Banging my head....

[John303]

Originally posted by joekerr31

its IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy first. because you'll always, even if subconsciously, be playing power games with your significant other. manipulation, control, flattery, blame, judgement, etc., these are the staples of most relationships today.

I agree. It was the staple of my recent ex. Now that the smoke has cleared from the breakup, take the time to look at yourself and make changes for the better. I got caught up, like most do, in the obsession phase. And I've also realized why I was in a funk of attracting the same types of toxic relationships. When you're alone you can figure this out. If you rebound right way, you won't. You'll fill a void but you will find yourself doing the same thing again when the rebound fails. If you spend too much time wondering what you ex is doing or whom she might be with, you'll stay in the quicksand that you are creating for a long time.

Hang in there Trim.

John

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Well, I know both people have to be healthy when they enter a relationship. I was doing very well when I met her. I was totally happy and fine without her. I hadn't had a serious relationship for years and was ingesting and using tons of self help information. But then she sugar and spiced me for the longest time, and got me to bite.

It felt like she came into my life, took my energy for herself, and went on with it. In the end, she was the one who kept saying, "I'm not happy" while I was feeling good. So she leaves and I go down.

I can't believe it turned out that she dumped me. I do need to find out what happened and why it didn't work, but the work I'm doing with my therapist is one sided. It would be great if the ex could give the therapist her views, but she's probably busy recycling the same love letters she wrote to me for Adam. (I recently found some old ones she had written to me, unfortunately.) And also keeping herself busy carrying her baggage into that relationship.

My life went from being happy being alone to falling apart. And I didn't want this. I tried and tried to be my own person throughout the relationship. I did the things I wanted. I gave her the affection I wanted to. I tried to be a great partner, in both of our terms, but that wasn't enough.

John, your illustration of the quicksand couldn't describe my situation better. But I think I know why I'm doing it. You see, I went from feeling like I was expected to give, and giving 100% to this woman(love, affection, sympathy...) to finding out I couldn't anymore.

It's a strange thing. Imagine if someone told you, "Alright, you can't love or talk to your mom anymore, even though you know she lives down the street." To make it worse, imagine if you couldn't talk to or love her anymore and she replaced you with another son!

Where I am right now is so freakin' scary. I feel alone. Like I will be this way forever. I'm grieving over her still. I do still miss her. And the holiday season is kicking off. It's going to be a hard one.

But here is what is important. You see, I'm dwelling on lies. I'm thinking about moments I attached value to. But the reality was that they weren't valuable because she wasn't committed. She took a trip to Italy and didn't tell me much more than how she punched some girl. I'm assuming now that she hooked up because her trip lacked details. I know for a fact she was talking to Adam here after that, and there's some more I haven't and won't share here. So she couldn't be committed in the relationship, and that's worthless.

So I'm tearing myself up over things that don't really matter. To me, the loving moments were special, but now I know they weren't. I'm reliving them like they were special, and I know I shouldn't do that.

I had my therapy session tonight. She said that she's concerned I'm subconsciously choosing to be with women that cause problems, due to my childhood issues. I'm concerned for a number of reasons, of course. The ex didn't cause problems for a long time. She was perfect to me for a year. But I did stick out her bullsh1t when it started. I dumped the girl that was probably better for me(the Italian Peruvian). Maybe because things were too peaceful?

Persistant said something earlier in the thread and that was that I was attracted to a definite type. And now I have my therapist saying it, too. It's got me concerned. It's got me wanting to chose somebody who bores me!!!

I hit on yet another girl at the bookstore tonight after I picked up my therapist-assigned books. I should have figured she was traveling by all of the bags at her feet. But it gave me a great line. I intro'd about the weather tonight, with a total "I'm hitting on you tone"(I felt so giggity giggity giggity). Then I said "So it looks like you come with a lot of baggage." That got her laughing. I then found out she was from out of town, so I stopped the chat. I probably should have kept going and gotten some vacation sex, although I'm afraid that deep down I'm looking for a rebounder.

