My best friend is flirting with my girlfriend and she subtly reciprocates

BackInTheGame78

Moderator
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
14,500
Reaction score
15,603
You're not establishing and maintaining proper boundaries with your friends or your women. Toxic people usually need to be kicked to the curb permanently. If they aren't respecting your boundaries then they probably never will and trust is most likely destroyed permanently. Sad but true and chalk it up to the game. You can teach people skills but you can't teach them to not be a ****.
If you have to have a boundary with a friend then I would just defriend them. They know what is right and wrong, what is respectable and not.

Either they respect you enough and value your friendship enough not to do that or they don't.

No amount of talking will change that, they will just make sure to be more subtle and do it behind your back...same as a woman would do when you try and set a boundary.

Stop wasting your time with people who don't respect you and focus on the ones who set their own boundaries because they have their own standards to uphold and don't need you to tell them what those are.
 

buddhafukko

Don Juan
Joined
May 23, 2017
Messages
84
Reaction score
73
Age
49
The fact that your girlfriend didn't defend you when he first started insulting you is another red flag. Obviously the phony ahole should be cut off instantly. Futhermore, your relationship with the girl is probably damaged enough to make it not worth attempting to salvage. It's not entirely her fault, you being a spineless simp by continuing to let the ******* around her lowered her respect for you. Trying to fix something you ****ed up is never as good as starting over and not ****ing up.
 
Last edited:

soulforge

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 1, 2013
Messages
6,189
Reaction score
4,933
You're girl should always FEAR you.. Not in the sense that you will beat her azz, but more in the sense that, the consequences of disrespecting you, or bad behaviour will be severe, which might result in getting her DUMPED.

This is the only way to keep chicks in line.
 

BackInTheGame78

Moderator
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
14,500
Reaction score
15,603
You're girl should always FEAR you.. Not in the sense that you will beat her azz, but more in the sense that, the consequences of disrespecting you, or bad behaviour will be severe, which might result in getting her DUMPED.

This is the only way to keep chicks in line.
Women don't fear what they don't respect.
 

AmsterdamAssassin

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 4, 2023
Messages
6,444
Reaction score
5,527
You're girl should always FEAR you.. Not in the sense that you will beat her azz, but more in the sense that, the consequences of disrespecting you, or bad behaviour will be severe, which might result in getting her DUMPED.
In other words, she should fear losing you.
 

EyeOnThePrize

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
1,151
Reaction score
1,884
Age
34
@vato
You're already providing your girl with lots of validation if you're bringing it up to her and having discussions about it. By acknowledging something you give it power in your world, and this situation is trivial. You knew the answer as you were writing the first post.

I'd dare her to leave or cheat with actions rather than words, it would only save me precious time and energy if she did. Give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself. The more disrespectful things she does and says, the more she's demoted and the more I start socializing with new friends. A healthy woman that wants you will bring up the emotional distance she's feeling, ask questions, and seek to find a solution with you. Most importantly she'll always be sweet with you. The toxic will complain or do nothing or sabotage. If you're ever in a similar situation simply remove yourself. There are plenty of women that will follow you out the door without a moment's hesitation.
 

soulforge

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 1, 2013
Messages
6,189
Reaction score
4,933
@vato
You're already providing your girl with lots of validation if you're bringing it up to her and having discussions about it. By acknowledging something you give it power in your world, and this situation is trivial. You knew the answer as you were writing the first post.

I'd dare her to leave or cheat with actions rather than words, it would only save me precious time and energy if she did. Give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself. The more disrespectful things she does and says, the more she's demoted and the more I start socializing with new friends. A healthy woman that wants you will bring up the emotional distance she's feeling, ask questions, and seek to find a solution with you. Most importantly she'll always be sweet with you. The toxic will complain or do nothing or sabotage. If you're ever in a similar situation simply remove yourself. There are plenty of women that will follow you out the door without a moment's hesitation.
Excellent summary
 

LTG71

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 12, 2022
Messages
545
Reaction score
737
He has two newborn kids with her and I don’t want to be a home wrecker. I would ask her otherwise and I don’t want to involve her into this mess




I wouldn’t resort to violence anyway. No woman is worth jail time or broken hands.


