Enough is enough, time for a change journal.

[thunder_god]

School

Been studying my ass off for this past week and I still don't have enough time to study everything. I completed my quiz today with a bunch of people compared to last year when I did it myself and got a $hit mark. I learnt through experience to do it in a group. I ended up getting an overall average of 90.5% of the quizzes combined where accounts for 5% of my mark. I got a 68% on it last year. I've been trying to create a good habit of studying each day. I downloaded some internet browser site blocker that blocks me from visiting certain sites when I'm trying to procrastinate. I also downloaded a scheduler as well. I'm finding I'm only able to adhere to it about 65-70% of the time. Also my sleep schedule is fcuked up. I'm having trouble falling asleep at night which is causing me to be all drowsy and sleepy in school, which affects my concentration in class and school performance. Today was brutal, I could barely keep my eyes awake after the first 2 hrs.

Fitness and Health

I've been really trying to hammer this area of my life this past week. I've been eating pretty consistently healthy for the most part. My diet isn't perfect and I still experience hiccups but I'm slowly getting used to eating healthier as each day passes.

I'm also starting to get back into the gym as well.

Dating and Relationships

I received a text a few days ago in the morning from my oneitis. Last time I talked to her was back in the beginner of October right before I blew her off and walked away for good. She texted me this:

her: Hey! Happy new year btw, all the best with ur studies. Goodluck with MSK

I didn't even bother to reply back. Fcuk her! She was a manipulative ***** who fcuked me over and caused me a tremendous amount of pain. Once I decided to walk away for good, it was permanent. Me replying back to her, is like me trying to go back to the old me, and I can't do that anymore.

During my last journal entry I mentioned asking the rockclimbing chick to go boxing. I never heard from her again lol. I could tell by her text replies back that I was going to get rejected, but whatever I had to try at least.

There was a dinner party tonight that several of my classmates hosted at each one of their houses. I was assigned to a specific house. There was only 1 hot chick there from my class. I also didn't really know anyone except my old classmates from last year. The party felt really awkward for me. Its been so long since I've been in classes with my old classmates that I feel there is this huge rift between us now. On the other hand, my new classmates, especially this particular group who I'm gonna call the popular kids I don't really talk to them much because they are pretty stuck up and keep to their own closed social circle. I felt like the odd man out at the party like I was sandwiched between two different groups of people. The crew from my new class are all white and into stuff like playing beer pong, etc whereas I don't do stuff like that. I felt this enormous pressure and uneasy feeling inside of me. I also was extremely tired due to lack of sleep. After forcing myself to stay there as long as I could, I bailed after about 3.5 hrs. I kind of feel like $hit right now because I feel my social skills are crap and not up to par. I also feel like I should have forced myself to talk to more people there even if it made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.

Later on another group of girls from my class also showed up. There was another particular girl there that I have had my eye on. She showed up with a bunch of alcohol and even had a beer bottle opener on her keychain, as did a whole bunch of the other girls. Also that hot chick that I mentioned early, also was drinking heavily and seems pretty stuck up as well. This night has made me realize that, other then there looks, these chicks are nothing special and are pretty much trash. It seems that its very hard to find a quality girl out there that is both good looking and is quality gf material as well. The society that we now live in is full of egotistic over-entitled stuck up trashy girls. If I were to strip all these girls looks away, I wouldn't even give them a second thought. Even if I were to hook up with them, I wouldn't date them and would just use them as a fcuk buddy.

Right now I think I need to just forget about getting a gf and just focusing on working on my social skills and improving that because I obviously lack that skill. When I started this journal I thought things would get easier and easier the longer I'm in this journey but it seems to be the opposite. Things get harder and harder or rather you start to realize all these deficits and issues you have that you didn't realize you had before and now you need to fix it somehow.

This pain never goes away, it just keeps on eating at you from the inside out. Almost unbearable, but I don't have a choice in the matter. I need to continue onwards.

 

[thunder_god]

Social Life

Today was my first intramural volleyball game. I have never ever been on any school sports teams before nor played any sports but I have wanted to try volleyball since 2 summers ago. Holy crap, it was crazy when the game started. I didn't expect it to be that competitive but then things got intense. I felt like I was tom hanks from saving private ryan right when he got off the boat or tom cruise from edge of tomorrow when he got off the ship. I quickly came to the realization that this is for real, and I had a crazy rush of emotions. I soon learnt from watching everyone else that I was the crappiest player on the team lol. All throughout the game all I could think about in my head was, please don't shoot the ball at me, I don't want to fcuk up. Then when it was finally over, I had this crazy rush of emotions yet again and I started to giggle and laugh a bit. I felt really uncomfortable right before the game and during the whole game. This was a good thing though. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and I feel like I've now grown a little bit more because of it.

There's also a smoking hot chick on the team as well as that chick from last semester who bought me a shot. She actually remembered me and came up to me to ask me if I was the guy from last semester lol. I was really nervous today so I didn't talk much lol. Once I get more comfortable I think I'll be able to start talking more to the girls on my team especially that hot chick.

Also that rock climbing chick texted me yesterday saying she hasn't gone rock climbing in ages and asked me if I'm going this week. I'm frankly pretty packed right now with everything so even if I wanted to go I wouldn't be able to so I blew her off and told her no and asked her if she was going this week. She is like ya, a few times this week. I didn't bother to respond back. Not like I'm hurting on meeting new girls at the moment unlike last year. Whatever. Maybe once I get all my $hit together from school and stuff and I have time I'll try to schedule her in.

