How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

[decades]

Wow – I cannot begin to describe just how hard this thread has hit me.

I have been involved with a textbook BPD woman for over the last year. I met her while she was getting a divorce, we hooked up, we thought we were in “love,” and then it was down hill from that point on:

- She would love me one minute, hate me the next.
- She would always put me down (always)
- Only gave me compliments when I would pull away
- Sex was great in the beginning, but she used it to control me after a couple months
- She would constantly push me away, but at the same time never want to let me go
- I felt like I was with a stranger half the time I was with her
- She would always talk about her past relationships and how screwed up they were
- She was very open about how she slept around quite often before getting married (I wouldn’t doubt while she was married either)

I left to visit friends and family for holidays last year and when I got back, she was a devil b1tch times a million. She did a 180 just after I got back, telling me how she wanted to date both me and her husband to get “closure” on the marriage, I told her no and left for a week to get over it all. I get back and she moved back in with her husband and all of a sudden I am to blame.

I was still caught up in it then. We continued seeing each other until summer when she decided she had had enough of me. I was destroyed, so I took off half way across the world to collect my head for a month. I come back and walk into a sh1t storm – she left her husband because I left her, which, in turn, drove her “crazy.” When I got back, she was all about me and then 180’d again overnight. Since then she has lied to me multiple times and also admitted to manipulating me. I only took a week of that crap after being back before telling her I wanted her out of my life.

Get this, though: I work with her. I work in the same damn office as her. I am so indifferent to her now that it is driving her CRAZY. She is throwing EVERYTHING at me trying to get a reaction now – how she went out with a bunch of guys for five days she didn’t know; how she did “super crazy things” (drank too much, did to much, took to much – her words); how she was planning to move away; how she was going to find some place to be every night other than at home; how she was going to party until 8am every morning. It got to the point where it was both amusing and sad at the same time. This is still going on, mind you – only now she fluctuates between the psycho talk and just trying to ignore me and be rude.

I am not quite how to handle this delicate situation. It is horrible to witness this every single day. I am thinking about packing up my stuff and moving away (which isn’t too much of a pain – I work so I can travel so my possessions are kept light). I make great money and have a very flexible schedule, but I am thinking that getting this cancer called a woman out of my life is much more important – any thoughts?

BTW – I wouldn’t wish the pain she inflicted on me to even my worst enemies.

hmm you are torturing yourself by listening to her crap. You don't have to. For some strange reason we Want to, however. Don't give me any excuses about how you have to be "nice" to her. You don't. You can keep it entirely business, if you want. The question is, do you want to keep it just business.

 

[Sinistar]

Find 'em a Narcissist or Psychopath - works every time

 

[jophil28]

I agree with you 100% - everything I thought I knew about woman turned out to be completely fvcked. They make you feel as though you are not man enough for them, but what really happens is that they make every man they come in contact with into this soulless being - half of a man, or a shell of a man if you will.

Not quite, my BPD Ex G/f was originally married to a guy who showed all the signs and symptoms of being a Narcissist. SHe descibed him to me as "A God " ..she worshipped him ..however she still cheated on him several times and blamed him for the demise of the marriage. I know this because she frequently whined to me about how she was mistreated by HIM and his behavior .. playing victim is a high level skill in BPD women.
OF course she portrayed herself as the innocent victim, and him as the evil perpetrator. Eventually I had a long convo with him, and his side of history was revealed - his version did not match her's.. ha ha !
However, the point here is that only other Cluster B men can successfully manage a BPD woman and dump her with little damage to his psyche..I do not care how much of a DJ you think that you are, you will never be any match for a high functioning HB9 BPD woman with hate in her heart . The Devil does wear Prada.
NPD and ASPD guys can probably fight them to a draw, but we 'nornals' become cannon fodder, I swear. REgular guys are used and discarded and played relentlessly in her nasty game of, " Go away until I want you back " .We play this game like a man hanging over a cliff-face by his fingernails who does not have any idea how he got there or what to do about his survival.
Thanks to this site I now KNOW what I need to know about the evil that is BPD .

 

[dubAllStar]

Not quite, my BPD Ex G/f was originally married to a guy who showed all the signs and symptoms of being a Narcissist. SHe descibed him to me as "A God " ..she worshipped him ..however she still cheated on him several times and blamed him for the demise of the marriage. I know this because she frequently whined to me about how she was mistreated by HIM and his behavior .. playing victim is a high level skill in BPD women.

