How to Spot a Unicorn

[sangheilios]

Well none of it is imaginary. It is all based on life experience of myself and people I know personally. My 22 year old very handsome son is married to a woman who has the traits decribed. She is 21. Why is that so hard to believe?

I'm not referring to that, but these bizarre and excessively detailed fantasy land stories that you seem to have a never ending abundance of.

 

[Barrister]

As opposed to what? Why do people need to be gorgeous or extraordinary to have a fine marriage?

My friends are all married. We are middle class. We’re doing fine.

Again, as opposed to what? Miserable ever after, something we don’t want?

I don’t see what socio-economic status has to do with “being a unicorn.” I think the defining characteristics are different for the sexes — but I don’t think whether they have money necessarily plays into anything. For women, her looks and nurturing instincts. For men, his integrity and ability to lead. Those things are independent of someone being lower, middle, or upper “class.”

I think people are getting hung up on the term “unicorn” and having one being a necessity to “being happy.” You can be happy without having a woman who is a “unicorn.” That’s what’s preached on this site relentlessly (or used to be anyway). Derive your happiness from your own life and achievements. Not from a woman. “Unicorn” or otherwise.

 

[jhonny9546]

A married couple that has no integrity, is hostile and disrespectful to each other, who commit adultery while claiming to stay together 'for the kids' are both doing the children a disservice.

Adultery it's not the only thing. They could just have many quarrels.

Quite a few women with daddy issues have fathers without integrity. They come to me for what they couldn't find. Safe haven.

Yes, I had a few LTR's like that. I always asked myself why I attracted them in the first place (I'm still asking), since I was more of the "nice guy" type at that time. Additionally, I wondered why they were so focused on searching for a good partner when they still had a difficult relationship with their parents. I mean, I'm short, and this woman liked taller guys, so what did she see in me that other guys didn’t have?

It’s that unicorn that pushes the man forward.

I know one, for sure, but she's also a drama queen and I do suspect to be a Borderline

 

[Westminster]

Unicorns are mythical creatures. They don’t exist and neither do unicorn men or women. As humans we are all flawed to various degrees and if you seek perfection in a partner you will be eternally single.

Spinning plates or the DJ lifestyle is fine if you are young and have no desire for children or a family.

I challenge any guy (except the outliers who have a very high degree of looks, money and/or status) to enjoy and have a successful player lifestyle in their 60s and beyond (pay for play does not qualify).

As you age your looks, patience, energy and testosterone levels decrease. You are deluding yourself if you think you can still pull significantly younger multiple 9s and 10s in your senior years and even if you can they will wear you out physically, financially and emotionally, you will have nothing in common, you will disappoint them in the bedroom and/or they will eventually leave you for a younger guy possibly leaving you heartbroken.

You could in theory find it easier to spin plates with women around your own age but as they most likely be suffering the ravages of time in terms of looks etc. like yourself why would you bother with all the effort?

The choice for older guys becomes pay for play and annual trips to Pattaya, enjoying the single life or finding someone you connect with on a more than physical level to spend your remaining years with. Nothing inherently wrong with any of these options, they all have their pros and cons.

I agree particularly with the highlighted bit.

In my experience, you can pull younger women if you're a good-looking older man and you've got your act together, but it is difficult to have a LTR with one who is substantially younger (20 years or more), for one or more of the reasons you describe.

So, I guess you've got to recognise it's just 'your turn' because these kind of relationships aren't built to last. Not usually anyway.

 

[jhonny9546]

So, I guess you've got to recognise it's just 'your turn' because these kind of relationships aren't built to last. Not usually anyway.

Ther is a scientific rule to this?
My mother is 10 years younger than my father, and I know several other that are 6 or 7 years younger.
I think there must be a point of no return

Again, don't be autistic

Ti prego di non usare questo termine nei miei confronti.

If that were through, why is she stating a preference for the opposite? What is her motivation for making such a preference known, knowing full well you are unable to change to her preference?

**** test?

 

[Slowhandluke]

"the greatest lie the devil ever told was that the average woman was better then the average man."
-kaiser soze

ok, I made up the quote, but if you wanted to destroy modern society, this is what he would have done. there are less families because of this... less kids... more unhappiness between the sexes.. more loathing, etc, etc.. tell this lie and you will harm society greatly.

 

[jhonny9546]

Why?

If you say she's doing it in front of you on purpose, knowing that you're short and that height is a physical limitation that we can't change, then I think she's testing you. She wants to see if you're going to be insecure about it, and if you have the balls to call her out for saying something offensive about you.
And if you have the ability to do it in a humorous way, that's a plus.
Or, She could say that, because we know that woman don't really know what they want.
Now, that's what I can see, but if you can see more, I'd be happy to see what you were thinking instead

 

[Divorced w 3]

Shyt testing is as simple as this: typically subconscious female emotional responses to a help her understand a paradoxical relationship dynamic, to test whether a man’s natural and unplanned responses match his canned responses.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I think that's a simplistic view. If this is 'typical', I should get a lot more congruency tests. There's something else at play here.

