Can I save my LTR

[DannykDJ]

This is my first post buy I have been lurking here for about a year now. I appreciate any insight anyone can offer me on my situation because I have now clue how to handle this one.

My gf and I were dating for 11 months, and our 1 year anniversary is on the 14 of april. It started 2 weeks ago when my girlfriend was under alot of stress because her and her mom are on the verge of losing their home and may move to an apartment because her dad lost his job. she called me on a tuesday asking if she could come by on wednesday and do her homework on my computer since hers was broken. She said she would come by at 7:30. Well wednesday I worked 8 hours and got home at 6 with a horrible headache, but I waited for her and she never showed up so I went to sleep cause I felt so bad. The next day I checked my phone and she had called at a little after 9 leaving a voicemail saying the church class she and her mom teach ran over by an hour. When I called her she chewed me out about not picking up my phone. She was acting really mean so I told her she broke our plans and should have called and it wasn't my problem. She went off on me so I hung up and didn't talk to her again till late saturday night.

On sunday she called and pretended nothing had happened and didn't even apologize for it so I just let it go cause I don't need any more drama in my life. Well we see each other sunday and she won't kiss me or let me touch her so I leave. On the phone later I lose my cool a little bit because at this point her behavior has annoying me. I made a huge mistake and I crossed the line by insulting her. I won't say what I said but it was horribly cruel and crossed the line. She hung up on me and I tried to call her back and apologize but she turned her phone off.

That was 2 weeks ago. Now 1 after that she says she loves me very much but wants us to be less serious because she feels trapped. We used to talk everyday now she only calls one or two days a week and we don't talk at all if i don't initiate contact. I need to add in that I got very afc and clingy during this time because I panicked at the thought of losing her. I called way to much and texted her way to much. it was pathetic but at the time I was in alot of pain from the thought of losing my perfect relationship because I was an ass and I will admit I cried big time in front of her. we still hung out on the weekends like we normally do but she is very distant and barely wants to touch me

Fast forward to tonight. This is what drove me to make an account here. She calls me and asks me to go out to eat with her. I agree and we meet up, watch a movie at her house, then make out before I leave. She asks me if we want to do anything for our anniversary. I asked her "we can if you are still my gf" to which she replys "I am not going back on what I said about being less serious so don't demand it"

I can't figure out how to save this. I am almost down to my last option of cutting all contact with her, which I really don't want to do. Her attraction to me is dropping by the day. I messed up and got very clingy because I do love her and I am afraid there is no way to recover from that. We used to talk everyday and now we almost never do unless I initiate it. She won't kiss me for more than a few seconds won't let me touch her sexually now, and we never hang out one on one now her friend is always with us.

I know thats long and complicated but I really need help and I don't want to next her but I am ready to accept it and do it if its my only choice.

Thank you

 

[Lishy]

I would say she is holding on because she cant quite let go of you.

She probably feels the choice is in her hands alone, but it isn't!

I would tell her calmly that it does not suit you to just be casual after spending a year together, you cant turn a relationship around hon.

You have come across to her as being mean (your nasty comments) and clingy and insecure and she has lost her attraction to you because of this

You need to up the ante if you want any chance of saving this relationship - You need to end it and tell her why, then have no conatact at all,let her miss you and think about what she wants, but dont give her too many options babe, keep this on your terms as you are the one who is not getting his needs met.

She is obviously stressed and anxious with the things going on in her life and you are just adding to them at the moment and she has lost sight of the relationship.

If you do not make a stand then she will, and you will not stand a chance

Good luck

 

[KontrollerX]

The moment she mentioned feeling trapped and wanting to be less serious is the moment she went for your jugular as far as power is concerned in this relationship.

She did this as a test to be a form of a light pre-emptive breakup.

Now she gets to sit back and watch you and see if you will AFC it up and be clingy, pouty and all that other b.s which serves the purpose of showing her how much she means to you as well as getting revenge by watching you in doing this act like a fool.

You have to take the power back from her and get control of this situation and it does create the risk that the relationship will come to an end but with the way its going with her in control currently it will end anyway by her hand or your taking a stand for yourself and reclaiming your power.

