Can I save my LTR

[dannyegg4575]

You seem like a good lad, so here is my word of advice. Everyday, everyone comes into this site with the same situation. Someone got dump. It's nothing to be ashame of, look around you. 67% of the people are breaking up.

Here's my advice. Get rid of everything that reminds you of her. Continue with your own ambitions in life and start striving towards it. Your life is more important right now. Think of it as a holiday that you desperately needed and who knows? maybe one day she will see the light and come back after realizing that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. But don't worry about that some day right now. Just focus on the present moment.

If she looks for you, no biggie... but nice about it and say how are you doing? Just stay in the present moment. Just remain you and remain cool.

You're going to continue messaging her and stuff and that's going to impede on your recovery. My biggest mistake is in not cutting all ties back then when i shouldn't known better to. Listen to the advice here my boy... you won't regret it. It's your last chance.

 

[Lishy]

How are you today?

 

[DannykDJ]

Sorry It's been so long since I posted.

After a week I still feel horrible. I actually had to walk out of class one day so no one would see me crying. I have been living in the gym basically and spending the rest of my time sleeping because doing those things is the only time i'm not hurting.

I'm not gonna lie I did call her back because I was in so much pain I threw up and I freaked out that I had cut all contact with her. I can't tell if doing that was a huge set back or if it helped because she is calling me everyday now and she seems happy to talk to me, but I just don't know.

She said she misses me and wants things to go back to normal and everytime I flip flop on cutting contact with her makes her question it more. She says she can't tell a difference between us and i'm making to big a deal out of this, but thats only because this "less serious" relationship is not affecting her.

Right now though I feel fine and I'm not emotional anymore just depressed. I talked to a good friend of mine who is in his 40's and he told me about his horrible break ups when he was younger and how he can look back at them all and laugh. He told me that had he not made all of those mistakes he wouldn't be the man he is today and he wouldn't be celebrating his 10 year anniversary with his wife. Hearing that seemed to snap me out of my drama.

Now I'm just trying to stay busy and take it one day at a time since the ball is in her court.

 

[dannyegg4575]

hey Danny,

sorry to hear about the pain. Your friend is right about the breakup. It does make you stronger and that in the end it will help you grow. What you choose to do with the mistakes is to learn from them and see if you can pick yourself back up again. If she is still contacting you, it's a good sign. But don't put too much hope into it. Just be light in the conversation like nothing happened.

But at this time, you need to find your strength to be grow and be a man. The ball is not in her court as a lot of people might tell you. The ball is actually in your court. Do what you want to do with it.

 

[Nighthawk]

Have you discussed whether you are both supposed to monogamous anymore? It seems like she is ready to branch swing, and is keeping you hanging on for safety.

You may not feel like it, but force yourself to look at other women, flirt, get numbers, imagine yourself happy outside of your current relationship. Your 'girlfriend' (if you're not ****ing she's not your girlfriend) will sense it and want you more - if that's what you want.

 

[DannykDJ]

Have you discussed whether you are both supposed to monogamous anymore? It seems like she is ready to branch swing, and is keeping you hanging on for safety.

You may not feel like it, but force yourself to look at other women, flirt, get numbers, imagine yourself happy outside of your current relationship. Your 'girlfriend' (if you're not ****ing she's not your girlfriend) will sense it and want you more - if that's what you want.

This is the sole reason I am having so much trouble. She isn't giving me a definite answer when I ask if we are exclusive or open. I can handle either one but not this "we'll see bs" she just says " we are just less serious so lets just take it one day at a time" then acts as though things are normal between us. It almost seems like she is just torturing me by not telling me what we are. She says that our relationship doesn't need labels for us to be together and she can't tell a difference between us, but as I said in my previous post she doesn't notice because it's not affecting her

Thank you for the replys. Talking to people whether it be online or in RL helps alot.

Sorry if it seems like i'm venting or dwelling on this. Talking to other people helps me organize my thoughts and come back to reality.

 

[Nighthawk]

Doesn't seem like you're venting or dwelling.

But it does seem like she has a man or potential man you don't know about, but is using the ambiguity about your relationship to keep her conscience clear. Meanwhile if you were to see someone else she would probably call you a cheater, relationship over, all your fault, etc.

