Knowing too much about Gf's past

[Blues]

Hi guys

I had a conversation with my gf's about our past relationships. We have been exclusive for a few months now. Shes 23yrs old and i'm 31. It was just suppose to be a casual talk about why we broke up with our exes.

One thing led to another and we were talking about our sexual partners. I know its taboo topic.

But she kind of volunteered to much info and it was hard hearing wht i heard.

Found out that she had a couple of flings when she was on an exchange program overseas last year with some foreigners.

Relationship wise she had a 37yr old bf when she was 19yrs old. But she broke it up cos she felt he wasn't giving her the security she wanted. And the second one was with someone in the same university as her.

According to her the flings were just purely physical and that was it. And she said that women need to satisfy their sexual urges as well. And with one of the flings, she only knew for 2weeks and they got physical. And the thing which bothered me was she had a bf back home but she said that the relationship was more or less over for them. I found this hard to swallow. To me that kind of constitutes cheating.

I was like 2 flings in a matter of a couple of months. Thats pretty fast. Her response was she was overseas, it felt like a holiday, emotions where high. So i told her its going to be a cause for worry if the next time shes wants to travel without me. She said that if shes serious about a guy, she wouldnt bother about anything else. Am i to feel comforted with her answer?

I just felt like **** after our convo and i felt a part of me died. Im no saint myself but its just very hard to hear things coming from a girl you have feelings for.

I told her honestly that its not easy for me hearing this and she understands how i feel. But we were all young and foolish once.

I find it even more puzzling cos she always tells me shes a sensible girl and she knows what shes doing.

She also told me that she's from an estranged family. Shes not close to her dad and her parents aren't really talking anymore. My previous ex also came from such a family background and it was a bad expericence. The best gfs i had were from familys that were close knitted and they were on very good terms with their fathers.

Should i try to forget this and move on? Or the red flags are just to glaring to be ignored?

Im pretty torn and confused. Shes good to me. She cooked for family a couple of times. Treats me to meals and gives me lots of affection.

It sucks to be me at this point in time.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Boy oh boy, if someone needs to memorize the Karmic Laws it's you brother.

You can't possibly be upset in any regard for how she used HER body and HER judgement BEFORE she met you? You are already coming down with a case of one-itis. You'll start noticing it by the sweat band around your head and in your palms. Next you'll feel a knaw in your stomach and you'll probably want to puke up some unnecessary "I love you's" and "Please don't leave my side or I'll be beside myself crying into my pillow."

What comes next is the diarrhea. This is the worst. Not the kind that leaks from your ass but what will drip off your lips.

Whoa boy, then come the heart pangs and aching back from lying on it while she tramples you because she's lost any respect or desire for the little b1tch boy who's curled up into a fetal position.

Before you know it she's back overseas taking c0ck from both ends from guys who don't give a fvck about the last guy who came in her mouth.

That would be you.

 

[jonwon]

i told her its going to be a cause for worry if the next time shes wants to travel without me. She said that if shes serious about a guy, she wouldnt bother about anything else. Am i to feel comforted with her answer?

Dam if i was dating you, you would be dumped right there.

Suffocating.

Chill or this relationship will not last!

Listen or not, but wow your one clingy guy it seems.

 

[jophil28]

Hi guys

She also told me that she's from an estranged family. Shes not close to her dad and her parents aren't really talking anymore. My previous ex also came from such a family background and it was a bad expericence. The best gfs i had were from familys that were close knitted and they were on very good terms with their fathers.
.

BINGO !!!
I have said this MANY times.." From my own experience ,women who come from a family with a weak,absent, angry, cheating or drunk/ drugged father are not suitable candidates for an LTR "
These ladies unfortunately have no effective male-female model to work from in their adult relationships. They are sexually impulsive, unfaithful , subject to alcohol or drug abuse and emotionally immature.. THese are the drama queens, the AWs and the BPDs .THey ALWAYS engage in incongruent behavior and are just plain confusing to be with.

