Disrespect from one of my gf's guy friends, advice needed

[Voice]

I haven't really been here too much since I established an ltr a few months ago. She's been a great girlfriend for the most part, has been very good to me and is cute as hell. We recently got in our first fight. She's my first legitimate gf since I've started on this journey so I'm still learning as I go along and would appreciate advice from seasoned veterans.

Anyway me, her and a bunch of friends were pregaming before going into the city. I noticed a facebook notification on my smartphone. I checked it and I find a comment on a picture of me and my gf from a guy friend of hers who I've never met.

Comment says, "Is this you're boyfriend? He looks like ****. Hahaha, I'm just kidding don't be mad."

After I read that I was obviously mad but it was pretty simple, he was calling me out and I was going to come back at him. I hold grudges really hard and wasn't going to let some random clown disrespect me.

Now, what made me really mad was HER response which I read next, "OMG you're such a jerk. lol love ya <3"

He responds with "Haha You love it!!!"

At this point, the level of disrespect I experienced almost made me throw up. I wouldn't be surprised if it looked like my head was going to explode. Love ya?!! Hearts?!! You gotta be kidding me. I basically asked who the fvck this kid is. She begged me not to respond to it because I know she hates confrontation, but of course I was going to say something, this kid called me out in a public forum. I only responded with "fvck off". It's also pretty funny that it took one of my FRIEND'S gf to respond with a comment on my side. Her response was "Voice is a hottie!".

She since deleted the entire picture and all the comments from facebook. If you can imagine I was more angry with my gf than anything. The rest of the night I didn't go out of my way to talk to her and instead hung out with my bros. She was clearly upset and told me I was being rude. I told her I wasn't being rude I just had a right to be mad and didn't want to talk to her.

The next day I took her to the train without any conversation and haven't called or text her until today when she texted me with an apology. I basically told her I wasn't going to take any type of disrespect and let her know that HER comment disrespected me more than anything and if she couldn't understand that then I didn't know what else to say. She said she was sorry and was only trying to diffuse the situation. She told me she didn't want to start something where everyone could see it and texted this kid in private to 'defend' me.

Here's where I need advice. I'm trying to send a message here to my gf that I'm not going to take disrespect from her or anyone else. I don't know whether I should just take her word for it and start talking to her again or let her worry for a little longer. Also I feel like I still need to get back at her clown-ass friend. I have this HUGE urge right now to egg the **** out of his house and/or car. I want to send a message to him not to fvck with me.

 

[headFirst]

Let it go. It's a first offense on her. She already realizes she screwed up when you made it clear, and she apologized. She may not of thought much about it, and you put it into perspective for her. The worst thing you can do is drag this out.

If it happens again toss her. But for now let it go. Tell her if that guy says something again, you will do something about it. But for now you trust her and you don't want to make it any bigger than it needs to be.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

He just reminds me of the typical college "bro". In that age group, there are some guys whose game is just to say loud, ignorant things because thats the only way they get attention. They don't fight. They don't even try to fight. They're just the loudest guy in the room, which is usually the weakest guy in the room. It was just this kid's way of flirting with your girl. But since he's a d-bag, he has to flirt in a douchey way.

I'm not gonna lie. When I was 22, I would have been just as pissed as you are. "This kid is calling me out?! F**king up my street cred!" But in reality, it's just your gf's douchey friend talking smack on facebook and jerking off into a kleenex 30 minutes later because he has no woman and no life. Paying attention to losers like that only gives them power. And getting angry about it....why bother? Your girlfriend didnt mean anything by it and the kid is just a kid. And trust me, I have no problem telling a guy when his gf is clowning him. I just dont see it in this situation.

 

[Groovy]

Wow you are in total rage mode bra. That, in my opinion, should not bother u one bit at all... You reek of insecurity. But ur girlfriend took your side, you are a lucky guy. I'm glad some other girl took your side too, that is amazing for your situation. but to be honest, I am kind of glad this happened,because in the end he was like "you love it", which implies he is hitting on your girlfriend, but here we enter in over-analyzation. Again, I would just ignore everything, if you are the DJ should you be worrying about other guys hitting on your hot GF? There will always be a million on them, so better to work on yourself and become the prize, then you will be care free. EDIT: Of course, you did right commenting with your girlfriend, because her response was, indeed, ambiguous, but the rage could have all been spared, that's my point.