I think you recognise you are in this trap right now, but don't want to see it clearly, out of hope and loyalty. Many people here will say if she's not ****ing you she's ****ing someone. Maybe. But just as importantly, if this relationship isn't on your terms and is not making you happy, walk away. Listen to your friend, break-ups are rarely fun, but there are plenty more women waiting for you, and you don't need to be toyed with or made to feel unwanted.

 

[KontrollerX]

You've exhibited a lot of strength during this difficult situation brother and for that we're proud of you.

Continue that strength and do not let her set the frame for your life or relationships.

You are not buying what she's selling but like a pesky telemarketer she keeps trying to sell you anyway with her persistance.

Don't give in ever.

A bad deal doesn't suddenly become a good deal even when its put forth by a pretty and familiar face.

So reject the transaction until a better offer is put on the table or go shop from a different seller if you know what I mean.

Because to be honest you shopping from a different seller seems the smartest move at this point because I think your current ex wants to lure you back with either a bad or good deal so she can set you up for the fall and be the one to dump you thus giving her an ego boost and power over the relationship you two had.

 

[DannykDJ]

Thank you both for your help.

I am very aware of what is happening here. The only reason i am trying so hard is because I want to exhaust all my options before I completely cut her off. I have no problem doing that and have done it to many before but I don't want to in this situation. I truly do care for this woman because she is the first one I've found in about 4 years to have vastly more good qualities than negative ones. I know time is against us because of our ages (both 21) but I want to keep enjoying this relationship for just a little while longer before I have to give it up.

right now i'm just gonna try to go with the flow of things. I only pick up about 1 in every 3 of her calls now and I don't call her unless it's returning a call. I am living in the gym right now trying to take my mind off her. If she hasn't shown me that she loves me as much as she says she does by the end of the month then i'm gonna just disappear without a word. I refuse to give 110% for someone who doesn't care about me

I made alot of mistakes while we were together and royally messed up when I insulted her, but I was a damn good boyfriend. I acknowledge my mistakes and actually make an effort to never repeat them. I may not be perfect but i'm a hell of alot better than all of other men she meets everyday.

 

[DannykDJ]

Sitting around on a Saturday night pretending to not care if she calls. This is the last time in my entire life that I will base my life around one person.

If you guys don't mind i'm gonna keep posting my thoughts in this thread because seeing it on paper helps me take a step back and organize.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Sitting around on a Saturday night pretending to not care if she calls. This is the last time in my entire life that I will base my life around one person.

If you guys don't mind i'm gonna keep posting my thoughts in this thread because seeing it on paper helps me take a step back and organize.

You've essentially given all of the power in the R over to her, Danny. This is why YOU are feeling like sh1t and she is doing alright.

She is testing you. Either she has someone else in mind and wants to hold on to you "just in case" OR she is very angry/upset with what you said to her (the insult) and is trying to get back at you.

Either way, you cannot allow this to continue. It's great that you've reduced contact with her. I think you should take it one step further. You obviously want a R with this girl, and she wants a FWB sort of situation (a R "without labels"). You don't do this to someone after you are both agree to be exclusive UNLESS something has gone wrong.

Her interest in you is waning quickly. You've shown her the effect she has on you, and she knows she can continue to push as many of your buttons as she wishes.

You have to let go of her FOR NOW. This is for your sanity and your self-esteem. Now would be the ideal time to let go. Why? Well you two are still in contact, she has expressed SOME interest in pursuing SOMETHING with you (she calls, she wants to talk to you). So cut it off now. If that is too hard for you, slowly wean yourself from her.

Make sure she KNOWS (through your actions) that her POWER over your is slowly slipping THIS will drive her nuts. She will be flustered and confused, "what is going on...he wasn't like this before...how come he doesn't want me anymore."

You are a man. Do not shed tears over someone who does not value you. Love yourself first and worry about her and the R later.

 

[Lishy]

Ok Danny, enough is enough babe you now need to stand up and be counted!

TELL her what is happening, dont sit around waiting for her to tell you! Next time she rings tell her you are going out on a date! You need to get her respect back and you need to gain the control.

Danny she may be lovely and nice BUT she is treating you like a fool and you are allowing her to!

Cry your tears in private, write on here until you go dizzy but stop allowing her to treat you this way babe!