It is funny you say this. My BPD's husband was a narcissist and she also worshiped him just as yours did. She also cheated on him and blamed him for the end of the marriage.

It seriously trips me out how these types of woman are able to parallel each others actions so well...

 

[KontrollerX]

"BPD women can kill you. Literally."

Well they can kill people literally through drunk driving or driving their car through one of their boyfriend's houses as they are known to do on occasion but yeah the psychological damage they do to guys that causes them to take their own lives is once again Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Its why you hear after or during a war about soldiers who come back who then kill themselves or themselves and their entire family.

Its the same condition soldiers get from seeing their buddies get killed or having to kill people or being around a bad situation for a long time with a lot of loud noise and uncertainty.

PTSD comes about as the result of harsh trauma's like war, living in a bad neighborhood or being involved with a horrifically abusive person like a Borderline and its a really fvcked up condition but fortunately its completely curable with regular therapy for many people and some of the more severe cases with new cutting edge therapy treatments for it.

 

[jophil28]

It hasn't driven me nuts mainly because I have quite a few plates spinning and I have been told myself on more than one occassion that I'm a bit of a sociopath. I do like her a lot, however threads like this give me pause on how to deal with her.

Thoughts?

Her behavior is disturbing and immature at best.
Whether she is clinically BPD is unknown at this point. More info is needed from you about her actions and reactions.
However, she seems to be fragile and unstable in her management of the ebb and flow of your relationship.
Personality Disorders vary from mild to severe -along a continuum.
The problem for men is that women with Cluster B disorders are abusers of the highest order and they abuse in the PSYCHOLOGICAL a lot of the time. Her abuse at times is analgous to swallowing the sweetest honey which has been laced with poison.

 

[jophil28]

1. She has few friends that are girls, and the few that she has or gets, she tends to smother and get clingy with....to the point where at least two of them push her away a bit.
   
2. She is the first girl I have ever been with that doesn't like to cuddle, and I'm not talking a small number of girls here.
   
3. She consistently "pushes" me away, only to try and pull me back again when I pull away as well.
   
4. She says that she "pushes" away the guys that she has dated in the past because guys have the ability to hurt her much worse than girls can.
   
5. She has never gotten so blatantly angry around me as seems to be displayed in this thread, although she has admitted to me moer than once that she has a temper problem, to the point where she punches things.
   
6. On the occassions where I do pull away, she is very sensitive to me pulling away even a little bit and asks if anything is wrong and wants to make sure that everything is ok with us.

I have seen all of these traits in a BPD women. That does not lead me to say that your IS woman PD. However, to protect yourself, you need to arm yourself with the knowledge to detect any mental illness ( if present) and then walk away should she be another Cluster B creature.

Here is a quick test - an early BPD/HPD alert .
*Does she have a history of turmoil or broken relationships with a lot of drama?
*Does she play " victim" to an excessive degree when she is reporting her previous breakups ?
* Did she have an abusive childhood... Drinking ,drugging, incest, cheating, violent parent?
* Does she frequently present as "a lost child/woman " ..very demure, sweet, compliant, passive??
* Is she still connected to her last man in any way?
* Does she say/ do things which are incongruent or contradictory such that you are frequently bewildered?
* Do you find yourself starting to feel anxious around her -as if she were a pane of glass that could shatter at any moment. Is she emotionally very fragile ?
* Does she talk about the events of her life as if she were a spectator rather than the main participant. Does it seem as if she was never responsible for any of her own life decisions ?
* Is she impulsive and have a low tolerance for frustration?

Secondly, try to NOT become emotionally invested in her until you have resolved your concerns one way or another.
Keep your distance until you are clear about her.
That is hard at times - and don't forget to kill off that Capt-save-a-ho guy if he wants to come to her rescue.

 

[Janez]

if you would like to enter my messed mind after dealing with BPD chick for 4 years, after 1 week of no contact. I am really messed up. I need help.

I am obsessed with her and I believe I could make it work if I get myself out of depression and PTSD or whatever I got. The best way to describe my mental situation is shown here in this document.

http://drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Bad Nerves Article.doc (btw many great articles on this site)




I know you people said to get a therapist. I will probably get it. But I want someone that is good and I am messed too much for a normal therapist or whatever.