 

[thunder_god]

Dating and Relationships

I had my first salsa class of the semester this past thursday. There are two candidates in my class that caught my eye. One was a average height blonde chick with a cute face, but her body could use a little work. The other was a asian or perhaps half asian (she had really light skin) medical student. The one thing I'm finding really hard in Salsa class is, there isn't a whole lotta time to talk to these chicks. During our dances, we maybe get 1-2 mins max before switching partners. Doesn't give me a lotta time to game them. Me and the blonde chick high fived me each after the dance.

So far there's 4 new candidates this semester on top of all the other ones I have my eyes on. Definitely no shortage of women lol. I can't believe about a year ago, I had such a scarcity mindset.

Fitness and Health

I've been hitting the gym on a regular consistent basis for about 3 weeks now. I've lost about 3lbs so far and I can start to see lines on my face and its depressing inwards meaning I'm starting to lose baby fat around my face. My gut doesn't stick out anymore which is also another positive. Trying to eat clean has been really difficult. Everytime I go grocery shopping or walk by a fast food place, I get really hungry and just want to eat the food, but then I remind myself of my goals which is to get a 6 pack and become jacked. I'm excited to see how my weight loss will go in 3 more weeks.

 

[Firestar786]

how old are you thunder?

 

[thunder_god]

how old are you thunder?

late 20's. Why do you ask?

 

[thunder_god]

Wow its been so long since I last write in this journal. School has been insane. I've been studying my a$$ off day and night. I'm finally on placement so I have a little time to update this journal.

Fitness and Health

Exams screwed my workout schedule and clean eating diet. I think I only managed to workout like twice the last two weeks not including this week. I've hit the gym 3x a week this past week to make up for it, plus went to an aikido class and did a morning jog on an empty stomach. I don't think I lost any weight these past 2-3 weeks . At least now I'm starting to get back on track. I've been quite down as of late, due to school and seeing a lack of results. I think I'm comparing myself to other people too much. I've been studying my a$$ off for school and yet have been seeing very minimal results. I had to get a tutor for my anatomy class because I just couldn't get the material. After putting in all that effort I barely passed. After I saw my test mark, I went back into my old documents and found the learning assessment they had me do during the summer. After having read through it, it felt quite depressed. I have a learning disability and it makes learning new material that much difficult for me compared to everyone else. There was so many learning deficiencies listed in the document. I felt dumb and wanted to quit my program. I was in denial back in the summer when they finished my assessment and told me these things. I didn't even bother to read the report and just chucked it in the corner somewhere. It wasn't until I got my mark back and started to study for my next test that I realized there's something wrong with me. I also felt angry that my classmates have it so much easier then me learning the material and can slack off and go party while I study my a$$ off and end up with a better grade then me. These past weeks I've been really reflecting on this, and I've decided I'm going to do my best at school despite my disadvantages and give it my all, and if I fail, I fail. At least I tried my best and will have no regrets. I've had to call a counselling help line twice in these last 3 weeks because of my mood.

Social life

I've been going to volleyball every week except the previous week due to exams. I watched some youtube videos prior to the game to make up for my pi$$ poor performance a few weeks back. I felt really bad about letting my team down and I don't want to be a burden to the team but contribute to it so I had to study volleyball. My social communication group has also been coming along. I haven't really learnt anything from the class though. Its mainly comprised of weirdos and extremely socially awkward people. I also went to a interprofessional mixer this past wednesday. The turnout of people there was extremely disappointing like 15 ppl or so. I spoke to about half of them before ditching it to head to volleyball. I also went on a class ski trip up north to a ski resort. Pretty much everyone in my class went. They held a flip cup tournament and after party but I forgot to sign up for a team so I didn't participate. I felt extremely uncomfortable at the party. I didn't really talk much and didn't really open any girls. I feel pi$$ed off and depressed about my lack of action. Also while waiting in line to use the bathroom, a girl from an upper year who I sat with last year regularly cut in front of me. She was pretty wasted and could barely walk. I kind of let her go in front of me. Afterwards I was mad at myself for being a doormat. I need to be more assertive and less passive from now on. Overall I think my social skills haven't progressed at all.

Dating and Relationships

I just signed up for eharmony last night. One of my close friends has had it for a month now and has been getting a lot of dates. Granted, the girls he's been going on dates with aren't the best looking and he has no real game in person either. After much hesitation I said fcuk it, I'm not getting any dates at the moment, so might as well try to get some dates just for practice and the experience so that I can use these experience for girls that i meet in person. I've messaged about 7-8 different girls and so far have had no replies back. I'm not a fan of eharmoney because you can't search for girls, they send you matches and I only got like 12 matches and not a single chick I'm interested in dating. I had to use a feature called what if and there were a few candidates from there that I messaged. I'm gonna give it a month and then cancel it if it doesn't get me at least a few dates.

The two prospects from my salsa class are still prospects. I haven't been going regularly due to exams, but managed to go this past week. One of the prospects I haven't seen since the first class. She was the medical student I mentioned. I teased her by calling her dr. her name. She actually remembered my name which was surprising. I'm gonna have to ask her out soon and also start flirting with her. The other prospect which is abit better looking has a swarm of beta orbiters around her before, and after class. She forgot my name, but then kept on pestering me to tell her my name. I held out and wouldn't tell her it. After class as I was leaving, she stopped me and asked me what my name was, while her beta orbiter who was right beside her looked pi$$ed and jealous lol. Next time I see her I'm gonna be like "my name's bond, james bond" and start being more playful and flirty with her. I also need to ask her out soon as well. She's abit harder to game because she's always surrounded by the beta orbiters so I'll need to isolate her somehow.

