Banging my head....

[TheTrimReaper]

Re: NLP??

Originally posted by RobLB
Hey Trim , what is NLP ???

Rob, It's Neuro-linguistic Programming. Read about it here

I first learned about it from reading Tony Robbin's 'Unlimited Power', a must read book in my opinion for anyone on here.

Originally posted by joekerr31

and that perspective will be that SHE lost out. she is destined to live her life out in shallow relationships where the only hold she has on a man is drama tricks and telling him that he's not good enough (with the hopes that he will just try harder and harder to please her).

she's a lost cause and you are on your way to a new and exciting life.
J

I've been talking about this the past few days. I wasn't like her dad. She couldn't control me. I did give. I gave a hell of a lot. But I gave what I wanted to when I wanted to, and I think that p1ssed her off. She also failed to look at our history and my past actions in our relationship. I got a book about BPD tonight to get more info about this. I think she has BPD because no sane woman would have walked away from what we had. It was good.

I am already getting perspective on this. I'm starting to think I got lucky here. To me, nothing of any value can be obtained without absolute commitment. I was committed, so to me, the relationship was valuable, priceless. As my therapist said, the ex wasn't and can't be committed at this point in her life. So she and I are way different!!! I would be a fool to want to be with someone who is so different from me. Maybe she will change. Maybe she will be able to have something valuable at some point. But I'm so far ahead already.

I'm about to go into town to a place where I've some luck before and sarge. No wingmen. My only wingman is my 49-year-old South American buddy, and he can only go to Salsa class with me on Mondays! Also, his English isn't the best, but he's got a pretty sweet name, Fabio. You should see girls reactions when I introduce him with that name. It, of course leads into, no he's not the 'I can't believe it's not butter' guy.

Tonight, the Polish chick called. I didn't have my phone on me and she didn't leave a message. Interested girls leave messages. Hell, they'll knock on your window in the middle of the night like a cat that wants to get in if they like you enough(happened to me before). I called back and left a message. Still no call back. Oh well!!!

It doesn't really matter, because I have another date set with yet another girl on Monday! She's 21. I met her at my work, only once. Her last day was Wednesday, and I didn't get much time to number close her, but I managed. I called her tonight without much to go on in terms of interest level. I figured I'd see how the convo went and date close or eject. The convo went great, so I went for it!

This is what I have forgotten. You have to meet and meet and meet women. You will find ones who are terrible for you. No biggie. There is one right behind her who could turn out to be the next Mrs. Reaper. You just don't know.

 

[joekerr31]

trim,

glad to see you recognizing that you got lucky.

let's all be honest with each other here for a moment. everyone wants to fall in love nad live happily ever after.

should it be difficult to acheive this? no.
is it difficult? yes.

ill go so far as to say, not only is it difficult, in many respects its out of our control.

its IMPOSSIBLE to change other people. sure, you can use various tactics to 'trick' them into behaving, but ultimately, who they are is who they are, and it all comes out in the wash.

so really, the true key to finding love, is being able to recognize the diamonds in the rough. knowing the signs of a woman that is suited for that type of committement.

those signs, in my opinion, are honesty and maturity.

in today's society those are rare traits. furthermore, they are only traits exhibited by folks who have taken the time to gain insight into their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. who have developed a "life philosophy". who aren't chasing that hit of heroine, but rather are seeking peace and harmony.

hb 9 and 10s, and chics with personality disorders, never acheive this state of being. why? because they have no motivation to do so. their lives are built around having various people who will put up with them acting like spoiled children.

so many people in life stubbornly plant their feet in say "im not moving!". its the people who say "you know something, this isnt working, its time to change" that eventually grow and mature.

very self centered and immature people can treat you like gold - for a while.

in a way our generation has become quite sad. its a generation of desperate people tryign to lock each other into relationships of mutual narcissism.

everyoen is so focused on external factors of value, money, looks, etc. that we've created a society where no one is really good enough. so everyone "settles" but is never really happy.

i think perhaps, as men, the key lies in looking at women a little different. perhaps the key is in picking the good hb 7 who will treat you with love and respect, versus the self centered hb9.

anyway, you were lucky trim. you had a woman that was too broken, and will always be to broken, to ever have a truly loving, mature, and respectful LTR.

there are lots of women out there though that are dying for a good man. they just arent in the bars. they aren't really anywhere. like most they simply are around.

so really its up to fate as to whether you bump into them. all you can do is recognize them when you do.