Anyway, my post, at BPDFAMILY http://www.bpdfamily.org/index.php?topic=82836.0

Would appreciate everyone's opinion.


I forgot to tell that I really want her back. I want her to be with me. She is messed up, I know that, but maybe I can make it work with some proper memory management and thought control and setting strong boundaries. If I behaved better with her I believe we could work together. But I got severe depression for like 7 years so maybe i am even more messed up than her.

Btw, how does these people feel? She must be much better than I am. If our mood is so much dependent on chemicals in our brain (neurotransmiters), so I guess its just a BPD way to come to good feelings. So if I could see through all bpd manipulation, and make myself such believe system, that bpd behaviour would not effect me much, I could pretty much use her "or be with her". I would only need to provide her good emotions and behaviour.With proper thought control alot of things are possible. I would really like to crack that BPD ****. I was not that easy in the relationship myself as well. lol. But I must beat depression on my part I believe. Depression/PSTD, whatever, I can't blame everything on BPD. So maybe things could work and maybe she aint that bad. I took her virginity, I guess she cheated me, or maybe she didn't, but I still see her as good person to my life. Can't blame on bpd, if I was sane person I guess I would exit before anything would happen (i found her on internet anyway).

edit:

after oversleeping and reading the response I feel better now. hehe. It helped to cry out the hurt. No need to repeat the obvious again

 

[Knight's Cross]

Danger,
I'm going to recommend that you proceed with caution. You have mentioned several characteristics that I noticed early in my BPD relationship. The label thing....calling it what it is, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, she's already telling you that you are NEVER going to get that from her. Which is fine, if she wasn't also PARANOID that you are with other women. There's the Texting/ IM link with the last guy...Want my bet? He's a narcasict or a sociopath that she will say while they "broke it off" he's the only guy that she's stayed friends with. I'm betting there are others, typically when you shake a haybale and a needle falls out, the haystack's full of needles. See BPD's only feel safe with a guy that doesn't feel the sting from their anger.
You mentioned that she apologized for flying off the handle at you. What I'd ask you to look at is this," Are her apologies sincere"? What I found was that the BPD I was with would apologize, but she didn't follow thru with course corrections. Most people that have true empathy towards one another will LEARN, and not err again in that area. They get it, that you deserve respect and learn not to F-up again. A BPD KNOWS that the social norm is to say they are sorry, but they HATE having to do it, and WILL crap on the carpet again soon enough. They then try the same game. They apologize, but continue to do as they please.

Tough to say if she's a BPD for sure, I do see some markers, but your best course is to spin more. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO ISOLATE, SHAME, OR GUILT YOU INTO JUST SEEING HER. That's another marker of the BPD.

Good Luck~

KC

 

[KontrollerX]

"Overall she doesn't seem nearly as bad as the bpd stories I hear, but I see signs of it, so perhaps she is only mildly bpd if there is such a thing?"

Even the ones who don't have it as bad as others are extremely dangerous to whatever man that gets involved with them unless of course the man is a sociopath and thus built for dealing with these women.

Anyway the thing they do to normal guys is they'll break you down gradually over a long period of time until the relationship is less about your wants and more about her wants and they continually monitor you for resistance and strength and once they see a weakness in you for any reason they'll exploit it.

They groom you for destruction basically.

They get you to a point where you need them the most and suddenly they are no longer there totally mimicking their own abandonment in childhood in some way by a parent or both parents.

Even if she doesn't get you to the point of breaking down so she can leave she may eventually leave you anyway with no explanation if she senses you are no longer a fun toy.

Which means if she has a strong need to abandon a guy and pay her parents back subconsciously for abandoning her she'll leave you to find a weaker and better candidate for manipulation.

This fvck's with a lot of well off wealthy cool guys who think they have their AW on lockdown as they can't figure out why she leaves him for some loser plumber or whatever and it can simply be because she needs someone easier to control.

 

[jophil28]

[b
They groom you for destruction basically.

Which means if she has a strong need to abandon a guy and pay her parents back subconsciously for abandoning her she'll leave you to find a weaker and better candidate for manipulation.

This fvck's with a lot of well off wealthy cool guys who think they have their AW on lockdown as they can't figure out why she leaves him for some loser plumber or whatever and it can simply be because she needs someone easier to control.