As for that flip cup party, I didn't do jack$hit there. One of my classmates, who is beta as fcuk told me and a few other guys in the car, that one of the girls from my class invited him to her place, but he declined her offer haha... I told him he fcuked up but he tried to make an excuse saying he would have thrown up on her because he was wasted. There are two alpha males in my class right now. Both of them had pretty much a large percentage of the girls all over them. I was kind of pi$$ed because of this, and at the moment my game isn't even anywhere close to their level. I tried to befriend them but they don't really want to be friends so I can't really learn anything from them. fcuk this is hard, especially when you have zero results.


Right now I'm going to try and create daily habits that bring me a little bit closer to my goals each day.

 

[thunder_god]

School:
Its been real rough. I just finished my placement today. It was pretty much hell for 3 weeks. I expected it to be a nice break from school based on my experience from last year, but boy was I wrong. They frigging gave me homework every night and kept me way past my shift everyday. I hardly had anytime to do anything. It stressed me the fcuk out every day and they made me feel stupid and incompetent there. I also just saw my midterm mark posted online and I ended up failing by 9%. That's only a 5% increase from last year . I've been having doubts lately as if I really got what it takes to excel and succeed in my field. It feels like a losing battle. Everyone in my class just seems brighter then me no matter how hard I try. My contingency plan from this point on is to see a learning strategist and try to get tutoring to help with my learning disability. I'll need to hustle and work twice or three times as hard as everyone else in addition to studying smarter. Its really the only things I can do. Also if I end up flunking this year, I'm not returning again next year. I can't go through hell like that again.

Social Life:

I went to an improv workshop last week. Its been a while since I last had an improv workshop so this was great. Unfortunately there wasn't any girls there for some reason, but I did meet some chill guys there. I've also been working on my volleyball skills to make me feel like I'm not letting my team down and contributing to the team.

Fitness and Health

This POS placement has done tremendous damage to my fitness and health goals. I can't eat every 2-3 hrs here and because of them always letting me off late and giving me homework, I don't really have much time to workout nor cook.

Dating and Relationships

Well what can I say here? Things have been really slow and dry.I currently have an eharmony account which I am on the verge of cancelling. I've messaged somewhere in the ballpark of 100 chicks and only had 1 chick message me back, but she appears to be some prostitute or escort. I only had 10 views on my profile wtf. The girls aren't even looking at my profile, just judging me based on my race. One of my friends tells me to go start messaging more asian girls, but I'm just not really attracted to a huge majority of them and I refuse to date 4-5's just for the experience. I'm had 2 asian girls message me on eharmony and pof but both were butt ugly. I just can't seem to force myself to do it.

In real life, I currently have three targets in mind. Two from my salsa class and one from my placement. I told myself within the next 3 weeks I would get at least one of their numbers and ask one of them out. I managed to do this today with the girl at my placement, however it was very sloppy and not smooth. This girl is a chinese girl. I'd say for an asian she is above average and is more westernized. Today was our last day at the placement, so I knew I had to try and get the number. When she saw me at the end of the shift, she is like "so does this mean I won't ever see you again", it caught me off guard, plus it didn't help that I was very sleepy and tired so my ability to think quickly on my feet was impaired. So I ended up responding rather slowly something like "ya I guess so, lol", then I quickly realize my fcuk up and tried to recover and say "lets keep in touch", and she is like "sure, like how though?". Then I kind of chickened out and didn't ask for the number. Its been a while since I last asked for a number so I'm really rusty, plus it doesn't help that I have low self confidence. Anyways she is like "like facebook or something" and I reply "ya", then I realize I just pu$$ied out again so attempt to recover so I tell her. "we'll go out for coffee or something, next time your back in T.O" and she is like "ok" so I then quickly ask for the number to attempt to recover for my earlier pu$$iness. I reply "ok, whats your number". She enters it and then says "if your in montreal, get in touch, and we'll hang out or something". I text her my number and I then give her a hug and take off. About the only things I did right was ask for the number, text her my number right away and give her a hug. Everything else was really sloppy lol. Anyways as I'm heading home on the bus, I get a text from her asking me if I'm hungry, we're going to some thai restaurant now". I'm like "we who?", and she mentions another guy from our placement. So I'm like fcuk it and just go. Both her and the other guy end up talking a lot of school and our placement but I didn't really want to just talk about that crap. So I start bringing up relationship topics, but here's where I kind of fcuked up. She brought up single mothers being undatable and poor and $hit. Now me having been on this site for a while now and having read up on all that feminist bull$hit tried to shoot down her statements by telling her they have child support and alimony, but then I started to notice she started to get pi$$ed off and very emotional so I quickly changed the topic to weddings lol. She then started prying me about my dating life, after the other guy started talking about his ex girl. I wanted to be flirty with her and say something like "what makes you ask that question?, did you want to apply for the position or something?", but I pu$$ied out because the other guy was there and I didn't want it to get awkward between the 3 of us so I told her "I don't kiss and tell", then she starts saying "that means you got a gf, or its complicated". After dinner, all three of us walked to the subway and then we chatted for a bit outside the entrance. She gave me a hug and then took off with that other guy since they both take the subway. She is leaving on the weekend back to montreal for school so I kind of blew my opportunity by chickening out but I suppose its still experience and I can hit her up in the future.

As for the other two targets, there both in my salsa class. One is a dirty blonde HB7-7.5 and the other a chinese or mixed chinese HB6.5-7 (the medical student I mentioned previously). Unfortunately class was cancelled this week because the instructor was sick so I didn't get the opportunity to go. I might be able to see the white chick this weekend at the gym. I saw her on both saturday and sunday last weekend but pu$$ied out of talking to her when I saw her working out. I'm gonna need to grab my balls and just do it regardless of the outcome because if I don't even attempt to try and ask them out I have a 0% chance of success but if I do, I at least have a chance of getting a date. This upcoming week, I start classes again so there will be more opportunities to game my classmates.