J

 

[joekerr31]

j

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Well, the ex was hot. I don't know much about the HB scale, but guys were always after her. The only way I can describe her would be like Uma Thurman. Blonde...light blue eyes. And she was extremely intelligent and educated.

And as you say, girls like that are never single, so there is not much to get to know their identity. So their identity changes on whims or their surroundings. I think in her case it was the people she was around lately...new coworkers...new friends.... And that becomes their reality. There is no motivation to change. And when someone calls them on their sh1t, like I did, it's like someone let off a nuclear bomb. They just can't deal with it.

Well, I'm doing what I can to forget about her. I was sitting here thinking this morning about all of the nights I was at home, sitting there waiting for her to come back. Sure, I found things to do to keep me busy, but the bottom line was I was waiting for her to come home. She would tell me she was going out to eat with her friend 'Stacy' and leave at 4pm. She wouldn't come home until 12 or 1am, while I was thinking she would be back at the latest 8pm. I figured we'd be able to go out together.

Funny, she said she wanted a more 'exciting' life and I wanted a more peaceful life while I was the one who didn't even have the chance to do anything exciting with her.

Well, f*ck her. I'm taking a different woman out for the next three nights. I wonder what she would think of that!

I think about the nights I sat here alone, essentially waiting for her, when there were perhaps thousands of great women out there who would have loved to have been out with me. I was tying to be a good mate, and she just disregarded and ignored what I was offering.

Later fellas.

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by joekerr31

hb 9 and 10s, and chics with personality disorders, never acheive this state of being. why? because they have no motivation to do so. their lives are built around having various people who will put up with them acting like spoiled children.

very self centered and immature people can treat you like gold - for a while.

I totally agree with this. My ex was a HB9 and I always wondered why she was not married. She had alot of class, made great money, lived in a huge house and just about everybody in town knew her. Of course at the end of our relationship I asked her why she was not married and she told me she was picky. But now I know the real reason. Thank god I found this forum because I would have always wondered what "I" did wrong. As much as I am pissed off at her for what she did to me, I still feel sorry for her. I'm sure deep down, rather it be now or 20 years from now, she going to wonder why she is still single. I don't know if it's the way she was raised or what, but why a woman turns out like that is beyond me.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Rob,

Yeah, these women will not get married until they start suffering from chronic 'dry basket'. Then they will stay with whomever they are with at the time, not necessarily the person who was best for them.

In my opinion, why they turn out this way stems from all of the mixed messages women get these days about what their roles should be.

I went to my first, and last, singles event the other night. It was full of late 20's early 30's career women. The only pretty ladies there were part of the event staff. The available women I talked to were not attractive enough to date and way too aggressive. I talked to a woman, who was the director of bla bla bla at the DC office of bla bla bla. You should have heard her voice. I felt like I was talking to Trump or something. This woman was arrogant! I just had the impression these ladies thought they were going to find a man the same way they pursued their careers....Go to school. Check.....Get a good job. Check.....Buy a house. Check.....Find perfect man for me. Check.

Well, there is no way in hell I would ever want one of these career women. These women make the mistake of thinking I give a damn about what they do, how much they earn, how fast they can run a mile in.... They pursue goals like a man would and erroneously think I'm going to be impressed.

And you know who is even worse by an almost infinite magnitude? A hot career woman!

Honestly, what impresses me in a woman is her ability to nurture. That's what Mom did. She had a job. But she never spouted at the mouth about how many people she had under her. Never talked about how much she wanted to make by the time she was 40....

Don't get me wrong guys. It's alright to me if a man does this. It's even alright if one of these career women do this. The thing is I don't want to date either one.

I want a woman I can stand, I'm attracted to, and who will be nice to have kids with.

I thought the ex was this woman. She talked and talked about Martha Stewart for years. But when she moved into my house, she didn't do sh1t. She gave my dog little treats she'd pick up when we first started dating, take him running with her, take him with her to see her family. But as time passed, all of that dissappeared. She never cleaned. In fact, there were stacks of Martha Stewart and other home magazines ironically stacked up on the dining room table for who knows how long in the end.

