Current GF / Lost interest in Sex

[Learning Curve]

If he was always the one pursuing sexually perhaps her desire was never super high, but desire can be killed even if initially present. There is something in the interaction happening. They are fighting and she is upset/hurt (kills desire), they spend too much time together (no mystery - boring predictable life) which can kill desire....and some people have less sexual nature than others. They may have frustrating communication/miscommunication issues, those are insidious over time and can kill desire.

I have posted previously in other threads that this specific woman is pretty much a woman with no interests, hobbies or activities.

Many discussions have taken place with her with suggestions on how to fill up her time with interests, for her to do something during the day after work and not to sit / netflix / chill all day so she is not bored, this is also part of the problem. I'm not her daddy to try and solve all her psychological problems, sexual problems, i tried as a partner to help her and ignite interest in her daily life and routines.

Many women this days are scrolling on their phones all day, netflix and chill and are gossipping with their girlfriends about what celebrities have done in the past 24 hours which is probably the most boring and stupid thing to waste your daily time on. Part of that is what she is doing, not to a high level of extend as she used too.

But here is the thing, my mission at the moment is to win financially, spiritually, and health wise and to help my family. I have no time to be on the couch all day, netflix and do boring-life-stupid-routines. I'm on a mission to create an interesting life and i want a partner that will do that with me, not a partner who is focused on what season game of thrones has ended on. This was discussed and as she pointed out she understands that she needs to work on that.

Every week there is plan to go somewhere, i plan and lead to do things. I can't do this every single day of the week so she is not bored because she has nothing to do after work, this is what @Gamisch also pointed out her efforts are pretty much like a tea-spoon. She has to figure out things and work to create an interesting life also on HER PART.

I want an interesting life, in the beggining when we met, there was more spark yes, but part of her lifestyle was different because she was coming from another city to stay with me, before she moved in with me. So probably she was not that bored as she is now because she was with her friends in her city and now she is not, but we are going to her city every two weeks, so she can see her family and friends so yes i'm INVESTING in that.

We are in the same house, she is working from home. I get that life can get predictable, and boring but my current lifestyle does not have an active social lifestyle as before, and from experience i know that human beings need to interact and socialize or they will die from boredom.

I get that she is not socializing, she is home all day, but hey you are livin with me, you should be happy to an extend because this was a mutual decision. If this has killed the desire, well then i get that and there is nothing i can do or change. She either will change her boring, predictable behaviours and also provide as a partner some efforts in to this relationship or i'm out and this is done.

To finalize, this is not part of "my problem" and i will transfer this to the next relationship. Is a large part also of her problem, communicaton is there, we are communicating there is some arguments here and there as with all relationships but nothing major.

I have nothing to transfer to a next relationship, My EX was all over me without me having to discuss anything, she was very sexual and she loved sex. So there is a difference of a woman who knows what she wants and a woman who does not understand basic principles on how to keep a man.

Now, i'm done.

Interested to get your point of view as a woman.

 

[pipeman84]

Previous relationships basically she ended them. She had plenty of them, one was for 4 years one for 5 years all of them failed. Yes this is a red flag. But also her EX was controlling, needy and insecure as f3uck. So, it was an easy decision for her. is not like it was all her fault and i'm not justyfing her relationships.

But most relationships she had it ended because she was falling out of love-getting bored i suppose and as mentioned the last relationship was with a controlling and needy ex.

You sound like all talk, no action to me man. You wrote the above almost 5 months ago and based on the info in that post alone you should've ended it, right there and then. Full stop, no excuses. Yet here you are opening another thread about her and this has gone even longer than the last one.

 

[Guitar_Whizz]

I haven't read any posts other than the OP, but I'm sure somebody else has already said what I'm about to say.

It's not that sex doesn't interest her much, it's that sex with YOU does not interest her that much. Consider whether you've changed over the course of those 17 months; have you gained weight, have your finances suffered, since you live together are you getting a little too comfortable doing things in front of her that might bother her, etc.

If you truly believe the answer is no to all of the above, I would guess that she is either cheating or fantasizing about cheating. You can think what you want, but where there's a will there's a way.

Quick story to illustrate the hoops a woman will jump through if she really wants to hide something:

My ex, the BPD one, during our first and only Christmas together, decided that she wanted to buy me a bunch of nice clothes, but she didn't know my size and didn't want to give me any hints as to what the gifts would be. Here's what she did...she downloaded an app that somehow calculates your clothing size by scanning you with the phone's camera - which she did while I was asleep, careful not to wake me because I'm an incredibly light sleeper. She then temporarily blocked me from viewing any of her Instagram or Snapchat stories. This is because she put out a public post looking for one of her followers nearby that matches my measurements who would be available to go with her to the mall and try on a bunch of clothes she intended to buy me to see how they would fit.

