I’m in deep

BackInTheGame78

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We spoke last night, similar tone, just that it’s ’nothing in the world we can’t overcome’ and some thoughts on her end about how to communicate better, including knowing ‘harder/teigger’ topics to be a little extra sensitive around. I do appreciate the effort. She tried to lay it on hard about my not being with her friends at new years, but I need to sit here and think and put stuff on paper and figure out a lot of things in my life, this being one.

I told her that I had honestly not a lot of time to think, today is the chance to do it with my kids going back, and that being here has given me the opportunity to focus on being with the kids and I really enjoy and miss it. This is the longest stretch I have had them in two years and it’s wonderful. They’re in a tub now and I’m blasting Disney tunes on my phone.

The distance is not making me any colder or anything like that, I actually feel relieved with the professional year starting on Tuesday I want a plan in place before then. I started this two weeks ago and I was incredibly cathartic. I opened like 300 pieces of mail and built out a spreadsheet over two days of financial info, cash flow and expectations of where the income can go. I want to build on that as it’ll give me perspective from which to really see everything I need to decide on.

I’ve also been eating gummies like crazy the last 3 nights, so that’s been great lol. Watched Chasing Amy (red bank Nj!!) Been a while.

she texted this morning : morning, I love you, have a great day with the kids. I wrote her back ‘I love you too have fun ‘
It's good you are taking a step back to give things some thought. Whatever way you decide to go, I want the best for you, truly, whether or not you stay with her.

One thing I've noticed you have mentioned in several posts is your cashflow/income from the business in relation to her.

Is there a reason this plays any part in your decision with her? Just curious more than anything.

But a few questions to ponder.

Do you think this woman would stay with you if your business dried up and crashed and you had to struggle for a period of time?

Has she shown signs she is "only there for the good times" and will be gone like a ghost in the night when tough times come?

What about a serious medical condition for you or someone in your family? Would she stay and stick it out or be gone faster than you could bat an eyelash?

The answer to these questions are very important. It's not easy to find people who would stay under those circumstances. It's far easier for a person to walk away.
 
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member162951

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We spoke last night, similar tone, she goes ‘ that it’s ’nothing in the world we can’t overcome’ and some thoughts on her end about how to communicate better, including knowing ‘harder/teigger’ topics to be a little extra sensitive around. I do appreciate the effort. She tried to lay it on hard about my not being with her and starting the year at new years, but I need to sit here and think and put stuff on paper and figure out a lot of things in my life, this being one. She is going with her brother anyway. She’ll survive.

I told her that I had honestly not a lot of time to think, today is the chance to do it with my kids going back, and that being here has given me the opportunity to focus on being with the kids and I really enjoy and miss it. This is the longest stretch I have had them in two years and it’s wonderful. They’re in a tub now and I’m blasting Disney tunes on my phone.

The distance is not making me any colder or anything like that, I actually feel relieved
with the professional year starting on Tuesday I want a plan in place before then. I started this two weeks ago and I was incredibly cathartic. I opened like 300 pieces of mail and built out a spreadsheet over two days of financial info, cash flow and expectations of where the income can go. I want to build on that as it’ll give me perspective from which to really see everything I need to decide on.

I’ve also been eating gummies like crazy the last 3 nights, so that’s been great lol. Watched Chasing Amy (red bank Nj!!) Been a while.
Not sure if others have noticed and I may be completely off, but ever since you decided to 'take your moment' to sort stuff out and you've essentially been without her, your postings seem more upbeat, your overall energy and enthusiasm for life has increased, you appear to have more clarity and well, you just seem happier! See the parts I bolded as examples of what I'm referring to.

Take from that what you will and again just my sense from reading your posts before this "break" and after.

Hope everyone stays safe tonight and all the best in 2024!
 
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Divorced w 3

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It's good you are taking a step back to give things some thought. Whatever way you decide to go, I want the best for you, truly, whether or not you stay with her.

One thing I've noticed you have mentioned in several posts is your cashflow/income from the business in relation to her.

Is there a reason this plays any part in your decision with her? Just curious more than anything.

But a few questions to ponder.

Do you think this woman would stay with you if your business dried up and crashed and you had to struggle for a period of time?

Has she shown signs she is "only there for the good times" and will be gone like a ghost in the night when tough times come?


What about a serious medical condition for you or someone in your family? Would she stay and stick it out or be gone faster than you could bat an eyelash?

