Banging my head....

[decades]

I am with joe all the way on this one. Don't respond to this PHISHing expedition. The best way to handle people like this is to IGNORE..Silence is deadly for them and they hate being ignored. Trim you deserve props man for how you are handling this. But know that we support you 100% in your decision to not respond to her and give her ANY satisfaction because any response from you will give her some satisfaction. No response will leave her struggling and wondering how was this guy able to move on from ME?

regards

 

[joekerr31]

no only will it leave her wondering how you moved on but her mind will also start to struggle with whether or not she had been a b*tch.

and the conclusion she will come to is "i must be a b*tch and he must finally see that to basically want nothing to do with me anymore"

gotta understand that a b*tch doesn't think that men have the ability to care about themselves. they figure that we'll do anything to just be with them. so when we finally go 'you know what. thanks, but no thanks. i really dont want you in my life" it shatters their perception of how things work.

its like when you no longer react to a childs temper tantrum. they suddenly go "what?! I can't get what i want doing this?! but its the only power i have, its all i know how to do. what do i do now?"

J

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by joekerr31
no only will it leave her wondering how you moved on but her mind will also start to struggle with whether or not she had been a b*tch.
J

The thing is that alot of women know they are a b!tch and they go on about their lives knowing it and not doing anything about it. Prime example was my last relationship. My ex and I were talking one day and she told me that a guy she went out with before me had called her to see how she was doing. And I acted suprised and said jokingly "Why aren't you going out with him?" And she said that she could never go out with him again because she hurt him very badly. Once she got him to fall in love with her she decided he was not the man for her!! Well I guess I should have taken that as a hint but I guess men are not real smart in taking hints , cause she ended up doing the excact same thing to me. But when she told me what she did to him, she showed no remorse about it what so ever, kinda like the same reaction if she had broken a nail!! Some women, I guess, have some kinda brain block in their head causing them not to give a sh!t about bringing a man down to his knees!!!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Joe said:

gotta understand that a b*tch doesn't think that men have the ability to care about themselves. they figure that we'll do anything to just be with them. so when we finally go 'you know what. thanks, but no thanks. i really dont want you in my life" it shatters their perception of how things work.

That should be in a textbook Joe. I will illustrate just how true that is. I dated a girl years back who actually had the "Beyond B1tch" t-shirt. She lived in another state and I lived there for one summer while I was competing (I used to be an athlete). Well when summer ended, I said "later kitty" and went back home, having no intentions of being with her anymore. She went crazy! She actually moved a mile away from me to be with me after that. Of course, she wanted to win the Trim challenge. She "sugar and spiced" me for two months before she dumped me, broke her lease, and went back home. I'd complain more, but she gave me the best sex I've ever had in my life!!!! (keep in mind, that's saying a lot because I've had a lot of it)

Now back to the the ex.

Getting that email has hammered me. Couldn't really sleep last night. My brain has been working overtime ever since. She is so off and on. I really hope this is the last loop on the rollercoaster.

My current take on it is she was seeing someone behind my back before. And now that she has the forbidden fruit, she sees that it isn't really that great.

So not only will she really see she is a b1tch, like you guys said. She has nobody to turn to anymore because, all though I'm hurting, I'm going to get through this. And I'm never looking back. And her previous method of "don't say anything and get upset with Trim, turn to Adam" won't work anymore because "don't say anything and get upset with Adam, turn to (blank)" is not an option. That's like a nightmare for someone who has become so needy.

Anyway, she couldn't deal with our challenges like a mature adult in a mature relationship. She didn't want to share her concerns and confide in someone who did everthing they could to be a good mate for her. She only became more infantile and flippant and turned to someone else to share her codependence with.

At times, I'm beginning to see little flickers of just how lucky I am.

I'm going out tonight. I want to have a good time. I'm going to Sarge with my 49-year-old buddy from South America. It's gonna be an awesome night!

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper

At times, I'm beginning to see little flickers of just how lucky I am.