 

[salinechow]

Hey bud. Proud of your commitment to keep the journal. I have not read much but I see that sometimes you struggle with a gym regiment and I thought I could offer some valuable advice.

It seems you main goal is to lose weight. Good for you. It will certainly help in a lot of areas of your life.

Here is the ultimate weight loss regiment and can be fun to do. You will get in amazing shape, feel accomplished, melt pounds quickly and best of all, its quick, so you can keep to it when other parts of life pile up.

You may have heard of it already, it called H.I.I.T training. High Intensity Interval Training. Look it up for exact specifications. There is also a John Hopkins University study done on this that is very interesting and convincing as to why it is the best work out for weight loss.

Here is what it is and how I did it: Elliptical and a stellar playlist.

The whole idea is basically sprint training. Quick, max, sustained heart rate followed by short periods of rest recovery.

So, warm up for 2-3 min. Then HIIT it!

Go as fast and hard as you can till you hit your max heart rate, usually between 180 and 190 Beats per min. And hold that heart rate for about 20 seconds. Then slow down till the HR returns to about 140-150. As soon as it slows to around that HIT it again. BAck to max for 30 seconds this time. Then, of course, slow down again, till it returns to about 140-150. Do this over and over again for 20 min total.

At least 4 times per week. If you really want the benefit of it though and really want it to work at only 20 min perday. You need to go 6 times per week.

I lost around 20 lbs in a month. I am about 5'8-5'9. I was 215 lbs and about 30 percent Body fat. I went to about 194-190 in a month maybe 5 weeks.

I also did a light lift of low low wieght and high high reps later on in the month but it really was the H.I.I.T that made the lbs disappear.

The whole idea to this too is that you get something called after burn when you train like this and that is key!
For Between 90 and 180min you will still be burning calories at a higher metabolic rate. about 1.5 per min. As opposed to about .7-.9 which is the norm at rest. Also, the after burn will keep your metabolism higher in general and overall. Eventually you will even burn more calories while you are sleeping.

This will shock your body into a calorie burning machine very quickly. After about six weeks, go right into a cross training type lifting workout and abandon the H.I.I.T training except for once a week.

The H.I.I.T works so well that you really shouldn’t keep it up because you will get too skinny and it will hurt your muscle gain.

Now that the weight is going, you use that momentum to lift weights and shred what’s left.

When you get there hit me back and I can help you that as well.

A lot of people asked me how I did it when they saw my results so quickly and I have 3 people that actually listened and constantly update and text me success and excitement.

This sh!t is a magic pill but better. Its hard, quick and fun.

Tips:

Playlist is essential.

Elliptical is best because its low impact and strictly cardio. You won’t get hurt and get derailed. You try this sh!t on the treadmill and in 10 days you’ll have shin splints, knee issues, and won’t want to go back.

I changed only 2 things about my diet.

I eat pasta only once per week if that.

I never ever drink beer. Beer is the devil of exercise. It actually loosens the connective tissue between the abdominal wall and the pleura sac that your organs are in. I wont give you an anatomy lesson but think of this... Ever see guys that are pretty jacked up and in pretty good shape but have huge bellys? BEER Bellys! Those protruding guts. Sometimes they are even hard! Not even fat and flab, but stick out. That’s a guy who takes care of himself and works out but drinks a ton of beer. I see this a lot in Fire Fighters.

Also, I never eat refined sugar. Cake, candy, things like that. Thing is, I never really did. Normal sugar is ok. Like granulated stuff you put in your coffee, but avoid if you can. Also, avoid soda at all costs its poision. Again though, I never really enjoyed that stuff anyway so that wasn’t to big of a change for me.

6 Weeks and youll be a new man. Then, if you want to get ripped lifting weights it will come so much easier. By the 4th of July I can have you cut like a Batman costume. And, its not even that hard!

Hope this helps. Hope you do it.

 

[thunder_god]

Hey bud. Proud of your commitment to keep the journal. I have not read much but I see that sometimes you struggle with a gym regiment and I thought I could offer some valuable advice.

It seems you main goal is to lose weight. Good for you. It will certainly help in a lot of areas of your life.

Here is the ultimate weight loss regiment and can be fun to do. You will get in amazing shape, feel accomplished, melt pounds quickly and best of all, its quick, so you can keep to it when other parts of life pile up.

You may have heard of it already, it called H.I.I.T training. High Intensity Interval Training. Look it up for exact specifications. There is also a John Hopkins University study done on this that is very interesting and convincing as to why it is the best work out for weight loss.

Here is what it is and how I did it: Elliptical and a stellar playlist.

The whole idea is basically sprint training. Quick, max, sustained heart rate followed by short periods of rest recovery.

So, warm up for 2-3 min. Then HIIT it!

Go as fast and hard as you can till you hit your max heart rate, usually between 180 and 190 Beats per min. And hold that heart rate for about 20 seconds. Then slow down till the HR returns to about 140-150. As soon as it slows to around that HIT it again. BAck to max for 30 seconds this time. Then, of course, slow down again, till it returns to about 140-150. Do this over and over again for 20 min total.

At least 4 times per week. If you really want the benefit of it though and really want it to work at only 20 min perday. You need to go 6 times per week.

I lost around 20 lbs in a month. I am about 5'8-5'9. I was 215 lbs and about 30 percent Body fat. I went to about 194-190 in a month maybe 5 weeks.

I also did a light lift of low low wieght and high high reps later on in the month but it really was the H.I.I.T that made the lbs disappear.