 

[shinko]

Dude ive had some horrific break ups and the advice your getting here is gold. Ask her outright next time what's the 411 next time you speak, if she doesnt give you an answer that is anything less than 100% clear, then take a deep breath and cut her off.

Your stronger than you realise and mate as they say on this board, dont keep someone who doesn't want to keep you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really deserve this ish she's putting you through. According to an earlier post you said you've been a damn good boyfriend to her and she's going through badness atm. But that dont justify her treating you like an emotional punchbag. Your outburst shouldn't guilt you out, if she was taking the piss what did she expect to happen. Just put it down to a learning experience for next time.

Hold your head up high, take the moral high road and walk away from her games. she cant play them if she's got no one to play with.

You honestly will one day look back on all of this and be thankful. Because if it doesnt kill you, it only makes you stronger and thats the truth. Your'll be alright mate, just one day at a time.

 

[DannykDJ]

Thank you all for replying.

I'm sorry Lishy if it seems like I'm being a whiny weakling about this. I was just hoping that for once I could save a relationship instead of the usual next. After nexting so many girls it was nice to find one that I actually saw myself with in the future.

I will just turn off my cell for a few weeks so I don't know if she calls or not. If I need anymore help I will make a new thread otherwise I'm gonna let this one die before everyone starts getting pissed at me

looking back 3 weeks it was kinda funny to think I was crying on the floor over her. First gf I have ever done that for in my entire life. Unexpected and Weird life experiences happen all the time

Thank you everyone for all your help

 

[Lishy]

Danny I have never said you was a whiney weakling and I never would! We have ALL been there at one or more times in our lives.

This is real pain babe and YOU are the one feeling it. You are allowed to feel upset and you are allowed to cry babe, just not in front of her!

If you want any chance of saving this relationship then you need to change how you are with her. SHE is the one seeing you as weak and needy and that is a turn off for girls hon

We are here to help, not put you down and if I gave you the ipression I found you anything but sweet and kind then I am sorry!

 

[cordoncordon]

Thank you all for replying.

I'm sorry Lishy if it seems like I'm being a whiny weakling about this. I was just hoping that for once I could save a relationship instead of the usual next. After nexting so many girls it was nice to find one that I actually saw myself with in the future.

I will just turn off my cell for a few weeks so I don't know if she calls or not. If I need anymore help I will make a new thread otherwise I'm gonna let this one die before everyone starts getting pissed at me

looking back 3 weeks it was kinda funny to think I was crying on the floor over her. First gf I have ever done that for in my entire life. Unexpected and Weird life experiences happen all the time

Thank you everyone for all your help

Danny a few things...

One, don't turn off your phone. When she calls, and she will, she will know that she got to you and the only reason you have turned off the phone is because of how upset you are over her. Act as if you don't care dude, act as if.

Keep posting on this thread, it will help you to clear your head and when you look back at this thread a year from now you will see how much you have grown all before your very eyes!

Finally, don't ignore her. But don't go out of your way to talk to her either. Take maybe one of every three calls from her. Don't be a d1ck to her, but don't be all sweet and loving either. When you talk to her keep it brief, fun, happy, as if you don't have a care in the world. DO NOT EVER bring up your relationship. EVER. If she brings it up just say, "thats all in the past why talk about things that are over?" And switch the subject to something lighthearted and fun, like all the great times you had last night with a "friend" that you went you with. When she asks who it is, just say a "friend" and leave it at that. Then say you have to run to work out or go over to a buddy's house and you'll chat later. And say it with a smile on your face! Even if you are on the phone.

One of two things will happen if you follow this plan of attack. Either she will come crawling back and you can decide if YOU want to take her back instead of her thinking that she can have you like a lost little puppy dog any time she wants to. Orrrrrrr, you will get over her that much faster and she will be nothing but a fond memory.

Best of luck and keep posting!

 

[DannykDJ]

Danny a few things...

One, don't turn off your phone. When she calls, and she will, she will know that she got to you and the only reason you have turned off the phone is because of how upset you are over her. Act as if you don't care dude, act as if.

Keep posting on this thread, it will help you to clear your head and when you look back at this thread a year from now you will see how much you have grown all before your very eyes!

