Disrespect from one of my gf's guy friends, advice needed

[cordoncordon]

This is a tough one. On one hand, this is kids stuff. I mean grown adults with things going on in their lives don't get into spitting wars over FB. At the same time, your gf did disrespect your relationship. I think it is pretty obvious that your gf and this guy have been talking about you behind your back, and from the looks of things, not in a good way. That "you love it" comment to me says they have been talking bad about you, especially your girl, and so the guy made the comment in kind of "this is just between us" kind of way. I can absolutely promise you that if some friend of my gf's made a comment like that about me on her FB? The comment would either have been deleted or she would have told him in so many words to go F himself-of course in a girly way. And her love ya comment was just way over the top considering what the guy said. Kidding or not.

Now, did you overreact? Looking back at it...yes. It would have been better to remain calm and cool, yet forceful. But turn the situation around, pretend some friend of yours said a derogatory comment about her, and especially if she was a girl, kidding or not, and if you came back with "love ya", I can promise you all hell would have broken loose. But since you already blew up, I would not bring it up again, but make it very clear via your actions that you are not happy. Don't initiate any contact for the next week or two, be nice, but short with her. Show her that stuff like that will not be tolerated.

And oh, if this was me? I would be on the lookout for another girl very soon, because this girl, no matter what you believe, does not truly have your back.

 

[Voice]

This is a tough one. On one hand, this is kids stuff. I mean grown adults with things going on in their lives don't get into spitting wars over FB. At the same time, your gf did disrespect your relationship. I think it is pretty obvious that your gf and this guy have been talking about you behind your back, and from the looks of things, not in a good way. That "you love it" comment to me says they have been talking bad about you, especially your girl, and so the guy made the comment in kind of "this is just between us" kind of way. I can absolutely promise you that if some friend of my gf's made a comment like that about me on her FB? The comment would either have been deleted or she would have told him in so many words to go F himself-of course in a girly way. And her love ya comment was just way over the top considering what the guy said. Kidding or not.

Now, did you overreact? Looking back at it...yes. It would have been better to remain calm and cool, yet forceful. But turn the situation around, pretend some friend of yours said a derogatory comment about her, and especially if she was a girl, kidding or not, and if you came back with "love ya", I can promise you all hell would have broken loose. But since you already blew up, I would not bring it up again, but make it very clear via your actions that you are not happy. Don't initiate any contact for the next week or two, be nice, but short with her. Show her that stuff like that will not be tolerated.

And oh, if this was me? I would be on the lookout for another girl very soon, because this girl, no matter what you believe, does not truly have your back.

Eh, you might be right but how do I find out if they were/are talking behind my back without being an insecure boyfriend and snooping in on all her texts? She claims she defended me in a private text and told dbag to leave her alone. She says she'll even show me what she said in the text. She was so willing to prove she defended me that I declined because I believed her. I'm not going to ask her now because that would be insecure and weird. Although I am pretty curious right now.

It's not like I can stop other guys from trying to contact her. Texting and IMs are so secretive. For all I know she can have 10 guys flirting with her via text. I guess that's just what is going to happen when you are dating a pretty girl and there is really nothing you can do about it.

Then again you may be right. If this is how she is responding in a public forum then who knows how she responds to private texts. Her only defense to that was she didn't want her family to see. This is making me over think things way too much.

 

[Uberguy]

But turn the situation around, pretend some friend of yours said a derogatory comment about her, and especially if she was a girl, kidding or not, and if you came back with "love ya", I can promise you all hell would have broken loose. But since you already blew up, I would not bring it up again, but make it very clear via your actions that you are not happy. Don't initiate any contact for the next week or two, be nice, but short with her. Show her that stuff like that will not be tolerated.

And oh, if this was me? I would be on the lookout for another girl very soon, because this girl, no matter what you believe, does not truly have your back.

CC is spot on. Who cares what this clown said about you? His opinion isn't worth @)#$. But this girl sounds really flirty/immature/flakey. You shouldn't show any more insecurity over this incident, but don't trust this girl for a second. Enjoy whatever time you have left, and get as much poon as you can, but be ready to call things off, because she is not someone who respects you.

 

[Zerro]

Big Smooth,

I hear what you are saying. And I used to think that same way.