Your interpersonal dynamic betrays any paradox you try and create. Leading relationships with heart is a good thing.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Yes, but there's a thing in your previous statement that you understated: "to test whether a man’s natural and unplanned responses match his canned responses"
Everyone lives with masks. The congruence testing is to see behind the mask.

Right, except in your case I would guess, that they are trying to fish out whether you are this bad-boy you are working to cultivate, and I think in that sense you are failing, which is probably reassuring. It then gets attributed to your charm and deemed as paternal and playful.

i get the opposite, my dark triad is off the charts and I have been undergoing deep clinical work to address it, so far it seems to be working.

 

[jhonny9546]

She tells you, yet she still seems into you. Why make the remark at all? Excluding being a b!tch about someone's shortcomings, she must have a reason.

Yes, this behaviour I saw it with married couple too. sometimes, but it was more "teasing" and not more "serious" like first dates.

I still can't get it

 

[Divorced w 3]

Yes, this behaviour I saw it with married couple too. sometimes, but it was more "teasing" and not more "serious" like first dates.

I still can't get it

Why?

People grow, their personalities evolve and relationships continuously change. Why then would testing ever stop?

 

[Divorced w 3]

You shouldn't see the mask as a literal mask.

You think I'm cultivating a bad-boy mask. I'm not. I grew up with violence and was volatile and violent in my late teens to early twenties, which happened some three decades ago. You don't know me, you look at some photos, I have an eyepatch, so probably I'm roleplaying as a pirate. Probably to seduce women, because why else would I be here on this forum. The fact that you think I'm 'cultivating' a certain 'imago' shows that you view me from a male/competitive perspective.

Most women understand that I'm not wearing an eye patch to role-play as a pirate, but that I need to cover my eye because of a severe medical condition; photophobia in a damaged eye that requires absolute darkness. The leather eyepatch allows me to open my left eye in darkness so I don't have to squint with my right eye.
While some of them might think I look like a former badass, I'm a divorced father taking care of two kids, and that is not what a 'bad boy' does. Also, I don't solve issues through violence, like I did in a distant past. Bad boys brawl. I only fought for survival and I don't need to anymore, because I found other ways to deal with conflicts.

Women look at me from a female perspective, they see a divorced father devoted to his children to provide them with a safe haven. And they see me as safe. Most of them don't know of my violent past and would frankly be surprised that I used to be volatile and violent. The feedback I get is that they feel safe because I'm capable and relaxed and confident in pretty much every situation. I'm not volatile, so I won't hurt them, not even unintentionally, because I'm in control of my emotions and reactions. I'm charming and well-liked in my social circles, I'm not threatening and I'm only intimidating to people with bad intentions.

And I'm here to do my own research for my novels, not because I'm incapable of interacting with and bonding with women.

With that out of the way, let's return to the subject of masks and congruence testing:

From my perspective, I see a distinct difference in the frequency and quantity of congruence testing between my lovers and my PTSD clients:
My lovers test maybe once or twice in the beginning of the relationship, after that I'm rarely tested or challenged, except when they themselves start doubting their own congruence.
My PTSD clients test constantly, because they exist in a state of permanently doubting their own congruence. Their mask are wildly disparate from their identities and as a result they cannot believe that someone else 'has their sh!t together'.

If that is correct, when your behaviour is congruent and the woman's behaviour is congruent, the testing will be limited; but when the testing continues unabated and you know you're congruent and your mask is close to your essence, then you're probably dealing with a woman who isn't congruent. Whatever she shows is not what she is. And because she cannot trust herself, she cannot trust you, and will keep on testing for external congruence in the absence of internal congruence.

I feel like something in my post offended you and if that’s the case I apologize.

I think your work in PTSD is very interesting, but I wonder if the traits you seem to notice in a set of clients with common underlying conditions, necessarily translate to the rest of women who don’t have a traumatic past.

 

[jhonny9546]

The more a woman tests you, the more she believes you're incongruent.

Let’s say you talk 10 times a day, and 2 out of those 10 times, she raises her voice, threatening you with a lack of respect in general. I’m wondering if you consider this a "**** test," a "congruency test," or simply disrespect. How would you handle this situation?

 

[jhonny9546]

Women know better than to behave like that with me.

If they did, what would be your reaction?

 

[jhonny9546]

What do you mean? I wouldn't get involved with disrespectful women. I have standards and boundaries.

"I am your disrespectful girlfriend and I come to you and yell at you saying that you should have taken off your dirty shoes before coming in, very rudely.

Or, I yell at you saying that you are always the same and never change, and I lose my patience because I always have to do everything at home"

 

[RangerMIke]

One man's unicorn is another man pain in the @ss.