scenes was the breaking point for me and I no longer pine for her. I was rather disgusted that she never gave herself any time to heal, and she never bothered to even look outside the office for her next partner. All of my recent hookups are all random people that have nothing to do with proximity. In fact, I sense that I hate her now.

Would you be warning him and writing the stuff you are writing here or would you tell him to go ahead with it so you would spite him in such a disaster? Suppose he brought up Bible verses and insisted he was committing adultery and what you thought about that? What would you tell him?

Depends on the situation and how the relationship developed. If she was technically still married to me and he was having with relationship with her at the time, I would not agree to speak with him. I would let him find out the hard way. In my opinion, going after a married woman is a mark of a low-value individual. I met a girl 3 months out her marriage recently, I backed off initially because I got a lot of red flags from her. I keep her at quite a distance these days, but still maintain low contact to feel her out.

I don't wish bad nor good on the guy. I have seen him person, but do not know him. He's a stranger. But if he asked my opinion, I'll give him my assessment.

If you had a chance to break-up that relationship would you do it? Would you feel happy if he dumped her?

No - I would not go out of my way to break them apart. I don't have time to sabotage other people's lives. Only work on my own and help people I care about. If the relationship ended, I would be quite curious to why it ended, mainly to confirm what I think I know about her.

Would you do that because you felt sorry that this guy would be another victim, or would you do it to spite your ex-wife, or would you do it with the hopes if that relationship fails she'll come back to you?

I can't take her back for a relationship. Not after all that she has done and what I learned recently. I can't waste my time with someone who would likely revert to her old behavior. Based on our recent exchanges, she has learned absolutely nothing since our divorce. I've grown tremendously since our separation, thanks to this site and through grieving.

 

[corrector]

I can't take her back for a relationship. Not after all that she has done and what I learned recently. I can't waste my time with someone who would likely revert to her old behavior. Based on our recent exchanges, she has learned absolutely nothing since our divorce. I've grown tremendously since our separation, thanks to this site and through grieving.

I hope you don't end up like the ex-husband of the girl I dumped last year who was hung-up on her for like 3 years after the divorce. With this new victim she's seeing you may have company down the road on people hung-up for her, lol!

You know how these women are, they are like children that do not grow up because there is always some chump out there that will give into them since there is no shortage of desperate men even willing to marry them. They don't have to learn or grow-up, just leave a trail of broken-hearts and jaded guys in their wake. They are like a hurricane.

This guy at your work-place, he must be really desperate to go for someone like her I guess? I know when I was involved with that girl last year I was desperate and had no options and she was nice with me as things developed over time and it snowballed into something. If I had options there is no way I would have done that! What guy wants to marry a divorced woman anyway if they can marry one who has never been married before?

 

[expos]

This guy at your work-place, he must be really desperate to go for someone like her I guess? I know when I was involved with that girl last year I was desperate and had no options and she was nice with me as things developed over time and it snowballed into something. If I had options there is no way I would have done that! What guy wants to marry a divorced woman anyway if they can marry one who has never been married before?

I know really nothing about him other than he makes nearly double my salary. His a six-figure guy and I'm in the 60K range. He is also a pushy individual, but not good looking. She might be his best option, ever. I am much much better looking, but this has led to some feelings of serious inadequacy on my behalf.

Even though my salary was OK, money was something my ex-wife grew up around her entire life. She's from a resort town. Her family was middle class but she associated with upper class. She wanted nice things and I gave them to her, but she often complained about what her co-worker's husbands made and how much I was underpaid. She works in a company with a lot of wealthy people. All she had to do is look good and seduce a single guy and she was set.

Now, she is what seems like a greener pasture with a richer man. Can you imagine what this feels like?

I know I got rid of a bad woman. But I almost feel like she is being rewarded for her behavior. I'm 100% positive she will marry this guy - she will stop at nothing to keep him. I know what she is capable of doing.

 

[corrector]

I know really nothing about him other than he makes nearly double my salary. His a six-figure guy and I'm in the 60K range. He is also a pushy individual, but not good looking. She might be his best option, ever. I am much much better looking, but this has led to some feelings of serious inadequacy on my behalf.

Just as I thought. Only a desperate soul would go after a divorced woman whose ex-husband is working in the same company.

All she had to do is look good and seduce a single guy and she was set.

A desperate single guy based on your words.

It's interesting that a guy who makes six figures can't find any other options, or better options. It's always the desperate types these women seem to sniff out.

Now, she is what seems like a greener pasture with a richer man. Can you imagine what this feels like?