The whole idea to this too is that you get something called after burn when you train like this and that is key!
For Between 90 and 180min you will still be burning calories at a higher metabolic rate. about 1.5 per min. As opposed to about .7-.9 which is the norm at rest. Also, the after burn will keep your metabolism higher in general and overall. Eventually you will even burn more calories while you are sleeping.

This will shock your body into a calorie burning machine very quickly. After about six weeks, go right into a cross training type lifting workout and abandon the H.I.I.T training except for once a week.

The H.I.I.T works so well that you really shouldn’t keep it up because you will get too skinny and it will hurt your muscle gain.

Now that the weight is going, you use that momentum to lift weights and shred what’s left.

When you get there hit me back and I can help you that as well.

A lot of people asked me how I did it when they saw my results so quickly and I have 3 people that actually listened and constantly update and text me success and excitement.

This sh!t is a magic pill but better. Its hard, quick and fun.

Tips:

Playlist is essential.

Elliptical is best because its low impact and strictly cardio. You won’t get hurt and get derailed. You try this sh!t on the treadmill and in 10 days you’ll have shin splints, knee issues, and won’t want to go back.

I changed only 2 things about my diet.

I eat pasta only once per week if that.

I never ever drink beer. Beer is the devil of exercise. It actually loosens the connective tissue between the abdominal wall and the pleura sac that your organs are in. I wont give you an anatomy lesson but think of this... Ever see guys that are pretty jacked up and in pretty good shape but have huge bellys? BEER Bellys! Those protruding guts. Sometimes they are even hard! Not even fat and flab, but stick out. That’s a guy who takes care of himself and works out but drinks a ton of beer. I see this a lot in Fire Fighters.

Also, I never eat refined sugar. Cake, candy, things like that. Thing is, I never really did. Normal sugar is ok. Like granulated stuff you put in your coffee, but avoid if you can. Also, avoid soda at all costs its poision. Again though, I never really enjoyed that stuff anyway so that wasn’t to big of a change for me.

6 Weeks and youll be a new man. Then, if you want to get ripped lifting weights it will come so much easier. By the 4th of July I can have you cut like a Batman costume. And, its not even that hard!

Hope this helps. Hope you do it.

Funny you should mention HIIT training, I was planning on starting to do it this weekend. In addition, I plan on doing cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. I have tried this before in the past with good results, however I stopped doing it due to time constraints. My diet at the moment is somewhat clean. I basically cut out all junk food with the exceptions of my cheat meals once a week. I also stopped eating simple carbs and now have switched over to complex carbs which at the moment includes oatmeal, brown rice, kidney and black beans, and sweet potatoe. I eat fruit to get my sugar fix, but I think I can decrease my serving size for fruits as well as complex carbs. I was out with coworkers last night at a thai restaurant and was really surprised I couldn't finish my entree of thai curry with noodles. The bowl wasn't big by any means but I was stuffed about 3/4 of the way into eating it. I think my stomach has shrunk in size. I hardly ever drink pop anymore but if I do its a coke zero with no calories. I also hardly drink beer except when out with friends. I was on track to losing a good amount of weight each month since starting my new diet and fitness regime but got derailed due to exams and my ridiculously tough placement. Now I'm trying to get back on track but also to do better forms of cardio to maximize efficiency and time. I try to lift weights 2-3 x a week as well. Gaining muscle doesn't seem to be the issue, however my chest could use some more inches. Getting the six pack is the hard part.

 

[thunder_god]

Dating and Relationships

The blonde salsa chick wasn't at the gym yesterday when I worked out so couldn't do nothing. I did however spot another cute chick who I previously saw about 2-3 weeks ago at the gym. I'm kind of puzzled as to how to approach and game her. I think if I were to use a direct opener, I'd most likely get blown out. I'm thinking instead to try and stay near her orbit and try to make eye contact and see if she bites. If she looks back, I would say hi, and take it from there. I think I might need to work on her for 2-3 weeks before I can ask for the #.

I was at a somewhat close friend's wedding dinner last night. I thought it would be a good idea to meet chicks there since you always hear about chicks getting jealous that their friends are getting hitched and they are being excluded. Anyways the wedding dinner was very small, I mean like 3 tables small. There were only 2 girls who weren't related to the bride and groom and that were around my age range. They were apparently sisters. Both Vietnamese. The younger sister was butt ugly, really dark tanned skinned, and had braces on. The older sister was abit more tolerable. Anyways I didn't really have any intentions of dating neither one. I thought I would get some gaming practice in. I tried to talk to the older sister since she was the better looking of the two. She kept on giving me one word answers and it didn't give me much to work with. She also didn't ask me anything about me other then what I studied or where I went to school and she kept talking about career and school with me and her younger sister. She was also acting like a mother to the younger sister as well, telling her what to do. I really struggled to keep the conversation going on with her because she seemed bored. It was like a complete 180 to the conversation I had with the Chinese girl from my placement that I # closed on friday who by the way looks better then her. Anyways after a while, my best friend who is kind of known as a player tries his luck with her. Again he struck out like me lol. Definitely was one of my weakest performances to date but whatever. I'm slowly starting to get back into gaming again. Each girl I interact with is an opportunity to improve my social skills and experience level with women. We'll see what happens this week.

 

[thunder_god]

Dating and Relationships

Fcuk I'm so pi$$ed off at myself right now. I pu$$ied out of asking two girls out from my salsa class. It also didn't help that as soon as my conversation started to heat up during class with each girl I had to switch partners. By the time I came back to talk to the girl, the spark had died out. The chinese medical student girl was lingering around watching the advanced class with her coat on, I should have approached her and talked to her, but what do I do instead? I fcucking walk the fcuk outta there FCUK!!! I then pretend to linger around and hang out by the lounge upstairs waiting for her to leave. So finally I catch up to her on the street, and I fcuking try too hard to be ****y and funny while walking and talking to her and then end up pu$$ing out while she walks the other direction to go home after 5 minutes. Frig!