I had no idea. You might not either. All I'm saying is I would never be so confident to think there's zero chance.

Wow, that's F'd up what she did. How did you find out about it?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Wow, that's F'd up what she did. How did you find out about it?

the clothes she bought him fitted like a glove?

 

[Gamisch]

I have posted previously in other threads that this specific woman is pretty much a woman with no interests, hobbies or activities.

Many discussions have taken place with her with suggestions on how to fill up her time with interests, for her to do something during the day after work and not to sit / netflix / chill all day so she is not bored, this is also part of the problem. I'm not her daddy to try and solve all her psychological problems, sexual problems, i tried as a partner to help her and ignite interest in her daily life and routines.

Many women this days are scrolling on their phones all day, netflix and chill and are gossipping with their girlfriends about what celebrities have done in the past 24 hours which is probably the most boring and stupid thing to waste your daily time on. Part of that is what she is doing, not to a high level of extend as she used too.

But here is the thing, my mission at the moment is to win financially, spiritually, and health wise and to help my family. I have no time to be on the couch all day, netflix and do boring-life-stupid-routines. I'm on a mission to create an interesting life and i want a partner that will do that with me, not a partner who is focused on what season game of thrones has ended on. This was discussed and as she pointed out she understands that she needs to work on that.

Every week there is plan to go somewhere, i plan and lead to do things. I can't do this every single day of the week so she is not bored because she has nothing to do after work, this is what @Gamisch also pointed out her efforts are pretty much like a tea-spoon. She has to figure out things and work to create an interesting life also on HER PART.

I want an interesting life, in the beggining when we met, there was more spark yes, but part of her lifestyle was different because she was coming from another city to stay with me, before she moved in with me. So probably she was not that bored as she is now because she was with her friends in her city and now she is not, but we are going to her city every two weeks, so she can see her family and friends so yes i'm INVESTING in that.

We are in the same house, she is working from home. I get that life can get predictable, and boring but my current lifestyle does not have an active social lifestyle as before, and from experience i know that human beings need to interact and socialize or they will die from boredom.

I get that she is not socializing, she is home all day, but hey you are livin with me, you should be happy to an extend because this was a mutual decision. If this has killed the desire, well then i get that and there is nothing i can do or change. She either will change her boring, predictable behaviours and also provide as a partner some efforts in to this relationship or i'm out and this is done.

To finalize, this is not part of "my problem" and i will transfer this to the next relationship. Is a large part also of her problem, communicaton is there, we are communicating there is some arguments here and there as with all relationships but nothing major.

I have nothing to transfer to a next relationship, My EX was all over me without me having to discuss anything, she was very sexual and she loved sex. So there is a difference of a woman who knows what she wants and a woman who does not understand basic principles on how to keep a man.

Now, i'm done.

Interested to get your point of view as a woman.

Yeah, wish you all the best bro...complicated situation to say the least.

Let us know how it goes

 

[BPH]

Wow, that's F'd up what she did. How did you find out about it?

the clothes she bought him fitted like a glove?

She told me while I was opening them up and trying them on.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I have posted previously in other threads that this specific woman is pretty much a woman with no interests, hobbies or activities.

Many discussions have taken place with her with suggestions on how to fill up her time with interests, for her to do something during the day after work and not to sit / netflix / chill all day so she is not bored, this is also part of the problem. I'm not her daddy to try and solve all her psychological problems, sexual problems, i tried as a partner to help her and ignite interest in her daily life and routines.

Many women this days are scrolling on their phones all day, netflix and chill and are gossipping with their girlfriends about what celebrities have done in the past 24 hours which is probably the most boring and stupid thing to waste your daily time on. Part of that is what she is doing, not to a high level of extend as she used too.

But here is the thing, my mission at the moment is to win financially, spiritually, and health wise and to help my family. I have no time to be on the couch all day, netflix and do boring-life-stupid-routines. I'm on a mission to create an interesting life and i want a partner that will do that with me, not a partner who is focused on what season game of thrones has ended on. This was discussed and as she pointed out she understands that she needs to work on that.

Every week there is plan to go somewhere, i plan and lead to do things. I can't do this every single day of the week so she is not bored because she has nothing to do after work, this is what @Gamisch also pointed out her efforts are pretty much like a tea-spoon. She has to figure out things and work to create an interesting life also on HER PART.