That's a good sign!!! Pretty soon those flickers will become sunshine and open air....your gettin there :woo:

 

[joekerr31]

hey Trim,

loved your last post. you're beginning to see that this could have been a good thing for you, and thats great, becuase it is a good thing. soon instead of just catching a few glimpses of that it will be your 24/7 perspective.

with regards to the comment made that women know they are b*tches and don't care. I'd tend to disagree with that. I think they know and they do care, but by definition of b*tch, they sure aren't going to act like they do.

being a b*tch is a defense. everyone gets hurt in life and you do one of two things in response. You grow stronger or you grow weaker. becoming a b*tch is the later.

being a b*tch means hurting the other person before they hurt you. for the poor sap who gets his heart ripped out it might seem like he's on the losing end. but to the rest of the world looking in objectively she is on the losing end because she's a b*tch.

you see, its IMPOSSIBLE to get what you can't give. if you can't be honest and caring and loving and trustworthy towards other people, you will NEVER get those towards yourself (not over the long run). You might find a sap who gives you those things short term, but eventually he will want those things back. even the biggest AFC will put his foot down at some point.

now, if you take hte high road, learn to deal with the pain, learn to love yourself, learn cope with life's tragedies (not just romantic) in a way that is healthy.... you might have more short term pain, but you'll keep all the traits that are necessary in finding hte relationship you want.

b*tches don't win. think about it, do you ANY people, men or women, out there who treat others like sh*t yet are truly happy at the same time? i've never met a single one. what you find are people really good at "looking" happy, but ocne you get to know them you see they are just a totally f*cked up person with no sense of inner peace at all.

sometimes its hard to see in the soceity we live in, but being a good person has its rewards. having a clear conscience is PRICELESS. and when you get through this Trim you'll feel so proud of yourself for being a stand up guy and you'll see just how sad and pathetic she is and you'll never want to be with her again.

at the end of this process you will begin to see that YOU ARE THE PRIZE.

J

 

[RobLB]

J,...your best post yet.

It's funny you can't read a woman until they sh!t in you and ruin your life. People kept telling me about my ex (remember I live in a small town) and the way she was before we even went out and during,..but I didn't see it!! I guess it's just a chance you take because I never saw it coming. I wish there was some way of truly knowing a woman before you get serious with her but I guess they wouldn't be a woman if you could.

 

[Nighthawk]

It seems as if this woman's behaviour has triggered depression, and unlocked a flood of repressed feelings. It takes time but you will emerge stronger.

The best thing you can do is understand how your ex can't help being unethical and cold-hearted, and for you to pity her and ultimitely forgive her for what she did.

That letter is BS mind-games btw.

Lots of great insight and advice here. Keep us posted of your heroic return to DJ greatness please. Nothing beats a comeback.

 

[The_Next_Big_Thing]

Whatever doesn't kill you, will just make you stronger

The Loser: Signs you are dating a loser

I am happy that you are making such good progress and you are seeing the light. You will become a great DJ again. Good luck with your transformation back to DJ greatness.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

OK, I went out last night. I wanted to have a good time, but the girls I talked to just brought me down, some were just downright boring. Actually, the one girl I was starting to connect with just turned her back on me midway through our convo. Now I wished I'd stayed home. That's sad I know.

Not doing good today.

I'm still thinking about that email. I've gotten opinions from a lot of people on that. Some say she just wanted to get rid of the tickets, and because she has no emotional connection to me anymore, had no qualms emailing me a week after she tried to contact my mom.

Others, like a few of you, said that it is BS and she's looking for more than to just give me the tickets.

I'm really confused. Nothing makes sense to me. There are a few statements in there that are trying to be friendly. But why be friendly at this point? Is it guilt? Is she fishing?(because that would be strange at this point, right?)

She also recognizes that it's weird to send me this. And, this is after she emailed my mom a week before to give me the tickets. Well, if it's weird, then why is she doing it? If she sent my mom the email and didn't hear anything back, why email me the day before the event?

And why tell me about her life? She dumps me. Then emails me and tells me about her life (after saying "I don't know what else to say" mind you)

She also says how she "really wanted me to go to this since I'd talked about it so long". She gave me the ultimate rejection. And then tells me this statement about a little trip she had planned for her and me. Do you think she has any idea how sick I find this?
Because to me, it's like getting another dagger to the heart. I'm supposed to go to this thing, a gift from her, but without her, and enjoy myself, all the while being reminded it's over between us.

As you can see, I'm really wrestling with all of this. I was starting to feel better last week. Then I got this f*ckin' sh1t.

This sucks. This sucks.

 

[joekerr31]

trim this isn't wierd. this is classic b*tch 101.

ok here's the deal. a tell tale sign of a b*tch is that she will rip your heart out and then ask you if you want a hug.

this is what they do man.

so how do you know if shes being genuinely friendly? it's simple. was she friendly during the breakup? did she take your best interest to heart when she left? did she agree to councelling during the relationship? did she do ANYTHING that indicates that she's concerned with your well being?