A few months ago, I was able to cold approach over a dozen girls out on the street and ask them out and now I can't even ask a girl out from a social club wtf is wrong with me? This weekend if I see the blonde chick working out at the gym, I'm gonna go straight up to her and talk to her regardless of whether or not she is working out. I'm sick and tired of this bull$hit.

 

[thunder_god]

I have decided that I need to push myself again and start doing things that make me uncomfortable such as talking to girls at the gym even if they are working out and my mind is making up all sorts of bull$hit excuses like "oh she's working out, you shouldn't bother her", or "she's trying to pay attention to class". My anxiety problem has definitely come back to bite me in the a$$ as evidenced by my failure to act today. maybe I need to start doing cold approaches again somewhere. I need to somehow desensitize my approach anxiety again.

 

[thunder_god]

Been busy as fcuk as of late with school. I'm pretty much packed with exams and assignments all the way until the second week of April. Today I was at my salsa class where it was a social dance class meaning you just practice and dance without instruction. I haven't taken my salsa lessons seriously in the past and just slacked off coming to class once a week. Lately I have been coming to the revelation that my dancing sucks a$$ and people who started after me have now surpassed me. I was still able to live with that, however now my dance partners are looking really bored and pi$$ed off at me for not being a good dancer and not knowing what to do. Before I took salsa classes so that I could meet chicks, I didn't give a $hit about salsa, but now my pride as a man is hurting. Forget about picking up chicks doing salsa, I'm getting looked down upon for not knowing how to dance and all my dance partners don't like dancing with me any more. I have decided to take salsa seriously once I'm done all my exams in April. I'm planning on going out and practice 3x week. I feel fcuking terrible right now.

I also just started my first boxing class last night. It was pretty good. There wasn't any girls then unfortunately but I didn't take boxing because I wanted to meet girls, I took it because I love martial arts and its something I can pick up relatively quickly and become good at. One of the instructors there who was a boxing champion was praising me, telling me that on my stronger side, I could knock someone out with one punch. I received a lot of good feedback from all of the instructors there (there was 5). Boxing is definitely something I'm going to stick with and train hard at. I found when I do martial arts I'm able to be focused and present in the moment. My mind does not overthink and analyze bull$hit like it does most of the time with everything else. In my salsa class its analyzing $hit like crazy, from trying to figure out the next move to trying to talk to the girl. I'm having trouble multitasking in this area.

I also have been working on my communication and presentation skills for the past 2-3 weeks. I just completed a presentation today at school. I received a lot of good feedback from my classmates and especially my prof, who said my presentation was very good and that I was very funny. That's actually surprising considering that I'm not really funny. I intend to continuing to work on this skill so that I'm more charismatic when I'm doing presentations and able to relax and not have my mind come up with all sorts of bull$hit as to why I'm a $hitty presenter and making me a nervous wreck.

To date, I have been putting in between 8-12 hrs a week into personal growth and development. Everything from hitting the gym 2-3 x week, social communication skills, reading books, dance lessons, improve comedy classes, etc. I'm quite happy with this number, however I will need to cut out some of these things as I get better at them and re-prioritize certain things that are really lacking such as dance lessons.

 

[thunder_god]

I just had a date today with some chick that I met through eHarmony. I completely bombed the date after the second half. I feel like $hit right now . The girl was a nice conservative wholesome girl too. I wasn't really physically attracted to her, she was maybe a 6 but still. We had our date at a starbucks. I wanted to take her to a starbucks near my house that was more quieter but she wanted to meet half way so we met up at a more busy starbucks. We had agreed to meet at 7, however she texted me about 5 mins before we were to meet that she was running 15 minutes late. I was a nervous wreck leading up to the date too which didn't help. Anyways the date started off ok, I paid for her drink, she was doing like 75-80% of the talking. Her leg was touching mines at one point underneath the table. However at about the 50 minute mark, I noticed things started to die down. The starbucks was busy with people sitting besides us on both sides. I tried to get her to change venues by suggesting we grab food, but she said she already ate so that didn't pan out. I wasn't able to dive deep into the conversation nor did I know how to lead the conversation. My best friend, who had helped me get her out on a date had suggested that I need to be the old me because using "game" that I had acquired this year would not work with her because she was not into playing games. Anyways needless to say, I couldn't be my old self either but rather something sandwiched between the old me and the new me except I didn't know which option to go to which left me clueless. I did pay her a compliment and told her she looked a lot more beautiful in person compared to her online photos. I also told her she had a sexy french accent and to not get rid of it. That was pretty much the extent of my flirting skills tonight. I had looked at my watch at one point because first of all I needed to go home and study and second because I didn't want to spend more then 1-2 hrs there. So she saw me look at my watch and then asked me if I needed to go and I replied something like "oh, not yet but I do need to go study later", which was stupid. I'm going to try and not look at my watch from now on or better yet take the fcuking watch off next time. I think I tend to do this when I get nervous. I also did this with my oneitis last year although I toned it down a lot this time.

Anyways when the silence started to creep up, I told her lets get out of here. Then I told her lets go for a walk. I couldn't come up with $hit to say as we were walking so it was awkward. At one point, they were playing some latin music at one of the stores we pasted so I stuck my hand out and was like ok show me some moves. She takes dance lessons. She didn't bite. Then after like 5-10 minutes of walking she said, I'm going to go on the subway and then suggested we can go out for food next time, but I don't think there is going to be a next time. Overall I'm really fcuking disappointed in myself. That was a terrible fcuking date. I think I need to focus more on just having fun on the date and stop being so outcome dependent.