The answer to these questions are very important. It's not easy to find people who would stay under those circumstances. It's far easier for a person to walk away.
I had an opportunity to let action dictate an answer to your first two questions as well as one you didn’t ask, which pertains to orbiter contact. There is something about realizing that you’re putting 30k into anything that motivates you to get real clear feedback. I have been laying the seeds for this for months. I have been pulling back a lot on the spending, seeing if I could smoke this out. I basically sat around all week with her here, lived on Costco with the kids in the apartment. Last night totally unsolicited ont he call she told me that living like that was absolutely perfect and she could handle that.

She called me around lunch and she was laying it on hard again about tonight. Her and her brothers social friends were having a party at their Manhattan duplex. She told me on Thursday that she would skip this if I wanted her to come out.

So I’m like look to be honest with you, I am disappointed in myself, I have a lot of things I need to be thinking about, for my family, never having seriously looked at our new reality I need to sit down and do this. I told her that I opened 300 pieces of mail two weeks ago, that I put a lot down on paper that in 18 months, and that I never really gave a lot of things the attention they deserved. I need to continue to do that and if I go tonight I will get nothing done tomorrow. I said, if you want to come out you’re welcome to come, but this is what I need to do today and tomorrow. So the call kind of ends there, no commitment on her end.

One of her’communication triggers’ using her idea was reassurance. So I throw that out on the table and text her in five minutes ‘like I was saying, you’re welcome to come out if you want to.’ Crickets for an hour. She calls and asks if there is any negotiation about leaving early and I was like honestly I just can’t. Yes I physically can but not if I want to knock this out which I do. So we end there again.

She calls me about 20 minutes later and tells me she’s looking up train times. Offers to help in any way that she can. Being together matters more than anything else.

But to answer your financial question, yes i got banged up in litigation My former father in law reached out to me early and was like, would you rather do this the easy way or the hard way, and what do you think my answer was.

I Hate to be so Machiavellian but in carrying a multiple 6-figure lifestyle overhead, all of that going out the door before I see a dime, yes today I had to capitalize on the chance to play ‘to catch a gold digger.’ it put itself out there.It was a simple binary decision that was going to continue or end our relationship. I was at peace with the alternative.

I have to give it to her. She earned it. This gets us to day two in a potentially new way of operating. Talk is cheap. I felt pretty good last night, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I am happy she is coming.

Plus now with the text setting unlocked (remember her idea?) let’s see who wishes the both of us happy new year. I have a feeling it’ll be a quiet night though on that front.
 
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Divorced w 3

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Isn’t it interesting how she shapes up when she senses you might actually walk away?

This thread should be in consideration to be moved to the Hall of Excellence
Bro, all I will say to that is that I went in there with the calm confidence of a man with his mind that made peace with fate. Cash rules everything around me
 
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BackInTheGame78

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Isn’t it interesting how she shapes up when she senses you might actually walk away?

This thread should be in consideration to be moved to the Hall of Excellence
A man can only play that card once in a relationship to get any sort of reset that will matter. After that it has minimal effect.

Hopefully OP used it to his advantage to the fullest.
 

Divorced w 3

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A man can only play that card once in a relationship to get any sort of reset that will matter. After that it has minimal effect.

Hopefully OP used it to his advantage to the fullest.
Yup I don’t recommend ever getting to this point and this is a play that works exactly one time.
 

natureminded

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It's good you are taking a step back to give things some thought. Whatever way you decide to go, I want the best for you, truly, whether or not you stay with her.

One thing I've noticed you have mentioned in several posts is your cashflow/income from the business in relation to her.

Is there a reason this plays any part in your decision with her? Just curious more than anything.

But a few questions to ponder.

Do you think this woman would stay with you if your business dried up and crashed and you had to struggle for a period of time?

Has she shown signs she is "only there for the good times" and will be gone like a ghost in the night when tough times come?

What about a serious medical condition for you or someone in your family? Would she stay and stick it out or be gone faster than you could bat an eyelash?

The answer to these questions are very important. It's not easy to find people who would stay under those circumstances. It's far easier for a person to walk away.
I want to print this out and keep this with me. And assess every potential match under these conditions. This is well articulated. Fair weather b!tches are a dime a dozen unfortunately.
 

Barrister

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OP,

Reading between the lines, this is not a good situation for you. Her suddenly telling you what you want to hear is classic Narcissistic behavior. These women are generally masters at "push/pull" dynamics and she is playing you like a fiddle.

I really hope I am wrong because you seem like a good dude from reading your posts. But I fear I am not. But as we often say, experience while the best teacher, is often the harshest. Good luck, brother.
 