I know I got rid of a bad woman. But I almost feel like she is being rewarded for her behavior. I'm 100% positive she will marry this guy - she will stop at nothing to keep him. I know what she is capable of doing.

But it is still not the same. You said he's not as physically attractive as you are so she's actually horing herself for his money. You do not know how she'll turn on him once she gets what she wants (i.e. to bury you and to have access to half his wealth if she divorces him)..

It is the same thing with me last year. Another reason I broke up with the divorced girl is because I felt she wasn't really interested in me but she was interested in her agenda to marry me. If I didn't go along with her agenda, or if I married her, she would get what she wants, and the beast starts coming out.

It's the same thing here. She may not be interested in this man, and is just using him to replace you, bury your memory, and once that ring is on her finger and they are officially married, then you'll see how authentic this thing really is.

From what you are telling me, I can say 100% there is no true love there.

 

[dangdang]

Warning: Yet another philosophical yet practical brain eruption from Atom Smasher:

One lesson to be learned here, guys, is that we men instinctively expect the women we are involved with to possess the same level of integrity, fairness, and overt, honest communication style that we aspire to and expect from other men.

The fact is that women today are virtually bereft of even the tiniest concepts of these principles. 99% of them are emotionally arrested at 12 or 13 years of age, and live in a fantasy world designed to benefit themselves exclusively. The level of degradation of women's character over the past 40 or 50 years is simply stunning both in depth and in universality.

If you don't start correcting them and declaring boundaries, rules and acceptable principles for your relationship right from the start, you are virtually doomed for a lifetime of misery.

What so many of you don't know on a deep, gut level (although you may agree in principle) is that women need and crave a man who will set boundaries and enforce rules. Virtually every girlfriend I've ever had has said, "Atom, I love how you set boundaries for me." This is because by nature they know they need this, even thought their education says otherwise. Nature always trumps education when it gets down to the wire.

One of the first things I do with a new girlfriend is tell her directly that only one of us wears the pants around here, and that person is me. I make it clear, verbally, that I am the leader of this relationship. After the initial shock, they feel an inward delight and feeling of safety welling up from within.

It's just like with a child. If you have a child, know this... they do not want, nor do they need a parent who is a "friend". They crave a parent, one who will correct them and steer them straight. They instinctively have an inner "knowing" about this. The best way to destroy your relationship with your child is to be their "pal" and in so doing display a reluctance to guide and to punish when necessary. They will grow up to hate you for it, treat you disrespectfully and will act out severe behavioral issues.

In like manner women (who today are virtually universally emotionally arrested as 12 year olds) have an inner knowing that they need a man to correct them and punish them when they go astray.

This will rarely be accepted by them unless presented extremely early in the relationship. Once she has tried on YOUR pants it is very difficult for her to ever respect you again on that gut level that she wants to respect you at.

It is now 2013 and women still have an inner knowing that they need correction and discipline. I imagine it must be very hard for those of you who are 30 or under to fully comprehend what I'm saying. It must be nearly impossible for you to imagine that laying down the law will be productive and provide a safety net for your relationship. You need to learn how to convey it with absolute mastery and with assumed authority, at just the right time. This usually happens when you both are waxing philosophical about relationships. I wish I could express how exactly I do it but it has become so natural to me that I'm finding it hard to break it down and formularize it.

Rule #1 in any new relationship: Declare your Kingship. You are the king, the leader, the unshakeable, unmovable shoreline of rocks upon which her ocean of emotions crashes. You are her support. When she knows and understands this, she will absolutely submit to you.

tl:dr - Assume authority and you will establish a healthy pattern for a future relationship. Your authority and kingship must be as real, natural & factual in your own mind as the fact that the sky is blue. That which YOU are convinced of, SHE will be convinced of. Her submission to you is based upon her buying into your reality. A woman was created to submit, and she craves to do so for a man who is worthy of it. Worthiness is simply a function of your own self-evaluation as king of your world. Never forget that women are incredibly weak and require outside forces to define themselves and their reality. Be that reality and that force.

If not done early, expect the drama as described in this thread and thousands of others like it.

Wow. I can relate so many experiences of my own that all add up to a lack of... That.

Thank you for taking the time to write that.

 

[zekko]

I I know I got rid of a bad woman. But I almost feel like she is being rewarded for her behavior. I'm 100% positive she will marry this guy - she will stop at nothing to keep him. I know what she is capable of doing.