How you reclaim your power is to say look I've been thinking about this for a bit and I'm just not having it, either you are my girlfriend like it was before or we are done.

I'm not playing this game with you.

Then she'll probably say good and then it will appear that things have ended between you two, then you still in your AFC mindset will go crazy emotional over everything wondering what you've just gotten yourself into yadda yadda yadda should you call her, should you apologize, etc.

And the answer is no.

If your relationship is destined to recover you have to make this move to take back your power.

If she is going to be your girl and has high interest in you she will either respond to your power play in a favorable way to you or she will act like she is going along with it and agrees with it ie by saying its over between you two to mess with your emotions but the point is you have to act absolutely serious about this and regardless of the answer she gives you immediately to your power play if she wants you she will come crawling back.

The trick for you is to wait a bit for it and I'm not talking a week or two but a month and if she doesn't come back by then fvck her it was not meant to be.

And by all means if you meet someone more interesting than her during that month then forget all about her and get with the new girl.

A DJ does not go down with a sinking ship if he finds a life raft nearby.

Oh and before I close out this thread here is joekerr's excellent topic on breaks which you also need to read...

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471&highlight=breaks

 

[NoMoreTapDancing]

The reason she is holding on to you is because women wait until they have their next man lined up, then they will do the breaking up. A woman will rarely go from a relationship to being completely single. There will always be some kind of man somewhere, somehow on their dating scene. I suggest you adopt this attitude aswell. Don't dump your girl until you have you next one(s) lined up. This makes for a much easier transition. So if you break up, no big deal. If she breaks up, no big deal.

The key is to simplify your life and make it so your situation is always win win.

 

[DannykDJ]

Thank you all for your replys. I am taking everyones advice to heart.

I need to mention that I already apologized to her. I have to admit that I did get very afc and clingy because this "break" is very much my fault.

After reading these responses it seems like i'm gonna have to cut all contact with her soon. I really don't want to do that though because I know it's gonna take a long time to recover from this.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply. It makes me feel better talking about this.

If anyone has any more advice or tips that don't involve nexting I would love to hear it. I'm not waiting to hear what I want I just want to know all of my options

 

[Lishy]

The only advice I can give you is to stop calling her, that is not neccessarily 'nexting' her but it will still make her wonder why you havnt called and maybe she will miss you?

 

[DannykDJ]

The only advice I can give you is to stop calling her, that is not neccessarily 'nexting' her but it will still make her wonder why you havnt called and maybe she will miss you?

I have already stopped calling her thats why we have been talking so little. It almost comes off as what she wants but i'm confused because when she does call she makes a huge effort to see me. she even offered to buy my dinner tonight when we saw each other but I turned her offer down because of her situation.

 

[Lishy]

HOney it is a messed up situation

You should maybe stop taking her calls?

I cant see how you will get this sorted as it is not down to you, she needs to change things and it doesnt seem like she wants to

I think she just uses you as her security blanket if and when she needs you

Dont let her babe, you are worth more surely?

 

[DannykDJ]

HOney it is a messed up situation

You should maybe stop taking her calls?

I cant see how you will get this sorted as it is not down to you, she needs to change things and it doesnt seem like she wants to

I think she just uses you as her security blanket if and when she needs you

Dont let her babe, you are worth more surely?

Thank you so much for the help. You are absolutely right because I was thinking about this exact thing earlier today. I actually decided to not take anymore of her calls but when she asked me out and offered to pay I took it as a sign of her "fixing things".

I treated her with an insane amount of trust, respect, and love just as she did me. I considered this my first "mature" relationship so far in my life. The reason it stresses me so much is because this is essentially my fault for this falling out

 

[KontrollerX]

Just want to clarify that my advice up there wasn't having you nexting per se.

All I'm saying with it is that this may be what comes of you making a stand to get your power back.

Anyway bro you've got a good head on your shoulders so you should recover even if worse comes to worse.

 

[DannykDJ]

Just want to clarify that my advice up there wasn't having you nexting per se.

All I'm saying with it is that this is may what come of you making a stand to get your power back.