NO. She didn't.

and you suddenly think she woke up this morning with a conscience? give me a break.

she's doing this for one reason and one reason only.... to see if she still has you on the hook. To see if she decides to change her mind 3 months, 6 months, 2 years down the road, whether you will be there to take her back.

she doesnt want you back now. and may never want you back. but she wants to know she can have you. she wants to know you are in misery, because that's her angle. as long as you are in misery, she knows that you'll jump for her warm tender love.

dude, DO NOT let this sh*t derail you.

the mature appropriate thing to do during a break up, especially one where someone cheated, is to apologize for hte pain you've caused and then make a clean break.

her life is messy and she's making this post breakup messy also.

its up to you as to whether you want to play her game. but you aren't going to win. there is no winners in that kind of game, everyone gets hurt and everyoen gets messy.

you need to accept that if she truly had your best interests at heart she never would have done all the things she did. and even if you dont know why shes doing what shes doing now, you can bet your bottom dollar on one thing, shes doing it for her own selfish reasons.

remember dude, she is not the solution, she is the problem. you have to embrace that reality, and no matter how much you may want to reconnect with her, DON'T.

as for your night out. don't let that worry you. you are in no shape to sarge. take some time for yourself. hey, it might take a year, so what. you're like an athlete that abused his body with drugs (ie. your ex) and then blew out a quad. You gotta detox and heal before you get back in the game.

stay strong man.
J

 

[decades]

trim, the real experts on dysfunctional relationships and their endings always counsel protection first and foremost, which means doing everything in your power to not only maintain no contact but to PREVENT It with all your power!

And that sometimes means changing phones numbers or at least getting caller id blocking email addys or changing your email address. Sometimes people have to actually move to escape the abusive EX.

The point, and you are proving it today, is that these innocent contacts reek havoc on our emotions. Yesterday you felt like you could handle it, but today was a different story. The mind begins to play tricks, like wondering what she really meant, or has she changed, or maybe just maybe...?

So this is what has happened. Your initial response was great and exactly appropriate but the mind had time to consider it and now it isn't so sure what to think. You can get through this. And consider taking some of the actions I described. Its likely she is done if you don't respond to this email. But remember, that even reading an email can bring up all kinds of negative emotions, and that's not even answering it! Good luck!

regards

 

[&UWlNoMeByThTrlOPusy]

quit trying to read the girls mind, it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about your feelins dude, shes messing with your head. If you do write back it shouldonly be to say thyat you have lost all respect for her.

So how hot is she?

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Nighthawk,

Why do you think the letter is mindgames?

Yes, I'm depressed. I was diagnosed with depression last week. I talked about it earlier in the thread. I have also been panicking again since recieving her email on Friday. It's pretty hard for me right now. I'm nervous and anxious all the time, that is when I'm not panicking. It's the worst feeling I've ever felt. I'm not vomiting, but I feel hopeless at those moments. It's just not right. nobody should ever have to endure this.

Which brings me to what Joe said:

you suddenly think she woke up this morning with a conscience?

She blew me out harder than any woman ever has. And this is the women who I cared about more than anyone. When she left, I can't tell you how bad the pain was. But then it only got worse and worse.

So when I actually get some help and start to think that things are going to be ok, she sends me this! Right man. She has no conscience. She is acting on emotion. She broke up with me on emotion. She sent me that f*cking email on emotion. And didn't care one bit about how I might be doing.

Who knows, maybe she just didn't want her tickets to go to waste?

But then she tries to sweeten it up by telling me how I can have a fun day with my friend!

No matter what, I'm getting hurt. She tries to do something "sweet" and it hurts me. I try to be strong, not think about her, and not contact her and it hurts me. I think about the past and it hurts me. I think about the future and it hurts me. I think about now and it hurts me. I think about how she sounds so fine in her mail and it hurts me.

Also Joe, she never admitted to having any affairs when we were together. I confronted her a few times directly because of the signs, to which responded with 'no'. I don't think she got intimate
with Adam at the time, but I do know at least she was messaging him, somebody she thought was hot, while she was at work. I didn't find this out until it was over. But there are also a lot of clues which could point to them f*cking, too. Doesn't matter now, I know. But I'm focusing more on the "how could she be so selfish" than the dent to my ego on this.

What I'm trying to get at is that she couldn't admit to having, at the least, an emotional affair. So there is no way she could break up maturely and cleanly. Instead, she faked me out while I made the preparations to start our marriage only to drop me like we were in high school.

My birthday is this week and I don't think she's going to contact me. If she does, then that's just going way over the top with this. Damn, I hope she doesn't. It'll only make what's already going to be a tough day much worse.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Persistent,

I don't think sending the email was the right thing to do on her part. Five weeks ago she has her dad give me back the ring. But now it's supposed to be water under the bridge! Like she didn't just throw away years of commitment on both our parts. Go ahead Trim, take the trip and have fun with your bud!