He did me two favors though: showed me what she tried to hide, imagine if I fell for her pressure and ended up marrying her? Dodged a bullet. And second, I can get rid of this snake ass friend
Your gut already knew the answer before you made the post. Neither one of these people show any respect for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have already smashed. Just dump them both and move on. No use in calling them out either because they are not going to change their behavior. They did you a favor by showing their true selves. Also, do not resort to violence. No use in getting yourself a criminal record over two pieces of sh!t.
 

vato

Don Juan
Joined
Oct 24, 2008
Messages
79
Reaction score
39
This is my plan.

Feel like **** for the first couple of weeks and allow myself to feel the pain. Cry if I have to, self-pity if I must. Will watch some “letting go” videos from Julien so I can process the break-up instead of using other outlets to escape my thoughts. I’ll also write down the mistakes I made during this relationship and how I can avoid them in the future.

But after those two weeks I’ll stop with all the b*tchass-ness and get back to work: I’ll start with taking boxing seriously again, back to the gym. Start making music again.

Focus on reading, traveling, socializing and getting sh*t done. Build up my Instagram profile to make it easier get ho*s. Tinder will be downloaded again.

Most importantly, I will start cold approaching and doing day game. 3 approaches daily and 10 during the weekends. I’ve missed this so much so it’s back 2 business.

This sh*t won’t be easy, there will be days where I want to break NC, but if I stick to NC and to my plan then know I’ll come out stronger in a couple of months. I’ll keep you guys updated on how things are going. At the moment I feel f*cked!
 

holidayad_

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Dec 29, 2022
Messages
234
Reaction score
214
Age
25
This is my plan.

Feel like **** for the first couple of weeks and allow myself to feel the pain. Cry if I have to, self-pity if I must. Will watch some “letting go” videos from Julien so I can process the break-up instead of using other outlets to escape my thoughts. I’ll also write down the mistakes I made during this relationship and how I can avoid them in the future.

But after those two weeks I’ll stop with all the b*tchass-ness and get back to work: I’ll start with taking boxing seriously again, back to the gym. Start making music again.

Focus on reading, traveling, socializing and getting sh*t done. Build up my Instagram profile to make it easier get ho*s. Tinder will be downloaded again.

Most importantly, I will start cold approaching and doing day game. 3 approaches daily and 10 during the weekends. I’ve missed this so much so it’s back 2 business.

This sh*t won’t be easy, there will be days where I want to break NC, but if I stick to NC and to my plan then know I’ll come out stronger in a couple of months. I’ll keep you guys updated on how things are going. At the moment I feel f*cked!
keep strong, dude.
 

Fruitbat

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 3, 2013
Messages
3,419
Reaction score
2,461
Talked to my girl and she's denying that she's flirted with my friend and that "she was just talking about tightning the table". But when you playfully hit each other laugh and giggle then it's flirting at that point. I told her I'll talk to my friend and confront him and she said "don't let your friends action dictate what I'm doing". But I told her that her response is her responsibility. Anyway, I also told her I have to reconsider our relationship and I have to think about where to go from this point on and she said that if I dump her because of this then it's my problem not her and I will have to live with it afterwards of letting her go.
In light of your decision to dump, I re read this and you’re right for doing it OP. She’s a cvnt.

play stupid games win stupid prizes. It’s why I kicked a friend to the curb for the very same issue.

it’s for their own benefit. Thankfully my wife did not reciprocate but the dude is extremely attractive. If anything did happen the dude would be going to hospital and me to jail. Nobody wants that.

25 years of friendship I had with this guy, 25 years he threw away. I had his back multiple times. And he chose for a little ego flex at my expense. He just doesn’t get it. Any old girl it’s fine, we are all competing. Wife’s - long term GF, hit the road pal.

