Jayer said:
Izza thanks for your response. From everyone's valid criticism I can certainly take something and yours actually makes perfect sense. That is what I feel I am lacking and why I get a lot of flakes after meeting up with these girls. I'm just not fun man.... end of story....
I have gotten more confident and I do tend to resort to DHV at times which really hasn't gotten me much even though that's what the board preaches. I know the opposite end of the spectrum AFC is no good either.... but I think you are so right. If a girl has fun with you she will be into you...
How can I become more of a person girls find as "fun" to be with?
You're welcome Jayer. You know what, I like you - you seem like a cool guy, especially when you drop some the techniques and so forth. But no worries, those were working on me too.
I don't even know what DHV is. I'll bet it's demonstration of higher value. That's funny, I usually try to demonstrate lower value and then get the ladies to view what they previously thought as "lower value" as friggin amazing. That's a lot of fun - good marketing.
Anyway, this question of how to be more fun has come up a lot in my life. I'm a fun person but also I've been known to be pretty shy and conventional. All right, well, I'll tell you what I did. And this might not appeal to you right away, but I think you'll like it and want to use it naturally in the long run. Please don't get me wrong. I am really not where I'd like to be with women. I have discovered that meeting women is easy, however, and I'm pretty good at that and building attraction and so forth.
When I started I had a boot camp mentality. I said, I will practice this until I get it. The problem with that was, I approached even when my heart wasn't in it. Jayer, that mentality is really destructive - it destroys you're fun. You're saying, whether or not I'm having fun, I'm going to approach.
Well, NATURALLY, if fun isn't your primary concern with women, you're not going to have much fun, and therefore you're not going to be much fun.
So, 1.) you have to make a pact with yourself. No more forcing yourself to approach. No. Stop it like the plague. Approach women when it's either easy, or actually fun.
This has a lot of implications. It means if you are bored in a conversation, don't sit there and "practice." Become fun by following fun. Follow fun and politely leave the conversation. It's that simple.
If a date is boring and you don't want to kiss her, just don't.
Jayer, you are never going to be fun unless you start following what you WANT.
So I took this mentality. And it meant that I didn't approach anyone for months. Honestly, months. And I left beautiful women hanging in conversations. And I didn't kiss women on dates.
It felt like I was never going to succeed. At this moment, if you actually have the supports you NEED to be successful with women - friends, family, a good life, you will charge yourself and your confidence quite naturally. If you don't, WHY are you chasing women? Buy a decent masturbation toy instead.
So finally, after months, something weird happened. I would be reading the paper, and next thing I knew I was talking to some chick. Half an hour later, I would sort of wake up and be like holy sh!t, I'm talking to a hot babe from the bus. How did this happen?
Then the conversation lagged, and like a good soldier, I just dropped it if I couldn't think of any way to have fun in the conversation. I canceled dates I wasn't excited about. I got phone numbers and tore them to shreds. In fact, I did that the other day and I'm kind of regretting it now lol.
Random conversations just happened more and more. Suddenly I was talking to all sorts of strangers from all walks of life - elevators, shops, stores, on the phone. Not to practice AT ALL. Something came to my head, and I just said it. Simple.
I'm not saying that I'm where I'd like to be with approaching. That cold approach from across the bus still seems a little cold to me - I still suspect that I'm not a lot of fun. Still, I meet all sorts of people all over the place. It's really fun.
Also, one thing I'm learning right now is that women can't make you feel fun if you don't already know it. That has to come from your friends and family. You can try to figure it out with women, but I find that's too hard.
So following my heart in general has led me to having way more fun. Following my heart has also led me into making mistakes and lashing out at people. But I've also connected with humanity so much more.
A final tip for having fun: think of fun as an emotion. It is a feeling. Think of it as the color yellow. How are you supposed to be fun in public and express fun to other people if you don't express other emotions - anger, embarrassment, shame. If you don't show blue and red and even black? You can't show fun if all your other emotions are behind a veil. When I felt I wasn't fun, I couldn't talk in a calm and direct way about the rest of my darker emotions.
Let me know if you have any questions about my experience. I feel like I can't quite guess what sorts of experiences you're looking for from my life. This is really cool for me to have experiences to share. I'm not sure what I would have had three years ago.
Oh that's a final thing - take yourself off the clock. We all grow at our own pace. You "shouldn't" approach women until it's fun or easy or both. And if that takes you 40 years, THAT'S FINE. Besides, it won't. I see already that you have a lot of bonhomie and other skills that ladies already love. But you have to commit yourself to fun or else you're just going to make your life miserable, I think.
In short, I can't tell you what's fun. You have to keep asking yourself, over and over, in every situation, "what do I want to do?" And I don't mean that in the selfish way. Sometimes what we want to do is give, and giving is fun. Caring is a lot of fun. Sometimes being selfish is really fun. So think about it. As you well know, nobody can teach you this. There is no technique for fun. I'm having fun feeling like I know something - and believe me I know so little - I'm having fun writing. That's why I'm here.
Izza
