Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

[wheelin&dealin]

Hello,

I used to be on this forum all the time back in 2002/2003 and it helped me considerably. I used my skills acquired here, to pick up a girl I've been dating for the past 3 years. I've recently run into some a sh*tload of problems. I take the "don't give a sh*t" attitude too far and I've done alot of stupid things to her. Like.. not going with her to a wedding because I wanted to party with my friends, not telling her that I love her ever, not spending enough time with her and doing the little things. We've been broken up for a few weeks and she tells me that she needs some time by herself to make a decision about what she wants to do. She broke up with me and I've just recently realized how much of a **** I was and how much I care about this girl. All the stupid stuff I've done in the past, I am completely regretful for. I've treated her so poorly and I've just finally realized it now. How can I make this better and prove to her that I'm not the cold-hearted idiot I was the past 3 years? Should I give her some time away from me?

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
Hello,

I used to be on this forum all the time back in 2002/2003 and it helped me considerably. I used my skills acquired here, to pick up a girl I've been dating for the past 3 years. I've recently run into some a sh*tload of problems. I take the "don't give a sh*t" attitude too far and I've done alot of stupid things to her. Like.. not going with her to a wedding because I wanted to party with my friends, not telling her that I love her ever, not spending enough time with her and doing the little things. We've been broken up for a few weeks and she tells me that she needs some time by herself to make a decision about what she wants to do. She broke up with me and I've just recently realized how much of a **** I was and how much I care about this girl. All the stupid stuff I've done in the past, I am completely regretful for. I've treated her so poorly and I've just finally realized it now. How can I make this better and prove to her that I'm not the cold-hearted idiot I was the past 3 years? Should I give her some time away from me?

Well, you could tell her the truth...that you love her and wanted your relationship to work so you followed some basic rules and advice that was more suited for dating short term than for a serious long term relationship. Then tell her you realize you made some mistakes and want to talk with her about what those are and what the things are she's not happy with.

Make some compromises as long as they aren't unreasonable to you and then change your ways more towards just not being clingy or needy, staying masculine without being an ass and making the effort to mix things up a bit by being spontaneous and not overly predictable while still being dependable.

A lot of the stuff here will destroy a LTR, especially one with a quality woman because as soon as a woman really loves you, these tactics HURT her. Hurt her enough and she'll leave you...even if she loves you.

 

[CherryBreaker]

re:

You're fine. Just don't show any regrets that she left you or else she'll feel that you no longer are a challenge. Pretend that other females are making contact with you.

BTW, you lost her because in a long term relationship, you need to take 2 steps ahead (show that you care) and take 1 step back (show that you can live w/o her / challenge).

Basically, you just kept on stepping back and back until you fell off her radar. Trust me, I've been there.

The ultimate step I didn't take was when my ex asked me to marry her (believe how challenging I was) and I thought about it and really didn't think she was marriage material. She had a kid, was older than me, and has an ex-husband.

 

[CherryBreaker]

re:

Also, you missed a great opportunity when she broke up with you. The best way to change a girl's mind is to agree with her. When she said that she wanted to break up, you should have said "Yeah, that's a good idea". Girls will always change their mind after that because they would expect you to grovel and beg for forgiveness.

 

[Wyldfire]

He should not act like he doesn't care if she left or pretend other women are in the picture.

She left because he wasn't doing enough to make her feel loved. If he does even more to make her feel unloved then she isn't going to want him back.

 

[Oblivious]

I wonder if Cherry Breaker has ever had a successful LTR. Definitely DJ seems to work in terms or temporary relationship or basically just to get a girl's attention. Once you have one you like and want a serious relationship with, certain rules just don't apply. Be honest with her and treat her like you want to treat her cause you are really into her. Not following rules by guys who can ever say they've experienced that sort of relationship before. You may very well lose her if you keep acting like an a$$ towards her.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Re: Re: Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Well, you could tell her the truth...that you love her and wanted your relationship to work so you followed some basic rules and advice that was more suited for dating short term than for a serious long term relationship. Then tell her you realize you made some mistakes and want to talk with her about what those are and what the things are she's not happy with.

Make some compromises as long as they aren't unreasonable to you and then change your ways more towards just not being clingy or needy, staying masculine without being an ass and making the effort to mix things up a bit by being spontaneous and not overly predictable while still being dependable.

A lot of the stuff here will destroy a LTR, especially one with a quality woman because as soon as a woman really loves you, these tactics HURT her. Hurt her enough and she'll leave you...even if she loves you.