Originally posted by joekerr31
trim,

very self centered and immature people can treat you like gold - for a while.

And that's just it. The ex was smart. And she figured out early on what I wanted in a woman. She did everything she could to be her. But that wasn't who she was. And eventually, she couldn't continue with her charade. I don't think she can ever be herself with the way she is living her life.

In the end, she could see my career was headed in the right direction. She saw me talking to my friend, who has been quite successful in this business, and could see that I was going to be able to support a family on my own. I told her she wouldn't have to work. I told her I didn't want my kids to have to go to daycare and not be with their mom. I told her she wouldn't have to pay any of the bills(which she hadn't for quite some time living in my house anyway).

I don't know if I ruined her career woman, girls rule-boys drool, dream. Or maybe I called her on all of the fake-nurturer crap she had been spouting for years so she knew she would have to put up or shut up. But the b1tch is gone!!!

Time to go on my date. Later

 

[joekerr31]

trim,

I'm around corporate women all day. the reason they get so messed in the head is that a lot of the alpha corporate executives treat women like pieces of meat. the only women that tend to get to the top are the women who aren't feminine. these women the executives are happy to have in their ranks, because they have no desire to bang them.

theres a total misconception that hot women get to the top. exactly the opposite. they tend to get to the middle. no executive is going to put a woman in a top spot just to bang her, although he will put her in middle management, where she won't do to much damage and he can still nail her.

the only problem with corporate career women is that the corporate world is a very dysfunctional place, for men and women. you gotta be tough to survive and do well in it. as a result a lot of women have learned how to be tough as nails, and they carry that over into their personal lives.

to be honest with you, i think women pay a much bigger price than men. for men competition comes naturally. its stressful at times, but all in all we cope well with it. women on the other hand have to completely repress their natural instincts. in essence, they have to "become" men.

whats hilarious is that you know who trashes women the most in the corporate world? other women! i sh*t you not. at least 85% of women that i come across in my job trash their women colleagues for - getting by on their looks, not being a team player, making decisions based on emotion instead of logic, etc.

its crazy!

anyway, i've come to the conclusion that being a good person is not easy, male or female. its just not in this world. its much easier to just go with teh flow, tell people what they want to hear, kiss ass and bully people as the situation calls, etc. most men are this way, most women are this way.

so for those who choose the harder path, its important to remember, no matter how hard the path may be, that if you choose the other path then any hope or chance you might have at things like a truly mature and caring relationship are nil.

theres the saying "most people lead lives of quiet desperation". I think that's very very true.

sorry to hear about your uneventful singles event. you know, just a suggestion here, ever thought of changing your goal. instead of looking for chics to lay, maybe look for chics to be friends with instead?

i've found that when im just looking at chics as a potential friend that suddenly they are the ones chasing me.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Joe, that's how I'm treating these girls, like friends. Acting like a friend feels good right now. I'm not putting on the moves like in the old days. I'm not comfortable going about things this way. But I am trying to meet as many as possible to put them in the pipeline.

Damn, I had a sex dream of the ex last night. The sex was mind blowing. I woke up p1ssed off. This morning I feel like I took a step back because of a dream, something that just happened. Sh1t!

I went on my date last night. I wasn't suffering at all like my date earlier in the week. It was good.

The girl is a 21-year-old Japanese girl(I know...I know...too young). We had a lot of fun. I didn't know, and couldn't tell, but she's a magazine model in Tokyo. She's pretty, but I don't know what a hot-looking Asian woman looks like, even though I live in DC. I've always liked and paid attention to blonds. She qualified herself a bunch, which was nice to hear, but there were a few red flags. I don't think I'll ask her out again. If she wants to take me out, she can.

It sucked because while we were bowling last night, there was a Britney Spears look-a-like in the lane right next to us. I wanted to slip her my card while my date wasn't looking. But who calls back just from a business card? And I would seriously shoot myself in the foot if my date saw it.