It’s the worst thing you can do as a man. I have a friend whose wife has dumped him and I’m really close to the wife. I never would on principle - even if I was single. There are tons of others out there.

why do they do it? Simple. It’s power. Power over you, they get off on it.

the thing is with your “friend” and mine and your ex GF. This is the bit you saw. 99% sure there 80% of shyt you never knew anything about
 

soulforge

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 1, 2013
Messages
6,189
Reaction score
4,933
In light of your decision to dump, I re read this and you’re right for doing it OP. She’s a cvnt.

play stupid games win stupid prizes. It’s why I kicked a friend to the curb for the very same issue.

it’s for their own benefit. Thankfully my wife did not reciprocate but the dude is extremely attractive. If anything did happen the dude would be going to hospital and me to jail. Nobody wants that.

25 years of friendship I had with this guy, 25 years he threw away. I had his back multiple times. And he chose for a little ego flex at my expense. He just doesn’t get it. Any old girl it’s fine, we are all competing. Wife’s - long term GF, hit the road pal.

It’s the worst thing you can do as a man. I have a friend whose wife has dumped him and I’m really close to the wife. I never would on principle - even if I was single. There are tons of others out there.

why do they do it? Simple. It’s power. Power over you, they get off on it.

the thing is with your “friend” and mine and your ex GF. This is the bit you saw. 99% sure there 80% of shyt you never knew anything about
Thing is she dumped OP not the other way around.
 

zekko

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 6, 2009
Messages
16,038
Reaction score
8,870
Most importantly, I will start cold approaching and doing day game. 3 approaches daily and 10 during the weekends. I’ve missed this so much so it’s back 2 business.
Yeah, you're going to have to do something like this. Women recover easier because they tend to fall into dates and relationships easily, because men will come to them. As a male, you have to go out and take what you want, you have to make things happen.
 

Barrister

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
2,488
Reaction score
4,235
Age
38
Total 100% disrespect dude.

Never be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life & your mate is definitely not your mate, he is a snake.

At this point and don't see how your girlfriend can be trusted either.

Might be an idea to cut them both out.
OP - this post by soulforge at the beginning of this entire thread is 100% spot on. Not only is your "friend" a POS that should immediately be cut out of your life and discarded into the rubbish pile, you also need to set down some very clear boundaries with your girlfriend now and if she gives any resistance to that, she gets the boot out of your life as well (I think an argument could be made to just boot her now without any further chances, but I am not clear on what has been said to her in the past).

This guy has absolutely zero loyalty to you. And it is clear if he thought he could get away with fvcking your GF he would do it without a moment's hesitation.

EDIT: Now that I am reading on looks like you gave her the boot already. Definitely not a bad decision either.
 

Divorced w 3

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 20, 2022
Messages
2,519
Reaction score
1,431
C'mon now. You did nothing few month go but you advice other men to get a criminal record AT BEST over some unholy woman that would be gone either way..

Better advice is to simply leave them both.

Dont advice other men to use violence against people for the sake of a woman.
Let’s get a couple of things straight here, the first of which is that I am finally getting around to you; i see you, you’re one of my biggest fans on this board next to the former catsmeow, who I had to declaw about six months ago, and she was a lot hotter than you are.

Anyway, back to the point here. This situation is not apples to apples but I am going to elaborate on my lessons from the situation for OP as well as following up with a situation not long after related to my own best friend and then close it out with how things are now.