I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with me out chasing chicks. At this point, I don't think it's hurting me. It's probably for the best because I need to be meeting people regardless. And by the time I'm back in the game, and able to feel happiness, maybe I will have found the elusive Mrs. Reaper. I hope to be able to share that with you guys someday.

 

[John303]

Trim,

Try not to worry too much about finding the next relationship and have fun. That was a great line you used on the woman in the bookstore. In the meantime learn why you are attracting these kinds of women. Next time you're at the bookstore, pickup a copy of "In The Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. I learned a tremendous amount from this book. And it's perfect for reading just after a breakup to find yourself again.

Have you researched personality disorders yet? It sounds like your ex is either Borderline or Narcissistic or perhaps a combination. That helped me understand why my ex (a Narcissist) acted the way she did. However, at some point you will need to just accept them for who they are and realize that you are better off without them. You most certainly can't fix them and the chances of them getting help and correcting their issues are very, very slim.

What amazes me is how one person can get under your skin so much and screw with your head. My life was good before I met my ex and I am no different now after as well. It's amazing how our psyche lets one person screw us up like this. Time will rearrange your memory and thus heal you.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Thanksgiving. Yet another thing that kicked me into anxiety and panic. I've spent the whole day with my family, drunk beer with my mom, corresponded with a depression hotline, and thought myself into the ground.

We always see the "AFC suicide" posts on here. Now I know why so many people off themselves at this time of the year, especially over a breakup. You think about all of the other years and how that had become your life. Then you see your life is different and you miss what you had. You can't think about now. You can only think about the past. And when you think about the future, you almost sh1t yourself. No matter what you do, there is pain. And it's nothing less than medical-grade fear.

I had that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach all day today. The beers seemed to help get rid of it, so I think I'll join my mom, who I am thankful isn't sick anymore, and drink a couple. That's the highlight of this holiday: my mom isn't sick anymore. Last year, she was so sick, she was on the couch the whole time the ex and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner.

John, a therapist I saw before thought that the ex was Borderline, which I've talked about in this thread. I don't know enough about Narcissistic behavior though. Something was definitely wrong for her to turn her back on the relationship though, and that's what is making my mind go round and round. I'm in analysis paralysis.

Also, she turned her back not only on me, but also on my family. Like I said, we made dinner for my family last year. They loved her like a daughter, and always imagined that she would bring them grandkids. They feel the loss, too.

I think the reason she got so under my skin was that we we lived together for so long, were so close, and even were engaged. I thought we would be married before the year was over. And it just ended...in a really brutal way, too.

The depression started when my mom got sick last year. And I'll admit I wasn't the most entertaining mate a person could have, but I wasn't negative or even boring for that matter. The ex couldn't trust in who I had been for so long and got selfish. Life is going to be hard, and it tested us. We failed together.

The way I look at it, it's better now than later I guess. I'm scared. But it's better than to be scared at 34 than 35...36...37...

Time to go drink some beer.

 

[joekerr31]

Trim,

dont take this the wrong way man, you knwo im rooting for you.... but she aint the problem.

the problem right nwo is that you have a serious issue accepting reality.

she's nuts. you're better off. the only reason you aren't better off is because you truly beleive that you aren't better off.

that's basically what it comes down to.

and feeling better off has NOTHING to do with her, but rather EVERYTHING to do about how you feel about yourself and your life.

and the reason you can't look forward is because you keep looking backwards. you keep focusing on her.

every time you feel bad, you think of her. which then creates a cycle of everytime you think of her you feel bad.
and given that you think about her so much you feel bad a lot.

its time to hit the wayne dyer materials heavy and hard.

you are in a state of deprssion that aint lifting.

and i know you feel chasing women aint a bad thing righ tnow. but i respectfully disagree.

right now i sense that you are desperately trying to find something to ease the pain. but nothing externally is going to do that. no woman. not booze. no job. etc.

you need to regain your sense of intrinsic self value and positive outlook on the future and life as a whole.

right now she's not hurting you any longer, right not you are hurting you.

it would be one thing if she was the dream girl that you let get away (but even then id still say life has lots to offer, go out and find another dream girl). But this is a woman with a Personality disorder who once punched another woman int eh face for looking at her the wrong way.

im sorry dude, but to be upset over losing such a ch*tty woman is crazy.

the truth is your upset because you don't value yourself enough to believe that YOU deserver better. On some level you think that she's the best you could have ever done. and this b*tch turned her back on you - what does that say about you? this is the crap your thinking.

you really need to find your inner sense of self love, self respect and self value.