The Polish girl called mid-date last night, 9:30 on a Saturday night. What's up with that? Happy I put my phone on 'silent'. Anyway, she cancelled this afternoon. I figured.

This is all of the BS I didn't miss when I was in a relationship. Sure the ex had her emotional swings. But I was dealing with one woman's emotions. Now I'm dealing with a whole mess of them. And I've got my own issues to deal with.

 

[decades]

trim, a thought

turn things upside down for a while...here you were with what sounded like a very pretty japanese magazine model with high interest level and you were lukewarm to her. Yet a "Britney Spears" look a like got your attention big time.

Pay attention to that. Just observe it. You have a definite type. That "type" got you into trouble last time. No, I am not saying all good looking blondes are going to be like your last one. But think about what you are attracted to and why. Is she flirty? Sexy? A little outrageous? Is she kind of a tease? Does she have some histrionic tendencies? These kind of women, albeit very very appealing, are going to be appealing to every cad out there, and they know it! That's potential trouble down the road.

Yes someone is going to get that HB9 as his mate. But maybe, after a few great rolls in the hay, this someone will have his hands full with her too.

The point is...why not try an experiment? Give the ones (japanese model) you normally are so so about a shot. As for the ones who normally catch your eye? Try to leave to the next "sucker." At least for the duration of this little experiment.

This might open your eyes some about your choices and give you a chance to learn about yourself and the patterns and habits we develop. There is really no rush to find the future Ms. Blonde TrimReaper. ;-)

regards

 

[joekerr31]

persistent makes a great point.

for some reason many of us are attracted to the people who are worst for us. meanwhile the great sweet girl comes along, but she doesn't spark that emotion in us.

i think a lot of guys are attracted to women they can't get. just like women are attracted to guys they can't get.

it's the whole 'im going to get her and show them" - them being the idea that someone is out of reach.

i've been victim to this myself many times.

sometimes we are so quick to lay a chic that we miss some of the best ones for us because they don't make us drool right away.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

That's what I was trying to avoid with this last woman. I went out with tons of women before I met her. Some of them, I couldn't stand! Some, I liked. Some, I f*cked. And they weren't all blond. Some had light brown hair, brown hair, some black hair, a girl with pink hair(pain in the azz). Hell, I even went out with an African girl to see what it would be like.

But the ex was the one I thought was the best. The best woman I had ever been with. I knew it quickly. The other girls stopped getting called in two weeks. Sh1t. I don't know what it was. She wasn't the hottest one. But I don't know if it was her looks(blond and blue) that changed the whole relationship dynamic for me. That is I might have behaved more appropriately because I was so attracted. I just don't know. That's a hard judgment to make.

I must say, in hindsight, the girlfriend I had before the ex was probably better for me. But guess what! I dumped her after six months. That was in 2001. She was Italian, but she grew up in Peru(good for Spanish practice). Nice looking. Big knockers and Latin spread. Good girl. Trustworthy. Intelligent. Crazy thing is that she emailed me every birthday and Christmas up until this past one. She was still trying! The ex hated hearing about that so much!!!

I dumped her because I was bored. The ex was so much more interesting to me. The Italian girl gave me unconditional love though. When I was with her, I was still competing professionally, and I was dirt poor. She didn't give a sh1t. She was happy to go out for a slice of pizza and walk around. But, as you know, the ex was the same way for a while, but totally changed.

I just don't know with these ladies. I just don't know about myself. That's what I need to address with my therapist. I need to find out what it really is that I'm looking for. I know there are patterns to the people I have chosen to be with. I'm so concerned I will repeat them and wind up with another woman who fakes her love for me and wastes my, and her, time.