Finally, don't ignore her. But don't go out of your way to talk to her either. Take maybe one of every three calls from her. Don't be a d1ck to her, but don't be all sweet and loving either. When you talk to her keep it brief, fun, happy, as if you don't have a care in the world. DO NOT EVER bring up your relationship. EVER. If she brings it up just say, "thats all in the past why talk about things that are over?" And switch the subject to something lighthearted and fun, like all the great times you had last night with a "friend" that you went you with. When she asks who it is, just say a "friend" and leave it at that. Then say you have to run to work out or go over to a buddy's house and you'll chat later. And say it with a smile on your face! Even if you are on the phone.

One of two things will happen if you follow this plan of attack. Either she will come crawling back and you can decide if YOU want to take her back instead of her thinking that she can have you like a lost little puppy dog any time she wants to. Orrrrrrr, you will get over her that much faster and she will be nothing but a fond memory.

Best of luck and keep posting!

Thank you for your advice. I only pick up about 1 in 3 of her calls already. We actually made plans to go out Monday because that would have been our 1 year anniversary as an official couple, but I am starting to question if thats a good idea or not. If I do decide to go with her tomorrow I am definitely going to tell her that she can have as much space and freedom as she wants but to be in my life she has to be exclusive to me.

It really makes me question the whole idea of love when one person says how much they love you and shows so much commitment then just changes her mind after one minor fight. I know I love her but it gets under my skin how she can't feel the same as me right now.

Reading about how cold and cruel people can be on this site and experiencing it in real life are completely different things.

 

[Warrior74]

One year anniversary dinner for a dying relationship? I would pass. Why subject yourself to more torture or a possible public break up?

Btw the conversation plan on having is not going to make dinner any fun I promise. It's going to be tense and akward and serious and no fun. You guys have totally gotten away from the fun. It's all serious relationship talk. I'm a bimbo like that....when it gets all super serious I usually just don't want to be bothered after a while. One or two serious convos and then it needs to be back to the fun or forget it. I can go have fun by myself or with someone else.

If you do go to dinner. Don't bring up the relationship crap. Either have fun or don't go. Also just be prepared for the worse and hope for the best.

 

[cordoncordon]

Thank you for your advice. I only pick up about 1 in 3 of her calls already. We actually made plans to go out Monday because that would have been our 1 year anniversary as an official couple, but I am starting to question if thats a good idea or not. If I do decide to go with her tomorrow I am definitely going to tell her that she can have as much space and freedom as she wants but to be in my life she has to be exclusive to me.

It really makes me question the whole idea of love when one person says how much they love you and shows so much commitment then just changes her mind after one minor fight. I know I love her but it gets under my skin how she can't feel the same as me right now.

Reading about how cold and cruel people can be on this site and experiencing it in real life are completely different things.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong...and WRONG!

DO NOT, DO NOT FVCKING go on a "anniversary dinner". You two are broken up, there is nothing to celebrate. My God man grow some ballzzz!

I mean think of it like this. What if you were the one to tell her you needed time, space, and room to "think". And that she was groveling at your feet and you knew how upset she was. And then she wanted to go on an anniversary dinner with you. What would you, as a logical man, think? You would think you have her as your slave! That you can do whatever you want and that she will come running.

Tell her you are not going on the dinner because after thinking about things, you realized that there really isn't anything to celebrate concerning you two, so for now you will pass.

And quit giving her ultimatums about the relationship. I just got done telling you to NEVER BRING UP the relationship again. Quit talking about so many serious issues. Have fun! Remember, you don't care anymore. You are moving on to bigger and better things in your life. If she wants to talk about it fine, but don't indulge her other than to say "why talk about things that are over"???? And move on.

I know that all of this seems 100% against what you think you should do right now, but trust me, if you ever want her back or if you just want to move on with your life, this is exactly what you must do.

It's up to you.

 

[KontrollerX]

Cordon and Warrior have it right.

Don't go on this anniversary dinner date not even to tell her what you just said in this thread.

Instead tell her on the phone or if she shows up randomly to confront you that there will be no anniversary dinners until she gives you what you want from her.

Really though you already know where most of us stand on the issue with her ie she's a next most definitely but the ball is always in the poster who is asking for advice's court.

Its all one big manipulative power play bro but if you follow cordon and Warrior's advice you can give her another go if you want sometime down the line but allowing her power over you and to suck you back in immediately is just setting yourself up for the fall because chicks love to be the one to do the dumping when it comes to relationship endings.