I told her I love her after we broke up! It's the weirdess situation of all. I know that I have to change my attitude towards her drastically. The stuff you read on this site is great for short-term relationships but it doesn't make the cut in LTRs because women get sick of the "I don't care" attitude. They want to be loved.. and you can't try to pull this DJ sh*t 2-3 years into a relationship. It's obvious that women need emotional attachment at some point or else they will leave. I used the tactics here throughout my whole relationship.. and it wasn't as if I was reading up on this stuff from the site everyday. It was like after a while I turned into some emotionless, uncaring guy who only cared about himself and didn't give a sh*t about women.

This girl loved me a tonne and I don't even think I loved her because I couldn't get emotionally attached due to the way I acted. If you act like you don't give a sh*t, you mentally won't give a sh*t. It is only now that I realize how good of a girl I had. I think she may need some time away from me to figure things out. I'm definitely going to give her nothing but the truth and tell her how I feel(..which are obvious sins in a DJ sense).

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Re: Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
I told her I love her after we broke up! It's the weirdess situation of all. I know that I have to change my attitude towards her drastically. The stuff you read on this site is great for short-term relationships but it doesn't make the cut in LTRs because women get sick of the "I don't care" attitude. They want to be loved.. and you can't try to pull this DJ sh*t 2-3 years into a relationship. It's obvious that women need emotional attachment at some point or else they will leave. I used the tactics here throughout my whole relationship.. and it wasn't as if I was reading up on this stuff from the site everyday. It was like after a while I turned into some emotionless, uncaring guy who only cared about himself and didn't give a sh*t about women.

This girl loved me a tonne and I don't even think I loved her because I couldn't get emotionally attached due to the way I acted. If you act like you don't give a sh*t, you mentally won't give a sh*t. It is only now that I realize how good of a girl I had. I think she may need some time away from me to figure things out. I'm definitely going to give her nothing but the truth and tell her how I feel(..which are obvious sins in a DJ sense).

I honestly think just being honest is your best bet. You don't want to turn into a clingy and needy guy with your nose driven up her butt...but you've definitely got to find a balance if you want a relationship to work for the long term.

If you just say you're going to work harder it probably won't convince her that she should give it another go. That's why I think telling her the truth is your best shot here. If she realizes that you were following bad advice for your situation then she'll be more likely to give it another shot.

 

[crowes22]

Re: Re: Re: Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
It was like after a while I turned into some emotionless, uncaring guy who only cared about himself and didn't give a sh*t about women.

Ha ha ha. Yes this can certainly take place, I personally think it is a good thing. Look man, you can't do a thing. Forget honesty, I luv you and all that other crap. You already tried it right? Where did it get ya?

Sounds like this babe guilt tripped your ass into thinking it was all your fault, I've been there. It wasn't. It may be over, you'll get over it. You know the best way to get over a woman is to get over another one.

You'll be OK. Look grovelling to this woman will do no good. Her interest is in the gutter, if it wasn't you'd be together. Ignore her, trust me, it will save you time and grief.

 

[MindOverMatter]

Sometimes it's ok not to give a f*ck. When you're in a relationship that';s not serious, and you know it isn't going anywhere and you're just with her for sex or are killing time until a better girl comes along, not giving a f*ck is a zen like state of mind.

But when you are with someone for 3 years, that's a serious relationship man. it's a big time investment that runs on respect, communication and compromise.

If you are still not giving a f*ck after 3 years of being with a person, then you are not giving them the respect they've earned.

Say the situations were reversed, and one of your friends or cousins was getting married and you asked your girl to come with you. Instead of going with you, she decided notto give a f*ck and go clubbing with her girls. You'd prolly feel disrespected, and rightly so. Would this be a girl worth being with for another 3 years? Probably not.

What can you do? Well you can start showing more respect. Don't apologize like some 15 year old wuss and beg her to take you back, cause that will just give her more reason to slam the door in your face. Instead, be a man, admit that you're not perfect and have made some mistakes, and that you're willing to work things out and not let 3 years go to waste.

and if she isn't willing to work things out, give her a simple "ok that's cool, but remember, I was the one who was willing to fix things and not let 3 years go to waste."

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

Originally posted by crowes22
Ha ha ha. Yes this can certainly take place, I personally think it is a good thing. Look man, you can't do a thing. Forget honesty, I luv you and all that other crap. You already tried it right? Where did it get ya?

Sounds like this babe guilt tripped your ass into thinking it was all your fault, I've been there. It wasn't. It may be over, you'll get over it. You know the best way to get over a woman is to get over another one.

You'll be OK. Look grovelling to this woman will do no good. Her interest is in the gutter, if it wasn't you'd be together. Ignore her, trust me, it will save you time and grief.

crowes...I didn't suggest that he "grovel". I suggested that he communicate with her and find out if what she wants from him is withing the scope of what he finds reasonable and fair. He loves her and is saying that it's his fault for the split and that she's a high quality woman. Following the "rules" here for a LTR didn't serve him well...so continuing to follow them with this woman isn't going to get him what he wants.