 

[joekerr31]

Trim,

well, right now you just got to remind yourself that life is bigger than any one woman.

this is what dooms relationships, the fact that people NEED them so badly.

then when they get them, given enough time, people realize that someone else isnt the answer to all their problems.

thats usually when one party heads south.

with your gf, she probably realized that you weren't the answer to her problems. but instead of realize that NO ONE externally is the answer to her problems, she just moved on to another guy, HOPING that he would be the answer.

but he wont be, as your therapists have said. she's doomed to keep making the same mistakes over and over.

because she's still stuck in that thinking that someone else is going to fix her life and make her feel good about herself. but that never ever happens.

sure, its easy to find some female who just wants a man to make her feel better. they are everywhere. and that can and often does work for months and sometimes years. heck, sometimes it leads to marriage. but the day always comes where the endorphines wear off and your significant other no longer provides you with the "high" that lets you forget your problems.

thats when you see divorce.

im telling ya, if it weren't for people having kids, i think the divorce rate would be something more like 95%.

luckily for most by the time the high wears off and their problems come back and they h ave to live with them on a daily basis, they've also had kids, and now just lose themselves in their kids. or accept that 'ya, my life aint so hot, but im trapped now and i may as well just live with it"

what all these people are missing is that someone else cannot be the SOURCE of your happiness and self confidence. they can add to your happiness, as well as subtract, but they can't be the source.

so right now you're in a great place buddy. you're finding your source.
it will come and when it does you'll be in a position to find a woman who has found her source also. that's when magic happens.

J

 

[Ricky]

This thread is awesome.

One thing I'm realizing in my journey is that my ego is too involved in things, that and the internal critic that can create doubt.

Anymore I realize that I want to do my best, but I won't hold back what I think or what I say to please anybody but myself. I also must not be afraid of failure. The ego is afraid of failure and the internal critic will criticize itself when failure happens.

But life is a learning experience. We have it so good, if we could just realize it.

There are so many people on here that are frustrated. It's understandable, but maybe it's our expectation however unrealistic that other people should play by the higher set of values we seek on this journey that is the source of the frustration.

For instance, my ex is not as adventurous as me. While it was initially her suggestion for her to move here to be with me, i should have known she couldn't follow through. But maybe I was expecting more out of her than she is capable of at this point. Some people can't leave their comfort zones. She might one day or she might never.

In the end we are responsible for our own happiness. This resounds true in this thread. While it would be great to have someone along for the ride, they too are responsible for their happiness.

I want to find a woman that is interested in self development and spirituality as I am. Not one that is more concerned about other peoples lives (like Hollywood gossip). I can't believe a 31 year old woman still cares about that stuff, but believe me there are plenty of girls out there that have to watch all the TV and movies instead of working to improve their lives.

 

[joekerr31]

ricky,

you are a testament to self enlightenment.

and the reason self enlightenment is so hard and so painful is that few are on that path.

like you say, people just can't leave their comfort zones. they can't let go of the idea that its "things" or "people" that will make them happy. its a result of our capitalistic way of life. we are motivated by consumption. as though if we can get that car, get that woman, THEN we will be happy.

the truth is we are each individually responsible for our own happiness. which comes down to loving yourself and dealing with life's problems in an emotional and rational way.

one of the HUGE problems we face today is that people have too many options - we have it TOO good.

in the old days you took what you could get and you made it work. through the good times nad bad, you never gave up on what you had committed yourself to.

now we all live long lives compared to any other period in history. we have water at the click of a tap handle. we have heat at the flick of a switch. we can go anywhere by getting in our cars. we can numb our pains with tv, booze, relationships, etc.

at no other time in history has your average man/woman had soooo many options.

its really quite sad when you see women complaining about how kept down they are. they have more liberties nad freedom than any other period in history. and the same goes for men.

for those of us in our 30s and 40s, in many periods of history we'd be dead or dying. we'd have rotten teeth, smelly armpits and dirty clothes.

what they say is true, if you have your health, a roof over your head, and couple of good friends, you really are a rich man - IF you can see it.

i agree, this thread has been enjoyable. i think its been a discussion on the fact that happiness truly is a state of mind. and we all have a choice as to whether we want to see bad things as bad, or whether we want to see them as surprises that occurred within the context of a truly blessed life.

im still growing, but i can say ive come a LONG way since i was 20.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

As if it wasn't going to get any worse, I lost my job today.

No, this is not a joke.

I'm a teacher at a school that has month-long sessions and this month enrollment was down. I am third in the list in seniority at this place. I have been there for four years. I'm respected and often turned to by my peers. I was even sent to train for some new programs so I could come back and teach the other teachers this year.

