Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

[Immaculate]

Originally posted by penkitten
i dont think she was trying to be an attention w****. i think she was sorting it thru and needed to buy some time to make a choice.
a choice is a 50/50 thing. you never know what you are going to get in the end. however instead of chosing a guy, she apparently had feelings for or she wouldnt have needed to decide, she decided to choose the newer relationship where everything is fresh and fluffy and contained a little more hope for whatever life path she wanted to be on.
yes, that pain hurts.
however there was nothing you could have done, and karma will catch up with her on its own time.
wish her well and wish her goodbye, life sucks sometimes and im sure it really did in that car that night.
you are better off now and you will be better off knowing that it didnt drag out into some really dramatic love triangle that lasted way too long.

yeah ... and to top it off that night she told me in these exact words "I will always love you, but I have moved on"...so she will always love me... But she is no more.. does she still love me or was that bull?

 

[Immaculate]

Originally posted by penkitten
i dont think she was trying to be an attention w****. i think she was sorting it thru and needed to buy some time to make a choice.
a choice is a 50/50 thing. you never know what you are going to get in the end. however instead of chosing a guy, she apparently had feelings for or she wouldnt have needed to decide, she decided to choose the newer relationship where everything is fresh and fluffy and contained a little more hope for whatever life path she wanted to be on.
yes, that pain hurts.
however there was nothing you could have done, and karma will catch up with her on its own time.
wish her well and wish her goodbye, life sucks sometimes and im sure it really did in that car that night.
you are better off now and you will be better off knowing that it didnt drag out into some really dramatic love triangle that lasted way too long.

yeah there was something I could have done... by NOT giving her the space like I did and reassured her I'll always be there for her... instead I made the inane statement "i'm not ready for at least 5 years"... I think that really did it in for me. If only I consoled her at that point in time, I could still be with her. I would have married this girl, she was perfect at the time... I mean perfect ... we clicked sooo good like I've never clicked with any other girl... that's why I'm having a hard time getting over this fiasco. I still foresee in the future her getting divrced from this guy (he was already divorced once from the mother of his child what does that tell you).. and who is she gonna come crying to then? She has no family or friends here I'm the nly person she could come to. Not that I'm waiting and hoping that happens, just something to ponder .. I need toget this girl out of my mind

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by Immaculate
. I need toget this girl out of my mind

yes i agree

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Originally posted by penkitten
whealin,
update us a little on the situation here.
it seems the gal came on home to you, let us know what happened.

Well, things were good for a while... and then they got weird. Apparently this chick kept alot of her feelings bottled up inside of her and never really gave me any hints as to what was wrong. Then one day BOOM! She couldn't take it anymore.

Even though this break-up could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. It caught me off guard. You'd think there'd be atleast a few warning signs. I guess my lack of emotional support drove her out of love with me, which is too bad because I realized my mistake. It was just too late to do anything. The damage had been done.

Her sister recently broke-up with her boyfriend and mysteriously our relationship problems happened when her sister moved in with her. Coincedence or no? Her sister is staying in the same room as her and the neverending BS that comes out of her mouth probably didn't help. People who are single want their friends to be single. I don't know.. All I can do is learn from my mistakes.

No point in pondering what could have been. Things will never be the same due to the resentment she has towards me. So, it's probably best to start over.

BTW.. I asked some broad out the other day. Turns out she had a boyfriend, but it felt great just getting back into it and seeing a girl's eyes light up. She gave me the "Wow, you want to take me out" look. I know, I know... I've still got it. haha

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Glad to hear that you aren't stewing in the past. For the sake of understanding what happened, the problem was that your apology wasn't enough; apologies are seldom enough.

Now before anyone loads up their flame throwers, let me explain what women want most when they are hurt. Women accept apologies but what they really want is to be understood.
Without that, they will stew and brood until they literally explode. Ever wonder why women remember your fvck ups for months after the deed? Your apologies weren't enough.

Guys, if you ever have this situation in a LTR and would like to retain the relationship, understand this; women are guided by emotion, deal with it effectively. THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IS WHEN SHE IS QUIET AS IF EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT. This is what men do, not women. When a woman is quiet, more times than not she's brooding.