Gamisch

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We spoke last night, similar tone, she goes ‘ that it’s ’nothing in the world we can’t overcome’ and some thoughts on her end about how to communicate better, including knowing ‘harder/teigger’ topics to be a little extra sensitive around. I do appreciate the effort. She tried to lay it on hard about my not being with her and starting the year at new years, but I need to sit here and think and put stuff on paper and figure out a lot of things in my life, this being one. She is going with her brother anyway. She’ll survive.

I told her that I had honestly not a lot of time to think, today is the chance to do it with my kids going back, and that being here has given me the opportunity to focus on being with the kids and I really enjoy and miss it. This is the longest stretch I have had them in two years and it’s wonderful. They’re in a tub now and I’m blasting Disney tunes on my phone.

The distance is not making me any colder or anything like that, I actually feel relieved with the professional year starting on Tuesday I want a plan in place before then. I started this two weeks ago and I was incredibly cathartic. I opened like 300 pieces of mail and built out a spreadsheet over two days of financial info, cash flow and expectations of where the income can go. I want to build on that as it’ll give me perspective from which to really see everything I need to decide on.

I’ve also been eating gummies like crazy the last 3 nights, so that’s been great lol. Watched Chasing Amy (red bank Nj!!) Been a while.

she texted this morning : morning, I love you, have a great day with the kids. I wrote her back ‘I love you too have fun ‘
Even though they know EXACTLY what to say: Da Streetz are calling them constantly.

Op, you can definitely continue with her...BUT if SHTF OWN it like a champ...are you even ABLE to pull this off??

I geuss giving the choice between a 5 year dryspell, or a 5 year ltr INCLUDING a divorce war,drama ,getting cheated on and losing yoyr assests and yourself ..most men will still ALWAYS pick the latter..heck, some men would voluntarily get a std if hypothetically given the option..post nut clearity only hits once the object is conquered..

It always, ALWAYS comes down to how much are you willing to walk away. If she could ve been replaced in a heartbeat ,she would've been. So the main issue is that you feel you are " lucky " to be with her..

The issue most of us dudes (like 95,%) have is we are SCARED to DEATH to be alone...

And ironically enough that will always be your reference point: loneliness, or "being solitary ".

(I also hate the thought of being this" well balanced but dry AF dude whose happily single gardening while playing his coldplay and John Lennon shyte ) all the while my brain was thought that a REAL man controls his women..yet i SLOWLY start to understand that..sigh...i should DEFINITELY love myself more before demanding love from others ,especially bad bytches..)
 
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FMCSMT

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You are divorced with 3 kids. So am I. I came here in 2017. I studied Rollo and Mystery. If you don’t know who those people are than I would give them both a look.

I don’t understand why you care. You have 3 kids. They are priority number one. Women are for periodic pleasure only because they offer little to nothing else.

The kids have a mom, yes? Are you wanting to blend this woman into your family? Don’t.

She asked you to be exclusive. That is not a trophy. Your response should have been “why would I want that?”

30k is nothing, you’re setting yourself up for 10x the loss in the coming future.

You are overracting and attempting to regulate promiscuity. Have you ever tried to drown a shark? You think she’s going to understand your point of view and adjust her behavior accordingly? Would the shark?

You have heartbreak ahead, no doubt. You’ve been feeling it already, I’m sure.

Those kids don’t deserve to see their dad feel that way and I’m sure you’ve thought of that as well.

She will sleep with other men. Accept that fact.

You lost frame. Cutting her is going into your phone and deleting her contact and blocking her number. If she reaches out through other channels, that means it’s your turn again. But remember, it’s just your turn.

5.5 hours of talking only tells me that you have a lot to learn.

Lesson 1: You ONLY communicate about when and where you are meeting next and THAT IS IT.

Lesson 2: You never answer a question. You can respond with questions but you never answer her questions.

Lesson 3: You DGAF. You have 3 kids, why would you care about a relationship? Instagram? Her touching another man’s back at a wedding? You have to not care and if it bothers you so much, delete one letter of her name in your contacts every time she makes a mistake until she’s deleted.

My opinion is you should be sleeping with 3 different women per month and no woman ever should know you have kids. Period.

You will likely disagree with a lot of what I said.

However, my kids will love me forever and appreciate what I’ve done for them.

Will yours?

That’s what matters.
 

ThisIsSparta

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I have to give it to her. She earned it. This gets us to day two in a potentially new way of operating. Talk is cheap. I felt pretty good last night, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I am happy she is coming.
I dont see anything she earned. What did she do for you that is not in her own best interest?

