Getting over a heartbreak

[SecondHalf]

Went out with a different woman last night. Hotter, cuter, younger and hated it.
I felt like I was cheating all night.
Didn't boink her or anything, don't think I could have if it was offered.

So I wake up a train wreck. My mind is reeling with thoughts again if we still don't just have unfinished business.

I know it's the way I feel and not necessarily hers, but man it hurts.
Anyone understand the cheating feeling and what it means.
Perhaps elaborate on it, it's duration, when it fades?

SH

 

[d!ckmojo]

Dude, you're a mess. The benzos are not helping, they're making you weak-minded.

Snap out of it!

If you're gonna take drugs, do it fcuking properly and snort a line of coke. That sh1t will make you feel confident like a BAUS and you'll know what if feels like to be THE man again.

Just do it once tho. In the long run, your revenge is to become better thru self-improvement, and you can't be self-improving whilst some substance has control over you.

 

[SecondHalf]

DM, you're right.
I'll purge the downs. They helped when they were supposed to (at work), but now I'm just baking on them.
Also, I'm not letting go. This has got to stop. My zombie pills are keeping the anger from setting in and here I am.

This thread is getting pretty pathetic.
Perhaps I'll only update it further with positive progression.

Thanks,


SH

 

[SoldMySoul]

Dude, you're a mess. The benzos are not helping, they're making you weak-minded.
To be expected after a loss, but you gotta eventually pick yourself up and move on
Snap out of it!
In due time he will!!! When is finally ready

If you're gonna take drugs, do it fcuking properly and snort a line of coke. That sh1t will make you feel confident like a BAUS and you'll know what if feels like to be THE man again.
Have you lost your mind??? What kind of crap advice you giving him? Yeah snort a line and ruin your life. Life is hard enough w/o adding to it by doing as you said!!! DO NOT GIVE CRAP LIKE THIS TO HIM!!! Shame on you! Help the man along, don't just say, "snort some coke..snap out of it."
Just do it once tho. In the long run, your revenge is to become better thru self-improvement, and you can't be self-improving whilst some substance has control over you.

Finally you gave some advice noteworthy! The best revenge indeed is living a better life.. You took some of the negative away with that wise tidbit about self improvement.

 

[SecondHalf]

The hardest part of NC (for me anyway), is denial.

The post on subjectively vs objectively was excellent.
It has really helped me not cave.

I would have caved, believing her words, the contact, the sex ...
I would have "known" she acted in anger and all could be repaired.
I would have called, got rejected and strengthened her resolve even further.

Allowing to see past the denial and look at the red flags and disrespect along the way have kept me at bay.
It's very hard on the pride to admit that you're the "backup", the "for now".
The only slight satisfaction I will get is my belief that she's missing me and suffering to.
... But here's the catch, might that just be that denial thing working again.

NC must be more than just not contacting the woman, it must be completely putting her out of your head (as best you can). I spend much time thinking about what she's going through.
I have to stop caring!!!

I'm writing this post not so much to get a response (although - insights are appreciated) but more for myself.

SH

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Second Half,
"I want to learn the strength and resistance that you men on this forum seem to have against falling for these women.
Love just isn't worth it."........So you look at the best case scenario and the worst......In some perverse way,the worst in your eyes,for an experienced observer is really the best outcome for you...
So Love?At 49?You are playing with yourself again SH.....Look this is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy another Springtime....Do you really want lurve and all its inevitable progressions?another Mortgage,her Family,the job lists,the whole freakin disaster?Seven years after they put the cuffs on,the inevitable date with the Family Law Court,there to have another Assagai up the rectum.Then at Sixty,rebuilding your fortune with worn out tools?...next time,keep at least one plate in the wings,even just a nice Lady to chat with,gives enormous confidence....Remember confident Men don't get stressed,they give stress to others!