Anyway bro you've got a good head on your shoulders so you should recover even if worse comes to worse.

I just called her and told her that I can't be with her until she's ready to go back to the way things were. I told her that I can't go from a 1 year exclusive relationship to casually dating. I told her to call me the day she wants to continue our relationship. I told her I love her and that I wish her the best in life and then said bye and hung up

I'm crying as I type this because it hurts so much.

 

[KontrollerX]

Come what may you made the only right decision you can for yourself.

For your integrity as a man with what you want for yourself.

And honestly it is not a casual relationship but a full relationship with a girl that loves you as you love her.

 

[Lishy]

Oh darling I am sorry you are hurting!

What you just did was very brave seeing as you did not want to do it.

Now the ball is in her court and she will now know she cant have her cake and eat it. the next problme you will have is that she will probably step up her contact to see if you mean it. This is the time you have to remain strong and think about yourself.

Relationships always have ups and downs and only the stong survive hon.

What was her reply when you said this to her?

 

[DannykDJ]

I'm crying and it feels like i'm gonna throw up and my head hurts and I'm trying not to hyperventilate. I had to stop myself from calling her right back after I hung up. My heart is racing and it feels like i made a mistake. I told her not to call until she is ready to pick up where we left off at.

It may not seem like it cause these are just words but i'm really messed up right now.

Thank you all for backing me up tonight as I did this

 

[KontrollerX]

No problem bro.

And my sympathies for your pain over this as well.

Good job not calling back and never doubt that.

Men do not grovel for what should rightfully be theirs.

And yeah dude work at getting yourself calmed down, take a walk around your house if its dark out or outside if its light out where you live and just focus on chilling out.

A cold shower or hot bath are also good alternatives to that or playing videogames or listening to music.

Basically just focus on calming yourself lol.

You've done the right thing even though it hurts you so badly now.

 

[Lishy]

I'm crying and it feels like i'm gonna throw up and my head hurts and I'm trying not to hyperventilate. I had to stop myself from calling her right back after I hung up. My heart is racing and it feels like i made a mistake. I told her not to call until she is ready to pick up where we left off at.

It may not seem like it cause these are just words but i'm really messed up right now.

Thank you all for backing me up tonight as I did this

Hey you! Take a deep breathe, think about things logically .... You are not in a different position now are you? She wanted a fk buddy, you wanted a relationship.

The only difference is that now she cant use you when its convieniant to her, you will go up in her estimation hon trust me on this

Women like men babe, not lap dogs willing to run when we whistle!

Whatever the outcome you did the RIGHT THING!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Groovy]

Yeah!

This is a quality topic. I'm glad this turned out well. Sosuave is really great in helping people. I'm glad you can find people so willing to help in the internet like Lishy and KontrollerX. I really like this site.

I don't have any experience at all in this so I won't give advice, but try be strong! I'm sure it will be great for you, if you keep following this advices. It may hurt NOW, but in a while, it will be awsome for you. Next time you won't screw up, and you will get someone better if you keep up this atitude- that's a fact!

Heck, she will even maybe want you back when you turn into your new, improved, chilled out DJ superstar!

Hehe. Peace

 

[SharinganUser]

This will only make you stronger as a person.

 

[MacAvoy]

I'm too lazy to read all the responses (Kontroller is probably right though) but what I would do is stop making contact with her. Let her contact you. You have to keep in mind that she's going through something very big in her life, they are about to get kicked out of their family home, that can't be easy to deal with. Imagine how her father feels, he probably feels like a sack of sh1t for not being able to provide for his family and that trickles down to everyone else in the home.

Give her, her space. However I'd consider starting to move on emotionally. Start detaching yourself. Start keeping your eyes open for new options.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Something is wrong here...

She wants to b!tch at you for something she really has no reason to. One night she won't let you touch or kiss her? (That's not good) Now, she wants space and to be less serious...

If you guys only see each other on the weekends there is no need for more space. I think she is on the verge of breaking up with you. Either talk to her and figure things out or get rid of her before she gets rid of you.

OR because, of her family problems. That is the reason why she is acting this way.