BPD ex.... 3 months out - need some advice

[Pirlo21]

5string I have a question for you and anyone else who knows a lot about BPD.

With my ex one of the things I've noticed is she can never seem to find happiness within herself. She always seems to have to get it from an external source.

It was me from when we met and dated for awhile. Then of course that changed and she felt she was no longer "happy" with me so she had to go and get it from somewhere else.

For the most part, everything we always did and went to was planned by me. And it is the exact same now with this new guy shes with.

She can never seem to make her own happiness within herself, always seems to need to get it from somewhere else and is always chasing the next best thing.

Everytime I've "walked away" from her, and chosen to not stay as friends she either gets really upset with me, or guilt trips me in some way to try and make me feel bad for her.

Are these BPD signs?

 

[PeakIV]

yes they are some signs.......

Did she call you 20 times a day or text you 30 times , did she rage for hours on end sometimes about something that happened 3 years ago .

did she physically hit you and verbally abuse you calling you all the names under the sun because she thought you had not spent the day at work but had met some girl in a hotel and spent all day having sex with no proof.

did she try and control when and where you saw your friends and family.

Did she have numerous jobs and always spent every penny she had buying stupid stuff just to make themselves happy. had numerous car crashes.

would she have circular arguments with you that never went anywhere.

accuse you of looking at other girls everyday when you went shopping even if you were looking at the floor.

at first love all your friends and family and then one by one hate them.

hated being alone ever, was always sick or had some illness the doctor couldn't find the reason for.

cried at the drop of a hat - slept a lot

ate loads then made herself sick

I could go on..........

 

[Knight's Cross]

Man, seems like a million years ago I dated one of these. SS saved my bacon. That and some really good friends that helped me see the light. The weird thing is once you see where that BPD goes, as in my ex got married, you really understand what they are about. My Ex-BPD married the biggest doofus looking porker. Granted he's a doctor, he's not exactly competition. I guess he's now her checking account, and I'm sure his life is a living hell. Glad I missed that bullet. Consider yourself fortunate.
KC

 

[Pirlo21]

yes they are some signs.......

Did she call you 20 times a day or text you 30 times , did she rage for hours on end sometimes about something that happened 3 years ago .

did she physically hit you and verbally abuse you calling you all the names under the sun because she thought you had not spent the day at work but had met some girl in a hotel and spent all day having sex with no proof.

did she try and control when and where you saw your friends and family.

Did she have numerous jobs and always spent every penny she had buying stupid stuff just to make themselves happy. had numerous car crashes.

would she have circular arguments with you that never went anywhere.

accuse you of looking at other girls everyday when you went shopping even if you were looking at the floor.

at first love all your friends and family and then one by one hate them.

hated being alone ever, was always sick or had some illness the doctor couldn't find the reason for.

cried at the drop of a hat - slept a lot

ate loads then made herself sick

I could go on..........

Most of these are a bit more extreme cases then she ever went too.

Cries at the drop of a hat 100% true.

I once had lunch with a female friend and she flipped out, slammed the door on me etc. That was the farthest anything like that happened.

She didn't like most of my single female friends.

She goes on and off with her own friends and family all the time.

Shes had tons of jobs, that usually go with the following pattern, loving them at first to overtime hating them and wanting something new.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Never dated a BPD but did date an AVPD. No hellfire at all, in fact the exact opposite, like an emotional void.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Avoidant Personality Disorder. Extreme feelings of inadequacy, emotional isolation, social anxiety, emptiness despite wanting to be with others.

In my case the girl had started making significant strides in her therapy -- certainly a good thing -- but soon after we started dating she met some guy who was into self-help neuropsychotherapy stuff and she became infatuated with what he was telling her, and then infatuated with him, so her interest in me dropped and she started dating him after we ended things. Still f'ing pissed.

 

[GotED?]

