Getting over a heartbreak

[SecondHalf]

How do you guys deal with this (or used to before the armor grew)?

Do you start light dating again?
Work on yourself & bod?

I'm hurting here guys, I could use some voices.

Thanks,

SH

 

[Three]

SH - Sorry to hear you're going through this again. It's never easy. Trust me, I know how it feels. This is my first weekend alone after my second wife moved out.

It sucks. All I can say is, keep busy. Do good things for yourself. Don't crawl into a bottle. Work out. Socialize. Cook. Get some things done around the house. Read. Take a class. Don't focus on getting the next woman. Work on your inner game without any thought to replacing that woman in your life.

We have to be happy with ourselves first. We have to be able to do fulfilling things and live a satisfying life without relying on a woman.

It's really hard to achieve that now in the pain of a breakup, but that's the goal. You can do this. You're OK. Everything will be OK.

 

[betheman]

Whats the backgound to the breakup?

 

[Nutz]

Stay occupied mentally and physically. If you're up for it, date a bunch of women in rapid-fire succession. The more exposure to other women you have, the less preoccupied you'll be on your ex and what happened. Just don't expect anything to happen with this first batch of women since you'll still be off your game. After a few months you'll be better though.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

1. Lift weights (I cannot over emphasize how important this is not only for your body, but for your head)
2. Walk every day (once again, good for the body and the head)
3. Eat better
4. Look up old friends
5. Talk to your male friends, they can help you
6. Make plans, don't leave yourself stranded in your place alone at night
7. Talk to women and don't be afraid to say whatever you want to say
8. Work on self improvement, get a little bit better every day
9. Take up a sport, dancing lessons, etc
10. Re-establish relationships with your family

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear SH,
Look it's like falling off a Horse,you just get straight back up there...Studies show you lose any set of Social Skills in about six weeks...believe me,just Network and even if they are below your standard, get in there...Sure lift weights,and go to dance lessons...Just don't get maudlin!!!

 

[SecondHalf]

Whats the backgound to the breakup?

Two bad texts, drunken texts at an unforgivable time.

I'm new to crazy. This realization that I'm new here, and don't belong shows me that maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
We were talking co-habitation, life couldn't see better (with some help from Mr. Denial).

I guess the biggest issue for me right now, is I'm left feeling so empty.
WTF is that?
Answer: I'm using women to feel good about myself.
Uggh, I've got issues.

Makes no sense either: I'm fit, 6'1", all hair, an 8, make 200k / year, have big house central large city, drive new Benz c350 ....
And I feel lost 'cause some woman left me.

I think I need to build up myself (in just about all ways).
Feck, how did I get like this?

SH

 

[SecondHalf]

Dear SH,
Look it's like falling off a Horse,you just get straight back up there...Studies show you lose any set of Social Skills in about six weeks...believe me,just Network and even if they are below your standard, get in there...Sure lift weights,and go to dance lessons...Just don't get maudlin!!!

I'm liking your suggestion Scar.
Just jump right back in there?
That part I'm very good at.
I want to learn the strength and resistance that you men on this forum seem to have against falling for these women.
Love just isn't worth it.

SH

 

[easun]

Makes no sense either: I'm fit, 6'1", all hair, an 8, make 200k / year, have big house central large city, drive new Benz c350 ....

Have you had this stuff before? (besides the looks) I learned early on that financial status is overrated. So I guessing she probably thinks she can find another 8 on the looks scale who "cares about her more" and/or has higher social status. The money doesn't really factor into it as much (sorry - this is just from my own experience [I was making $250k at 23 - thanks to the Internet] and speaking about younger women [<25]. Money probably matters more to older women. How much, though, I have no idea. I'm still guessing financial status is tertiary for most women. Social status is probably secondary.)

 

[SecondHalf]

Have you had this stuff before? (besides the looks) I learned early on that financial status is overrated. So I guessing she probably thinks she can find another 8 on the looks scale who "cares about her more" and/or has higher social status. The money doesn't really factor into it as much (sorry - this is just from my own experience [I was making $250k at 23 - thanks to the Internet] and speaking about younger women [<25]. Money probably matters more to older women. How much, though, I have no idea. I'm still guessing financial status is tertiary for most women. Social status is probably secondary.)

Ya, I've had it a while. My ex of 15 years enjoyed it back then, I drove a neon
I'm desperately waiting for the anger to kick in.
Then my head will clear.

One thing is clear, this can never never never happen to me again.