You don't have to grovel and supplicate...you just have to be willing to give the woman what all women need in a LTR...love. If you can't give that you can't ever have a successful LTR with a woman.

 

[crowes22]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

Originally posted by Wyldfire
crowes...I didn't suggest that he "grovel". I suggested that he communicate with her and find out if what she wants from him is withing the scope of what he finds reasonable and fair. He loves her and is saying that it's his fault for the split and that she's a high quality woman. Following the "rules" here for a LTR didn't serve him well...so continuing to follow them with this woman isn't going to get him what he wants.

You don't have to grovel and supplicate...you just have to be willing to give the woman what all women need in a LTR...love. If you can't give that you can't ever have a successful LTR with a woman.

WF, It sounds as if he has already been grovelling to her and it has done no good! There's a shocker!

I've been in this situation, when a woman ends it, you must walk away totally. PERIOD. No communication. And you advise him to do exactly as SHE wants, which is for him to pign and grovel and declare his love and how fvcking wonderful she is and how he was such an idiot. It's over. WALK.

Now he may have been too hard in the rship, I'll grant that. They are give and take. But I know how women are very adept at making guys feel like it was all their fault in order to absolve themselves of guilt.

If the woman ends it, it is over....WALK AWAY.

 

[Oblivious]

She didn't say it was his fault. She's just gotten tired of not being appreciated and being given the attention and love that she's been trying to give him in the 3 years they've been together. She's just flat out tired. He realized on his own he was doing this girl wrong since he really likes her and wants to be with her. In a LTR, these DJ rules won't apply. No woman or man will put up with being at the tail end of those rules in a LTR. You use them to get the attention and define a foundation with a person, but once you've got them for the long term and its obvious they want to be with you because of who you are and not because some games and mind tricks you play, those rules just don't apply. At least not if you expect for the relationship to thrive.

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

Originally posted by crowes22
WF, It sounds as if he has already been grovelling to her and it has done no good! There's a shocker!

I've been in this situation, when a woman ends it, you must walk away totally. PERIOD. No communication. And you advise him to do exactly as SHE wants, which is for him to pign and grovel and declare his love and how fvcking wonderful she is and how he was such an idiot. It's over. WALK.

Now he may have been too hard in the rship, I'll grant that. They are give and take. But I know how women are very adept at making guys feel like it was all their fault in order to absolve themselves of guilt.

If the woman ends it, it is over....WALK AWAY.

crowes...she tolerated not feeling loved for 3 years. He obviously means a lot to her or she would have been gone a long time ago.

All she wants is for him to make her feel loved. Women NEED that in a LTR just like men NEED sex.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

I know the typical suggestion is to "drop that chick and get a new one". But, that doesn't work in an LTR. LTRs are so much different than short-term relationships. I'm not clingy and I've told her how I feel. I think she just needs some time to think through it. I am completely honest with her and I think that I am a changed man because of this. I never used to express emotion and now I've finally told the girl after 3 years that I finally love her. She's tolerated alot of sh*t in the past and I really want to prove to her that I have changed. I've told her that I am completely regretful of some of the stuff I've done to her and I truly mean that. I believe that after we spend some time together she will understand me. I'm taking her out for dinner on friday.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
I know the typical suggestion is to "drop that chick and get a new one". But, that doesn't work in an LTR. LTRs are so much different than short-term relationships. I'm not clingy and I've told her how I feel. I think she just needs some time to think through it. I am completely honest with her and I think that I am a changed man because of this. I never used to express emotion and now I've finally told the girl after 3 years that I finally love her. She's tolerated alot of sh*t in the past and I really want to prove to her that I have changed. I've told her that I am completely regretful of some of the stuff I've done to her and I truly mean that. I believe that after we spend some time together she will understand me. I'm taking her out for dinner on friday.

Good luck...post and let us know what happens.

 

[Ricky]

Man I feel you. I'm still in love with one of my exes. Not the one I dated for 3 years but one I dated for shorter.

I am going to have fun this fall, but I'm keeping in touch with her. If I can get back with her i will.

 

[crowes22]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
I never used to express emotion and now I've finally told the girl after 3 years that I finally love her. She's tolerated alot of sh*t in the past and I really want to prove to her that I have changed.

You have given her all she needs. A relationship w/ you. What more does she need? Wait, marriage, right? I'd say yes.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by crowes22
You have given her all she needs. A relationship w/ you. What more does she need? Wait, marriage, right? I'd say yes.

Again crowes...a woman NEEDS love in a relationship just as much as a man NEEDS sex.

 

[penkitten]

uh welcome back