Haven't been here since 2002 and I need advice..

[crowes22]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Again crowes...a woman NEEDS love in a relationship just as much as a man NEEDS sex.

Alright WF, define that exactly for us guys so that we can stop screwing up. NEEDS love, that is.

 

[MacAvoy]

Originally posted by MindOverMatter

If you are still not giving a f*ck after 3 years of being with a person, then you are not giving them the respect they've earned.

What can you do? Well you can start showing more respect. Don't apologize like some 15 year old wuss and beg her to take you back, cause that will just give her more reason to slam the door in your face. Instead, be a man, admit that you're not perfect and have made some mistakes, and that you're willing to work things out and not let 3 years go to waste.

and if she isn't willing to work things out, give her a simple "ok that's cool, but remember, I was the one who was willing to fix things and not let 3 years go to waste."

I completely agree, you have to be honest, explain to her that you made mistakes, realized them now and are willing to improve. But it is imperative that you are cool about it, willing to walk away (or appear so, give her the space), but also throw it back in her face, that your not the one now who is throwing away the 3 years, if you say that, it'll eat her away inside, if she doesn't come back, it will be on her conscious that she threw it away. You have to give her the love/respect she deserves, but also be a man, show her what she has to lose, its hers to throw away.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by crowes22
Alright WF, define that exactly for us guys so that we can stop screwing up. NEEDS love, that is.

If a woman loves you and has told you that she loves you...if you don't tell her sometimes it will push her away. If you don't show the affection and attention she needs, she won't feel loved, will be unhappy and will test you and create conflict in order to get any attention at all. As soon as some other guy starts giving her the things you aren't she will see that she can get what she needs elsewhere, will become more and more dissatisfied and will dump you eventually.

There is a fine balance in how much attention and affection you gve a woman in a LTR. If you don't give enough she will test and create drama...so to find the balance you increase the affection/attention until she stops the testing and drama. That's the amount of "loving gestures" she needs to be content without feeling smothered. If you over do it (like AFCs do) then you suffocate her and she senses that you are too needy...and as a result, less masculine.

If men understood how to find that proper balance (not too little and not too much) they would have much longer lasting relationships with far less drama and testing. That's the most important skill to have for a LTR.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Originally posted by penkitten
uh welcome back

Why thank you. I remember you from way back when too.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
If a woman loves you and has told you that she loves you...if you don't tell her sometimes it will push her away. If you don't show the affection and attention she needs, she won't feel loved, will be unhappy and will test you and create conflict in order to get any attention at all. As soon as some other guy starts giving her the things you aren't she will see that she can get what she needs elsewhere, will become more and more dissatisfied and will dump you eventually.

There is a fine balance in how much attention and affection you gve a woman in a LTR. If you don't give enough she will test and create drama...so to find the balance you increase the affection/attention until she stops the testing and drama. That's the amount of "loving gestures" she needs to be content without feeling smothered. If you over do it (like AFCs do) then you suffocate her and she senses that you are too needy...and as a result, less masculine.

If men understood how to find that proper balance (not too little and not too much) they would have much longer lasting relationships with far less drama and testing. That's the most important skill to have for a LTR.

You're a frickin genius! If I only had your knowledge a few months ago, I wouldn't have screwed up my life so badly.

My girlfriend would ALWAYS create drama to try to get me to open up more emotionally! Now I understand what was going on. Wow!!

Women need emotional support.

Men need sex.

It's so easy, yet I didn't understand it all. And this girl put up with my a$$ for 3 years. Pffft.. How many chances did she give me that I didn't pick up on?

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
You're a frickin genius! If I only had your knowledge a few months ago, I wouldn't have screwed up my life so badly.

My girlfriend would ALWAYS create drama to try to get me to open up more emotionally! Now I understand what was going on. Wow!!

Women need emotional support.

Men need sex.

It's so easy, yet I didn't understand it all. And this girl put up with my a$$ for 3 years. Pffft.. How many chances did she give me that I didn't pick up on?

lol...once men figure this one little thing out they have a much, much easier time in relationships. It's not about challenge and games...it's all about the balance. Unfortunately, most women don't even understand this themselves, let alone have the ability to communicate it to men in a way they can understand.

 

[juaneo]

I feel your pain man, wyldfire has hit the nail on the head with that one as regards not giving enough affection and attention.

I went through exactly the same thing about 5 years ago when I wouldn't commit to an ex, basically she replaced me with someone else who she is now married to. At the time I was GUTTED and did the same as you to try and get her back.

However looking back, in the long run things have worked out for the best, now I'm glad I never settled with her and realise that there are other women out there who I am far more compatible with.

Just hang on in there, things will get better.