I guess things are dysfunctional. Nonfunctional really. But any contact only brings things back to dysfunctional.

I didn't want them to be that way. I would like to think I did everything I could do, even to the point of martyrdom, to keep the relationship peppy. But look at this mess!

Yes, my mind is going a mile a minute. This is how it was the first day it ended. But I'm also panicking now. Sh1t.

 

[joekerr31]

unfortunately, right now, you've given her all your power. you've made her the locus of control for your happiness and well being.

tahts why you are in so much pain.

the pain isn't going to end until you find the strength to take control of your life again.

you trusted her with what was most precious to you and she kicked it in the head. it sucks.

now you want to hurt her. you want to love her. you want her to admit her wrongs, you want her to admit she loves you. etc. etc. etc.

but the only way out of this total ****ing mess is to see that SHE CAUSED THE MESS!

she is the problem, NOT the solution.

as long as you keep reminding yourself that SHE IS THE PROBLEM you will get through this.

when you falter and think the solution somehow has something to do with her, then you are f*cked.

keep moving away from her dude, you'll get to a good spot in life in time.

J

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
Yes, I'm depressed. I was diagnosed with depression last week.

Hey Trim,

I was also diagnosed with depression after I went through the same sh!t you did. But you need to know it is only situational depression and not clinical depression, so it will get better. Believe me everytime I read your symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic attacks,etc...it brings back bad memories of my heart being ripped out the same way your was. I know it sucks, I was there and still there sometimes. At least you don't still see her like I still see mine cause believe me it is worse when you actually see them. My ex pulled out in front of me on my way home the other day and stayed in front of me the whole way home,.. and it was an instant panic attack!! I was shaking when I got home.

I know your probably tired of hearing this but hang in there cause it's gonna get better. Just keep telling yourself this....

By the way how long has it been now since all this happened?

 

[TheTrimReaper]

She ended it Monday, September 26.

Since I'm feeling historical, here's the note I wrote about it that night:

I got dumped by ------- tonight. We'd had the roughest week. Actually, I should say I had the roughest week. She gave me the hardest time. I was not up for all the crap I had to put up with and I shared how I felt. She didn't like seeing that she couldn't push me around I guess, so she came to work and broke up with me. She tried keep it short. Actually, she wanted to break up with me in the parking lot. But I got her to come in because I could tell by her tone that it was serious. Well, the first thing she says when we get into the room is "I can't do this." Man, my heart broke once again. Yes, the first break in this series of bullsh1t was in May, then July, and now in September. I guess this is really it. She said she didn't want to talk to me for at least ten days. Then I could talk to her. I acted foolish I guess. I cried and cried. I definitely couldn't handle the rejection well. Maybe that was for the better of both of us as being the strong,
silent type might keep her around.

Right now, I am a bundle of emotions. I miss her. I am worried about her. I am mad at her. I'm in love with her.

But as ----- pointed out, this is probably for the better. He's seen
how long I've been suffering. He also sees the effort I have put into making this work. Yes, he is my friend and maybe he sees this from my side, but he seems to think that ------ just wasn't that committed to making things work.

She saw me working hard to get my -------- license, but she still
thought that I was going nowhere. She saw me getting her the
"little things" she thought were important, but that wasn't enough. I asked her what were the things she would like me to do for her. She told me, and I did them. But that wasn't enough. The only thing I can think of right now is that she just didn't like me enough anymore. Of course, she wouldn't agree with that statement, but I have tried to do things her way, and she still treats me with indifference and even contempt.

She told me that the soonest we could talk would be in ten days. I asked ------what he thought of it. He told me that I shouldn't talk to her in ten days, fifteen days, twenty days.... He thinks that it's just plain over, and since I respect his view, that's what I'm gonna try to do.

Of course, when I was talking to her, she told me that she could never see herself marrying me. And that I should have proposed a year ago. She also added that her time with me has been a waste...that she had nothing to show for the time we spent together, not enough jewelry, no diamond earrings or necklaces. Well, I don't know what to say to that. I worked as
hard as I could this past year saving up for the ring.

Since she was racking up the "you suck" shots against me, saying things about how I didn't even have a car[I RIDE A MOTORCYCLE GUYS] and that we always had to drive hers around , and that I never wanted to spend time with her friends, people I would never hang out with if I didn't have to.

She drove away while I was standing in the rain, like a lame-ass
movie.