The other ugly thought that keeps dancing in the back of my head, is what if she wants back? If she phoned this moment, I'd be powerless to refuse her.

What if I wanted her back. Just go ghost, then send her flowers on her Birthday with a hand written card?

Uggh, If I didn't have to work the late shift, I'll eat another handful of V's and sleep through today.

ps: feel free to yell and shame me into a positive action.


SH

 

[SecondHalf]

What I'm really having trouble wrapping my head around, is how her feelings go from soooooo intense to no contact so quickly.
Is she suffering too, or does having the frame give sooo much strength.

A big void is the daily contact.
Pretty alone.

Had a bad weekend at work (sad the timing), so I don't even have the energy to get mad. Uggh.

Worst, fastest, most final dumping I ever got.


SH

 

[easun]

What I'm really having trouble wrapping my head around, is how her feelings go from soooooo intense to no contact so quickly.
Is she suffering too, or does having the frame give sooo much strength.

Solipsism? Actually, you are on to something regarding having the frame making it easier. In the relationships where you cared about your partner less, wasn't it much easier to just walk away?

A big void is the daily contact.
Pretty alone.

Another key piece of the puzzle. You relied on her for much of your social contact. This is probably one reason why men commit suicide at greater rates after divorce; they have a smaller social network. But it needn't be that way.

 

[SecondHalf]

Solipsism? Actually, you are on to something regarding having the frame making it easier. In the relationships where you cared about your partner less, wasn't it much easier to just walk away?



Another key piece of the puzzle. You relied on her for much of your social contact. This is probably one reason why men commit suicide at greater rates after divorce; they have a smaller social network. But it needn't be that way.

More Grim words I have never read.
I'm tempted to fire up the online profile and go snake for a spell.
I sure get alot of attention. Doesn't solve the problem with me, but it will do something to illiterate this pain.

Funny, the oddest thing happened today. An old flame emailed me out of the blue. Haven't spoke hardly in 17 years (absolutely no reason for it).

I dumped on her and she wants to fly up from her state and visit me for a week. She's married and a real religious woman (the only one I've ever known), but its just pretty serendipitous.
She still looks great too!

Odd.

SH

 

[drak_ool]

SecondHalf, your thread/story is so similar to mine it's scary! I understand your pain and I know how you feel right now.

I'm still dealing with the emotions from when my gf of 2.5 yrs left me at the beginning of this year. Same as you, on the surface it seems like she went from intense love and straight-up adoration of me (we were supposed to get married this year and she was raving about it) to ice cold no contact. But looking back at it, I could see the signs were in the water, it's just that at the time I didn't want to acknowledge them for what they were (and how can you?).

I can't say that I'm fully over her now, and I also wrestle with the question of what would I do if she did a 180 turnaround and ran back to me, even though it's been over 3 months of no contact now. But I'm in a much better mental state, have hooked up with 7 chicks since her and also considerably expanded my social/professional network.

Here's some things I've done that helped me:

1. re-read Herman Hesse's "Siddartha". It's not an easy read, but it was definitely the spark that I needed to help me move on from a "philosophical" point of view.
2. started working out/swimming again, at least 4 times a week. Great for your physical tone and mental energy.
3. hit up bar/clubs, got drunk and hooked up with random hot chicks.
4. got back in touch with a girl who I can connect with on more than just a superficial level. Been seeing her here and there, with an understanding that we're taking things one day at a time, no commitment.
5. strengthened ties with old friends I hadn't been paying as much attention to when I had a gf.
6. focused on growing my professional network. Incidentally, been getting great responses from women, even though I only (lightly) flirt with them on a "professional" level.
7. moved into a new city and made new friends/social acquaintances.
8. took some trips with the boys (Vegas is always a good time!)
9. focused on inner growth and especially developing my active/emphatic listening skills. This works great with women, but also with anybody you're interacting with in your daily life.
10. self-medicating. This one will prob get frowned upon by some, and it's true that if you can't break out of it, it will become a drag on you. But in the very beggining, it's just so much easier to smoke/drink every night until you pass out instead of staying up overthinking your failed relationship. Personally I am weary of vicodin since I got addicted to it following a bad injury...
11. once I got past this phase^^^ I just tried to go out as much as I can, be it with friends or women, even if I'm not that interested in them, just to get out of the house and improve/rekindle my social skills.

Hope this helps and good luck!

 

[SecondHalf]

Thank you, only strengthens my resolve.
She will regret it in 100 different ways.
Someday.

