Getting over a heartbreak

[SecondHalf]

I've never gone to this extreme before, but I think in this case I will.
I'm going to delete all electronic memories of her.
Not put them on a key, but delete them.

For sure I won't talk to her again, but I really have to purge the last 8 months as it were a bad dream.
I really made an effort with this turkey.

I don't think I can go exclusive with another woman for a very long time. I just can't seem to keep them. Turn AFC at some point in the relationship and jail myself.

What I need to learn is how to be indifferent to what they're doing when I'm not with them. Love must come very very slow. The only way I see myself accomplishing that is to spin plates (wet), but exclusivity (my ultimate goal) will never be attained that way.

I pick them up very well, but then somehow turn ... nice.

I wish there was a boot camp for old dudes, I'd certainly do that.

SH

 

[betheman]

Feck!
It's the void...

When you have someone in the background, especially one you were planning a future with, then nothing, you have this huge void....


Then when she's gone, I've been halved....

I can never let this happen again...

Yeah! realise something here though, that void was there even before you met her, we all have a bit of a void to a greater or lesser degree.

you had a big void, you filled it with this woman, mistakenly, then when she goes, there is this huge chasm you are left looking up from.

its unhealthy to invest so much of yourself into one woman, you must have other sh1t going on, stuff that doesnt involve her.
Ive been where you are, many of us have, what you are doing now is loking back, you still view her as that thing that made you happy, gave life purpose, motivated you. those things you should have without her, those are the things you need now and to grasp.
set yourself goals, short term, step by step goals, some medium term goals and long term goals, go for them, is there anything you really wanted to try but never t round to it?
go and do it or at least attempt to, you need to be distracted from her and striving for more purpose will do that.
get invloved in charity events, you wil stop feeling sorry for yourself when you see some of the serous sh!t people have going on in their lives.

a month or so ago I visited a friend in hospital, recovering (thank god) from Luekemia, in the next bed, a younger guy, had 3 relapses of the same thing, in his 20's, he had a young child, we found out last week he died, I never spoke to him but Im gutted.

Life is very short, your life is your life, you have choices and options...what are you going to do with them?
spend wisely

 

[SecondHalf]

^^^^^ Agreed.

When I divorced from a 15 year marriage in 2010, I never rebuilt my life up sufficiently. I worked out, changed myself then went out on a wild dating/humping frenzy.

Other than make myself more attractive to the shallower side of a woman's needs, I didn't do one thing to improve my life for just me.
Everything was a prop to nail more women (which I did with a lot of success).

My first order of business is to get some of my old friendships functioning again. The list has grown thin. I suspect that I'll only have about 3 that will be savable.

Getting in shape again, well, I'm in pretty good shape. I had to take a break from tearing my rotator cuff in November last year, but it's pretty much healed now.

Think I also have to deal with some of my inner demons. This will be a hard one. They go back very far. Truth be told, I've always used women as a means to love myself. I'm never getting anywhere as long as I have this dependance.
Not sure how to tackle that puppy!

A lot of my disappointment over this breakup is with myself. There have been about 4 separate occasions that I should have dumped her, but didn't.
Each time she commended me on how wonderful it was to deal with an adult and thank me for the support and patience. I think each time though, a little more respect was carved off of her feelings towards me.

This is going to be an ugly journey and I only know where to start. I can't see the path to get to where I want to go completely.

Perhaps I'm a bit too messed up right now and am not yet thinking clearly.

SH

 

[Desdinova]

Gaming, has it come to that for me? At 49?
A sad conclusion, but a necessary one I suppose.

I find that I'm always running game to some degree in my relationships. You won't have to do it as much as the relationship progresses, but you still have to do it to maintain her interest. With my gf of 7 months, I still occasionally don't answer her texts or calls. A lot of guys will think "but that would upset her!" That's the point. When she's upset or worried, she's thinking about you. Her emotions start bouncing around. If you try to keep her happy all the time, she won't need to think about you.

This is going to be an ugly journey and I only know where to start. I can't see the path to get to where I want to go completely.

Perhaps I'm a bit too messed up right now and am not yet thinking clearly.

You don't need to know where you're going, just start traveling. You'll be messed up for a bit, but that goes away. You'll be fine, you got your shop vac back

 

[SoldMySoul]

I have been watching this thread for a bit... What is so damn important about this shop vac anyways??? When I moved out from my exes place.. I had a safe with several firearms and precious metals.. Now that stuff I was not going to leave behind. I had to threaten her to go back and get it after about it being there for several months (I had every intention on moving back in) but it never happened. It was like she was holding my stuff hostage to keep me in her life on her terms.

Finally got my stuff and like you, Op, been dealing with the break up... Been with three different women since it happened and I am still NOT there. I know you what you are going through...but what is this thing about the vac?