I want an interesting life, in the beggining when we met, there was more spark yes, but part of her lifestyle was different because she was coming from another city to stay with me, before she moved in with me. So probably she was not that bored as she is now because she was with her friends in her city and now she is not, but we are going to her city every two weeks, so she can see her family and friends so yes i'm INVESTING in that.

We are in the same house, she is working from home. I get that life can get predictable, and boring but my current lifestyle does not have an active social lifestyle as before, and from experience i know that human beings need to interact and socialize or they will die from boredom.

I get that she is not socializing, she is home all day, but hey you are livin with me, you should be happy to an extend because this was a mutual decision. If this has killed the desire, well then i get that and there is nothing i can do or change. She either will change her boring, predictable behaviours and also provide as a partner some efforts in to this relationship or i'm out and this is done.

To finalize, this is not part of "my problem" and i will transfer this to the next relationship. Is a large part also of her problem, communicaton is there, we are communicating there is some arguments here and there as with all relationships but nothing major.

I have nothing to transfer to a next relationship, My EX was all over me without me having to discuss anything, she was very sexual and she loved sex. So there is a difference of a woman who knows what she wants and a woman who does not understand basic principles on how to keep a man.

Now, i'm done.

Interested to get your point of view as a woman.

Why are you choosing to try and drag dead weight up a steep hill?

My God man, stop wasting your time. This woman is NOT it for you...you have differing lifestyles and that means you are incompatible long term.

This is NOT FIXABLE, no matter how hard you try. Eventually one of you is going to get really pissed off and flip out on the other person and say a bunch of things that are terrible and will end the relationship.

So instead of waiting for the inevitable, go find someone who will support you on your mission instead of being dead weight that you are forced to drag a long that is weighing you down like an anchor.

You are never going to get where you want to go with her in the picture. Just so you know.

 

[plumber]

OP, one of the common things we do is blame ourselves. Yaaa, we might voice out that it was her... or them or whatever. but deep inside we tend to blame yourself and believe that perhaps we are not good enough.

You know yourself and what you do and have done. If your being a decent man (I don't mean superman, just decent) then your doing your part. It is entirely possible that its just her..

Suggest you review your own actions, if your being more or less kind and supportive and doing the well known common right things, and she is treating you bad, then its her and not you.

bail out, life is only once.

She does not share your sense of justice or of good and bad or of right and wrong. She has her very own version of those things.

Unless she is old enough for menopause, shutting down sex means she does not respect you or she has a med issue.

Apparently your a decent guy with resources as she doesn't just leave or kick you out.

There are really women that only respect bad men... Lots of reasons for that, but it doesn't matter for you. You have to do you. This situation will never be what you wish for. She will likely just continue to coast at your expense until she gets a better offer. That could be years from now. In the meantime you will wither as you feel and live as a rejected man.

Maybe you hope someone will give advice that will fix this. There are ways to force respect from fear without breaking the law. There are ways to negotiate transaction details. I don't know of any way to force admiration and desire.

Another poster on SS years ago explained the light switch effect. Something happens and as a result she will flip the switch off, and the lights go out. It can be all sorts of things that cause this. Its a one way switch. Its similar to the idea that we can never "un see something". This can happen on several different times, like its a row of switches and they keep getting switched off. They will never go back on. Eventually they all are off. If you had a family already and try to take care of the kids, maybe it makes sense to keep doing your best. Otherwise, no. Your like a frog being cooked, doesn't jump from the kettle until dead.

Imagine if you and her switch places and you are acting like she does. What would cause you to do such a thing or to act that way... And not try to fix it.... Why would you not try to fix it if you are her...

It is possible that if we asked her about this, she tells a different story. Some of her story might sound like fiction to you.

 

[BeExcellent]

Listen @Learning Curve I agree 100% with @BackInTheGame78 on this.

Maybe she's depressed, misses her city/friends/life. Who knows. You are correct it is not your problem nor are you her entertainment director. But now that you know she's like that AND your sex life has dried up as well, why haven't you split already? She uprooted & moved. Ok. Why on Earth didn't y'all discuss goals and the future plan BEFORE you moved her in?

It's also never only 1 person at fault in any relationship problems. Sometimes one person is much more to blame than another, its true, but you need to cut her loose if she's THAT much of a bump on a log.

My husband moved in the week after he proposed. We both work at home. We travel together, have TV shows we enjoy together, I go to his sporting events, we spend a LOT of time together but we get out and go do stuff.

My daughter-in-law does not work, is 21 years old, pregnant, and moved across the country when my son got deployed as a military officer. She bakes, home makes, organizes and goes all over the place with him. He surfs, she reads on the beach. She has made friends with other military wives, one of whom is also young & expecting. They are lovers and best friends. My husband and I are lovers & friends too.