 

[Von_S]

Thank you, only strengthens my resolve.
She will regret it in 100 different ways.
Someday.

Yes living well is the best revenge. I admit part of me is driven by an "I'll show you" attitude. Not sure if it's 100% healthy but since it's part of the fuel in my self improvement gas tank than it can't hurt. Life is short and it's only getting shorter, a woman who treats you like that doesn't deserve to be a part of yours.

 

[drak_ool]

Yes living well is the best revenge. I admit part of me is driven by an "I'll show you" attitude. Not sure if it's 100% healthy but since it's part of the fuel in my self improvement gas tank than it can't hurt.

I definitely had that going after my breakup from my college gf. At first I was hooking up with a bunch of chicks and posting pictures on facebook to "show her." After a while though, I realized that I simply did not care about her anymore, nor did I care to show her anything at all.

It was really funny to run into her the other day and realize from the small talk that in the past 5 years she got some BS masters in cooking (are you fckin serious?), hasn't had a real job just kinda bumming off her parents, and is about to marry an effeminate looking older dude. Forget about show her off, I almost felt bad telling her about what I've been up to, since I've achieved so much more than her since we last spoke.

so ya, the "show her" attitude is a good motivation at first since it forces you to work on yourself. Hopefully though as time passes you find that motivation whithin yourself instead of doing it to "impress" an ex.

 

[SecondHalf]

Thank you, only strengthens my resolve.
She will regret it in 100 different ways.
Someday.

Actually, I what I mean by this is I treated her very well.
I sexed her like never before, I was very attentive.
She never once busted me checking out other females so assumed that she was the only woman in the world.
When she climbs back into the dating world (if she hasn't already - b1tch), nobody will compare. Different maybe, but not the same. I put her on a constant high (I've boundless energy and am a very upbeat, playful guy).

Now I just have to let the addiction wear off. Uggh that's the tough part.
I've disposed of all reminders. She still has something of mine that she has to return. She's to leave it on my front porch, but as yet has not.
Feck, I need the stupid thing for a renovation I'm about to start. But don't want to break NC.

Wonder if she's hanging on it to be a C2NT and can show up later.
This stupid ponderings I don't need.

I've survived the weekend and this horrible system release I had a work. I've chewed 25 Lorazepam over the last 3 days so that's numbed me up a bit, but those gotta go.

I have a couple of female friends that would like to come and help me out, keep me company, but I worry about that big time. I'm pretty gullible and vulnerable right now and would be easy plucking.

I'll likely start the Gym on Wednesday as I dare not push a weight with so many of those downs still in my system. Tomorrow I have a dinner with an old friend, so maybe Wednesday.

Drag being 49. I can't push the crap out of the weights like I used to. I have to worry about injury :s

SH

 

[Gro0ver]

1. Lift weights (I cannot over emphasize how important this is not only for your body, but for your head)
2. Walk every day (once again, good for the body and the head)
3. Eat better
4. Look up old friends
5. Talk to your male friends, they can help you
6. Make plans, don't leave yourself stranded in your place alone at night
7. Talk to women and don't be afraid to say whatever you want to say
8. Work on self improvement, get a little bit better every day
9. Take up a sport, dancing lessons, etc
10. Re-establish relationships with your family

Nice list Augustus, rep given.

After my LTR finished (not exactly the same as I initiated the breakup but still hurt somewhat) I joined a salsa dance class and let me tell you, great fun and there are loads of single girls there it's also very useful to have in your arsenal on a Saturday night.

 

[SecondHalf]

So, I'm dealing with this ... sort of.
One thing is clear is that all my disposable time I devoted to this woman.

I'm finding myself looking for reasons to text, ask a question, send a hand written letter on her near birthday. I question that she's secretly hoping I'll call and is just waiting for it. ****, I'm torturing myself.

She owes me a shop vac that she borrowed and I instructed her to leave it on my front porch (4 days later, nothing). I need it back, I've a reno project about to start in my house. Why is she sitting on it??? Should I just buy a new one?

We agreed that we would swap pictures that each of us have - so far nothing.
Last time I did this first, the other chick never bothered, didn't want to initiate.

I'm not really able to keep myself to busy with working out yet due to time constraints, but I am sticking to two rules....
No booze!
No contact.

If any of you want to comment (not looking for what I want to hear), but rather reinforce it's hopeless and let the last grip Mr. Denial has on me slip off, I'm all ears!

Thanks,

SH