Fellow MANkind - my BPD German ex-wife found (caught rather) me on Facebook a few years ago out of the blue with a Friend Invite. I thought it was strange a total stranger and woman would try to befriend a man on Facebook. She had me hooked afterwards, and I went across the world for her with an 8 month LD relationship between California and Germany. I left my country and my 5yr old son behind (with my 1st ex-wife) to work/live/start a new life with her in Germany. Within 3 MONTHs of after getting married, she has ran away 3 times, hammered me on the face with a telephone hand set that drew blood, and lied to her mother about what I say. The cycle of manipulation, rage, violence, irrational argument that lasts forever (she said something then later she denies it totally), inability to deal with boredom, being alone, goes on and on. Lots of you all mentioned the cycle of breaking up, getting back - that is when a BPD does 'Hoovering' - sucks your soul right back because no other woman in the world can drop everything and gives you all the attention, (fictitious) love, sex, and physical affection like a BPD can. After the 3rd runaway (to a woman's shelter, can you believe it! they love to feel and play the victim role), I stopped chasing after her. After 2-3 months of ignoring her and moving on to England from Germany, she started saying how she really still loves me (hoovering) after having stated I was pretty much worthless and not a man after she ran away.

Here are my gifts to you all who want to look out for possible trends in spotting a BPD ahead of time before getting involved:

* MAKE SURE SHE HAS A FATHER FIGURE IN HER LIFE! ESPECIALLY CHILDHOOD. BIG RED FLAG IF RAISED BY A SINGLE MOTHER. BPD mothers usually breeds BPD daughters.

* MAKE SURE SHE HAS NOT BEEN NEGLECTED OR ABUSED, EVEN AT A BABY/TODDLER STAGE (self-soothing incapable which turns into unable to be alone when adult)

* MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT TELL YOU SHE LOVES YOU OR WANTS YOUR BABY IN THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF THE RELATIONSHIP. This is the BPD placing the strategic 'HOOK' into you.

* MAKE SURE SHE HAS A MATURE LEVEL OF SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-DISCIPLINE CONSISTENT WITH HER AGE. Rage is a milestone characteristic of a BPD who can lose it quite easily and go into rage (this is terrifying - not just anger!).

* MAKE SURE SHE IS NOT A TOTAL LONER WITHOUT FRIENDS. BPD DON'T HAVE CLOSE INTIMATE FRIENDS FOR A VERY GOOD REASON!! They hate everyone that gets close to them eventually!!

* MAKE SURE SHE DOES THINGS FOR YOU AND NOT JUST YOU GIVING YOUR LIVE UP FOR HER! Entitlement is a HUGE red flag in spotting a BPD.

* MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT THINK SHE IS ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE! My BPD one time accidently said out of the blue while in a shopping centre "wow, everyone here is so ugly...." - NEXT HER.

* MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT DISCLAIM THAT SHE HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN IN THE PAST! BPD's are raised without clear boundaries (lack of father figure), and therefore do not understand high standards of moral/values.

* LASTLY: DO NOT PEDESTAL HER BY HER AMAZING HB AND BEAUTY!! This is something a BPD has PERFECTED since she had boobs before teenage years. You are up against a woman/girl who has learned the art of manipulation of trading her body/affection to get whatever she needs/wants in life. You have NO CHANCE in winning - learn to GET USED to beautiful women with HB and it will de-sensitize your NEED to pedestal and drool over beautiful women. Soon you will treat them ALL THE SAME because what really matters is past skin-deep; what is important is in her character, respect for you, personality, morals/values that will go the distance.

Good luck.

With Respect,

Exodus

 

[PeakIV]

GotED - yup it's all coming back to me tells you she loves you after the first few weeks , massive sense of entitlement, whats yours is by right hers.

she blew 10K on a credit card and then said I owed her the 10k a couple of years later.

reason - she spent it on things for me like food!

I paid all the rent and all the house bills while we were together - work that one out!??

financially reckless, if she is down to her last £20 she will spend it and ask you for a loan to tide her over.

no self control whatsoever rages at the drop of a hat - smashes things up - we went through 3 house phones and numerous kitchen drawers and doors being replaced.

boundaries what are they? they do what they want when they want, regardless of social etiquete eg - calls at 3am , asking people for favours they hardly know, etc,etc..

like I said emotions of a 3 year old ,acts like one too if they can't get their own way. massive red flag if you see this, worse is yet to come.

oh those were they days !!

 

[5string]

5string I have a question for you and anyone else who knows a lot about BPD.