I hope someone else has more advice for you then I have! Good luck!

PS: I am glad I don't have facebook! And if my GF had a FB I wouldn't let her post pictures of us there unless she passed some major hoops first!

PPS:
Him: "Is this you're boyfriend? He looks like ****. Hahaha, I'm just kidding don't be mad."
You: "You're crazy".

 

[Vice]

Get off the b*tch train, Voice. There's always going to be haters, and reacting to them in the way you did shows that their irrelevant opinion of you has affected you.

I can't find the blog post, but if you search around the manosphere you can find a very well written post about how situations like this actually make you look better.

Do NOT message him, he's gonna start talking more sh*t behind your back and then everyone will think you're "mad bruh" and it'll make you seem salty.

Don't let it affect you. As you date more and more beautiful women there will always be haters.

 

[Purefilth]

^ what he said, but also it Sounds like her friend is trying to assert his position as an alpha, but he's being a d!ck about it. I'm probably not the best advisor on these matters because I tend to go toe2toe with assh0les like this.

 

[CostaDeSol]

Now, what made me really mad was HER response which I read next, "OMG you're such a jerk. lol love ya <3"

He responds with "Haha You love it!!!"

OUCH.

YOUR gf's response was pretty crappy. "love ya <3"? Are you f'n kidding me?

But i wouldn't be really mad at HIM. This happened to me the last time i had a gf and the guy that did it to me was an immature clown. I didn't think about him after she told me. He was just a loud clown.


I think your gf is immature and has a flirty nature. You can let her know that she disrespected you and ignore her for a couple/few days, just to give you sometime to let some steam out.

You don't have to next her, but be ready for her to be immature/flirty again. maybe not like this, but her immature/flirty nature will come up again.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Look, you already won the fight. Drop the subject. You have nowhere to go but down from here.

 

[In10se]

At this point drop it, ignoring that whole ordeal would've been ideal, but you can easily fire back with a witty comment...

Damn, bro didn't know you came on FB to rate guys looks?

 

[Voice]

Good advice bros I appreciate it. I'm probably overreacting. I can care less WHAT the d-bag said. If my gf didn't have that response I probably wouldn't have made much of it. I probably would have laughed it off. It was the PERCEIVED disrespect from my gf that hit me. Now I realize she meant no disrespect, it was just her way of trying to avoid a confrontation.

I guess I just have to get used to dudes hating on me and learn how to deal with it.

 

[ScottMustaine]

Him: "Is this you're boyfriend? He looks like ****. Hahaha, I'm just kidding don't be mad."
You: I think you missed the comment section. This is Facebook. Not gay porn site.


Just don't dwell anymore on that. Keep it cool and continue with relationship. She tried to diffuse the situation. But I must say that comment would shake me with that 'love ya ' ****. But don't look at me. I'm quite paranoid and over-analyzing type. Even wrong look and I might suspect she's cheating.

 

[BigSmooth]

Okay, here's the deal.

There's a lot of posters telling you to just "act confident and act like you have high self-esteem so this won't bother you".

It's good advice; however, it's really not that simple.


If you ALREADY possess these insecurities and feelings, "acting" more confident or acting like you have more self-esteem isn't going to do anything. You can't ACT like someone you're not, especially in this situation. Sooner or later, those feelings will come back up and you'll be angrier than ever and you might be led to do something dumb.


And I understand where you are coming from. The guy's comment isn't a big deal he's just some no-name dbag. However, YOUR girlfriend SEEMED like she didn't even stick up for YOU! WHAT GIVES?! ...right?

Wrong. A girl/women's way of diffusing a situation is different than what a man would do, and even then it varies from woman to woman. What you THOUGHT was a sign of disrespect from your girlfriend actually was her just trying to diffuse the situation. You have to understand, no sane women (especially a girlfriend) takes kindly to some guy outright blatantly insulting their man like that. It just doesn't work that way. But since she didn't want to start something on Facebook, she just tried to diffuse the situation the best way she knew how... IN A GIRLY WAY!