All true.

To the OP ...This woman may not meet the critera to be clinically BPD. So what ? She may have a combo of a little bit of a lot of PDs. THis is why, many times, people with PDs are so difficult to diagnose (even for professionals) .. PDs do not existing in purely singular form. Co-morbidity IS the norm.

The real question is whether she is making you happy or not.

 

[darkstarrr]

Originally Posted by KontrollerX

They groom you for destruction basically.

Which means if she has a strong need to abandon a guy and pay her parents back subconsciously for abandoning her she'll leave you to find a weaker and better candidate for manipulation.
----------------------------------------------


I love you man for describing this as you have. I am telling you people if it wasnt for this board I would have probably lost my job and new apartment over a crazy broad who, similar to as you describe it, crushed my ego and MAGNIFIED every little insecurity I ever had to the point where I stopped taking care of myself after the breakup.

I just got out of a $hit storm of a relationship with a BPD woman who was so cold and indifferent it was actually terrifying at some points. First of all, her father is a beligerent alcoholic whose brother just passed away from alcoholism (kidney/liver failuer) at the tender age of 46. Next, her mother is 10 years older than the pop, and she used to do coke all the time according to the father. Interestingly enough, the father gets very sad from time to time and even cries - BUT THE MOTHER IS COLD, UNCOMFORTING, AND INDIFFERENT TO HIM!

Moving forward the father's mother used to be a crack-head and I believe has either passed away or is about to. Had enough yet people? IT GETS WORSE!

Next, when this girl was 14 she started doing drugs and having sex. She dated a guy 4 years older than her from around 15 until she was 21. Up until age 21 she had sex with a total of 13 or so people. Her previous long relationship ended badly. The guy ended up going to jail at one point and disappeared for a month, which probably only added to her disturbance. I remember her crying to me in the beginning at one point explainging how on their 1 year she made him something and he didnt have anything for her and it made her sad. Funny because on our 1 year a few weeks ago she complety downplayed it being our 1 year - saying we didnt officially start being a couple until about 6 months earlier. That makes me think either she was unfaithful the whole time OR she knew for a fact that she was going to end the relationship and had wanted to do for some time.

My point in regards to this post is this, and please either correct me if I am wrong or elaborate: women who have all sorts of experiences like I described BEFORE THEY EVEN MEET YOU are probably a lot more likely (as time passes) to leave you or stray or whatever you want to call it, and it will have nothing to do with you whatsoever.

IN SUMMARY! If anyone finds themselves emotionally involved with a person they even suspect as being a BPD what you need to do is start dating other people immediately and leave the BPD before they leave you. If you have the strength to leave them flat out you may not be here in the first place asking how to get rid of them.

I sure wish I did.

God Bless you all!

 

[jophil28]

.. Funny because on our 1 year a few weeks ago she complety downplayed it being our 1 year - saying we didnt officially start being a couple until about 6 months earlier. That makes me think either she was unfaithful the whole time OR she knew for a fact that she was going to end the relationship and had wanted to do for some time.

That is classic BPD mindfvcking.

See if you can get your head around this -

BPD women frequently find ways to undermine your memory or obfuscate the events in the history of your relationship together. What you remember correctly as reality, or a given, is what she will twist and distort into a confused mess of misunderstanding and foggy recollections. Why? BEcause this is her playground in which her games succeed. The murky world of misinterpretations, misperceptions and agumentative statements about events that are "constants" to you . THis is her game of control and power .
ASk yourself if you ever had a "talk" with her in which you successfully arrived at a mutually agreeable deal. Usually the opposite happens and the "talk " ends in more confusion and division.
The other payoff to Cluster B women in making everything murky and ambiguous is that doing so allows them to feel LESS committed to you.. This is difficult to explain, but BPD women despise involvement and commitment by THEM so they loosen things up by confusing you and creating gray and murky statements. It may all sound nuts,but these women ARE nuts.
These women HATE facts, reality and truth because such things disable and disallow mindfvcking games.

Her comment about you and her being together for only six months is an example of what I am describing here. She is creating a disagreement about a FUNDAMENTAL of your relationship with her ...the length of your relationship. THis is not a casual misinterpretation , it is a deliberate attempt to create disagreement for a tactical advantage.