 

[SAYNO]

I agree with Crowes

Dude the last advice you need to listen to is a womens!

I even stopped reading wyldfire posts. A women will lead you astray when it comes to advice about another women.


Believe it or not crowes gave you the best advice for three reasons:


A.If she really didn't like the treatment you gave her; she wouldn't have been with you in the first place.

B.Her interest level has plummetedand becuase she has met someone else


C. Most american women aren't worth getting married too or serious with anway, because of the feminist mindset so prevelant nowdays!


She is probably dating some wimpy afc guy now, she needs to be in control, and she got upset that she couldn't control you.

If you don't have children with this person, let it go.

Sayno'

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: I agree with Crowes

Originally posted by SAYNO
Dude the last advice you need to listen to is a womens!

I even stopped reading wyldfire posts. A women will lead you astray when it comes to advice about another women.


Believe it or not crowes gave you the best advice for three reasons:


A.If she really didn't like the treatment you gave her; she wouldn't have been with you in the first place.

B.Her interest level has plummetedand becuase she has met someone else


C. Most american women aren't worth getting married too or serious with anway, because of the feminist mindset so prevelant nowdays!


She is probably dating some wimpy afc guy now, she needs to be in control, and she got upset that she couldn't control you.

If you don't have children with this person, let it go.

Sayno'

My advice was geared toward LTRs. He's already determined this girl is someone who is worth the little bit of extra effort. He knows that I am a woman because I was an active member of this forum when he was here before.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Re: I agree with Crowes

Originally posted by SAYNO
A.If she really didn't like the treatment you gave her; she wouldn't have been with you in the first place.

B.Her interest level has plummetedand becuase she has met someone else


C. Most american women aren't worth getting married too or serious with anway, because of the feminist mindset so prevelant nowdays!


She is probably dating some wimpy afc guy now, she needs to be in control, and she got upset that she couldn't control you.

If you don't have children with this person, let it go.

Sayno'

I appreciate your effort but those are really rediculous statements. I know the main theme to this forum is dump your chick and find a new one if she doesn't like the way you treat her, but things in a LTR are completely different. You don't just throw away 3 years of your life because of a simple problem.

 

[SAYNO]

Ignore to Your Own Peril!

wheelin&dealin:

What you seem to be missing is that she has moved on!

Let me spell it out for you:

Its over, you have absolutley no chance of rekindeling this relationship.

Her intrest level in you has dropped below the 50% threshold!

Go ahead and make a fool out of yourself if you want to its your life!




Sayno"

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Ignore to Your Own Peril!

Originally posted by SAYNO
wheelin&dealin:

What you seem to be missing is that she has moved on!

Let me spell it out for you:

Its over, you have absolutley no chance of rekindeling this relationship.

Her intrest level in you has dropped below the 50% threshold!

Go ahead and make a fool out of yourself if you want to its your life!




Sayno"

She's going to dinner with him, so no...her interest level didn't drop. He made it clear that he was NOT doing his part to maintain the relationship. That is why she left. He CAN work this out and he WANTS To work it out. LTRs have ups and downs and you can't just bail every time, especially over something that is easily resolved.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Re: Ignore to Your Own Peril!

Originally posted by SAYNO
wheelin&dealin:

What you seem to be missing is that she has moved on!

Let me spell it out for you:

Its over, you have absolutley no chance of rekindeling this relationship.

Her intrest level in you has dropped below the 50% threshold!

Go ahead and make a fool out of yourself if you want to its your life!




Sayno"

We're back together now. I told her how I felt about her and that I didn't give her any emotional support in the past. I told her I completely understand what she wants out of this relationship, I know what was missing and I know how to make her happy. I got her a card, some cheap earrings and a necklace and treated her like gold the whole time we were out(without kissing a$$). She was amazed and I could see that all she really wanted from me was to understand her and to connect with her emotionally. Up to this point, it has been her that has been telling me she loved and I would give her nothing back. Now that she understands that I care about her, she seems happier than ever. Everything she's done to me in our relationship seems to be a cry for attention. She needs that connection that Wyldfire pointed out so clearly. I really doubt that she would have left a 3-year relationship without giving me a second chance to redeem myself. This is just a wake-up call. The lesson I learned is that women need that emotional connection and if they don't have it, how do they know the guy they're with isn't going to leave them in the future. It's a protective mechanism, especially when kids are involved.

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Ignore to Your Own Peril!