Reducing her social media presence means nothing. It just means you will have a harder time tracking down what she does behind your back (which could be a lot given the time she gets to spend for her personal leisure).

My interpretation is that you are talking yourself into being happy("in love") with a cute woman that puts out pvssy and tells you what you want to hear, while in fact she is draining your time and energy about issues that should not be there in the first place. You think that she has been an aid in difficult times while she did nothing except getting showered with 30k/year worth of luxury and enjoying a single-lifestyle while she wasnt around you.

She meanwhile is happy about the lifestyle you provide for her, without having to invest anything except nice words and her pvssy.

You should seriously make her earn her place in your life and thats not happening by wasting your time and energy wondering what she does with to much spare (and in her case work-) time and having 5 hour phone calls to get her in line.

By the amount of money you throw at her, YOU are the price and she has to act accordingly or hit the road.
 

Divorced w 3

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You are divorced with 3 kids. So am I. I came here in 2017. I studied Rollo and Mystery. If you don’t know who those people are than I would give them both a look.

I don’t understand why you care. You have 3 kids. They are priority number one. Women are for periodic pleasure only because they offer little to nothing else.

The kids have a mom, yes? Are you wanting to blend this woman into your family? Don’t.

She asked you to be exclusive. That is not a trophy. Your response should have been “why would I want that?”

30k is nothing, you’re setting yourself up for 10x the loss in the coming future.

You are overracting and attempting to regulate promiscuity. Have you ever tried to drown a shark? You think she’s going to understand your point of view and adjust her behavior accordingly? Would the shark?

You have heartbreak ahead, no doubt. You’ve been feeling it already, I’m sure.

Those kids don’t deserve to see their dad feel that way and I’m sure you’ve thought of that as well.

She will sleep with other men. Accept that fact.

You lost frame. Cutting her is going into your phone and deleting her contact and blocking her number. If she reaches out through other channels, that means it’s your turn again. But remember, it’s just your turn.

5.5 hours of talking only tells me that you have a lot to learn.

Lesson 1: You ONLY communicate about when and where you are meeting next and THAT IS IT.

Lesson 2: You never answer a question. You can respond with questions but you never answer her questions.

Lesson 3: You DGAF. You have 3 kids, why would you care about a relationship? Instagram? Her touching another man’s back at a wedding? You have to not care and if it bothers you so much, delete one letter of her name in your contacts every time she makes a mistake until she’s deleted.

My opinion is you should be sleeping with 3 different women per month and no woman ever should know you have kids. Period.

You will likely disagree with a lot of what I said.

However, my kids will love me forever and appreciate what I’ve done for them.

Will yours?

That’s what matters.
I appreciate the post. I have updates that I will make. Anytime anyone mentions Rollo though I simply have to ask, if his advice is not good enough for him to take, why should I? Plate theory is for abundance, he must feel abundant as a married man enough to commit.

I don’t know if this is a lot relative to other guys here but I smashed five different women in 2022 when I was separated (I filed for divorce, 80% are done by the wife) that spring and this girl was not one of them. I don’t feel lacking opportunities so to speak.
 
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Divorced w 3

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Rollo, if you recall had a huge come to Jesus moment, strange for someone I think is a Persian, but that’s why his sites and shutting down or have shutdown.
No kidding huh. Didn’t know that. Guys here treat him like he’s Marcus Aurelius.
 

natureminded

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There’s a difference between theory and reality. Glad Rollo toned it down some. That was back when I was laying off this material as he was getting pretty extreme.

Gentleman, it is not easy! We try and study it like science, nice thing about nature is you get some typically repeated results. Women however… ‍‍‍
 

Divorced w 3

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Would you consider downgrading her to plate status?
I am re-reading Anti-Dumps machine and basically treating this as from scratch. I did my one time reset last week and giving it a blank slate.

Let’s pretend I tried this, saying that we were starting from scratch, that exclusivity needs to be re-earned in the relationship. I wonder if this has ever been tried. Maybe I just am a dense person but I am convicted when I set my mind to something. I am going to use this space now to talk about my ideas and experiences as if this is the first week in a new relationship together, and I’ll detail more what I am ending up doing with the commitment side.
 
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Divorced w 3

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String recommended Rian Stone as well. I found a YouTube on Regaining Frame that has a little something for everyone: Rollo, Rian Stone, Richard Cooper and Paul Benjamin (?). Going to hit the treadmill for a bit and put this on.

 
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