THis is a typical way in which they do business. I bet there were many other similar examples .

Women with her background have no clue about being a co-creator of a functional relationship, BUT they do know all about deception, manipulation, mind games, lying and cheating. THey grew up with all that every day.

 

[jophil28]

[b

They groom you for destruction basically.

Even if she doesn't get you to the point of breaking down so she can leave she may eventually leave you anyway with no explanation if she senses you are no longer a fun toy.
.

Yes, I seems that BPD women have a huge need for YOU to fawn over them and they typically draw you in with early sex and by appearing to be 'The One" but at the same time they are collecting evidence for the proscecution to use against you .THis happens from the first date onwards.

She creates a 'dossier' in her head of real or imagined defects in your character and eventually this "sh!t sheet " is revealed to you, line by line, as circumstances permit. THis sometimes appears ar "I love you ..go away, I hate you" ... and then it reverses starting with some emotional display of vulnerability on her pat to hoover you back in... And so it goes around and around.

 

[jophil28]

Thanks Kontroller, you have certainly given me a lot to think about. I have read that people with BPD have similarities to children who had an alcoholic parent while growing up. Do you know anything about this?

She does have a "drunk" parent, or so I hear. This is the other possibility I considered.

BPD women do indeed share symptoms with Adult Children of ALcoholics.
My favorite authority on ACOAs is John Bradshaw.
His books will give you the knowledge on this subject.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

There's not a day that goes by that I don't look back at my dramatic, crazy, rollercoaster BPD relationship with a smile on my face....YES A SMILE ON MY FACE! Why??? Am I crazy too....definitely not.

Don't get me wrong, getting over that relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and it definitely changed my opinion of women and how I should be more keen at recognizing red flags...

But back to my original point....the reason I look back at that crazy relationship with a smile on my face now is because she is the reason I went back to college, got a degree and a minor, worked my @ss off and forced myself....yes forced myself to be single for over a year to work on myself.
I followed that up by getting a kick @ss job and just bought my own condo...all within 3 years of getting out of that mind-fuvkin' relationship.

Oh yeah and karma's a byatch too....just ran into her at the bar about a month ago for the first time since I broke up with her and she looks like crap!

Despite all that, I look back at that relationship and firmly believe that everything and everyone you come in contact with is for a reason. She helped me to get back on the right path by giving me a preview of how terrible life could've been if I would have stuck it out with her.

And even with all the bullshyt I went through for her, I don't have any ill will towards her now, in fact I wish her the best. I've done extensive research on PD's and I don't believe that these people manipulate, lie and decieve you on purpose.....I believe that they're just acting in a fashion that's "normal" to them...its all they know. That doesn't allow them to have a free pass and not be accountable for their actions, it just keeps them at an arm's distance and instantly emotionally disconnects me from them.

I'm sure all of you who have been through a BPD relationship can tell pretty quickly when your dealing with one now compared to before you were exposed.

Keep moving forward....



PIMP

 

[Bible_Belt]

Hey,

What's up guys? I've been reading on sosuave for a few weeks now and had to register to comment on this topic. My live in girlfriend is a BPD (no real diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure that she is based on what I have read). I met her 7 years ago and she was still married, but told me that it was all but over because her husband cheated on her. I was 22 and beyond as AFC as you can get at the time (thought I was the man though...had no clue) and met this little Japanese girl who proceeded to tell me a huge sob story about her husband and how bad he was to her, cheating on her etc. She said she hadn't eaten for a few days and I felt really bad for her and wanted to help her (next time I'll know to RUN to the mother ****ing exit next time I meet someone trying to make me feel sooo much pity for her). I bought her some food and didn't really want to hook up with her at the time at all, just felt sorry and thought I could help her. Spent a lot of time with her that day because she seemed so suicidal that I thought it was a bad, bad thing to leave her alone. I was stupid and gave her my phone number in case she needed to talk to someone. Long story short, we end up together and she divorces her husband (She REALLY made it seem like it was completely over with him, which I now doubt very highly everything she told me).