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
We're back together now. I told her how I felt about her and that I didn't give her any emotional support in the past. I told her I completely understand what she wants out of this relationship, I know what was missing and I know how to make her happy. I got her a card, some cheap earrings and a necklace and treated her like gold the whole time we were out(without kissing a$$). She was amazed and I could see that all she really wanted from me was to understand her and to connect with her emotionally. Up to this point, it has been her that has been telling me she loved and I would give her nothing back. Now that she understands that I care about her, she seems happier than ever. Everything she's done to me in our relationship seems to be a cry for attention. She needs that connection that Wyldfire pointed out so clearly. I really doubt that she would have left a 3-year relationship without giving me a second chance to redeem myself. This is just a wake-up call. The lesson I learned is that women need that emotional connection and if they don't have it, how do they know the guy they're with isn't going to leave them in the future. It's a protective mechanism, especially when kids are involved.

I'm glad things worked out for you. Unless a man is abusive, cheats or is seriously doing something wrong a woman who leaves a LTR almost always leaves it for the same reason...she doesn't feel loved and her emotional needs aren't being met.

Just remember to find a healthy balance and just adjust enough so she doesn't have to force you to give her attention.

 

[SAYNO]

You'll Be Back!

Its always a bad sign when a womans leaves a man first!

You'll be back in about 6 months to a year complaining that she left you again.

Wanna put some money on it??????




Sayno'

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Re: You'll Be Back!

Originally posted by SAYNO
Its always a bad sign when a womans leaves a man first!

You'll be back in about 6 months to a year complaining that she left you again.

Wanna put some money on it??????




Sayno'

Why the negativety man? Is there really anything you're trying to prove by coming on here and gumming me about my relationship? I came on here for advice by knowledgeable people, which I got. I didn't come here to have useless nonsense thrown in my face. Sense you were completely wrong on your last post, what are the chances you'd be correct on this post?

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
Why thank you. I remember you from way back when too.

i remember you from the good old days too.

saw the update that you and your gf are back together.

remember the formula :
emotional support + sex = good relationship

 

[crowes22]

Sorry W&D, my prediction is you get smoked. Good luck. If you don't, it'll be b/c you have sacrificed your life to supplicatory behavior, hard labor, and debt service. Have fun.

If a woman leaves you, YOU WALK AWAY TOTALLY!

She has lost respect for you as a man, she has put you in 'loser' category, read the start of my post to see where that will land you. I don't care if you are back w/ her or not. You are in for a life of working your ass off to support this woman. If you are cool w/ that, so be it, I wish you all the best. You were not born a slave, yet you actively choose to be one, beyond me personally.

 

[Wyldfire]

What some of you fail to understand is that the things this site tells you to do will destroy a long term relationship if you continue to implement them.

The information and rules you learn here are intended to help you weed out the wrong kind of women until you find one who will be worthwhile for you to invest your time, effort and ideally, your love in. Although some of you are only interested in screwing anything that looks twice at you...there are quite a few guys on here whose goals are to find one good woman for a LTR. W&D used the info here to weed through the wrong kind of women until he found one that he felt was worth him making an effort on. He has invested 3 years of his life on this relationship. He realized that the problems in the relationship were essentially HIS fault. People make mistakes all the time and you guys are no exception. He was not showing this woman that he valued her and loved her, and as a result she got disgusted and left because she felt like she was wasting her time. Basically, she felt exactly what each and every one of you feel when you have devoted a substantial amount of time on a woman only to get screwed over in the end.

A VERY important tool to learn for ALL of you here is to learn how to recognize, own, admit and be willing to fix (if you can) the mistakes that you make. Sometimes it IS your fault things don't work.

To those of you who foolishly believe that you are going to find some great woman who will give, give and give some more when all you ever do is take, take, take and give nothing back...don't hold your breath. You're never going to be able to sustain a LTR until you recognize that you DO have to put forth some effort and fulfill that woman's needs, too.

Sex is to men what emotional fulfillment is to women. A healthy, happy and quality relationship requires that both partners' needs are met.

Yes, a woman is going to need attention and affection because she NEEDS to feel loved in a relationship. All women are different regarding the level of these things that they need. If you are someone who doesn't want to have to give very much attention and affection then you should only get involved with women who only need up to the amount you are capable of and willing to give.

Now...nobody should be busting W&D's balls for wanting to take responsibility for his mistakes and try to fix things. He is approaching his situation in the way he feels is best for what HE wants and for what his long term goals are. If you don't agree with him that's because you have different goals. Since his goal is to have a good LTR, if that isn't YOUR goal as well, then you really shouldn't offer him advice that will not help him attain HIS goal.

 

[SoCalMike]

Wyld,

I think what most of the guys here are trying to say is that once you've reached the point W&D has, there's not much of a chance of fixing things. I would have to agree.

When someone dumps you, and then you get back together promising them that "you'll change for the better", how often does that lead to a happy LTR? I've never heard of a single case of that happening. The odds are stacked heavily against him.

Not trying to sound negative, but let's just be realistic here.