Marriage

[Bungo Pony]

This is one hell of a topic, and I've been mentally battling with this issue for a while now.

As many of you may know, I'm in a LTR with an incredible woman and things are progressing quite nicely.

Topics have come up about what we'd like in the future. We've discussed how each of us would handle children, when each of us would like to have them, etc. however nothing of the nature of us having kids together (yet). I've been finding myself stopping short of saying "our kids". When you feel an incredible connection with someone, it's only natural.

She's been giving subtle hints that she sees me as a potential husband. Here's one example.

She's told me how she'd like the wedding party to dress, and since she's into sewing, she would make the outfits. The other day we were having a discussion about kids, and immediately after the discussion, she showed me some of her designs.

There are many reasons why I haven't popped the question yet. For one thing, I'm standing ground on not proposing to anybody unless I've been with them for at least a year.

I've been really debating the "when" issue in my mind for a while. Maybe I shouldn't be spending so much time trying to figure out where a marriage is going to fit in my plans for the future. Any thoughts on this?

 

[uniassign]

How long have you guys been together?

Not to burst your bubble, but some people think that they have this incredible connection, but they have only been together for a short amount of time.

I say a good rule of thumb is around 3 years. that way you get to see how she treats her family, her friends and most importantly, you over an EXTENDED period of time.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Uniassign - those are the reasons why I'm not jumping into this one like I did my previous one. Thank you for bringing up those points.

I'm don't completely agree with 3 years though. If I can't make a decision within 2 years, I would just be wasting my time.

As for the amount of time we've been together, all I'm going to disclose is it's been under a year (but not far from the 6 month point).

I've made a huge mistake in this area previously, and I definately want to take more caution before I run into the same mess I was in for 4 years.

 

[Luscious]

Think about this next statement:

MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE.

Come on now, do you want to get married when you haven't been through 1/4 of your life?

You still have plenty of productive, FUN, time left. If she wants to get married now, SHE'S the fool rushing in, not you.

Let it hang for a long time, I'm talking 1-5 years here. See if you can tolerate her for an extended period of time before even THINKIN about marriage. Put up with her for 5 years before you think of putting up with her for 45 years.

Pop the question after you're absolutely sure that you've played the field sufficiently and there is no other woman who can even measure up to this one in your eyes. If you can truthfully and honestly say that this woman is YOUR ideal woman, superior to all others...more power to you.

However, I'd hold off. I've seen marriages last for 1, 3, 4 months.

Marriage is a committment. BE ABSOLUTELY SURE. It doesn't sound like you are.

 

[uniassign]

I understand.

IMHO I think anything under a year is too short. But then I am not in your shoes, so I cannot decide for you, as well as I don't know what you look for in a girl, how often you guys fight (and how long those lasts), what you find annoying about her (and what she finds annoying about you).

Also I don't think that an extra year is a waste. In my view, there is no rush because if you are in it for the long haul, I don't see any harm in waiting, say, a year (when you guys are going to be together for 50 or 60 years)?

It is not like you are going to be separated from her during the deciding period. You are still going to be with her, hanging out with her. All she is really missing is a ceremony and a ring to make it "official". That's just my view.

 

[Bungo Pony]

I'm not absolutely sure, but she's got potential. I refuse to marry someone I haven't known for an extended period of time.

The thing is, I would love to actually have a family. I would like to raise children, I think it would be an interesting experience. However, I don't plan on doing it with a woman that I don't love, or know very well. I also don't want to be a crippled old fvck trying to raise children.

I've stated this in another thread: if this relationship doesn't work out, I'm going to work on SS.

 

[uniassign]

BP,

DUDE YOU ARE ONLY 25!!!!

I am the same age as you. i understand that sometimes you want to start a family, but that's some hard work dude.

I have friends that have kids around our age, they are regretting the decision. I say enjoy yourself, f&*k a few HOT chicks before settling down.

 

[jakethasnake]

unassign, that is some mighty poor advice.

You're letting your own goals of bagging pretty younggirls cloud your analysis of Bungo Pony's situation. He deserves better advice than that, no offense.