Until I noticed that some girls *never* do such things to their men. They are so enamored or so respectful of their boyfriend that they do not tolerate anyone talking smack about them.

<snip>

I have been in the OP's shoes, and I have also been the "Dbag commenter". We both know what he's trying to do (get in her pants), it is beyond disrespectful to your relationship for her to entertain this sort of contact with that man. Good catches do not put themselves in questionable positions. And that is exactly what she is doing, keeping herself in a questionable position.

I think that for a lot of guys, especially the younger ones, they run into one girl after another who acts like this and they get it into their heads that it's just the way it is.

Then they finally run into some quality women who don't do this sort of stuff and wonder "why the hell did I ever tolerate that kind of sh!t before?"

 

[EastWind]

Eh, you might be right but how do I find out if they were/are talking behind my back without being an insecure boyfriend and snooping in on all her texts? She claims she defended me in a private text and told dbag to leave her alone. She says she'll even show me what she said in the text. She was so willing to prove she defended me that I declined because I believed her. I'm not going to ask her now because that would be insecure and weird. Although I am pretty curious right now.

This above is the reason we are saying you should dump her: you are on the slippery slope and there's no going back. You can claw at the ground and yell at everyone around you all you want, but the only direction you're going is downhill.

Because now you're asking questions and wondering if she been talking behind your back and to whom and whatnot, but the facts on the table are a) she disrespected you and b) you are NO LONGER CERTAIN about her loyalty and that nagging feeling will NOT go away.

Save yourself a lot of time and nerves, and get off the slope.

I might add that loyalty is something you should never assume, rather, a person should have to prove their loyalty over time by their actions.

 

[mikey2012]

Kill the fuuucker.

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

IDK if this is true but she told me she tried to delete his comment from her phone before anyone saw but she wasn't able do it from her phone. .

Out of interest, what phone does she have, iphone or android? If android then I can vouch for the fact that it can be bloody hard to delete a comment via the app for your phone. I can't speak for the iphone though.


Have to say though that this has been a good discussion. I agree with all points and I've been contemplating how I would respond in your situation.

I can't say for sure but I think I would have gone along the lines of a mixture of all suggestions beforehand. I probably would have replied with something like:

You: You're my hero

Then not contacted her until she contacted me and apologised and chalked it down to a slip up. I go by the two-strike rule however, that would be one strike.

 

[d!ckmojo]

I agree with Danger. This dude AMOG'ed you blatantly, and she responded with "lol"'s and "<3"'s. She even called him a "JERK" (you know what they say about how women love jerks...) Basically, this dude presented the frame that he is more alpha and more attractive than you, and she accepted the frame.

There is nothing you can do to win in this situation bro. I know you think you're on a good thing, but its plain as day to most people here what the real situation is.

In my opinion, the only way you could salvage this situation would be to meet him in person, with her present, and to savagely AMOG him, mercillessly, completely, and thoroughly, until he turns red with embarassment and leaves to have a cry. That, in my opinion, is the only way you can ever get alpha status in her eyes.

Hell, you might even have to physically defeat him in a fight. If you AMOG him and he refuses the frame and AMOG's you straight back again, you can't win dude. You are the loser in this situation, bro. I feel sorry for you.

 

[Desdinova]

Now, what made me really mad was HER response which I read next, "OMG you're such a jerk. lol love ya <3"

My response under that would be "You love him? Then you can have him. Goodbye."

I wouldn't have cared about his comment. He was just trying to c0ckblock you. A committed woman should direct her love towards her man. A wh0re loves everybody.

 

[SamTheHobit]

I personally think that telling the dude to fvck off and let it go is the best possible advice.

You have to have the mindset that other guys just make you look better.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I think that for a lot of guys, especially the younger ones, they run into one girl after another who acts like this and they get it into their heads that it's just the way it is.

Then they finally run into some quality women who don't do this sort of stuff and wonder "why the hell did I ever tolerate that kind of sh!t before?"

This.

The thing is, your girlfriend is backward-rationalizing. She did what she did while on auto-pilot (revealing her true essence) and you can bet she absolutely believes her own backward-rationalizing.

If you administered enough punishment then perhaps she on some level understands that it is inappropriate to answer in the way that she did. I would advise to give her a pass on this one at this point, but to be absolutely sure that she understands that you have expectations and standards for the relationship that had better not be crossed.