But the new director didn't really consider this when she knew enrollment was going to be low this month. Today, I was sitting at home, while people who had been teaching there for three months were working. When I asked her what she was going to do, she replied that I should teach night classes there, which end at 10pm. I have never taught them, and there is no reason for me to start.

She refused to rearrange the schedule for a loyal employee. She only wanted me to adjust my schedule, which I have never been asked to do. I have always been accommodated there and I can't believe this has happened now.

I am trying to change careers. I should have been able to finish my last exam for my new career a few weeks ago, but I just wasn't able to concentrate on my studies. Now, I have no choice. My back is against the wall.

Now I've lost the job the ex thought wasn't good enough. I'm not doing too well today. Been crying.

On the girl side, I was supposed to have a date tonight, but she called last night and cancelled.

I'm going to go out and plug away at Salsa class with Fabio. Not much else to do right now.

Later

 

[joekerr31]

trim,

damn man, thats a tough break.

i hate to say this, becuase its going to sound like bullsh*t, but perhaps life is up to something here.

perhaps you are meant to be with a different woman and have a different job. and perhaps its pushing you in that direction for a reason.

not much comfort i know. but on the bright side, you've survived 34 years, youll survive another 34.

so there is hope.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Yeah, I think you are right Joe. It just doesn't seem right for all of this to happen so close together after cruising for so many years.

A friend of mine called me tonight after I posted and was surprised to hear what had happened. Anyway, he told me there are some assistant positions at his work, a well-known consulting firm. And he's going to see if he can get me in there.

It sounds good to me right now. I'm getting into the other career soon, but for now, I need some work. I'm low on money and I've got bills to pay, so I hope he can help me out here.

If this happens, and I swear this is true, it'll be the first time I haven't had to cold call an employer for a job. Honestly, I have never had someone who knew someone or anything like that to get my foot in the door. Sucks. I wish I were better at networking and had a more impressive college degree.

But there is nothing else I can do now but focus on now. Yeah, I'm totally messed up mentally right now. But I have to survive. I don't have a career or a family...things I set out to pursue years ago, which is probably a good thing. What would I do?

So I have to do my best right now. The job is something I can do something about. Women are a totally different story.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I guess it was the stress from the job stuff yesterday, but today I was really missing the ex. I was thinking about her. I know it's terrible. I knew it was terrible when I was doing it. When it was happening, I was trying to divert my attention to something else. But it wasn't working.

On a somewhat better note, I did actually get a class for the month. So I will be back to work tomorrow. The director was super nice to me today, by the way.

Also, my friend set up an interview for the job I discussed yesterday. It isn't a great job. But it'll get my foot in the door with a major company. I'm going to go there if I get the job, so I'll leave my teaching position. If I like that job, I may stay there and apply for better "career" positions, but I don't know. The one thing I know for sure is that I'm tired of being where I am right now.

Yesterday was extremely painful. It's hard to describe what I go through when I start suffering. When I was thinking about the ex today, I felt like there was a hole where my stomach was. It felt like nothing was there, and my lungs felt like they were gone too, like I couldn't breathe.

This evening, when I saw my parents, I knew that I loved them. But when I saw them, I still only felt pain. It's like there is this wall that is between the emotions I'm feeling and the emotions that are coming from them to make me feel good. The same thing is even applying to my dog. I love him 100%, but when I pet him, I just don't get pleasure out of it.

Now get this straight. I'm not a d1ck. I'm fully capable of giving and recieving love. But my system is just not working. Can you imagine what that feels like? There just isn't any pleasure.

And that's what all of this is about, pleasure. I'm not feeling any pleasure no matter what I do. I do the things I love, and I don't feel any pleasure. I can feel pain. I can get to where I feel numb, but that's where I'm stopping.

So that's the internal stuff. My social life has been alright. And that's another thing that should be making me happy.

Last night, Fabio and I hit the club. I talked to some nice looking ladies. I made it a point not to number close. Most of the people where we went are regulars, so we are going to make it a regular thing and get some social proof first.

Fabio dropped the ball once though. There was an older woman, around his age, but still sexy. I tried to get him to approach, but he worked himself up for like fifteen minutes before he approached. His approach went like this:

Fabio-------------------> Woman------------------> Door

No kidding. After he got all nervous, he made his approach right as she left the club.