With my ex one of the things I've noticed is she can never seem to find happiness within herself. She always seems to have to get it from an external source.

It was me from when we met and dated for awhile. Then of course that changed and she felt she was no longer "happy" with me so she had to go and get it from somewhere else.

For the most part, everything we always did and went to was planned by me. And it is the exact same now with this new guy shes with.

She can never seem to make her own happiness within herself, always seems to need to get it from somewhere else and is always chasing the next best thing.

Everytime I've "walked away" from her, and chosen to not stay as friends she either gets really upset with me, or guilt trips me in some way to try and make me feel bad for her.

Are these BPD signs?

I know and I feel for you brother. A BPD can suck you into an emotional black hole. When you are sucked in, it will take an enormous amount of effort to get out despite the gravity. Ultimately, they know not what they do.

It's weird. Most are uber feminine, fvck you into next week and idolize you. The best sh!t ever huh? Then, you are thinking you hit the female jackpot. At this point, the games begin. Push pull, leave you, come back and fvck with your mind, drain all of your energy and emotions. They can really fvck you up to the point of never trusting another woman again.

Mine put me in the hospital at one point but that's another story. I'm ok now.

Stay away from her. Remain on no contact mode. Literally, your life is at risk.

 

[Pirlo21]

boundaries what are they? they do what they want when they want, regardless of social etiquete eg - calls at 3am , asking people for favours they hardly know, etc,etc..

like I said emotions of a 3 year old ,acts like one too if they can't get their own way. massive red flag if you see this, worse is yet to come.

oh those were they days !!

This is so true.

I remember my ex one time hung up the phone on her Dad who was trying to help her with something. He didn't do it exactly as she wanted so she got pissed, yelled at him and hung up the phone. Her dad was hurt and she didn't even care, meanwhile the guy was freaking just trying to help her. I wanted to smack her when this happened.

Another time she wanted to borrow her moms ipod, but her mom was going to go for a run and she just acted like a complete angry upset child who didn't get her way.

She was constantly asking for favors from me and my friends during the end of it and would rarely give any back in return. Of course if I couldn't do one of those favors she would get upset and go all negative on me.

She can never seem to commit to anything, she will do something for a bit or say she will do something then it will never happen or she'll move on to something else.

My ex is still young 22, I still hope someday that she would grow out of all of this... but after reading everything here it looks like she may not.

I know and I feel for you brother. A BPD can suck you into an emotional black hole. When you are sucked in, it will take an enormous amount of effort to get out despite the gravity. Ultimately, they know not what they do.

It's weird. Most are uber feminine, fvck you into next week and idolize you. The best sh!t ever huh? Then, you are thinking you hit the female jackpot. At this point, the games begin. Push pull, leave you, come back and fvck with your mind, drain all of your energy and emotions. They can really fvck you up to the point of never trusting another woman again.

Mine put me in the hospital at one point but that's another story. I'm ok now.

Stay away from her. Remain on no contact mode. Literally, your life is at risk.

Thanks buddy. The longest we have ever gone without talking is 1.5 months (over the past 4 years of knowing her and being on/off 3 times). I know thats an incredibly short amount of time.

She always seems to pop up again after a few months NC. I'm at the point now where my emotions are up and down. A lot of the times im alright, happy and really confident. I've built my social life up over the past few months to the point where I almost always have something to do everyday if I want and am rarely alone (when I find I think about her the most and get depressed).

Ultimately, I know shes no good for me and that I am going to find someone 1000x better. But its going to take some time to get there.

 

[5string]

Pirlo

Stay NC for your own good. They most always come back for their emotional fix at your expense. I know how hard this is. They will drain your emotional well being. If you want to talk, pm me your # and I'll call you. We can toss it around. I really wish you the best and trust me, I know first hand how this can fvck a guy up. Been there.

 

[5string]

:kick: :crackup:

Actually, this is far from funny.

 

[5string]

why didn't you divorce her? Don't make the sunk cost fallacy here.

It's none of your business so myofb. All I have been doing is trying to help these guys.

 

[5string]

you're not helping them by telling them that you managed to fix you BPD and giving them a fools hope. They will cling to that no matter what advice you give after that.

I didn't "fix" her. I got her under control.