 

[uniassign]

Originally posted by jakethasnake
unassign, that is some mighty poor advice.

You're letting your own goals of bagging pretty younggirls cloud your analysis of Bungo Pony's situation. He deserves better advice than that, no offense.

No offense taken, just here to clarify ...

What I am saying is that at the age of 25, how many chicks would BP have had been in a LTR with? LTR in the sense of over 2 years? 1? maybe 2 or 3? We are discounting the ones in high school (unless the continue until college days).

With this relatively little experience in LTRs, how could a person possible know that he wants to spend at LEAST 20 years in a marriage with KIDS? What would he have to benchmark his present LTR with? How would he know the definition of "compatible" to "non compatible"?

The "what if" factor is ever present in people who got married young. I know because I have slept with a few chicks who married when they were young. I don't want BP to feel the same when, 10 years down the track, he is tempted by some young hottie.

Because if he has had his share of mucking around, he KNOWS what it was like to sleep with young HOT chicks, he KNOWS that he had made a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to marry his wife to GIVE UP the young hotties. He married her, not because that's all that he can GET, but he LOVES her SO MUCH that he gave it all up.

 

[leoncour]

Originally posted by uniassign


Because if he has had his share of mucking around, he KNOWS what it was like to sleep with young HOT chicks, he KNOWS that he had made a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to marry his wife to GIVE UP the young hotties. He married her, not because that's all that he can GET, but he LOVES her SO MUCH that he gave it all up.

So what are you suggesting....that he give up a perfectly good thing?

I was wondering if you have ever fallen in love? I think there is nothing wrong with it as long both people respect each other.

And also, as far as sex goes, he will be getting far more than you. Those in an exclusive relationship/marriage have far more sex than single people.

 

[uniassign]

So what are you suggesting....that he give up a perfectly good thing?

No, I am saying that he should consider very carefully, since he is still in the honey moon stages of his relationship.

I was wondering if you have ever fallen in love? I think there is nothing wrong with it as long both people respect each other.

yes I have.

also, as far as sex goes, he will be getting far more than you.

HAHAHA. I doubt that .


Those in an exclusive relationship/marriage have far more sex than single people.

That's a myth.

I don't see why I am debating this with you. I am offering my VIEW on this to BP, whether I am right or not, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day BP is the one making the decision. I am merely offering him some things to CONSIDER.

I don't see you contributing.

 

[semag]

uniassign, not to pick you out or leoncour, cause you both have valid points, there was just one thing that you said that I need a little clarification on.

With this relatively little experience in LTRs, how could a person possible know that he wants to spend at LEAST 20 years in a marriage with KIDS? What would he have to benchmark his present LTR with? How would he know the definition of "compatible" to "non compatible"?

I don't think many people have chances to have more than maybe 2 or 3 LTR's of that length, IF even over 1, espescially most of the people that seem to frequent the site, although that's a generality and I don't want to make that.

I know that with my parents, (I'm 19 btw) they "dated" for 7 years, which was from when they were 19 to 26. I know my mom had maybe 1 more relationship that could fit your definition of LTR before that, and I don't think my dad ever did, and they've been married for almost 30 years now. I believe in knowing/dating a person for quite a while before a marriage committment, but I don't think you're ever gonna have an ability to make a comparison between your current relationship and an extensive amount of other experience. I'd appreciate your thoughts....

 

[CLOONEY]

Bungo, I agree, about a year should be long enough to scope if you are right for someone. That is if you spend A LOT of time together!! You should know her almost perfectly by then!!

As far getting married, you should have your sh*t together before you step into anything involving kids. You and the wifey should have both your sh*t together. And you should be financially stable. Getting married and having kids is a BIG thing, just think long and hard about it before you do it!! It is all too often I see these things going wrong.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Originally posted by Bungo Pony
This is one hell of a topic, and I've been mentally battling with this issue for a while now.

As many of you may know, I'm in a LTR with an incredible woman and things are progressing quite nicely.

You know what, I'm truly happy for you as I'm always glad to hear of brethren in a happy relationship.