 

[jonwon]

BINGO !!!
I have said this MANY times.." From my own experience ,women who come from a family with a weak,absent, angry, cheating or drunk/ drugged father are not suitable candidates for an LTR "
These ladies unfortunately have no effective male-female model to work from in their adult relationships. They are sexually impulsive, unfaithful , subject to alcohol or drug abuse and emotionally immature.. THese are the drama queens, the AWs and the BPDs .THey ALWAYS engage in incongruent behavior and are just plain confusing to be with.

Sorry?

But what has this girl done?

she has had flings with two guys in a matter of months, lets get real here, so what.

the one with the issues is the OP.

Sod this, DUMP her she clearly is not worthy, go find yourself some blow up doll or something.

The OP carries on like this, she will walk has Karma stated, he starts coming out with even more dribble.

The OP needs no encouragment in this situation, he needs to chill the fuc* out, relax and enjoy himself.

as for cheating on the other BF, it happens, granted she may not have any solidarity, but considering most guys are whiney wuss bags, its no wonder girls dont cheat more often.

The Ex Bf may have been a security blanket only.

 

[jophil28]

Sorry?

But what has this girl done?

she has had flings with two guys in a matter of months, lets get real here, so what.

the one with the issues is the OP.

.

I did not say that she has DONE anything dumpworthy. Read my post again.
The OP obviously is disturbed by what she has revealed about her sexual past. He is entitled to his feelings and he is entitled to set his own criteria with regard to a potential LTR's moral code.
He needs to live for ,and pursue, his own standards in a woman NOT your's or Karma's .
What she did with her body previously IS now his emotional business because she gave him that information within a discussion which took place between two people who are "exclusive" ..
IF you guys do not care about your woman's sexual past, then that is your perogative. The OP is not happy with what he heard and that is his perogative. Calling him "clingy" is just a cheap swipe and misses the point entirely.

 

[jonwon]

I did not say that she has DONE anything dumpworthy. Read my post again.
The OP obviously is disturbed by what she has revealed about her sexual past. He is entitled to his feelings and he is entitled to set his own criteria with regard to a potential LTR's moral code.
He needs to live for ,and pursue, his own standards in a woman NOT your's or Karma's .
What she did with her body previously IS now his emotional business because she gave him that information within a discussion which took place between two people who are "exclusive" ..
IF you guys do not care about your woman's sexual past, then that is your perogative. The OP is not happy with what he heard and that is his perogative. Calling him "clingy" is just a cheap swipe and misses the point entirely.

His comments are classic wuss type replies, yes he is clingy.

If its an issue he should dump her not make idle threats like some baby chucking his dummy about.

this is the point, you clearly missed it.

Advocating this behaviour, this women WILL WALK i guarantee 100% if he carrys on like this, he is walking a dangerous path.

If it is an issue for him, he walks, he does not make idle ***** whipped threats that are weak.

I can see this girls interest level dipping, if he carries on like this.

He knows nothing about the last BF, he knows nothing about the situation, but in that he still 'states' some wuss as* reply how is is afraid about her going on holiday now, jesus, dont encourage the guy.

If this was a girl i was dating (and came out with the stuff he has come out with), she would be out of the door, god knows what cra* she would come out with everytime i wanted to go out on a night out.

suffocating, needy, clingy reply.

If he was that effected he would dump her, which to me would be a stupid mistake also bred from fear.

He needs to chill the fuc* out and judge her on her actions towards him, who cares for the last BF, she probably dumped in along time ago, but did not have the balls to fully end it, it happens.

This is not going well at all, this will be over if he carries on, i feel though the guy will only be encouraged by posts like yours and read what he wants.

in that Kiss goodbye, she will WALK i put £100 quid on it, as soon as she gets sick and tired of the whiney ass wuss stuff coming out of his mouth, which will only get worse.

Only an AW would stick around for the drama that is coming out of this, if she likes the guy, her interest is dipping, soon it is going to go so low she will be suc*ing on some other guys coc* behind his back anyway.

He is going the right way about encouraging her to cheat.

He needs to change his attitude, because all he is doing is going to dwindle the respect she has for him and soon she will be suc8ing some one elses coc*, whislt he sits at home shaking in his boots, every time she goes out without him.

I will put a time stamp of anout 2-4months on this, if it even last that long.

I am hovering, to the OP being a security blanket, or she really actually likes him, but he is having classic case of foot in mouth, which needs to stop now, or dump her.

