This make take a few posts. I have been with my grilfriend 8 months now and she is in the final stages of a divorce and has 3 children. When I first met her she was in many ways similar to what previous posters have outlined. However I did notice some unusual behaviour in the second and third date which I wont get into now. God how I wish I listened to my gut reaction, its usually right.
She was married for ten years and although I dont know what happened there really, well she portrayed it as his fault of course!, she launched into all the 'he was rotten to me, hit me etc' talk on the first date. I felt sorry and was compelled to show a lot of sympathy towards her after hearing such torrid accounts of what happened. This guy, although I have never spoken to him directly, is a very devoted father and seems to be quite content in his life now. She did however get him charged with ABH (actual bodily harm) which he resented massively and they did get involved in a lot of spite over the last two years, as they say in dicorce there are only losers. So from the start she had me believe he was the big bad wolf. Now I am not condoning his violence in any way, shape or form but Jesus I can understand after 10 years of this how he might of snapped on occassion.
This women uses the silent treatment on me constantly. Passive-aggressive is her main tactic.She is always doing things in such an underhanded way you cant pull her for them, she does things in a way, that if challenged, she can deny and get herself off the hook. Constantly withdraws and withholds affection as a punishment for any little so called mis-demeanour I do. It wasn't long before I realised that when I arrived at the her house, if I didn't initiate touching we didn't touch. One time I arrived and just didn't touch her and waited to see if she would actually come over to me....3 hours passed nothing and this is after not seeing her for a few days. I live in fear that she will punish me if she, below the surface, does not get her own way. For example, if i decide not go round to her house one night she takes that as rejection. Now she wont say that but her behaviour will change towards me which is very confusing, particularly in the early stages of the relationship. This happened constantly. She also wont tell another guy to go away, he keeps calling constantly. I know she didn't go out with him, but she did sleep with him once when she was feeling lonely before she met me. My beef isn't infidelity as such here, but its her mind games with me. I put up with this for 5 months before I said to her tell him to piss off its starting to wind me up. Admittedly she never called him and she would ignore his calls a lot, but it really was ridiculous - how hard is it to say to someone I aint interested stop calling! I think it was to do with attention and getting a reaction from me, which it did eventually, most guys I know would not of been so patient. Its still going on, she finally sent him a text saying stop calling or I will change my number, but not without an argument first.
She is very reactionary, in other words if I ask her a question she wont answer and says 'do what you want'...its all based on the information I give her first. She has been anoxeric and I think she has an eating disorder now, I find bags with regurgitated chocolate. She used to kiss me a lot at the start of the relationship and kissed me using cholocate she had just put in her mouth but had not swallowed, she did this frequently which I think is linked to an eating disorder. She has attempted suicide whilst she was married (technically she still is!) and has self harmed when we have had arguments. I have raged at her through great feelings of confusion and frustration, I even pushed her once. I have insulted really badly which I felt very guiltY about, but again as I was so frustrated. I found myself saying to her 'its like your a child in a womens body'....'why cant you be rational'....'why are you so awkward'.....'this doesn't feel real'.
She just doesnt seem capable of rational comprehension or have the ability to regulate her emotions. I believe she suffers from spells of dysphoria, although I am no expert so I am not sure. I feel like we go round in circles about the same issues all the time. Fighting crops up every week with very little normailty or peace many couples enjoy in stable relationships. She seems to thrive on turmoil to prove her existence in some sick way.
I am very fond of her children but also feel sorry for them sometimes, although I wouldn't say she's great mother (her illnes makes sure of that) she isn't a bad one either, but what do I really know about that? - well I am bout to find as she got pregnant in August past.
My life has been engulfed with emotional pain I would not wish on anyone. The problem with all this is, we love these people and its so hard to release. If they were all bad the relationship wouldn't go very far in the first place despite excellent acting performances there are some very redeeming, and endearing, qualities they posses. Her getting pregnant, or coming off the pill, was conveniently enough just after we had a row and hadn't spoken for a few days. There is a grey area surrounding the conception of this pregnancy. She didn't tell me she was coming off the pill until after two weeks, although I did sleep with her after knowing that which makes pretty flippin stupid I guess. I have been to London twice to get an abortion, and both times we didn't go through with it. Both times going over she didn't speak to me once which I guess was manipulation, and I mean not one word at the airport on the plane or on the tube, nothing.
She was using the pregnancy as a vehicle for control, one minute she was having the abortion, the next minute this baby has a heart beat now. Anyway I will not digress to much. I have tried to stick with her although we have hit another wall, there's a never ending amount of them you hit.
More uncertainty, mind games and twisting. My parents resent her massively, although I have involved them too much which is wrong but I needed perspective.
This women exhausts me mentally when she goes strange as I put it, but we do have good times. I know if I really decide to end this, no contact is the only way, if indeed she has an illness that I fear she does. Obviously I cant make a diagnosis but I am familiar with the criteria and she ticks most of those boxes in my opinion.
She hasn't introduced me to one of her friends in 8 months, not one. I know she has a friend who lives near buy, who ironically is a counsellor in some sort of capacity but I am guessing this 'suppossed' friend is more like a 'good samaritan friend'...I havn't met her once.
She is 34 and I am 29, and her excuse for not bringing her friend around for dinner or a few drinks is that we wont have anything in common as her friend is a bit older! Well from where I am standing if she can put up with my partner in terms of maturity she could put with me! Saying that the friend doesn't see the person I see in intimate surroundings. She is a very good looking girl but has no self belief, no confidence and everything is never her fault, always the victim and always evades responsibility - I think her own parents are fed up with her.
The problem is a baby is on the way now....the rabbit hole just got a lot deeper.
All I know is that she has some sort of disorder, I have read a lot about BPD (which speaks volumes in itself) and related disorders and can relate with a lot of what I have read. I may be in some sort of denial myself. I did grow up with a father who was an alcoholic and I mean a real alcoholic not a heavy drinker - commmon misconception. That may shed some light on me, I am far from a perfect being and am well aware of my own shortcomings but I do have a rational mind - up until now anyway.
I met her parents a few times and straight away I had a feeling about her mother, I remember thinking thats a cold fish and she was making comments about larger girls 'letting themselves go' as she put it and how terrible it was..in others words overeating...ahh!...anoxeria could of stemmed from this. She also was cold and I fear my partner may have been slightly neglected as a child emotionally...maybe he mother witdrew a lot. Her Father was very nice but she did tell me he was an alocoholic (didn't sound anywhere near as bad as my own father) and had suffered from depression. I thought genetic disposition? Anyway this is going on now, I will think of a lot more and this is only the tip of the iceberg - I will present more examples of her behaviour and accounts of arguments if it helps you guys formulate some sort of response.
I would be extremely grateful if any of you take the time to read this and respond.
I have plenty more of where that come from.
An emotional rollercoaster is one of the most poignant and fitting expressions that summaries this up and down relationship.
PS - Please excuse my grammer and spelling etc.In my frame of mind I just blirted this all out.