I talked to some girls. But didn't hit on anyone. I definitely wanted to, but I stuck to the plan.

Today, I saw my friend about the new job. As I was driving home, I swung by the bookstore....the same one where I met the ex. As I was sitting, a cutey sat down at the next table. I initiated and chatted her up for like an hour. We had a lot in common. There was good eye contact (I held it just bit too long). She picked up the convo when I intentionally stalled (IL test). And she even made some statements that qualified me. So I was surprised when I tried to number close and she put up a fight. (Maybe a boyfriend problem or something) I got her email, but that's not good enough.

I guess I'll send an email and see if she wants to meet up again. This is what I was talking about before: I should be happy I met a new and interesting(maybe even fascinating) person, but I just don't feel any pleasure.

Tomorrow will be my nexy therapist session. I'm trying to think of the biggest things I have to work on with her, but it's overwhelming to think about now. I'm all tied up. I need more than an hour a week with her.

 

[John303]

Yes this is a great thread and very good advice is given. Unfortunately there is no "Easy Button" for a breakup recovery. You just have to go through the phases of recovery, listed below. Don't be discouraged if you progress and then take a step backwards. As long as you are trending towards recovery, then you are doing okay.

The stages of recovery (and you can be stuck in one stage then move on to the next then jump back to the first stage, etc......).

1. Anger - you broke up and you're pissed and mad. Screw them.
2. Shock - relationship ends, you're in disbelief think maybe in a week they'll call and everything will be ok again. Did we really end it this time?
3. Fear - "Oh no! - did we really break up for good?" It's been a few weeks and you haven't heard from them you do a 360 and start wondering what the ex is doing - why hasn't he/she called by now?
4. Obsession - what are they doing, where are they, how could they end it or (if you ended it) - is this the right thing? What if I screwed up? What if no one else loves me or comes along. You go into fatal attraction mode obsessing and thinking way too much. Everything reminds you of your ex.
5. You suddenly want back what you had. This is the danger zone here - you might suddenly call them, want to send emails or letters, etc. You can lose your marbles during this particular stage and think you'll do anything to get them back. This is where you have to stop yourself at all costs. This stage is the longest......you hate them-it's over, you miss them more than life and want them back - you yo-yo and obsess and drive yourself bonkers.
6. Light at the end of the tunnel. After stage 5 and 5-6 months has passed you suddenly start laughing again and then catch yourself going for more than an hour without thinking about your ex.
7. You no longer have obsessive desires to contact your ex - you actually start thinking "What the hell did I ever see in them?". You start feeling better and your friends welcome you back to reality.
8. You know if you ran into your ex you wouldn't shake at the knees and become irrational - you'd either avoid them or say "Hi, I'd love to chat but I've gotta be somewhere in five minutes - SEE YA!".
9. You can go out for margaritas and enjoy looking at the opposite sex!
10. You can look back at photos of your ex and not think twice - instead you pack up their memories, store them away and think of other things you need to do instead of sit crying over them.

 

[joekerr31]

great post john.

id also like to add an idea.

many people go into relationships broken, so is it any surprise they come out of them broken?

and really its not so much the person you want back, but rather the escape from yoru problems.

this is why so many relationships are doomed from the start, because both parties are in this sad dance of mutual codependence.

now some will say - ya, but all relationships are codependent to some degree or another.

as ive gotten older i gotta say i dont believe that HAS to be the case. i do believe that you can see someoen as an addition to your happiness, not the source. i also think that you can reach a state of self contentment that you really don't get a LOT of extra contentment from someone else - RATHER, you simply enjoy sharing your contentment with that other person.

its IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy first. because you'll always, even if subconsciously, be playing power games with your significant other. manipulation, control, flattery, blame, judgement, etc., these are the staples of most relationships today.

its quite sad really.

I think most divorces are a good thing. it gives people a chance to grow up and become independent mature adults. then and only then is there any hope of having a truly blissful relationship.

so Trim, in time I'm confident that this is going to work in your favor. i've said it before, but ill say it again, while you grow from this, she will remain trapped in her pattern of stagnation.

things will work out buddy, just keep getting up every morning and trying to make the day a good one.

J