She had a son, who was 18 months old at the time. She needed a place to live and I got her a studio in the same building as me (didn't move in together or anything). We hit it off really well and I was very happy, I thought that I had saved her from a miserable life. I also started loving her son (and still do to this day, he calls me dad and I call him son, his bio father has never made any efforts to initiate any communication at all). About a year later we moved in together (and have lived together for the past 6 years). She was a horror, not tat I knew about any cheating (I should have from early on, but I didn't think women cheated (brainwashed by the media and womens words)) I would see ****ed up texts on her phone etc. and she would tell me she had no idea who it was and that they must be for the previous owner of the phone number. I stupidly believed it, because it was so obvious to me that she loved me. At home, she would have bouts of total insanity, one minute she is fine and the next she is freaking out screaming about how I did this or that just because of some silly mis perception that maybe I slighted her (which I didn't). It was really bad. If we went to a restaurant and there was a line, she would get pissed and start storming off, and little me would follow her to little ass to wherever she went. She was and is a complete maniac, and takes everything out on those around her. If she doesn't have a parking spot when she gets home, she is furious at me and her son when she gets home. If someone cuts her off in traffic, she is furious at us for....ummm being in the car. She was unstable as hell around her son and couldn't control herself. She would scream at the 3 year old about not pooping in the toilet (like SCREAM at him), and I would always get her away from him. I hated her, and sometimes I loved her, but I completely loved and still love her son, who I call my son and try very hard to raise him to have a happy life. I have stayed with her because I love him (and sometimes her in good moments) and I didn't want her driving him insane or doing something completely ****ed up.

So for the past 5 or so years now (there were a couple good years in there where I was clueless) I have been raising her son as my own with all of us living together, and her going out with "friends" as often as she can. She did anything to get away from me, I finally figure out in retrospect. A couple years ago I finally start to get wise to some of the bull**** that is going on, after her friend asks her to ask me if test messages can be seen on phone statements (I'm like...wtf why?), and it turned out her little slut friend was ****ing some other guy than her BF and they wanted my help to make sure she didn't get caught.

So now I don't trust her and she is talking about getting married. There was no way, but I wanted her son (my son too at this point) to get a good start in life in a healthy way. Also my family hated her because she was a major **** any time we had a family get together because I spent some attention on other family members instead of 100% with her like she wants (een though when her family visits, they don't (can't really....no english) pay any attention to me except to treat me like a taxi driver. I didn't realize it at the time, but her parents ALWAYS thank me profusely whenever they get the chance, I now think it is because I made their problem (her) my problem. Over time, she never took her son anywhere without me. The entire time we have been together, she has taken him to the zoo, aquarium etc. type places 5 times....in 7 years. Needless to say, she is a horrible parent because she only know how to think for herself. This means that my life as it was (because I thought I was an honorable guy and wanted to raise the son that I love in a healthy way so he has a good shot at a nice life vs. whatever would have turned out if I had not been in the picture) didn't exist at all. On weekends it was me taking him around doing stuff...which I really don't mind, but not having ANY time for myself at all. She would go out, and I would be ok with it, because I believed her when she said that she was "just dancing", and I didn't want to go out with her anyway because of her behavior. It was completely embarrassing and she would scream at random strangers for a slight glance (big guys, chicks, whatever). So I was a ****ing total homebody. Maybe I convinced myself it was because I wanted to, maybe I was exhausted because of walking on eggshells at home all the time...I don't know...maybe (likely) I was totally depressed because my life sucked ass. The one good thing was that my son was happy and while he is scared of him mom, he seems at least somewhat well adjusted.

Sorry this is such a long post, but I wanted you to know what can happen if you don't get the **** away from these people asap. You can turn into a chump like me.

So she continues making up a whole bunch of BS stories about "helping her friends" as a reason to go out, and I think she is just wanting to go drink with her friends, making up stupid reasons to do so. After a while, the reasons and excuses got lame and one night she spent the night away from home. I was livid. I knew at that point something was really up. She told me she just got too drunk and slept at a friends house, I never really believed her, but thought I needed proof to feel good about kicking her ass to the curb. I spent a year trying to catch her and FINALLY found an email from some guy to her talking about going to dinner...this was like a month ago. I broke up with her, but told her she didn't need to leave until she found another place, and I know that a lot of you might not like this, but we decided on a schedule to see our son, which I wanted a lot. He never did anything to me but love me too and none of it was his fault. She wanted to give it another try and told me that she was seeing this guy for 3 months ( I don't believe it or believe that he was the only guy she ****ed) because she didn't think I was going to marry her and that she wanted security. I told her I would, but I really said that because I wanted to hurt her and make sure she didn't have any fall back or swing guy after I was done with her. I wanted her to feel pain and loneliness like I did for so long, so my plan was to make sure she wasn't with anyone else while I break it off. Her attempt basically lasted all of two weeks and yesterday she gave me some lame story that that she was "helping" someone else and spent at least a few hours of unknown time somewhere. When I suggested having the helped person over for a barbeque with her kids, she shy's away from the topic (see she was never really with that person at all).