Now I feel really tired. I don't want this to happen, but I guess
I'm as ready as I'll ever be to get over this. I look like sh1t by
the way. My goal is to go the ten days without talking to her. And
then try to go as long as possible after that. She will try to talk
to me at some point, and I want to just get through it. It's over and I know it. There is no sense in tearing myself up over this anymore.

I am scared, yes. ---------- is my lover and my friend. I feel like I
should talk to her to feel better about this, but I can't. I have
to do everything I can not to give in here. I owe myself the strength.

Damn, it feels like I wrote that such a long time ago. I have been going through hell since then let me tell you. When I said we'd had problems in May and July, well, here's the story.

In May, as I've already said here, she took a trip to Italy and came back a acting like fifteen year old. So I did a preemptive breakup. Unfortunately, I gave in and we, actually I, "worked on" it.

Then in July, after spending the third night straight at home waiting for her to come home, I left at 10:30. She had come home at @1:00 am the two nights before after spending time with "Stacy" and I'd had enough, so I left and went to a friend's house. She called me at 12:15 that night, a Sunday night, wondering where I was in the first message. Eight minutes later, she calls again, pissed off, and informs me, by message mind you, that that's it and she's moving out!

I think she started calling me like 2 or 3 days later. Acting angry but then being nice and getting me back in. We talked about things pretty intensely after that. It seemed like after all of that crap, we were able to be more comfortable together.

But then two months later, after things seemed really good and like they were even going to get better, she came to my work and ended it. I guess it's final because SHE was the one to end it.

After reading some of these things, I can see that I did share myself with her much more than now. Actually, I wouldn't share anything with her now, so I've made a lot of progress(although I made it look really hard). It's good to see some contrast. And I still haven't talked to her since that day.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I'm going to a new shrink tomorrow. Still panicking. I'm glad I made it through these past four days without doing anything stupid. I didn't contact her, even though I had the urge, and, well, I didn't do anything stupid....

It's strange to think that I'm living minute-by-minute, pacing, rubbing my legs over and over, while she has no idea what is going on with me. This is the girl that emailed and called me at work, almost daily, for years, only to see me at home at 5:30. Now nothing for six weeks. She's respecting my space!

And her life is probably so much different than mine at this point. Read the email. She sounds pretty fine to me, while I'm pretty damn far from it.

A friend thinks she just has no idea how poorly she is treating me and has treated me. The day before things ended, we were having a conversation, and she said, "You don't treat me that well, but I know that I treat you great." To which, I responded with silence. This really p1ssed her off. I was upset about some of the stuff I mentioned earlier and that reminded me that, in fact, she wasn't treating me right.

That's how things had been for a while. She just wasn't, and still isn't, acting right. And I think this email is just another example of it. There was no need for it. There was no need to give me this 'present'. She had no intention of making me happy, and if she did, why? All it did was confuse me, stress me out, and make me think about the good times again, dammit!

It's scary to go on with my life without her. I had big plans for us. It's sad looking at it from where I am now. But when I do gain control, and move forward with my life, it should change.

 

[joekerr31]

good attitude man.

at the end of the day the one thing you do know is that she did not treat you the way you deserve to be treated. so regardless of how much you want her, or how long you were together, you gotta suck it up, no matter how much pain you gotta go through, and move on.

the only power a woman has over you is whatever power you give her.

think about it for a second. most of us have had a chic that we let manipulate us, lie to us, etc. and we take it. but in time we eventually stop taking it and suddenly this woman that we want so much becomes repulsive.

when that moment hits all your power comes rushing back and you see that really she never had any power over you at all. her only power was that of seduction.

this is why chics go CRAZY when you genuinely want nothing to do with them anymore. i mean, it drives them absolutely mad.

case in point, this chic i recently had a whole mess of a situation with. i basically next her, but she continues to email now and then. stupid me i kept replying, feeding her sense of power via seduction. now though all my replies are blunt, short and business only.

the hard reality that all men have to face is that you truly do have to learn to survive on your own. as a man, if you can't be happy on your own, then you will always be mistreated by some woman.

so keep working on yourself. forget her and any power you gave her. you're going through pain but you will grow. she may not being going through any pain but she also isnt growing. she will remain stuck for the next 30 years in the state shes in now.

you on the other hand have the chance to grow, become more mature, which then allows for hte chance of finding a really great woman. in 30 years you might have kids, still be married to a great woman, and be totally at bliss with your life.

meanwhile she will be a wretched bag who hates the world until the day she dies.

living well IS the best revenge my friend.
J