Dude, you dumped this girl, you wanted rid of her. Why should you care who she sees or what she does with him? If she meets someone, why should she have to check with you to see if you think the appropriate amount of time has gone by or not? She can do what she wants. You're the one who divorced her.

 

[Weaver]

When and if she contacts you, I feel you have two choices:

Choice #1:
Do not reply. Delete and move on.

Choice #2 - Reply with two words. "FVCK YOU"

I believe in justice, so I believe in punishment. The misguided notion that letting evildoers get away with evil is somehow morally superior will bring about the destruction of this beautiful planet. Revenge will not cause you to sink down to the aggressor's level, and should be attempted whenever it's practical to do so. However, in this case, I'd go with choice #1, not in order to "take the higher road" or any such nonsense, but because you should not give her anything with which to frame you as "abusive." Abusers are often good at that--google "DARVO." You should especially not send her hateful messages after she told you not to contact her again, even if she's the one who then initiates contact. Do not let her cause you trouble with your employer, your Internet service provider, or the police.

 

[Kailex]

This has to be one of the most insightful threads I've ever read here. Bravo to everyone who chimed in.

Expos, let me tell you brother, it doesn't matter who she is with... it doesn't matter if you feel that she is being "rewarded" for her behavior.

In the end, the only one being rewarded is YOU. That's right. Think about everything she put YOU through. She's going to do it to him. Everything you experienced after the honeymoon, he gets to go through in a few months/years. You already know how she's going to react, why would you even miss that or consider comparing yourself to the man who now inherits that case file of a woman?

Didn't she say something like "The universe will fall into place" or something similar to it?

Well, you finding out everything that you found out was the universe at work and letting you know, "Expos, it's time to move on."

BTW, stop trying to bang women to find a suitable "replacement" for that nutcase. That's why you are being disappointed. You are comparing them. Once you realize that it's about getting your rocks off and not looking for a potential marriage partner this quickly after a divorce, you'll start to recover. For some people it takes time and it isn't about being "beta" or whatnot. Not everyone can shake it off, but brother, let me tell you... that's what these forums are for. And trust me, they are a lot less expensive than any therapist and will definitely harbor many truths.

Good luck on your journey. The time to TRULY heal begins now.

 

[corrector]

Dude, you dumped this girl, you wanted rid of her. Why should you care who she sees or what she does with him? If she meets someone, why should she have to check with you to see if you think the appropriate amount of time has gone by or not? She can do what she wants. You're the one who divorced her.

It's like you get a phantom limb or phantom relationship after the fact. So, if she meets someone new then it feels like she's cheating on you, even though it is officially over. If she's moved on six months later and you heard that through the grapevine, and she still occupies your thought life, then it feels like she just broke-up with you rather than the other way around even if you dumped her and went NC for six months and and she got hurt by it when it happened. So it is one of those weird things...I guess it depends on how each individual is wired. Some people are introspective and like dwelling on things, others just don't care and move on.

So, even if someone divorces or breaks-up with a girl. Just like images that burn into a screen of a cathode ray tube or plasma screen, those images remain even if the TV is off and you have this ghost relationship or remnant that may hunt after the fact. This is something I'm beginning to learn.

In this case, it's possible that the OP and his ex are both wired differently so there is a power differential. She's able to not care and move on (i.e. because her love is shallow), while the OP is introspective and dwelling on her (more deeper love). If both people are wired the same then I guess they would come back together eventually, except if there was a strong reason for the break-up. Otherwise one person has always moved on in life or got someone else while the other person is introspective and hanging on to things and simply has a phantom limb. Or, hopefully, both mutually do not care and have moved on and everyone's happy.

in my case, I have a phantom limb/relationship with an ex I broke up with 7 months ago and went NC. I went strict NC, no emails, texts, phone calls, no visual contact, no social network, nothing. Even that didn't help even though I initiated the break-up and dump. It's gotten to a point that seven months later when her pastor confirmed she had moved on that it felt like she just broke-up with me when in reality I went NC on her and emailed her a break-up latter seven months ago. So it's really weird and probably has to do with wiring more than anything else.

However, as the reason I broke-up with her is strong enough I don't think this bothers me since I wouldn't really go back to her anyway even if she did want me back because the whole thing goes against my core values and even if I were to replay my life I would still break-up with her when I did because I had accepted the consequences of that decision at the time I did that and proceeded anyway. It's grossly unfair to forget about one's spiritual and emotional state at the time you divorce or break-up with someone and go into some idealized phantom relationship mode, but as it has to do with wiring, there is not much that can be done unless the wiring is changed. Just bad wiring would be the answer to the question here.