I also got another indian chick's number from my salsa class. There was 2 other chicks in my salsa class that I wanted to ask out but I pu$$ied out of doing it so at the end I said fcuk it and just went after this chick, because she has a nice rack. She seems down to go out, but I'm not really into her and definitely wouldn't date her. I got some pi$$ed off at myself that I just texted her and asked her to go grab drinks.

Fcuk I feel like complete $hit right now .

 

[narcissist]

I just had a date today with some chick that I met through eHarmony. I completely bombed the date after the second half. I feel like $hit right now . The girl was a nice conservative wholesome girl too. I wasn't really physically attracted to her, she was maybe a 6 but still. We had our date at a starbucks. I wanted to take her to a starbucks near my house that was more quieter but she wanted to meet half way so we met up at a more busy starbucks. We had agreed to meet at 7, however she texted me about 5 mins before we were to meet that she was running 15 minutes late. I was a nervous wreck leading up to the date too which didn't help. Anyways the date started off ok, I paid for her drink, she was doing like 75-80% of the talking. Her leg was touching mines at one point underneath the table. However at about the 50 minute mark, I noticed things started to die down. The starbucks was busy with people sitting besides us on both sides. I tried to get her to change venues by suggesting we grab food, but she said she already ate so that didn't pan out. I wasn't able to dive deep into the conversation nor did I know how to lead the conversation. My best friend, who had helped me get her out on a date had suggested that I need to be the old me because using "game" that I had acquired this year would not work with her because she was not into playing games. Anyways needless to say, I couldn't be my old self either but rather something sandwiched between the old me and the new me except I didn't know which option to go to which left me clueless. I did pay her a compliment and told her she looked a lot more beautiful in person compared to her online photos. I also told her she had a sexy french accent and to not get rid of it. That was pretty much the extent of my flirting skills tonight. I had looked at my watch at one point because first of all I needed to go home and study and second because I didn't want to spend more then 1-2 hrs there. So she saw me look at my watch and then asked me if I needed to go and I replied something like "oh, not yet but I do need to go study later", which was stupid. I'm going to try and not look at my watch from now on or better yet take the fcuking watch off next time. I think I tend to do this when I get nervous. I also did this with my oneitis last year although I toned it down a lot this time.

Anyways when the silence started to creep up, I told her lets get out of here. Then I told her lets go for a walk. I couldn't come up with $hit to say as we were walking so it was awkward. At one point, they were playing some latin music at one of the stores we pasted so I stuck my hand out and was like ok show me some moves. She takes dance lessons. She didn't bite. Then after like 5-10 minutes of walking she said, I'm going to go on the subway and then suggested we can go out for food next time, but I don't think there is going to be a next time. Overall I'm really fcuking disappointed in myself. That was a terrible fcuking date. I think I need to focus more on just having fun on the date and stop being so outcome dependent.

congruence is a huge part of attraction, if you are sandwiched between two dichotomous selves, you are likely to come across as having a less secured identity. Women can pick up on this. It can be hard to apply an absolutist point of view to women in terms of personality because we like to gauge different women and see what personality would work best to get their particular attraction, but this is ultimately too much work. you have to adopt a persona that you are comfortable in and use it on all women and come to accept that some women will like you and some wont. But doing this your chances are much better, and the ones that don't like you will still respect you because of your identity congruency. No need to be upset. Take it as a positive learning experience.

 

[thunder_god]

congruence is a huge part of attraction, if you are sandwiched between two dichotomous selves, you are likely to come across as having a less secured identity. Women can pick up on this. It can be hard to apply an absolutist point of view to women in terms of personality because we like to gauge different women and see what personality would work best to get their particular attraction, but this is ultimately too much work. you have to adopt a persona that you are comfortable in and use it on all women and come to accept that some women will like you and some wont. But doing this your chances are much better, and the ones that don't like you will still respect you because of your identity congruency. No need to be upset. Take it as a positive learning experience.

Ya I think I'm gonna go back to my ****y and funny way of interacting with women. I just need to calibrate a bit more and tone it down as to not go overboard. I was so mad at myself that afterwards I made a date with the Indian chick set for 2 weeks later because I have exams I need to study for and I don't want to constantly worry about getting home to study for my exams like today's date. I'm gonna try and get that other blonde chick's number from my salsa class who I chickened out of asking for when I see her at the gym this saturday.

 

[thunder_god]

congruence is a huge part of attraction, if you are sandwiched between two dichotomous selves, you are likely to come across as having a less secured identity. Women can pick up on this. It can be hard to apply an absolutist point of view to women in terms of personality because we like to gauge different women and see what personality would work best to get their particular attraction, but this is ultimately too much work. you have to adopt a persona that you are comfortable in and use it on all women and come to accept that some women will like you and some wont. But doing this your chances are much better, and the ones that don't like you will still respect you because of your identity congruency. No need to be upset. Take it as a positive learning experience.

Do you have any suggestions or ideas on how I could have escalated it to at least get further? What venue would you have choose? and if the girl wanted to meet halfway for your first time, how would you have responded?

 

[thunder_god]

Its been a rough 2 weeks. I found out last saturday that I failed my practical exam. I had spent over a month preparing for that exam and even got a tutor but in the end it wasn't good enough. Right now I'm waiting on my school to give me a decision on whether or not I can redo my practical exam and continue in the program. I'm really lost and confused right now with my future.


I was suppose to setup 2 dates with two different chicks early this week but I've been so busy studying for my final written exam and stressing the hell out about it that I completely threw that out of the window. Right now I'm depressed and stressed out about my future.