Topics have come up about what we'd like in the future. We've discussed how each of us would handle children, when each of us would like to have them, etc. however nothing of the nature of us having kids together (yet). I've been finding myself stopping short of saying "our kids". When you feel an incredible connection with someone, it's only natural.

Yes it is only natural. But lets get this straight, when you talk about kids and weddings with a woman you're in a committed relationship and you're over 23, the 'our' is implied.

She's been giving subtle hints that she sees me as a potential husband. Here's one example.

No sooner had I finished saying it then you back it up...

She's told me how she'd like the wedding party to dress, and since she's into sewing, she would make the outfits. The other day we were having a discussion about kids, and immediately after the discussion, she showed me some of her designs.

Oh, the irony. Or was that her attempt at subtlety? Yeah, I'm guessing its the latter as well.

There are many reasons why I haven't popped the question yet. For one thing, I'm standing ground on not proposing to anybody unless I've been with them for at least a year.

I've been really debating the "when" issue in my mind for a while. Maybe I shouldn't be spending so much time trying to figure out where a marriage is going to fit in my plans for the future. Any thoughts on this?

I commend you on your foresight with the one year rule. Basically what this boils down to is where do you want to go? Are you wanting to settle down and have kids now? Are you ready to merge your life with that of another? If you've come to that important point in every man's lie where we decides to cash in his chips from the dating game, I send all my best wishes and warmest regards to you and yours, and I know all the other DJs here will gladly do the same. But allow me to play devil's advocate a little bit, and keep a few things in mind when deciding if you want to take the plunge...

Women tend to place more emphasis on the wedding than the actual marriage. From the time they are old enough to think, their thoughts are of that glorious day, that female right of passage, That complete validation of her life as a women, where all eyes are on her, witnessing her moment of triumph. First, you need to make sure she's in it for the marriage, not the wedding.

Second, if you are at the point in your life where you want kids, then you need to make sure that she's the woman you want to have those kids. This is not just a choice you make for you, but a choice to make for your future kids. Don't do it for kids, do it for THE kids. This also applies to her. Many women can become woozy with inner joy when thinking of their future children. Some women even jump into a relationship

Thirdly, there are a lot of other really bad reasons people choose to get married. Lonliness, comfort, laziness, societal/family pressures, and then my personal favorite TAXES! Oh, and lets not forget infatuation; that wonderful high from the drug called love. I've seen a lot of guys delude themselves into sealing themselves into a dream world, and then later a cage, of their own devising. In the heat of the moment, even if you can see some some of the imperfections, it is often blurred by the angelic glow which seems to radiate form her. Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration if not an abberations, but you get the point...

Lastly, you need to decide what else you want to accomplish during your lifetime, and then figure out how such a union will help you, or hinder you in acheiving your goals. I don't know her. I don't know you. I don't know where you're going in life, and I don't know if she'd make a good partner on this life's journey of yours. Only you can decide. But this is not something to jump into. You came up with the one year rule for a reason. If it has served you well in the past, then I see no reason to discard it now.

You've got a lot of considerations, but you probably know everything I just mentioned and more, so I apologize for the lecture. I know that sometimes it just takes a little reminder to keep your mind on what's important. Best of luck to you in life, and especially love. Keep us posted on where you decide to go with this.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[semag]

Wow.... that was inspiring.

 

[assasin]

Personally, I reckon it takes 5-7 years to get to know each other properly.

I think that's why they talk about the 7 year itch.

[hr]

Assasin. Blissfully approaching his 7th year with his girl!

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Originally posted by assasin
Personally, I reckon it takes 5-7 years to get to know each other properly.

I think that's why they talk about the 7 year itch.

[hr]

Assasin. Blissfully approaching his 7th year with his girl!

God, tell me you're married...

 

[GynecologyEnthusiast]

As one of the elder statesmen of the board (early 30s), I urge you to listen to uniassign's advice.

Marriage is a prison. I mean seriously...what's the upside?

What do you get in a marriage that you don't already have?

I recommend this article to set you straight...

http://www.fredoneverything.net/MoonPie.shtml

 

[Bungo Pony]

Re: Re: Marriage

I must say, the input I've gotten on this subject is really interesting!