 

[SecondHalf]

Dear Second Half,
"I want to learn the strength and resistance that you men on this forum seem to have against falling for these women.
Love just isn't worth it."........So you look at the best case scenario and the worst......In some perverse way,the worst in your eyes,for an experienced observer is really the best outcome for you...
So Love?At 49?You are playing with yourself again SH.....Look this is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy another Springtime....Do you really want lurve and all its inevitable progressions?another Mortgage,her Family,the job lists,the whole freakin disaster?Seven years after they put the cuffs on,the inevitable date with the Family Law Court,there to have another Assagai up the rectum.Then at Sixty,rebuilding your fortune with worn out tools?...next time,keep at least one plate in the wings,even just a nice Lady to chat with,gives enormous confidence....Remember confident Men don't get stressed,they give stress to others!

I've been pretty stubborn thus far on what I want and what I believe is possible and the means to get there.

Scara, I just can't argue with you. You're right. You were right the last time you attempted to give me an e-slap.

I live in a fat house that I own in downtown core Toronto.
My retirement planning is starting to get on track again (since my ex wife of 15 years walked out with half that plan).

Love may not come again (hope not). If I have to game a woman, I won't respect her. If I don't respect her, she'll not get the heart. None that I've gamed have so far.

This one I thought was different, didn't game, I dropped all defenses, I went attentive, I ignored the red flags (some glowing), because I wanted to fill some void that already existed in myself.

Feck it. I may find monogamy again, but I'm going to protect the heart. There will be hurts, but they won't tear my freak'in heart out.

I can't be as angry with this chick as I am with myself. My kid grew to love her, my family met her. She was "in". What a humiliation, but more than that, I let my kid down. I ignored the signs. I ignored the signs....

Regarding the plates, you bet. When I was spinning some (some dry/some wet), it didn't matter which one left, it got little more than a shrug from me.
This will certainly be a tool I use again.

I look forward to spring

SH

 

[Desdinova]

Went out with a different woman last night. Hotter, cuter, younger and hated it.
I felt like I was cheating all night.
Didn't boink her or anything, don't think I could have if it was offered.

Of course it feels wrong. You're still emotionally committed to the other one.

Set up another date with that girl. Force your subconscious to realize that the other bytch is history. And BTW, you don't need to fvck her. Just date her for a while. The more you date, the more distance you put between you and your ex (who is now the second-last woman you've dated.)

 

[SecondHalf]

Of course it feels wrong. You're still emotionally committed to the other one.

Set up another date with that girl. Force your subconscious to realize that the other bytch is history. And BTW, you don't need to fvck her. Just date her for a while. The more you date, the more distance you put between you and your ex (who is now the second-last woman you've dated.)

Funny, I know what you're saying and you're right, but thing is, I don't really like this other woman. I'd bone her, but get sick of paying (which she expects). She wants to be the trophy chick, but nope, a 7 at best.

I dated this chick in the past and shes got a seriously inflated view of her market value. She's 46, she's not fat, but nowhere near toned, is pretty but not gorgeous, has a career, but not a great one.
The worst part is, she took soooooo long to even get a kiss out of, I knew I'd have to damn near sell my soul to go further.
So I dumped her.

She's one of my pathetic's that just hung on forever.
Need something new, fresh, and first and foremost, not a former fatty.

This would be easy to achieve if I jumped back onto internet dating. I just don't want to go there again - at least for a long time.

Right now, I think I'll wait for one to drop out of the sky. I'm not ready to chase yet. Perhaps in June.

One of the most important lessons I learned from this whole mess is never go looking for love. Your perception is altered so as you can see what you wish to see. You make sacrifices, you settle, you turn a blind eye (my case) all so what you want (or worse - think you need) is in front of you.

I'll never go "looking" for a relationship again, at least not a loving one.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement,

SH

 

[sunlight44]

SecondHalf, I will give you my two cents, everyone on this post tell you to forget her and don’t contact her, I know it is easy said then done! But it’s the true!! You need to move on with your life and don’t contact her they you will see some strange things happening, you will gain back control after 3 months from now, and when this happen you will see this chick you thing about it appearing again in your life and then you will decide what to do with her, you can play mind game with her and mess her up and then get a rid of her and do wherever you want because by then you won’t be that emotionally attached to her!