 

[thunder_god]

I re-initiated contact with both of the girls I was suppose to go out on dates with this week, unfortunately the one that I actually want to go out with (a french chick) got on a plane and left for nyc for the weekend. I was suppose to make plans with her earlier this week but my exams plus all that other crap I had to deal with really killed my mood. I'm going out with an indian chick from my salsa class. I don't really want to go out with her, and definitely don't want to kiss her either but she has nice titts and I need the experience. Its going to be my first time attempting to ask a chick to come back to my place. Its kind of nerve wrecking. The pub I picked is right across the street from my apartment lol. Easy logistics. I'm gonna go to the gym and see if that white chick from my salsa class is there working out tmr and try and get her # and ask her out. Also all of my leads from eHarmony have disappeared on me. At my peak, I had 5 chicks who I was talking to on eHarmony then they all just disappeared wtf.

I went to the career centre today to get some advice about my future career paths. They told me to go home and come up with a list of anything I have ever wanted to do regardless if it sounds crazy or not and make another appointment with them in 2 weeks after I find out my situation with my program. I also talked to the front desk staff there about french lessons being offered because I saw a sign in another building that said they were offering lessons. Anyways the chick at the front desk gave me two places where I can learn some languages. I'm kind of excited about this.

I also had my first intermediate boxing class yesterday. Its kind of crazy to think that after only 4 classes, they told me to come train in the intermediate class saying the beginner is too basic for me lol. It was an intense class and I even got to spar with some guy who had taken boxing for a few yrs now. I thought I was going to get my a$$ kicked. We had a good match, he catch me with a really good right hook that rocked me while I cornered him a few times and just piled on punch after punch while he was in the corner. My jobs seem to have scared him off during the match as I was always stalking him and being the aggressor. Tomorrow I have another boxing class. Last week during this saturday class there were 3 new chicks that showed up. One of them, a white chick caught my eye. I didn't get a chance to talk to any of them as I came in late, and two of the three trainers were fighting over what gets to train me lol. They had me do separate drills instead of the stuff everybody else was doing.

 

[thunder_god]

Dating and Relationships

So today was the big day. I had a date setup for tonight, except I didn't prepare my place yet. My room was a mess. I didn't have any alcohol nor did I know whether or not I have any protection left. I rushed home after boxing and cleaned up my room, and found some extra protection I had left over. I had to text the indian chick and let her know that I was going to have to push our date 30 mins later. This I believe is a good thing because if she intends to flake, she will most likely let you know when you text her about it thus saving you time. Anyways I didn't hear from the chick until 40 mins before our date. I also had a shot of vodka before our date to help me ease the tension and anxiety I usually feel as my buddy had suggested. So I show up at the pub which is like 2 mins from my apartment and I text the chick to let her know I'm here and I'll grab a table for us two. Anyways I don't get a reply back, so at 5 minutes I start to panic a little. Had I been had again? Did she flake? If she was going to flake, then why confirm with me 40 mins before? I text my buddy and he is like just call her. I tell him I'll give her a few more minutes then call her. I was intending to call her after 10 minutes, but then near the 10 minute mark, she texts me back that she is at the front and to come get her. I see her and give her a hug and we sit down. I knew from my previous botched date with the french chick that I needed to do things differently this time. I couldn't go back to the pre-game version of me like my best bud suggested I do with the french chick and not play any games. So I said **** it, I'm just going to wing it and say whatever the hell I want to say and have fun and use self amusement.

The date went great. We had a lot of laughs and I teased her abit as well, but I didn't go overboard with it. I was also comfortable with silences as well, and she felt the need to break the silence instead of me lol. Near the end of the date, I even started to throw in sexual innuedos and started becoming more sexual when she told me she had a tattoo. I was also able to start building rapport and a deeper connection near the end, when she mentioned she moved around a lot when she was younger and I told her I also had the same thing happen to me. We had talked so much I lost track of time, and then near the end when I glanced at my watch, 3 hrs had almost pasted. Just as things started to die down, I moved her from the pub to outside. We started walking towards my apartment. I noticed she started to start getting closer and closer into my personal space until she started invading it. This tells me what I had done on the date had worked. I knew the time was ripe. During our walk, I even asked her for a sneak peek at the tattoo and she was like not out here, so I'm like "well my apartment is over there" and she is like "then why are we walking away from there?". See as great as the date went and how it appeared she was down to ****, there was a big problem.

I wasn't attracted to her and couldn't get horny no matter what. She had a nice rack, and I even tried to stare at it for a few seconds when I was trying to figure out where her tattoo was while she made me guess the location, but I could not for the life of me, get horny. In fact, I had originally planned on cancelling the date but I knew I needed the experience to test $hit out so that I wouldn't botch any future dates with girls I like, like I did 2 weeks ago when I got really nervous and anxious with the french chick, plus my best buddy also supported my view on it and said if after 30 mins or so you don't want to be there, then just bolt and come with me to the salsa club. So I agreed and went on the date. I walked her halfway to the subway station and then gave her a hug and left. I'm sure she is really baffled and confused with my actions at the end. I'm kind of pi$$ed off at myself that I didn't pull the trigger and I really now seriously think there is something fcuked up about me. I tried really hard to make myself want to bang this chick but I in the end I couldn't do it. I was not attracted to her one bit, plus her background didn't help either. If it was a white chick that would have been another story. Anyways, I'm not exactly sure where I go from here. I had a pretty good opportunity tonight to nail a chick and I gave up on it . What the hell is the matter with me?

Update: I just checked facebook, and my date seems really angry and pi$$ed off. She posted a rant about someone asking her for directions and then telling her "she's beautiful" instead of thanking her. I don't think it really was about this random stranger but because of what I didn't do on the date.