She was balling hard when I broke it off with her and that (false) sympathy lasted all of two weeks before she was back to her old tricks. I can get no revenge.

The only plus is that I found this site and have been working out like a madman and can totally see the girlies responding. If I can just figure out the steps past attraction, I should be in good shape. Will probably play the field for some time to come after this drama.

I guess the moral of my story is this..... in no way shape or form is it "worth it" to even attempt to have any kind of lasting anything with BPD women. They have zero control and will take from you until you feel like your entire essence of who you are is completely gone and they won't have a care in the world. Please don't become as pathetic as I was, you will hate yourself for it.

She will eventually leave the kid with you. It may take a while, but it will happen. Borderlines structure their lives so as to continually re-live a traumatic abandonment in their own pasts, usually a parent leaving. My own bpd girl that I love, but am smart enough to not be with, is currently doing this with her kids, dumping them on their respective dads. She misses them, but she needs that feeling; it feeds her disorder.

BPD girls will always cheat. One of the characteristics of the disorder is a sense of disassociation when their man is not around. If your bpd girl is out drinking without you, she is definitely enjoying other guys. That's just how they work.

 

[dubAllStar]

First off, I would like to thank everybody who has posted information here. I seriously do not know what I would have done if I didn't have the information from this post - especially the replies from Kontroller and Jophil.

I did as instructed and went no contact with my ex-bpd. She would try to find reasons to contact and I would just ignore her. I ended up talking to her a bit simply because she called on work related issues (I have been out of town on business for the last three weeks), but I kept it short and business only - I never once inquired into her life, nor did she inquire into mine. She sent me text messages up to last Tuesday, basically hinting and mentioning things that would normally induce a response from me. Since Wednesday, they have stopped and all contact from her ceased until yesterday.

I blocked her on pretty much everything I could, but I made the mistake of not blocking one of her accounts on my emails chat. She hit me up talking about work, I replied, and then she told me that she "met someone" and how she no longer wants to date other men anymore, like she had originally told me weeks prior. I said congrats, but then she said some things that got me steaming. I ended up pissed and despite EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN TOLD and HAVE BEEN DOING, I fvcking called her and ranted and raved. I told her how she was manipulative, how she has lied to me, how she has been trying to get a reaction out of me by threatening to do drugs and drink (she knows I am not a fan of drug use or excessive alcohol abuse), etc... It was not my greatest moment, to say the least.

She just acted indifferent, as if I was immature by calling (maybe I was?), said she knows what her heart wants, and didn't argue with me - she just stayed calm, cool, and as if everything I was saying was complete BS and pointless. She kept asking me if she had to quit work because I couldn't act mature enough to be around her (I was being cool at work - she was the one acting like a cvnt for two weeks). I ended up hanging up on her and calling her back an hour later apologizing for my rudeness, but that everything I had said was true. My rational for the apology was simply that I didn't want to stoop to her level since I never have before. I later texted her "You win. You broke me," which is the same thing she said to me after I got back from my trip a month ago. She didn't respond and I doubt she will, being that she got what she wanted.

The whole thing just cracks me up. When she was on the phone, she said "well I am surprised you didn't know already, but then again you haven't been calling the office very often" as if someone there would have said anything to me anyways. It is almost as if she was trying to make it obvious to the office personell (there are only three other employees in the office, and one of them didn't know - I already spoke to her) so that I would somehow find out. Also, judging by the text messages I have been receiving, this whole "met someone" thing must have went down within a week and she is already in love, apparently.