But y'all are much more disconnected interpersonally. She is not establishing new friendships in your city or trying to do stuff assuming your story is 100% true. And if it is? You'd drop her. So there's more to it than this.

I know what a healthy relationship is. I taught my son to have a healthy relationship too. You don't have one. So either you are not telling the whole story or you are tolerating an interaction that you should have ended a while ago.

Not buying your story. It doesn't add up.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

Now, i'm done.

Well, you bring in your ex a lot to this discussion but she is still your ex and your current gf is your current gf.

@ sex being less often in cohabitating relationship - that's how things are, sex is also about mystery and tension to see the other person, it is evolutionary thing connected with our mating patterns in order to have children - this mystery about the second person and the initial "kick" of interest is mostly gone after you start living together - it is like that with every women, there is no unicorn.

Now, most of the females interest lie in areas that are not interesting to us - make ups, gossip concerning celebrities, gossip with their friend circle, dancing (uhh boring AF) watching TV/soap operas, borderline dumb TV programmes (Oprah-Karens), parties/social events, doing online shopping for another pair of shoes or dress (ugh) - this is all tied to monkey branching. If your current partner is not interested in any of these, then she is at least partially, pleasantly boring and being pleasantly boring is perfectly normal.

You are most probably a leader in your relationship - the female you have met is most probably a more introvertic type, tied to house she lives in, stable, unimaginative, waiting to be led by you - therefore she is usual wife material for most men and she can be led successfully for family purposes as you will want to define them and she may be more imaginative both in bed and in current life if you will declare it openly to her and make it a requirement for her.

If you do not want to start family with her (and from what I read, you don't) then leave her and find a woman more in line with your requirements (more active, more sexually aroused by definition, with more interests in other areas of life) just keep in mind that such a woman will be also much more demanding & eventually time/resources consuming, which is usually not a good thing.

 

[Learning Curve]

My husband moved in the week after he proposed. We both work at home. We travel together, have TV shows we enjoy together, I go to his sporting events, we spend a LOT of time together but we get out and go do stuff.

We also did travel together, we also watch some TV Shows together, we also lay on the couch in the night and relax, we also get out and do stuff.

But y'all are much more disconnected interpersonally. She is not establishing new friendships in your city or trying to do stuff assuming your story is 100% true. And if it is? You'd drop her. So there's more to it than this.

She works from home, and she is not the type of establishing new friendships, she is quite introverted. She preffers to have less friends and only some that she gets along with. She is not the type that will chase new friendships to be honest.

You assume my story is not 100% true because in your woman mind you believe that i'm trying to blame my GF for everything yet this is not what i'm doing. I'm sharing the story as it is.

I know what a healthy relationship is. I taught my son to have a healthy relationship too. You don't have one. So either you are not telling the whole story or you are tolerating an interaction that you should have ended a while ago.

Not buying your story. It doesn't add up.

Probably i'm tolerating more than i should. This is true.

But, what i'm sharing is what it is.

I agree on what you are saying to an extend, but you have to also agree that some women don't understand how to keep a man and they don't care. And this is my case.

Some women are boring, dead sexually, and a starfish. It is what it is. This is the reality.

The point of this thread is not to blame my GF for everything, is not to say that i don't love her or that i don't like her, but that she is not prioritizing things that are important to me and in my mind it should have been also important to her.

She never opens any discussions on SEX, ok she is shy? ok i get that. Let me do that 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 times yet nothing changes or nothing gets her going. This is weird. I never met a woman who did not like sex, and i had some very passionate experiences in my life.

This general situation is weird, and i'm trying to understand who is to blame.

As a woman, you are dead sexually? ok let's work on that. Let me try to spice things up, let me put some effort yet you don't put any. Let me please you princess 100 times, yet you never please me. Let me invest time in what has to be one the most important aspects of a relationship besides communication which is SEX. Yet you invest none.

Again, i know, just "leave"

Yes i can do that quite easily, dumb her and move on. And at the of the day if nothing changes after a discussion i will, i have done that before, i don't care being alone if people think i do. Things will eventually be back to normal and i can move on.

To finalize, is me understanding who is to blame, and if i move on to learn from this experience so i have a better filtering sensors.

 

[The Duke]

The times when I truly figured out why my failed relationships failed always came many months down the road after the dust settled and my head became clear once again. Sometimes we need to heal before we can see. The passage of time is a beautiful thing.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Its her choice. I'd guess her lack of sexual desire has more to do with how she feels about you and the relationship than it does about sex. All you can do is your best, and help facilitate change. She has to do her part and if she isn't willing, then its time to end this.