The solution here isn't to just act more confident. The solution is that you have to realize and come to understand that women and men react very differently to these kinds of things, and there's really no "wrong or right" way, because a way you perceive is wrong is her "right" way of doing things.


Hopefully as you come to understand this, your anger and insecurities will come to pass. It's definitely not a bad thing to show that you demand respect. But you've already had your turn. She knows now. Don't keep pushing it. If you do, you WILL come off as a weak, jealous, insecure person and she WILL reflect on what her guy friend said and she'll think to herself..."wow maybe he WAS right"...and the whole situation will be turned on YOU next time you two get in an argument, and she will point out that maybe it's best that y'all have some time apart because you can't handle dealing with your insecurities and self-esteem issues.


Good luck and stay calm.

~BSmooth

 

[Voice]

Remember, respect is EVERYTHING.

You did not over-react at all. In fact, you under-reacted.

He disrespected you publicly, and she affirmed it. That is total absolute blatant spit-in-your-face disrespect.

This is exactly what I thought at first and exactly why I was mad. But can BigSmooth be right? Is it just her way of trying to diffuse the situation in her own girly way? At first I would have totally agreed with you but after reading BigSmooth's post and thinking about this logically instead of with my ego he may be right. She made a mistake and probably didn't understand she was disrespecting me. Don't get me wrong I made sure she understands what she did and made sure she never makes that mistake again. She's young and inexperienced like me so I'll give her a break.

Personally I would demand that she lose his FB connection to him, and his phone number if she has it.

Nah, I'm not going to demand anything of her. If she respects me enough she'd do this by herself. If not, then we might have a problem, but I'm not going to control her. If anything THAT is a sign of insecurity.

Her even remaining in contact with him is continued disrespect. If she refuses to accept that, ask her what she would think if one of your friends posted on a pic of her saying she looked like a piece of $hit.

I did this exact thing in my text and put things in perspective for her. I agree that sometimes you need to do that because guys and girls may look at the world differently. She seemed to understand and said she'd never mean to disrespect me. I believe her.

If she refused to drop the friend, I would drop her. Respect is everything, words are wind and actions are everything. If she wants to diffuse the situation, have her drop the @sshat.

Don't be the PG rated Voice, be the R rated Voice.

I agree respect IS everything. At first when I was all caught up in emotions I would have said this exact thing. Now I realize this kid is a clown. We/she told him not to mess with us. If he ever says anything again we may have a problem, but overreaction probably isn't the best answer.

I appreciate the advice though.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Playa don't let anyone disrespect you homie. I would have done the same thing (I probably would have said more) but I would make sure I wasn't put in the same situation. The reason I can't be put in that situation is because I don't have a Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram... When I get my first million I'll think about it.

What kind of relationship are you in where she is pregaming and going out in the city.

Doesn't sound like she is LTR material homie! She doesn't acknowledge why you are mad. She just knows your mad and is apologizing. She is young brother. You got to let her go through her "h0 stage"!!

 

[Voice]

What kind of relationship are you in where she is pregaming and going out in the city.

We were BOTH going into the city together with a bunch of friends from college to celebrate friends of ours' birthdays. This happened when we were in the same room.

Doesn't sound like she is LTR material homie! She doesn't acknowledge why you are mad. She just knows your mad and is apologizing. She is young brother. You got to let her go through her "h0 stage"!!

I've played the field throughout college and she's the only girl I've met that I would ever consider dating. She actually asked me out first and I declined but finally caved in when I realized how good she was to me. I enjoyed being single but in terms of LTR material I know a good one when I see one.

Thanks for your perspective though.

 

[Zerro]

BigSmooth,

I have to disagree.

A woman who has the appropriate interest level would *never* allow her man to be publicly dis-respected that way.

A woman with the appropriate interest would delete the post. Not endorse it with verbal hearts, effectively rewarding the offending man and his comment.

It doesn't matter what her intentions were, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. What matters is that she gave an endorsing response to a guy giving her man serious disrespect.