And from reading Karma's post he usually is right on the nail, i just added to it.

 

[Rudra]

Going with Jophil here, absolutely.

Chicks with absent or weakling fathers = emotionally troubled and unstable chicks.

This holds true in EVERY such case I have ever met. Cruel but true. Steer clear of chicks with absent/ abnormal fathers. Chicks from divorces are f*d in the head. Life is cruel.

And when it comes to this beotch... JEEZ, she had two different guys, so fumigate her cYnt, clean it with a flamethrower, then put her in a barrel of desinfectant for a month... boyo do you have issues...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi # 2
NEVER, under pain of death, honestly or dishonsetly reveal the number of women you've slept with or explain any detail of your sexual experiences with them to a current lover.

The single most disastrous AFC move a man can make is to OVERTLY describe past sexual experiences and/or give a number (accurate or not) to how many women he's been with prior to the one he's with. This simple act ALWAYS comes off as pretensiousness and is often the catalyst for an avalanche of emotional resentment, if not outright emotional blackmail from an insecure woman. This is a rookie mistake that will only take you once to learn.

If a woman puts you on the spot by directly asking you for this information always sidestep this COVERTLY. C&F works wonders in this situation and still keeps the air of mystery and challenge about you.

Her: "So how many girls have you been with?"
You: "You're my first actually"
Her: "Really, how many girls have you been with?"
You:" You mean tonight?"
Her: "C'mon, how many girls have you been with?"
You: "You know, I really lost count after 50" (or something outrageous).

When a woman asks you this question she is seeking confirmation of what she already suspects - NEVER give her this satisfaction. When a woman resorts to OVERT communication (COVERT being her native language) she's generally exhausted her patience to be COVERT and this is a desperation tactic for an insecure woman.

Just so you know, you're in the position of the girl who asks this sh!t.

I just felt like **** after our convo and i felt a part of me died. Im no saint myself but its just very hard to hear things coming from a girl you have feelings for.

I told her honestly that its not easy for me hearing this and she understands how i feel. But we were all young and foolish once.

It sucks to be me at this point in time.

Waaagh! My GF had a sex life before me,..Waaghh!,..she's 23 and she banged a couple of guys overseas,..Waaghh!,..she actually enjoyed it,..Waagh!,..

BLUES, go back and re-read your own words. You sound like a petulant, whiney, insecure, adolescent girl. She had sex with other guys, So. ƒucking. What? Get over it, she's 23, and don't think for a second you're going to be her last either. All I had to do was read what I quoted you here on to know you are a high order AFC. You want to own her, you want to think she only ever had real desire for you; you can't and she didn't. STOP thinking in terms of exclusivity, this is AFC thinking. I know damn well Mrs. Tomassi, my wife of 11 years, knocked it out with her share of other guys in her 20s before we met and she knows I did the same. We've always been mature about that and have accepted that without fear or insecurity - this is one of the reasons our marriage IS so strong, because we know people are going to be people, and people like to ƒuck.

Get over your self-righteous self, what's really bugging you is the desire dynamic. What's scratching away at you is the doubt that she's as into you, as hot and horny for you, as she was these other guys in the past. Want to know the answer? She's not. Because if she was she wouldn't consider you as a long term prospect. Short term, flashpoint, chemical-reaction sex, like the type she described to you on her trip, is spontaneous attraction. It's hot, sweaty and brief; rare is the LTR that develops from it (not that it doesn't happen). You know exactly why you're insecure. Because you're 31, an AFC and your idealization is to turn her into a housewife at 23, while knowing all the time that girls between the ages of 18 and 27 are in their party years. It's a wonderful fantasy to believe she'd want to exclusively give you all that pent up lust unconditionally, but you know that she'll move on eventually. Stop thinking in terms of exclusivity, particularly with a girl of 23. Spin more plates and learn to enjoy the now.

 

[Rudra]

Very true.

You: "You know, I really lost count after 50" (or something outrageous).

Hm.. would "50 and above" in your culture be regarded as huge exaggeration and as being outrageous...??

