UGGhhh... *sigh*
My name's Vulpine, and, I have an ex who is BPD.
I wish I spotted this thread about two years ago.
I only wanted to contribute (or agree with previously mentioned but easily noticed) a few experiences to help. I was still fairly fresh in my DJ evolution, and this chick hooked me.
- In the pickup, I couldn't believe how blatant the IOI's were. I thought I was on a rampage! The initial hooking up was, indeed, TOO easy.
- During arguments (which typically stemmed from me holding her accountable for poor behavior) a BPD will flip-flop between rage against you and rage against themselves. "You're so controlling! You're right. I hate myself! I don't know what's wrong with me!" If you hear something resembling "I hate you because I hate myself", take notice. It's crazy, screaming at the top of their lungs, browbeating you, then bawling about how ƒucked up they are?
- I can't stress this enough: pay attention to their past. This goes for any and all women! Also, pay attention to their hobbies. BPD's have no "sense of self", so, they don't have hobbies of their own besides dating. They readily participate in things that you do, but, when asked, don't have any unique hobbies of their own. "I watch TV, read books, uh..." :nervous:
- "...brief but intense relationships..." My last BPD admitted to me around the 6 or 7 month mark: "This is the longest I've ever been with anyone." Yikes. Anyway, stories of crazy stalkers, like more than one, were there. Also, dudes blowing up her phone 24/7...
- Now, looking back, actions versus words stands out "differently". BPD's are masters of lying, so, there's always an alias. But, over time, I realized that she could never be shown how her behavior was "wrong". She couldn't see a problem with flaking, not coming home, or otherwise being impulsive and messing up plans. BPD's just don't empathize, in fact, they portray you as a villain for not trusting, not believing their words, and not turning yourself over entirely to them. Indeed, they manipulate you into living your life around them.
The end of the relationship came when I had finally had enough of the treatment. I (finally) came to the realization that "this is not how you treat someone you care about or want to be with". I had to step back and look at the overall treatment, because, catching them "red-handed" in a situation was virtually impossible. They twist and squirm; they manipulate and extort your emotions; and they lie or coerce others to lie for them. Ultimately, the whole relationship felt like a year-and-a-half long ONS.
And, someone mentioned "paint yourself black" as the way to get them to avoid you. This is really the only way. You demonstrate that you are "hip to their tricks, and they aren't going to work anymore". See, their whole social circle, and their family, are in their pockets and will only enable them to continue their behavior. They will deny any problems with THEM (the BPD) because they won't be able to justify or relate to your experiences: what they see is only the manipulation of the BPD, they typically don't have enough exposure, or are intimate enough with the BPD, to see it themselves. Unless someone else calls them out as BPD and someone you inform thinks "this isn't the first time I've heard that", chances are, you won't get any "sympathy". But, do it anyway, guys, if you are ever in this position. That way, someone else might just think: "this isn't the first time I've heard that".
In my case, after I had enough of her treatment (one night after a fight and flake-out), I mounted my guns and unleashed a fury of such magnitude that it would reduce her to dust. I carpet bombed her ass to destroy her world. "If this is how you love, then, your love SUCKS and I don't want it. ...I've been damn careful to avoid bar-sluts, and here you are, a coked-up bar-slut. DAMN, did you have me fooled!" Then, I proceeded to kick her out into the street.
The reason it works is, if there is any more contact, you will destroy her web of lies and she would lose the support of her family and friends. So, the BPD would rather be abandoned by the one person, who probably knows them best, than to lose the enabling of the people who are "under her spell".
I called her mother, e-mailed her stepfather, called her cousin, I let her real father know, and I let all of her friends know: "We broke up because she is BPD. Oh, and she's on coke." All of whom, of course, denied the problem.
Which, coincidentally, is partially the cause of BPD, in my conclusion.
Some psychiatrists believe that some of the cause lies in the "discounting" emotions of the person. In this chick's case, her father abandoned her through a divorce. Moreover, her mother was ultra-controlling: she ran nearly every aspect of this chick's life, regardless of the wants/needs/emotions of the chick! Now, you factor in some PTSD-type catalysts, in her case an abortion and a "he didn't stop when I told him no", and you've got yourself a twisted personality.
I feel hustled.
I really gave a lot to this con-artist. I was straight-up swindled, hornswoggled, and cheated out of nearly 2 years of my life.
But, thanks to this site, I can see it for what it is, and chalk it up to experience.
The sex WAS awesome (complained that I didn't ƒuck her in the ass enough), and I made her pay half the rent without being on the lease, so, there were some benefits.
Given the nature of the relationship, however, as much as I try to miss her, or worry about her, or wonder about her ƒucked up future...
...the ever-evolving DJ in me can't help but to scream: "ƒUCK THAT THIEF! SHE STOLE YOUR TIME, ATTENTION, EFFORTS, ENERGY, AND AFFECTION! SHE DIDN'T EARN IT, SHE STOLE IT! AND, ƒUCK THE PAST, TOO! DON'T LET IT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE!"
But the sex was awesome... I've got videos to prove it.