I was her plus one at a wedding 100 miles upstate, I was five years older than her, the wedding party, and the couple, my girl is very attractive and my mere being there with a childless woman given my lot in life and position made me an object of high SMV, so it was my position to lose and make no mistake I did lose it out of purely being rusty. Secondly, I was still
In divorce litigation, everything was under a microscope, and my kids were mine to lose. She never cheated on me and before the night ended I did the right thing and stayed in my room and did not go down to the after party and she stayed there too, despite the crying and protesting. So at the end of the day I handled my business. What went wrong there for me? One, a month prior I got absolutely blasted on a solo run in midtown manhattan on a Saturday morning by like 10am, I think by 5pm and a 15 mile walk later I was 15 drinks in. I was going in hard on my girlfriend on some stuff that was building up under my skin, it was totally uncalled for and should have been handled totally differently. I suspect part of her actions at the wedding were a natural response to that, we were off our balance and the only person I could control is myself, and in doing that I lost the high ground. I lost more ground by getting hammered at that wedding. I lost even more ground on my birthday a couple months later when I got wasted and threw like 8 bouncers around at the bar on my birthday in front of her bc my other boy was being put in a chokehold and I threw all sense, caution and responsibility as a single dad out the window. I almost got arrested. Since then, I noticed that pattern and I reeled it in. Since then, she is here almost all the time, it’s a massive pain in the ass for her including relating to her professional issues beginning to suffer and she powers through it anyway on account of seeing me. My frame is rock solid. Take it or leave it. Secondly, on that issue with the bouncers, our other friend was the most sober of the three of us and gave my girl his number so that she could let him know that we got back safely (bc I am an idiot and I drove home). I texted him that night we made it back and then the next day, called my friend, and this is my oldest closest friend, and I asked him what that was about, and he explained why, and I said you can ask me directly next time, explained in no mistaken terms that I can and will handle my business with my girl directly and honestly my buddy who is never at a loss for words was found with very few words. Last night as a matter of fact we all got together and there was no doubt who my girl was there with. In other words, Op can and should tell same to this guy and OP should do it directly in this guys doorstep bc he will feel fantastic doing it.

I will tell you how that wedding would play out for me moving forward if it ever happened again, but the pretenses would obviously be different as I would not have drunkenly gone in on her, and i would not have been hammered at the wedding. First of all I would probably realize what was going on, realize I did nothing wrong and then accept what was going on. If it was absolutely eggrgious I would not take photos with her, dance with her etc I would actually start befriending other groups and slowly I would just look to enjoy myself and if I started flirting with another woman so be it. If it was absolutely egregious I would let her pass out, pack my crap and I would bounce that evening. If the guy had come to my door knocking like he did at 12 midnight I would open the door this time and put him up against the wall in the hallway by his throat and make him regret coming by, you can’t do that in mid wedding but you can absolutely do that after.
Take it or leave it, I live and I learn.
 

bat soup

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
4,263
Reaction score
4,762
Age
44
Hi,

I've been close friends with one of my best friends for over 20 years. Two years ago, I introduced my girlfriend to him and his girlfriend. This marked the first time I officially introduced a girl to anyone, as I generally keep my life private. However, I liked her and thought it was time to involve her with my friends.

During a dinner at his place, my friend started making disrespectful jokes about me, questioning her choice, and continued throughout the day. “you could chose anyone and you chose HIM?! Are you blind?”, “I’m just curious, wtf did you see in him?” This pattern of disrespectful behavior persisted during subsequent visits, with him bringing me down at every opportunity.

After three meetings with her, he told me that if I broke up with her, he and his girlfriend would still maintain contact with her, even though I hadn't mentioned breaking up. This, combined with flirty comments and actions between him and my girlfriend, raised concerns. Comments like “I’m the only one who flirts in this room” while looking at her, and her reaction being getting shy and starting to play with her hair.

Fast forward two years, and during a recent visit to his place, he made her cook while they’re laughing and giggling while cooking together. When the food was done my friend asked her to tighten the table leg (you have to rotate the leg), he then asked her in a flirty tone “is it tight?” And she responded “I would say it is tight”, - all this was done with a flirty undertone. When I expressed my feelings to my girlfriend, she denied any issue.

She is not innocent, she has subtly reciprocated his advances by flirting back by not shutting it down by being cold and dismissive of his attempts.

I feel betrayed by both my friend and my girlfriend. He acts flirtatiously only with her, and she hasn't shut down his advances.

I need advice on what to do. Should I cut them both from my life?

I should also mention he has a girlfriend.
I'd immediately chop this guy out of my life and I'd start looking for this girls replacement.
 
Top