50 would be about average for a sexually active 30-35 y.o. guy here here, maybe 10-15 above average, but definitely not outrageous or hugely exaggerated.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

ANDREW DICE CLAY: Hey, is that your chick there?

GUY IN THE AUDIENCE: Yeah!

DICE: Damn she's pretty hot!

GUY: Yeah,..

DICE: You been together a while?

GUY: 2 years

DICE: Nice. She faithful to you?

GUY: Oh yeah.

DICE: She good in bed?

GUY: *nods head enthusiastically*

DICE: She suck a good d!ck?

GUY: (laughing) Oooh yeah,..

DICE: I suppose the next question would be, "How do you suppose she got that way?"

 

[jonwon]

Very true.



Hm.. would "50 and above" in your culture be regarded as huge exageration and as outrageous...??

50 would be about average for a 30-35 y.o. guy here here, maybe slightly above average, but definitely not outrageous or hugely exaggerated.

the good thing about these forums no one needs to know your identity.

Women usually well virtually all think most men only score about 10-15 girls in there life even if there usually pritty dam hot.

Telling a women how many you have been with leads to many complications even if it is 1 or 100+, this i know also from experiance.

Either way it will be used against you at some point i found.

best to keep them guessing, women do the same to us, out of all the girls i have ever been with i have never believed one of them to tell me the truth, if they did i would be shocked.

I would state women probably sleep with 3x that of the average guy, easily.
In there life time.

there is an idea about that a small % of men get to sleep with all the girls, where as a high % of girls have loads of sexual experiances, well this says that the 5% of guys are clearly fuc*ing the 100% of women, the other 95% are totally and utterly kept in the dark, i also believe that theory especcially when i go out with an average joe who gawps at any interaction you may have with any women and think your an alien from outerspace.

 

[MacAvoy]

RT - are your Iron Rule's in one post somewhere?

Blues - your Chasing Amy, classic movie by Kevin Smith all about the exact situation your in. Theres no way out. Hence the Iron Rule by RT.

 

[Rudra]

Anonymous polls say the average is 4-5 sexual partners in Western Europe. No, not per year, but per whole life.

I don´t think the numbers are very off, even taking into account that men multiply their sexual partners (even anonymously, I bet) and women never will say - more than 6-7...

Pretty sad number to me.

 

[MacAvoy]

You: "You know, I really lost count after 50" (or something outrageous).

Thats why I always use Wilt Chamberlain as my example, then I say I'm getting close to his record. 50 isn't nearly outrageous enough and is actually lower than my real number.

 

[Fisherman]

Her: "So how many girls have you been with?"
You: "You're my first actually"
Her: "Really, how many girls have you been with?"
You:" You mean tonight?"
Her: "C'mon, how many girls have you been with?"
You: "You know, I really lost count after 50" (or something outrageous).

You: "You know, I really lost count after 2"

She might actually believe you if you say "lost count after 50"

 

[Latinoman]

She made those “mistakes” not that long ago. We are not talking about a 40 year old woman that lived an exemplary life (by your standards) for literally all her life and only made a couple of “mistakes” when she was 19 (over 20 years ago). We are talking about a person that made the mistakes and find some sort of justification for those mistakes. Now, maybe in her eyes those are not mistakes (and that’s fine as we cannot impose our values on people)…but in YOUR eyes (which are the eyes that matter) it is an issue.

I have been with quite a number of women that have cheated in their husbands/boyfriends/fiancés with ME. All have one thing in common: they have done it before or have little regard for their past sexual life. I will add more, if a woman engage in very disgusting behavior (group sex or several one-night-stands)…you can rest assure that it is a matter of time she will do it again (not saying your girl is in this category) when things do not go her way, maybe not the group sex...but perhaps a notch or two below (such as cheating with one other person).

Past life of a woman is VERY important. Here is a rule of thumb: Always assume that a woman would go a slight notch below the worst thing she has done before when it comes to sexual issues. For instance, if she cheated on a boyfriend with some man she met in Italy while on vacation…well…the notch below that would be cheating on boyfriend with a co-worker or her personal trainer (a person she knows).

Listen, some women (NOT all of them) can make some stupid mistakes when they are teenagers and very young. That’s fine. No one is perfect. But…I rather go with the “Not all of them” that remains out there (unless the stupid mistake was similar to the one your girlfriend made when she was a teenager and happened MANY years ago).