Learn to say more than "I'm sorry." Let her tell you how it made her feel, even if you have to ask her. It'll be painful to listen to, but it's best to get her to let it out sooner than later. But that's not all, you need to literally parrot back to her what you heard her say, this is a key skill to show that you were listening and hopefully understood how it made her feel. Only after doing that will you have a chance of your apology working on any level.

I have to stress one thing though, DJing in a LTR is similar to the initial stages in getting to know a woman, but none the less there are adjustments that need to be made. W&D realizes what needs to be done differently. The rest of you should understand that too if you want to have a chance at being successful in a LTR.

 

[penkitten]

im very glad that whealin has figured out what happened and has decided its not worth obsessing over.
life is a book, take what you learn and use it in the next chapter.

fransico, your reply was great.
you know how to word the silent treatment where any guys that read it can understand it.

 

[Crowes]

told ya. BTW good job sucking it up and moving on Wheelin. Good luck.

 

[Wyldfire]

Sometimes if a woman is left upset and feeling unloved and unappreciated for too long it does destroy her feelings for the man. About the only time that doesn't happen to some extent is when she has gotten to the point where she genuinely loves the man. That's a bit different than infatuation, feeling "in love" or falling into a comfortable pattern. In order for a woman to reach the point of genuine love she has to build a deep emotional connection with the man. Since you were too distant in your attempt to keep the relationship, you ended up sabotaging any chance you had to hold onto this woman. This is why it is so important to adjust how you handle a long term relationship. Being distant and acting like you don't care can help initially...but it just won't cut the mustard if you want to have anything long term that's going to last.

It's good not to try to hold on. If this woman truly loved you in the way that will actually hold things together for the long haul she would have fought harder to salvage the relationship. Instead, she gave up.

Your best bet is to take this as a lesson learned...do NOT play games in a LTR. If the woman doesn't feel loved you'll keep repeating this same pattern over and over again. Men here don't understand that it's not the "rules" here that make or break your success in relationships. If you all would be open about your intentions from the start, have enough self respect to refuse to let anyone walk all over you or mistreat you and be a good person who is willing to give an equal amount as what you take you'd have no real need for sites like this one.

Francisco...women don't need men to understand them. They just need the man to listen, show emotional support and love and NOT try to give advice or solve things for her. Women are very different from men when they discuss things. Men tend to only discuss problems with others when they are stuck and are looking for a solution. With women, they work out the solution on their own during the process of talking about it. They only need a caring ear who will tell them it's going to be okay and never offer advice about what to do unless asked.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Sometimes if a woman is left upset and feeling unloved and unappreciated for too long it does destroy her feelings for the man. About the only time that doesn't happen to some extent is when she has gotten to the point where she genuinely loves the man. That's a bit different than infatuation, feeling "in love" or falling into a comfortable pattern. In order for a woman to reach the point of genuine love she has to build a deep emotional connection with the man. Since you were too distant in your attempt to keep the relationship, you ended up sabotaging any chance you had to hold onto this woman. This is why it is so important to adjust how you handle a long term relationship. Being distant and acting like you don't care can help initially...but it just won't cut the mustard if you want to have anything long term that's going to last.

It's good not to try to hold on. If this woman truly loved you in the way that will actually hold things together for the long haul she would have fought harder to salvage the relationship. Instead, she gave up.

Your best bet is to take this as a lesson learned...do NOT play games in a LTR. If the woman doesn't feel loved you'll keep repeating this same pattern over and over again. Men here don't understand that it's not the "rules" here that make or break your success in relationships. If you all would be open about your intentions from the start, have enough self respect to refuse to let anyone walk all over you or mistreat you and be a good person who is willing to give an equal amount as what you take you'd have no real need for sites like this one.

Francisco...women don't need men to understand them. They just need the man to listen, show emotional support and love and NOT try to give advice or solve things for her. Women are very different from men when they discuss things. Men tend to only discuss problems with others when they are stuck and are looking for a solution. With women, they work out the solution on their own during the process of talking about it. They only need a caring ear who will tell them it's going to be okay and never offer advice about what to do unless asked.

Well said. Lesson learned.