Exactly, the correct thing for her to do would have been to delete the comment right away and privately tell the guy not to do that.

 

[Voice]

Because I wanted to pick the minds of other people with their own unique experiences and perspectives. What better place to do that then a message board about girls. Listen, I take everything I read here with a grain of salt including your posts. You don't think I would have the best judgment as to what to do with my own gf? Nobody here knows anything about me or my gf except that which I tell them.

I'm pretty aware of the situation. This was the first mistake she has ever made. It's up to me if I want to give her a second chance or not. I have the upper hand in this relationship. If there is any disrespect again I won't hesitate to dump.

I'm not saying you're not right. You could very well be and if you are then I'll come back here and let you and everyone else know.

I'm still learning man, and I'm not really afraid to make mistakes.

 

[BigSmooth]

Remember, respect is EVERYTHING.

You did not over-react at all. In fact, you under-reacted.

He disrespected you publicly, and she affirmed it. That is total absolute blatant spit-in-your-face disrespect.

Personally I would demand that she lose his FB connection to him, and his phone number if she has it.

Her even remaining in contact with him is continued disrespect. If she refuses to accept that, ask her what she would think if one of your friends posted on a pic of her saying she looked like a piece of $hit.

If she refused to drop the friend, I would drop her. Respect is everything, words are wind and actions are everything. If she wants to diffuse the situation, have her drop the @sshat.

Don't be the PG rated Voice, be the R rated Voice.

I tend to agree with you, and while I do believe in the mentality that respect is everything, I don't think this situation is necessarily as serious as you or some others are portraying it to be.


I'm not suggesting he be an AFC in this situation, but there is nothing wrong with cooling down the hot-head and knowing when to be angry and forceful and when to know you are overreacting.

You did not over-react at all. In fact, you under-reacted.

He disrespected you publicly, and she affirmed it. That is total absolute blatant spit-in-your-face disrespect.

Yes he did disrespect him, but I don't think she affirmed it (from what I said in my previous post). I also don't think it's spit-in-your-face disrespect.


I've seen stuff like this happen before in the past. A few of my buddies actually were in Voice's position, and their girlfriends reacted in a similar manner to Voice's girlfriend. Instead of overreacting and demanding respect and preaching about how respect is everything, they shrugged it off and continued to do their own thing, because they were confident in the relationship they had already established and the mutual respect they had for each other AND the understanding of how the other gender works in trying to diffuse a situation. To this day, they are all still dating each other with relationships stronger than ever...and the losers who insulted them are long gone from both their lives. Things tend to work themselves out when you are confident about your situation.

It's not unusual to see a young woman (especially at the ripe age of ~20) to respond in this manner. They definitely aren't agreeing with or affirming to the dbag...it's just their way of saying "wow I can't believe you just said that...my respect for you has just went down but I won't make a big deal over a public social networking site." Like this site preaches, women don't mean what they say. That loser of a male probably thinks he is now able to get with that girl because of what she wrote on Facebook.

Personally I would demand that she lose his FB connection to him, and his phone number if she has it.

If Voice is correct about this being her first "offense", this is a bit of a overreaction and actually does more harm than good.

Telling your girlfriend to lose a guy friend has its time and place, and in my opinion this is neither.

If Voice continues to be Voice (assuming he has confidence, self-assurance, good morals, a streak of charisma), there's no reason he will lose this girl.

Don't be the PG rated Voice, be the R rated Voice.

Like I said earlier, there's a time and place to be a man deemed worthy of being a Spartan, and there is a time and place to be a wise man unfazed by the trivial social drama unfolding around him.

 

[BigSmooth]

I'm still learning man, and I'm not really afraid to make mistakes.

That IS, and will always be, the best way to learn.

 

[Mike32ct]

My gut feeling is she has a past "history" with online comment man.

I'm not necessarily saying she's a cheater, but they almost talk like couple that hooked up in the past (before your relationship), but the sexual tension is still there. Comment man did this out of jealousy.

But I agree with Danger that girls generally don't tolerate someone disrespecting thier bf. That part is troubling.