I have bee through the same crap and many things helped me including what you are doing now and talking to DJ in this post! I also recommend reading the following as many times as you can and whenever you feel low:

-Stop Your Divorce! How to stop your divorce or lover’s rejection... even if you’re the only one who wants to stop it, by Homer McDonal, it’s cheap online.
-http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056
-http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594 (This is a great one by Metaphysical, it tell you what in woman’s head after dump and how she react)


Don’t forget to treat yourself to an escort (hp10) for one time it won’t cost you that much and it’s money well spent during this period of time!!!

 

[SecondHalf]

Hey thanks Sunlight, those links were an interesting read.
I'll never hear from her again, and even if I did, I wouldn't respond.
I'm trying not to think about what she's feeling.
I'm the only one that matters now.
She can do/bone/go anything/anyone/anywhere and there's nothing I can do about it.
Nor would I want to.
We're done and it's the right choice for both of us.
I know she will feel regret, we were tight, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.

SH

 

[drellum]

That Metaphysical post is the best!!!!!

I'm almost 2 months into NC and have almost buckled a couple of times. I just go back to that one post and it straightens me out.

D

 

[SecondHalf]

That Metaphysical post is the best!!!!!

I'm almost 2 months into NC and have almost buckled a couple of times. I just go back to that one post and it straightens me out.

D

I think the Metaphysical post is good, if you want your GF back at some point, or at least to turn it around and take the frame.
I find that the post would keep me dwelling a little on the woman.

I immediately went ghost, dropped the contact info (linked in, skype) deleted phone numbers, emails.
I haven't gotten around to pictures yet. It bothers me to look at them.
They were so ... happy. Then I question things. I've got a female friend who is going to visit me, I'm going to get her to do it I think

I'm eagerly awaiting some of this regret lifting. It just takes time I suppose.

Today is her birthday. I know she is thinking of me. It's driving me bug-fruck! This will be the hardest day for me to get through, but get through it I will.

SH

 

[drellum]

SH:

Yeah, it's a tough old day.....those key days that you remember from the past. Birthdays, Christmas days etc. But we get through them and it ultimately makes us stronger.

I did all of the things that you did. Deleted numbers, contacts, social media, everything including furniture. I cleaned this place out!

It was intense.....but necessary and would do it all again.

Initially my objective was to win her back....my secondary reason was to heal myself and get on with life. After almost 2 months of hell including lots of soul searching, anger, jealousy and it must be said, some fun, dating and sex, I'm healing and feeling positive for the first time in ages. Now I'm not so sure I would have her back.....give it another 2 months and I'm ceratin I won't. Life moves on and time heals.

Sorry if this went on a bit

D

 

[sunlight44]

drellum, you got right on the point that I was trying to make when I was writing for SH;

SH; the trick is when you go no contact for 2 months plus thinking that you are going to get her back than you realize that you don't want her at the end of 2-4 months period even if she call you, believe me she will call you within the next 2 months just go ghost, when she call you use Metaphysical post not to get her back but just to make you feel great about yourself; feeling of being wanted and you are rejecting her, feeling of being a king!! At the end of the day all these hurting we have after break ups is all about ego nothing else, think about for a second! There are women out there but we are hurt by one who gives hard time, the one who reject us, the more we submit to the one who gives us hard time the more we get hurt and the more we give them pleasure, don’t give her pleasure, give it to your self.

Watch movie Swingers you will like it!

 

[SecondHalf]

I'll try swingers.

Nope, I date some pretty proud / stubborn women.
I'll not hear back from her, ever.
Which is best. I think I was her backup if nothing better came along.
Think she had her sights on Captains of industry CEO's that sort of thing, that are her age and would love a 49, slightly overweight, menopausal trophy.

Who knows, it could happen :crazy:

I think scara nailed it in a previous thread about this women.
"This woman sees herself as a plate, nothing more".

I feel kind of sorry for her actually.

SH

 

[backbreaker]

I purposly stayed out of this thread beucase i did nto like the direction it was going, but I will offer you this advice:

Think of, no contact,.. no better yet. think of your EX as a drug. whatever the hardest drug you think is, think of your EX as that.