Zerro is right... Most young guys do think "this is just the way it is" because of the low volume of women they have come across.

 

[EastWind]

It is still my opinion that you are dealing with the symptoms of something here. Most posters here are right. But that "something" is facebook and social networking in general.

Seriously. It's been discussed enough on here and the consensus is that you're better off not dealing with social networks. It happens to be my personal opinion too.

The flaw in your argument from above is that you assume that someone who doesn't want to deal with a constant stream of social bullcrap is socially awkward or, as you put it, "insecure about their social life."

In my eyes, 95% of people using facebook are retards and have nothing worthwhile to contribute to anything whatsoever, except their labor force.

 

[Voice]

Out of interest, what phone does she have, iphone or android? If android then I can vouch for the fact that it can be bloody hard to delete a comment via the app for your phone. I can't speak for the iphone though.


Have to say though that this has been a good discussion. I agree with all points and I've been contemplating how I would respond in your situation.

I can't say for sure but I think I would have gone along the lines of a mixture of all suggestions beforehand. I probably would have replied with something like:

You: You're my hero

Then not contacted her until she contacted me and apologised and chalked it down to a slip up. I go by the two-strike rule however, that would be one strike.

She has an iphone. Yeah, it's basically impossible to delete stuff from my droid. Most likely it's the same way for the iphone. The facebook app sucks big time.

 

[betheman]

if he says that sort of stuff in view of everyone, wonder what he is mesaaging her in private?

 

[OC Speedball]

IMO you shouldn't have even responded. It's just facebook. I remember my good friend once sent hateful messages to some guy who was commenting on his girlfriend's photos stuff like, "Cutie" and "Looking good." The guy doing the commenting was a major stoner and had little to nothing going for him. But my friend just ended up looking weak by doing that. He is a lot like you though, OP. He rages and flies off the handle over little things like that. Guys like you just need to learn how to control that a little better. On a side note: my friend and the girl are still together two years later. A girl isn't going to leave you for some AFC hitting on her on facebook. Girls get hit on in real life too- you can't think that her deleting her facebook will solve anything.

I agree with the guy in this thread who said that facebook is not the problem. The people that shun facebook are the guys that don't know how to use it, and probably have little to no social circle. They probably had a bad experience adding some girls they liked, and then got rejected by them...and now they blame it on facebook. Facebook is awesome if you use it right. I have been invited to so many parties through facebook. Plus, most people around my age have one and use it to communicate. If you don't have one you are going to miss out on some stuff.

Facebook is merely a tool. It is neither good nor bad.

 

[perseverance]

This wouldn't have happened had you not gotten facebook. Social networking just causes more hassle than it's worth.

I would have been angry if I had read that, I mean a guy know doesn't know me talking sh*t about me, but I would have kept it to myself.

You've created drama for nothing. The best reaction you can give someone is not to react at all.

If this guy has to put someone down in order to try and make himself look better than that says more about him than it does about the person he is trying to put down.

 

[K2000kidd]

What a woman can get away with is often directly linked to how hot she is. Not saying this is the case. Im just sayin'

 

[Zerro]

What a woman can get away with is often directly linked to how hot she is. Not saying this is the case. Im just sayin'

And one of the first big lessons to learn is to punish all women equally. The hot ones don't deserve any more leniency than the ugly ones.

 

[Rubirosa]

Remember, respect is EVERYTHING.

You did not over-react at all. In fact, you under-reacted.

He disrespected you publicly, and she affirmed it. That is total absolute blatant spit-in-your-face disrespect.

Personally I would demand that she lose his FB connection to him, and his phone number if she has it.

Her even remaining in contact with him is continued disrespect. If she refuses to accept that, ask her what she would think if one of your friends posted on a pic of her saying she looked like a piece of $hit.

If she refused to drop the friend, I would drop her. Respect is everything, words are wind and actions are everything. If she wants to diffuse the situation, have her drop the @sshat.

Don't be the PG rated Voice, be the R rated Voice.

I agree 100 %

 

[Vantagepoint34]

Screw Facebook. Seriously alerting your whole social circle of a g/f is probably the worst idea ever. Miss the days of just communicating through land lines and keeping a photo album. The website does more harm than good, just my two cents.