 

[SecondHalf]

I have been watching this thread for a bit... What is so damn important about this shop vac anyways??? When I moved out from my exes place.. I had a safe with several firearms and precious metals.. Now that stuff I was not going to leave behind. I had to threaten her to go back and get it after about it being there for several months (I had every intention on moving back in) but it never happened. It was like she was holding my stuff hostage to keep me in her life on her terms.

Finally got my stuff and like you, Op, been dealing with the break up... Been with three different women since it happened and I am still NOT there. I know you what you are going through...but what is this thing about the vac?

haha, it was a token, the last step.
It could have been anything, but served as the last piece of unfinished business. Now it serves me as a firm reminder that there is no unfinished business.

I can see how this metaphor is a little elusive

Been catching myself today daydreaming on ways to justify my belief that she is waiting for me to come back, that this is some sh1t test.

I then remind myself that she was keeping our relationship secret on facebook, with certain men, etc. I think I was her fall back guy.
The woman seriously overestimates her market value, but then, she may come into a log of money soon and she can just go buy it!

This thread has been very difficult for me to write about as I find it so humiliating. But I will listen to whatever anyone tells me and explore it thoroughly.

This thread represents me hitting rock bottom!

Thanks for the support so far guys,

SH

 

[SecondHalf]

I have a legitimate question....

For any of you who have suffered this (and most have)...
And the ones taking meds (Lorazepam aka - benzodiazepine), does it prolong recovery time?

The one thing is certain, they make the bod feel like mush and the mind dull, but no anxiety (can't have anxiety at my job, just can't!).

SH

 

[betheman]

Lorazepam or benzos, are highly addictive, they are used for the short term treatment of severe anxiety/agitation. they are a smokescreen they dont cure anxiety or its causes. unless the cause of the anxiety is dealt with, they will more than likely prolong the recovery process.
I used alcohol, not heavily, some say to stay away from it as well, I used it to help me sleep, worked for a while.
Id stay away from benzos though, coming off them while addicted can be a tw@t!

 

[SecondHalf]

I'm thinking along the same lines.
My head is still hanging and I'd have expected it to be clearing up a little by now.
The only thing that scares me about alcohol, is the drunken emails / texts feel like such the right thing to do.

I know when I've had enough, just not soon enough.

But I agree that I think the pills are just keeping me numb and I'm going nowhere.

I needed them to get me though a very important job last weekend, but perhaps tonight I should kiss them off, and shake off the cravings for Monday.

Thanks

SH

 

[betheman]

The only thing that scares me about alcohol, is the drunken emails / texts feel like such the right thing to do.

If you ever feel like that, have a notepad and pen handy, and I mean a notepad and pen, actually writing stuff down in ink, is important!

write the text, pour your heart out on paper, write her letters....just dont Fu cking send them!
save them, read them show people if it helps (they may slap you) just dont send them!
after a while you right laugh, forget them burn them in a ritual...you will get to that point though were thay just arent important anymore

 

[SoldMySoul]

I have a legitimate question....

For any of you who have suffered this (and most have)...
And the ones taking meds (Lorazepam aka - benzodiazepine), does it prolong recovery time?

The one thing is certain, they make the bod feel like mush and the mind dull, but no anxiety (can't have anxiety at my job, just can't!).

SH

YOU SAID TOKEN...Now we are getting somewhere. I really in essence did the same thing with my expensive items.I know...stupid. You have nothing to feel ashamed of about this thread man. Nothing at all. What, because we are men we cannot have or show emotions? WRONG!! This thread tells me I am not the only one going through a mess.

My ex led me on for several months before about 6 weeks ago cowardly on the phone telling me to move on and she didn't love me. Only a week before
spending the night and her telling me she loves me.

As far as BEnzos... I have not taken any..if I had some I probably would. It is said men take break ups harder and I believe it to be true... Women are notorious for branch swinging.

 

[betheman]

The only times women take break ups badly is when THEY have been dumped!
even then its the massive shock to the ego, not the affair, the lies...the fact they have been dumped, which sends them into a tailspin.

what happens a lot then is they try to suck you back in...for revenge, to turn the tables so they can dump you and then you are history!

 

[SecondHalf]

YOU SAID TOKEN...Now we are getting somewhere. I really in essence did the same thing with my expensive items.I know...stupid. You have nothing to feel ashamed of about this thread man. Nothing at all. What, because we are men we cannot have or show emotions? WRONG!! This thread tells me I am not the only one going through a mess.

My ex led me on for several months before about 6 weeks ago cowardly on the phone telling me to move on and she didn't love me. Only a week before
spending the night and her telling me she loves me.

As far as BEnzos... I have not taken any..if I had some I probably would. It is said men take break ups harder and I believe it to be true... Women are notorious for branch swinging.

Maybe the boss boinked her on the week she was out of town and that was the final straw. Who knows.
I learned long ago, a woman will do whatever she wants and justify it to herself completely without remorse.
I don't really understand, I just cannot be so cruel.
That said, I saw the signs, I ignored them. Few of you fellows even tried to wake me up in previous threads.