No contact is the equivalent of going cold turkey, dropping the drug altogether. Know that, it does not matter how long it has been, how much distance you have placed between you and here, there will never be a time in the future where you can successfully do the drug (her) and control it and be normal. Not only that, know that once you contact her even one time, even for a split second, the entire "sobriety" clock starts right back at Zero and to make matters worse, you will end up making up for lost time, your addiction goes right back to where you left it the last time you contacted her every time you contact her.


There is no other viable option for your well being other than to cut it off and move on.

 

[backbreaker]

Hey SecondHalf

Keep up the good work and stay NC. It's tough, but you'll feel much, MUCH better if you adhere to it - I promise. If you break it, you'll feel worse.

A couple of girls in my past through me for a loop and broke my heart, but I was weak and AFC and let myself slip into a mode I shouldn't have.

Same deal as you - the birthday rolled around. Big day, right? And I had the same thought - "should I send her flowers?"

Let me tell you, as someone emotionally sober, how stupid that sounds.

"Should I send her a card?"

Well you know what I did? I bought a card and wrote something. I put it aside. I had the envelope and stamp ready to go. I looked at it again with fresh eyes, tore it up, and threw it away.

Another girl, I resisted contacting (texting was more prevalent by then). A text seems so simple - what's the harm? I knew deep down she was probably expecting some kind of happy birthday message. I found things to do all day - distracted myself. Got through the day and it felt pretty f'ing good, let me tell you. If I thought about her at all, I just imagined her staring at the phone, desperate for my acknowledgment of her existence, and the absence of that acknowledgment completely ruining her birthday. I know that probably wasn't the case, but you're allowed to fantasize.

As backbreaker said, it IS like a drug. You send a text or email and it feels good for a few seconds....then the low feels lower than the highs ever did. Your "highs" will actually feel like diminishing returns - they'll feel worse than any real high you had when things were going well. The lows - "why did I send that text?? I'm an idiot, I feel worse" - they set you back a week.

Do keep in mind that there will come a time, if you've been successfully silent, that your ex will sniff around and wonder if you're alive. Usually it comes just when you're feeling 75% better and really moving on. She'll send a seemingly innocent "hi" or something stupid like that. It's bait - don't take it. She retains some guilt and wants to know that you don't hate her. OR, she wants to know that you're pining for her and not out living your life happily without her. Don't give her the satisfaction. She dropped you - let her wonder for the rest of her life what kind of mistake she made. If you contact her, you'll only confirm for her that she left you for good reason, while simultaneously letting her know that she's forgiven.

Remember, your #1 weapon with any woman is your attention, or lack thereof. Silence is golden. Stay NC - stay strong.

there is a point in time in your drug recovery where , you know you had a dealer that you for the most part was your go to guy. he knew you you knew him. you might from time to time put it off drugs for a few days or a week or even 2. your dealers isn't stupid he knows if he sits back long enough you wi ll break and call him

but there comes a point, where he gets the mesage "this motherfvcker really might be quitting on me lol" and he will go ape**** sending you texts, dropping buy even giving you free goodies to get you hooked again. i can't tell you how many missed calls i had from my dealers when i quit, basialcly giving **** away just so he could get me hooked again. i had to change my number

it's the same deal. don't take the bait. do not take it. they can act the way they do beucase they know at the end of the game you are going to come back. but they bank on you coming back. the girl and the dealer. that innocent hi or i was thinking about you or whatever, do not take it. let it pass by.

In some ways a lot of what i learned about women i learned from the drug game. the drug game is human interaction broken down to it's most simplistic levels.

 

[SecondHalf]

Good analogy...

Good analogy - the drug addition.
It does feel like that.

I would never, never look back.
Will never text, email, nada.
Feck it, the cord has been severed. Anything from this point would be a waste of time.

I really appreciate the time you guys have spent on this thread. It helped me through a very dark time.

SH

 

[SecondHalf]

One more thing on the drug analogy - it takes pain to quit.

You're going to have withdrawl and feel like crap. The sooner you accept it and let your body deal with it, the better.

So true.
Almost constantly right now, I'm just ... hurting for a "fix".

I eagerly await this phase to pass.
There are moments of anger and clarity, but it takes time.
I remember the stages oh so well during my divorce of my wife of 15 years. This one won't take as long. And I won't have to pay the b1tch off!

SH