If you have better advice to give these guys, have at it.

 

[GotED?]

Best advice and protection from BPD: Always hold your own emotional attachment to yourself with women - the hotter they are, the more you need to hold back because you never know what you get... BPD is the most serious case of 'you never know what you get' because it doesn't surface with symptoms until you are into a relationship with the woman.

If you learn to be emotionally DETACHED until you know fer sure what the woman is really all about, then the final step is to be an ALPHA-MALE who can ALWAYS WALK AWAY FROM THE WOMAN at anytime. This will ensure your success with women and protection from BPD's.

With respect,

Exodus

 

[HeadLightsOn]

BPD Red Flags - and Sex

I didn't "fix" her. I got her under control.

If you have better advice to give these guys, have at it.

5string - Your posts are good, don't worry about any hassles you may have gotten on here

Your posts and a few others on this forum have SAVED my ass.

A female I had an extended 'thump and dump' involvement with for a couple of years (read FWB), is absolutely BPD. I had my suspicions for quite some time. Oh boy did reading these forums, doing some background reading and taking some online BPD tests for her (and I took them myself btw), help me.

Seriously, even though I am a hack at psychological stuff, I am now smart enough to identify BPD tendencies at the least. I also thought back to two previous LTRs and have come to my conclusions about those girls being BPD as well.

From my own experiences, here are some of the red flags I have dealt with for (very possible) BPD females:

1. Flaking and not getting back to you, even if you have made definite plans. I'm not talking meeting for a drink here, some of these arrangements involved sums of money, schedules, travel etc.

2. Sexually amazing. I will of course admit, this is an incredible part of a BPD. But NOT worth the crap stuff at all.

3. Cycling. That is, on again/off again, massive mood swings, fits of rage (punching HARD, screaming, yelling), and such dark moods.

4. Breaking up other peoples relationships. She has done this several times ie married men. She started this at a young age btw.

5. Very fearful of being abandoned, therefore will abandon YOU, then go into a cycle of NC, then contact you with a "Hi how are you, I MISS you" etc. This is a total mind****.

6. Very little emotional control. Can be childlike, uses baby voices and acts like a 'little girl.'

7. They ego feed you, build you up, get a hook into you, then start their way on their BPD cycle. Oh gawd I wished I had seen this developing.

This is scary stuff. I can only imagine what it would be like to be trapped (married, kids, LTR) and emotionally invested with one of these creatures.

I am a reasonably experienced mature male, well travelled and have had no problems getting and dating women. But I will NEVER EVER get involved with a BPD female again.

I would still like to have casual sex with this one, but she is so screwed up that I will be total NC from now on.

Anyone else have actual experiences they would like to post?

 

[5string]

5string - Your posts are good, don't worry about any hassles you may have gotten on here

Your posts and a few others on this forum have SAVED my ass.

A female I had an extended 'thump and dump' involvement with for a couple of years (read FWB), is absolutely BPD. I had my suspicions for quite some time. Oh boy did reading these forums, doing some background reading and taking some online BPD tests for her (and I took them myself btw), help me.

Seriously, even though I am a hack at psychological stuff, I am now smart enough to identify BPD tendencies at the least. I also thought back to two previous LTRs and have come to my conclusions about those girls being BPD as well.

From my own experiences, here are some of the red flags I have dealt with for (very possible) BPD females:

1. Flaking and not getting back to you, even if you have made definite plans. I'm not talking meeting for a drink here, some of these arrangements involved sums of money, schedules, travel etc.

2. Sexually amazing. I will of course admit, this is an incredible part of a BPD. But NOT worth the crap stuff at all.

3. Cycling. That is, on again/off again, massive mood swings, fits of rage (punching HARD, screaming, yelling), and such dark moods.

4. Breaking up other peoples relationships. She has done this several times ie married men. She started this at a young age btw.

5. Very fearful of being abandoned, therefore will abandon YOU, then go into a cycle of NC, then contact you with a "Hi how are you, I MISS you" etc. This is a total mind****.

6. Very little emotional control. Can be childlike, uses baby voices and acts like a 'little girl.'

7. They ego feed you, build you up, get a hook into you, then start their way on their BPD cycle. Oh gawd I wished I had seen this developing.

