Originally posted by persistent exaction
Trim you've had two pieces of contact that have set you back. And you don't ordinarily think of these things as contact but they are.
The first was the email that you didn't respond to. Nevertheless you read it and you parsed it and you rolled it over in your mind and it made you think about her and your relationship again. You relived it.
Second, talking to the friend about the x. Yep. Same thing. That also has forced you to rethink your relationship.
Persistent,
Now that I'm out of my last episode of depression, I can see how spot on this is. This weekend, and into the beginning of the week, I was just as nervous and panicky as I had been last month. Whether it is direct or indirect contact, it puts the hurt on me. I've been feeling better the last few days though. I laughed last night a few times, and there were a few moments when I felt calm.
I SLEPT 7 HOURS LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
My therapist is doing exercises with me to bring down the intensity of the painful memories. We are using NLP, which I have studied for a while myself. I hadn't been able to do it myself because I had been so immobilized by this trauma. She told me that while we were doing the exercises, she could see I was in a massive amount of pain. I felt like I couldn't breathe. She then apologized for putting me through it again.
She told me yesterday that the brain and the body will heal. It just takes time if you want to take a passive approach. We are taking an active approach by doing these exercises to speed up the recovery process.
I'm very satisfied with her as a therapist. Even after only two visits, it seems like we click very well. I think she's going to be able to help me a lot. I did have my doubts on the first day, but yesterday she seemed to be closer to me. She told me she thinks the ex has identity issues, and also that it is clear she is not ready for a committed relationship. I said,"I think she is dating, or maybe even living with, another guy now." She said it doesn't matter. She is not ready for a committed relationship.
I gave and I gave because I wanted to be a good mate. The ex did for a while but didn't follow through. I think she gave enough to get me going, then she either changed her mind or felt some weird satisfaction that she was able to "surmount" the challenge.
The therapist said, like you guys have told me, that I didn't do anything wrong. I know that. I think I did everything I could do, and I don't mean I gave her so much she was overwhelmed. I mean I tried to keep things fresh, exciting, passionate, and positive while still letting her know I was committed to this thing. I also did the things I wanted to do to be happy on my own. I'd hate to see how I'd be if I had been a chump the whole time.
I'm paying attention to myself more now like many of you have suggested. The other night, I went shopping for new clothes. I had an awesome little gay man pick out the best stuff for me. I spent a bunch of the engagement ring money! Now my look is updated, and I'm feeling better about my appearance. Last night I went to my first singles event. While the girls were not attractive, I still practiced. It was reassuring because I knew women were attracted.
On Sunday, I've got a date planned with that Polish girl I think might flake. The thing is, it's down in the part of town where the ex just moved. I hope I don't see her. I probably won't see the ex, but it's in my mind. Regardless, the girl might flake, so I think I'm wondering why I'm putting myself through more anxiety! I guess I'm trying to prepare myself.