I hate to vent these issues on here, but this place has pretty much been my therapy since I found this place. I have scoured posts for hours trying to make sense of the situation and it has helped immensely. I am cool over the whole situation right now, simply because I had a pep talk with myself (basically vocalizing what people have said on here before), but I do have a legitimate question here that I hope somebody can answer:

How do you possibly trust another woman after going through this crap? She was my longest LTR (albeit, completely fvcked up) and I never fell for somebody like I did for her. As it stands right now, I already feel as though I will have HUGE issues with trust when I enter my next relationship. Has anybody else dealt with this issue?

Thanks again, everybody.

 

[jophil28]

and HAVE BEEN DOING, I fvcking called her and ranted and raved. I told her how she was manipulative, how she has lied to me, how she has been trying to get a reaction out of me by threatening to do drugs and drink (she knows I am not a fan of drug use or excessive alcohol abuse), etc... It was not my greatest moment, to say the least.

THis is where and when you lost the high ground. In fact you lost all your power...you gave it back in a weak moment.
BPDs/HPDs will strain every muscle, stay up all night and spend every waking moments planning and scheming to get this kind of reaction from their victims. And you put your head right back into her beartrap.

Her telling you about the other guy is a cheap provocation designed to trigger your jealousy and get you raging. When she detects any jealous reaction, she WINS and you lose.
This tactic is one of the common give away signs of BPD women . They will ruthlessly play one guy (real or imagined) against another without a moment's hesitation. They are callous and vicious to an extent that you cannot begin to imagine, and it is all deliberate.

THis happened to me...
In JUly 2006, my BPD called me after a three week break up. I had walked away from her. SHe contacted me to "talk"... Of course, at that time I knew nothing about PDs or who or what I was dealing with. I believed what the self help 'priests' wrote about. That we should "talk it out ".
SO we talked for 5 hours in our regular booth at the coffee shop and we agreed to get back together. WE went out dining and dancing that night and she slept at my place until 9am the next morning... talk about make up sex!
Then next night we are together in the coffee shop and she drops this bomb..
" Jophil, when we were apart two weeks ago, I went to a party at Cecilia's place up on the coast. She fixed me up with B who was visiting from England. WE drank too much and smoked some dope and I passed out. Someone put me to bed and I woke up with B, BUT I am sure that we did not screw. I am so glad that I can drink a lot like that and not automatically have sex.""

At the time she told me this I was like a 'kangaroo in the headlights.'
I am thinking 'What do I say or do now " I said NOTHING and just tried to push it out of my mind BUT she had succeeded in doing her evil.. My mind was twisted with anger and resentment and bewilderment. SHe had grabbed the POWER and she did it with the INTENT to cause me pain...
These days I would just politely stand up, say "Excuse me " and slowly walk away without a backward glance because now I understand their fukked up need to cause harm to the one closest to them. They feel powerful by HARMING you.

It is important to make the distinction between regular girly shyte tests and the vicious mindfvcking which BPDS play as part of their SOP.
The scenario above about was not a shyte test as we know them . IT was a POWER play of the worst kind. She played in my most vulbnerable place ,..my emotional attachment to hers.
BPD women seek to create hurt and harm in their man and they do it habitually and with relish, intent and malice.
Negotiating and "communicating" is worthless, and yelling at them is giving them the reaction that they crave. Walking away in silence IS the only effective solution ..

 

[KontrollerX]

"How do you possibly trust another woman after going through this crap?"

Bible Belt is fond of saying when recovering from one of these women the real challenge is to try and not hold their behavior and what they are against other women.

This is incredibly difficult for many of us and myself especially as even though I know these women are crazy there is also a lot of truth in their behavior I see in normal women.

The need for drama, chaos, games, and imagined crises's to feed off of are simply the total lifeblood of Cluster B Personality Disordered women but the so called normal women seem to all need this sick sh!t as well.

Just not as much.

And all it does is create hassles that myself and other men do not want to fvcking deal with.

This is part of the reason I preach about the Tom Leykis show so much here.

He advocates just pumping and dumping all of them and if you are in the need of companionship buy a dog or a cat or just hang out with one of your fvck buddies for a while.

No need to slip the ring on the finger or make any one of them your girlfriend.

Relationships and marriages are for chicks and most benefit chicks.

So leave that sh!t to the chicks.

Women often talk callously about rich guys or playas parading their new "Barbie Doll" around but isn't that exactly what a woman does when she marries some guy?

Except in a woman's case it would be a "Ken Doll" that she can show off and say see look at my catch. I'm worth something.

*Vomits*