I will say this, I'll never ask a question on what to do if I already know what I'm going to do. This was a waste of peoples time (... sorry ...).

Oh well, good riddance, her loss, I'll do better on the next one (someday).

One thing is for sure - this has been a real eye opener for me.
I need some serious work before I can go out there again.
Might do some pump and dumps, but the relationship crap has to come second to a restoration on myself.

Likely give up the pills this weekend and drink my way through it

Want to know what I'm really ashamed of ....
I'm currently starting to game four others. One is coming from the deep south to save me (married), another from the south (way too young), one who's going through her own **** and I'm planting the seed that we could surrogate each other and a fourth, a hottie 40 year old who's married with young children.
What the F*** am I doing.

I'm such a hypocrite. This part is sooooo easy.
Someone yell at me to stand down.

I'm going to need some serious help on how to avoid the AFC trap when in a relationship in the future. I'll log the whole transition for the site to help other pathetics such as I in the future.

// end of self loathing ...

SH

Edited for punctuation.

 

[DonJuanabe]

When a woman breaks up with you, contacting her only makes you look like a whining, sniveling child. Put yourself in her shoes -- she does not like you and she thinks you are pathetic by contacting her. Is that the result you want? Probably not, but she is not going to feel the hope that you think will come out of contacting her. Or change it up and imagine how you'd feel if you broke up with a girl who, for whatever reason, you were sick of, and she contacted you. See?

While it won't help now, going forward frame women via Anti-Dump. Don't even think about whether you like her, how much you love her, how she makes you feel, none of that. Focus solely on her interest level at all times. Don't think of her as a woman, or female, or anything other than the embodiment of interest level. Be very objective about it. This will prevent you from investing your emotional being in her. Over time -- if she truly is a high interest girl -- you will realize you love her and, in all likelihood, won't be in a situation where you end up heartbroken because you will know how to relate with her in ways that don't lower her interest.

DJBe

 

[SecondHalf]

Thanks DJWB,

I know the basics. I'd cut off my member before I contact a woman in this game.
Thanks for the reminder of Anti-Dump. I'll re-read his posts.
It matters not for a while, I've my own mission to accomplish (self improvement, sever the dependence).

I do intend to ruin a few women in the mean time. Why not, I can, I'm quite good at it. I'm going to target the narcissists that are 40+. It's kind of cruel, but I'm feeling vindictive!

disclaimer: I'm pretty liquored up at this point....

SH

 

[Von_S]

I learned long ago, a woman will do whatever she wants and justify it to herself completely without remorse.
I don't really understand, I just cannot be so cruel.

...


I'm currently starting to game four others. One is coming from the deep south to save me (married) ... and a fourth, a hottie 40 year old who's married with young children

Unacceptable.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Second,

A-D helped me through a very tough time in my life, back in 2000. He even wrote a post, directed at me, which I think is in the Hall of Fame or Bible (Protect your Heart). I left the board for years some time in 2003 when I snagged a girl 13 years younger than me (lasted til 2010). I came back on the site a few months ago out of nostalgia. A-D's principles are pure gold and I wish they were 100% integrated into my frame. Check out my post in the Hall of Fame (An Objective Point of View).

DJBe

 

[SecondHalf]

I will, thank you.

SH

 

[SecondHalf]

Unacceptable.

I know, I know. I'll stop it.
Part of my illness.
I'm really good at the gaming part.
I'm a coward with my own issues.
I whine about being hurt yet ...

I will hurt nobody. I will thank them for their kindness and decline.
will figure out a way to stop myself from hurting myself and others.
Perhaps this thread will be it.
God, i've never felt so mindless in my life.

Thanks Von_S, your opinion is always welcome.

SH

 

[SecondHalf]

Second,

A-D helped me through a very tough time in my life, back in 2000. He even wrote a post, directed at me, which I think is in the Hall of Fame or Bible (Protect your Heart). I left the board for years some time in 2003 when I snagged a girl 13 years younger than me (lasted til 2010). I came back on the site a few months ago out of nostalgia. A-D's principles are pure gold and I wish they were 100% integrated into my frame. Check out my post in the Hall of Fame (An Objective Point of View).

DJBe

I read An Objective Point of View today.
A very good piece of work. Thank you. It certainly hit home in my case.
There were 4 or 5 significant hiccups along the way that I forgave or ignored waiting for the sugar to return.
I will in the future try to remember to do this. I'll have to print it out and pin it to my bedroom wall for a while. Did you really practice it? How many times did it save you?

Today was a rotten day as I was blaming myself again for what happened.
I re-read this full post. There is a lot of really good information here (and admissions - those hurt a little :s ).

I have to remind myself that she was keeping me a secret to most men and on face book. Not cool. Although I felt bad for the drunken angry texts I sent, I must continue to remind myself that it only sped up the process.
The interest was just not sufficiently there. I was her backup.

The T_W_A_T!!!


SH