Originally posted by CyranoDeBergerac
Yes it is only natural. But lets get this straight, when you talk about kids and weddings with a woman you're in a committed relationship and you're over 23, the 'our' is implied.

Very interesting point.

I commend you on your foresight with the one year rule. Basically what this boils down to is where do you want to go? Are you wanting to settle down and have kids now? Are you ready to merge your life with that of another? If you've come to that important point in every man's lie where we decides to cash in his chips from the dating game, I send all my best wishes and warmest regards to you and yours, and I know all the other DJs here will gladly do the same

One thing that I've realized from the whole dating experience is that a damn good woman is hard to find. I've found women who I think might be decent for a LTR, then something happens - either they flake out, or they do something stupid to make me change my mind about them. In this relationship, which has lasted longer than any of the STRs I've been in, I haven't run into either. This is why I even bother thinking about the long haul.

Women tend to place more emphasis on the wedding than the actual marriage. From the time they are old enough to think, their thoughts are of that glorious day, that female right of passage, That complete validation of her life as a women, where all eyes are on her, witnessing her moment of triumph. First, you need to make sure she's in it for the marriage, not the wedding.

This is also another point that you bring up. In my view, the wedding is just a minor step into something much larger.

Second, if you are at the point in your life where you want kids, then you need to make sure that she's the woman you want to have those kids. This is not just a choice you make for you, but a choice to make for your future kids. Don't do it for kids, do it for THE kids. This also applies to her. Many women can become woozy with inner joy when thinking of their future children. Some women even jump into a relationship

I've been thinking about this one for a very long time. I would love to have kids, however I DO NOT want to have any with a woman I do not love.

Thirdly, there are a lot of other really bad reasons people choose to get married. Lonliness, comfort, laziness, societal/family pressures, and then my personal favorite TAXES! Oh, and lets not forget infatuation; that wonderful high from the drug called love. I've seen a lot of guys delude themselves into sealing themselves into a dream world, and then later a cage, of their own devising. In the heat of the moment, even if you can see some some of the imperfections, it is often blurred by the angelic glow which seems to radiate form her. Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration if not an abberations, but you get the point...

The thing about me is I've been in the position where the imperfections have been blurred from the glow with my ex. I now look back on my mistake and think of how foolish I was to not realize the way she was treating me.

Lastly, you need to decide what else you want to accomplish during your lifetime, and then figure out how such a union will help you, or hinder you in acheiving your goals.

This is the one I've been thinking about for the past bit. However, I seem to reach a fork in the road, and I don't know which way to go. That's probably what triggered me to post this.

I know damn well that there is a lot more to experience with this woman before I actually decide to take that major step. Still, I find nothing wrong with trying to look into the future, trying to see how this woman would affect my life, and if it would be positive or negative. I still have a lot to discover about her, which is probably why I've reached that fork in the road.

Thank you all for your input!

 

[RKTek]

You should be with someone for 4 seasons before even THINKING of marriage. In other words, one year.

The 4 seasons thing came from soldiers stationed overseas for a few months, or who only saw their girls in the summer months. It can also be a good rule of thumb for students who spend fall/spring semester together but then are apart for the summer. The change of seasons brings changes of moods and unless you've really seen a woman in all four seasons, you don't know her.

If you can be with her with no red flags continuously for 12 months/4 seasons, then you can safely BEGIN to think about marriage.

Most women think about marriage before the first date. That's what they do. And every time you go out, kiss her, show her respect or make her feel sexy, she's adding more to her 'marriage account'.

Well, sorry to step on her neck, but you must if necessary. Your girl may be 'terrific' in other aspects, but she's got an agenda and she seems to be running the show. My guess is you're afraid to touch the brake pedal and the reason you're posting this is because you get the feeling you're being railroaded. There's a little bit of worry that she's not really taking how YOU feel into account here. She's got a 'live' one and her agenda is to get married and settled like Ken and Barbie.

You have the right to say "NO", to change your mind and do what is right for you. Always. What is 'right' for you is automatically 'right' for everyone else too.

If you're afraid to tell her your true feelings of discomfort at her planning and showing you stuff, dude, that is a huge red flag right there.