This is scary stuff. I can only imagine what it would be like to be trapped (married, kids, LTR) and emotionally invested with one of these creatures.

I am a reasonably experienced mature male, well travelled and have had no problems getting and dating women. But I will NEVER EVER get involved with a BPD female again.

I would still like to have casual sex with this one, but she is so screwed up that I will be total NC from now on.

Anyone else have actual experiences they would like to post?

Head

You get it bigtime. Thank you.

Now that you know what it's all about and the consequences of the disorder, you can deal with it and protect yourself. Good for you.

You are right about the cycling, amazing sex, idolization, etc. They do tend to be very attractive, talk uber feminine like a 17 yr old and boost your testosterone to unbelievable levels. Sexually, they can drive you nuts huh? That's part of the allure of a bpd.

Then the games begin. Don't play.

 

[Pirlo21]

5string - Your posts are good, don't worry about any hassles you may have gotten on here

Your posts and a few others on this forum have SAVED my ass.

A female I had an extended 'thump and dump' involvement with for a couple of years (read FWB), is absolutely BPD. I had my suspicions for quite some time. Oh boy did reading these forums, doing some background reading and taking some online BPD tests for her (and I took them myself btw), help me.

Seriously, even though I am a hack at psychological stuff, I am now smart enough to identify BPD tendencies at the least. I also thought back to two previous LTRs and have come to my conclusions about those girls being BPD as well.

From my own experiences, here are some of the red flags I have dealt with for (very possible) BPD females:

1. Flaking and not getting back to you, even if you have made definite plans. I'm not talking meeting for a drink here, some of these arrangements involved sums of money, schedules, travel etc.

2. Sexually amazing. I will of course admit, this is an incredible part of a BPD. But NOT worth the crap stuff at all.

3. Cycling. That is, on again/off again, massive mood swings, fits of rage (punching HARD, screaming, yelling), and such dark moods.

4. Breaking up other peoples relationships. She has done this several times ie married men. She started this at a young age btw.

5. Very fearful of being abandoned, therefore will abandon YOU, then go into a cycle of NC, then contact you with a "Hi how are you, I MISS you" etc. This is a total mind****.

6. Very little emotional control. Can be childlike, uses baby voices and acts like a 'little girl.'

7. They ego feed you, build you up, get a hook into you, then start their way on their BPD cycle. Oh gawd I wished I had seen this developing.

This is scary stuff. I can only imagine what it would be like to be trapped (married, kids, LTR) and emotionally invested with one of these creatures.

I am a reasonably experienced mature male, well travelled and have had no problems getting and dating women. But I will NEVER EVER get involved with a BPD female again.

I would still like to have casual sex with this one, but she is so screwed up that I will be total NC from now on.

Anyone else have actual experiences they would like to post?

I posted mine a bit ago if you scroll through the thread. Everything you said hear rings a bell about my ex too.

A trait with mine that I noticed with mine is that once the relationship went on for awhile she just never seemed to ever be happy, in her own life and with me.

She was always looking for the next best thing, in jobs, friends, relationships even where she lived.

She could never really commit to anything, she's never really had a stable base set of friends like I do, she constantly rotates in and out of friendships, works many jobs and goes from loving them at first to hating them. She went from loving the city we lived in, to now hating it and wanting to move.

She has had a problem with EVERY single one of her roomates, including one who was her best friend for awhile, now I don't even think they really talk.

Overtime, she would just always seem to find the flaws in something and it was like nothing was ever good enough.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

But what about JUST sex with BPD's?

The title says it all.

I mean Ive seen the term here 'thump and dump.' Yea I know it sounds callous (to some of us), but does anyone have any experience or thoughts on JUST having a FWB gig with a BPD chick?

That means NO emotional attachment (heh - just like them), and NO cuddly-schmoozy-kissy treatment.

I wonder. I know its playing with a beast with fangs the size of elephant tusks, but...

 

[TonyBaloney]

Without sounding patronising or plain nosey, can I ask what kinda of class/wealth/career you were from versus your BPD.

I was completely undermined, devalued and belittled by mine cos her dad was a lord, and I was always made to feel `not good enough`

Dont know if any of this rings true with you guys??