The issue here is how she is justifying her behavior. And more importantly, how disgusted you feel about this. Never compromise your values for anyone here or in your real life.

 

[jonwon]

She made those “mistakes” not that long ago. We are not talking about a 40 year old woman that lived an exemplary life (by your standards) for literally all her life and only made a couple of “mistakes” when she was 19 (over 20 years ago). We are talking about a person that made the mistakes and find some sort of justification for those mistakes. Now, maybe in her eyes those are not mistakes (and that’s fine as we cannot impose our values on people)…but in YOUR eyes (which are the eyes that matter) it is an issue.

I have been with quite a number of women that have cheated in their husbands/boyfriends/fiancés with ME. All have one thing in common: they have done it before or have little regard for their past sexual life. I will add more, if a woman engage in very disgusting behavior (group sex or several one-night-stands)…you can rest assure that it is a matter of time she will do it again (not saying your girl is in this category) when things do not go her way.

Past life of a woman is VERY important. Here is a rule of thumb: Always assume that a woman would go a slight notch below the worst thing she has done before when it comes to sexual issues. For instance, if she cheated on a boyfriend with some man she met in Italy while on vacation…well…the notch below that would be cheating on boyfriend with a co-worker or her personal trainer (a person she knows).

Listen, some women (NOT all of them) can make some stupid mistakes when they are teenagers and very young. That’s fine. No one is perfect. But…I rather go with the “Not all of them” that remains out there (unless the stupid mistake was similar to the one your girlfriend made when she was a teenager and happened MANY years ago).

The issue here is how she is justifying her behavior. And more importantly, how disgusted you feel about this. Never compromise your values for anyone here or in your real life.

this are good points, but the last thing a man should do is get all wussy ass on her to encourage her if she has this sort of past.

It is firmly my belief if you are dating a women who 'could' cheat, then you have to tighten your game.

The OP is only making this easier for her if she does choose to cheat again.

Yes the rule once a cheater always a cheater, but i used to be the most faithful smuck going when i first started dating over the course of time, certain relationships have really tested my patience and instead of walking away i choose to cheat, sometimes cheaters are simply people who dont have the balls to hurt the one there with i.e clingy needy guys, they will just fuc* around until they are past all the 'trying to control cra*'

I find attention whor*s love to mess guys up in this fashion and drift to needy clingy guys like moths to a flame has they provide all the attention they could ever want in the forms of jelousy, controlling emotions, to make them feel all warm inside has they keep pushing those buttons of insecurity.

It is one thing talking about B-Pid girls but in all fairness the guy is the one who stuck around for it.

the girl so far in my book has done nothing wrong, until she starts showing, or he posts things that effect him when he entered the relationship things may be different but he is obsessing about things in her past, there could be many issues.

If this was me it would be an indication of getting my shi* tight so if she does stray she will regret it for the rest of her life, not throw my dummy about.

Or dump her, which i feel is a poor move at this stage, which imagine from your post you probably would.

The choice is simple:

He either stops actiing like a whiney baby and accepts her past and does not use it to become some needy brat.

Or he finished her and dates a nun! who could possibly cheat anyway when he acts like a needy brat, when she states she has another man in her life.

 

[Middleagedbadboy]

Pure and simple, want a girlfriend? Run! Want some sex? Just hit it and quit it!

 

[MR_PERFECT]

I remember having this problem when I was younger. It made me sick to think a girlfriend of mine could be with another man and enjoy it. After I became comfortable with the idea women I'm dating having a past, I realized the problem would still come up because a piece of information would come out that made me see the woman I was seeing differently.

The only way I was able to get around this question was ask all the questions up front, from the beginning. She had a ONS, no problem. Almost had a 3-some, and had sex with 2 guys in 1 day, I can handle that, it was explained. Another woman, whatever. It wasn't the behavior that bothers me now, it's trust. This woman has to be honest enough to tell me now, what would make me leave her later.

The only thing I can't handle now, is if a guy did something with her that I couldn't do. I have to be #1 in all areas or my ego will blow the relationship. I'm on the verge of losing one now.