Your therapy sessions are about her, you're chasing women to replace her, etc.

you need to really stop focusing on her and make TRIM the focus of your therapy sessions.

i say this because i want to see you feeling better. the problem is not external, its internal. its how you think of yourself, and how you think of the life events that happen to you.

are they unfortunate? yes.

are they the end of the world? no.
are they horrible disasters? no.

there are kids starving to death with AIDS in africa. that's horrible.

you have a job again. you have your health. your have water any time you want it.

the only thing horrible about your life right now is that you judge it to be horrible. that starving kid in africa with aids would do anythign to have your life right now.

refocus man. stop chasing women for a bit so that you have time to cope with the pain you are causing yourself.

J

 

[Dorian]

Trim,

Think John303 is probably on the money. I was married to the daughter of guy with narcissistic PD. Borderline PD is a bit more fragmented than that, but any self esteem they have is relatively unstable. I'm pretty damn certain my ex has Borderline PD. The main thing is, if they recognise any chink in your armour, they will suck you in an try and make you co-dependent with them: they are terrified of responsibility, but crave control. If they can project the blame for things that they are in reality responsible for, they will do it - at your cost, no problem. Then when you crawl for forgiveness (for what you didn't do!), they will give it whilst extracting more control from the episode.

Now, they don't necessarily know they are doing this, so they aren't necessarily the devil personified (although I thought mine was when separating!), you just have to draw your boundaries really concretely- in your case, since you haven't got kids its easy: stay the hell away from her! The problem with these borderline PD is, they have an incredibly poor prognosis: the pain in fronting up to their maladaptive behaviour is usually way too much for them to enter or maintain therapy. She deserves your (LONG DISTANCE) sympathy - and yeah, you deserve a life that's healthier than being with her.

Taking time out to process all the **** you've gone thru would be a good thing - maybe some meditation, etc.

What Joe says is golden... take it all on board

All the best.

 

[decades]

Trim,

I exited a relationship with someone who I think had a least a few of the symptoms a personality disordered person has. And it is not like leaving just any relationship.

Please Please refrain from chasing women right now. There is plenty of time for that when you are in a stronger place. We have to stop the production of more "bad" karma Trim. This is a fancy way of saying that women right now will most likely consume your vital healing energy rather than add to it.

I believe you wanting contact with other women has to do with "needing" to be validated after the rejection you experienced. You have to let yourself feel the pain and get through the pain. It is a process that you must go through. Be alone and feel that you can do it. You can be happy ALONE once you learn how. You will also learn that this rejection (rejection is a mind game we play with our egos) was a blessing and one you will eventually be thankful for.

As I let myself feel all of my feelings, I realized it has turned out to be a great thing for me. However, I first decided to spend all the time focused on me, and trying to understand me and what my responsibility in all I went through is. You Will learn it is total.

Take responsibility. You can turn this into a positive, but you have to let go of the notion that a new girl, or Anything external, is your answer. The same applies for dulling your pain with beer or other substances.

I read self help books, I investigated alternative spiritual paths, meditation, and began a practice. I exercised like a mad man initially. I went to bed very early and rose very early. I stopped criticizing, condemning, and complaining (tips from one of the books I read). All of this helped me tremendously. And focusing on yourself and your personal growth will help you too.

I don't even look at attractive women on the street any more. Why bother? Are they going to go home with me, deciding that picking up their dry cleaning is not so important as giving me a blow job? I am focused on getting to where I am going in a positive self assured way.

The point is now is the time for major changes and learning to take place. But you have to face you and that's what I think you might be avoiding.

Most every one of us will be negatively touched by one of these troubled people. That's because while their numbers are small in society, they go through relationships like we go through NIKEs...so they will get to each and every one of us over a lifetime.

But this breakup has turned out to be a gift for me because it put me, and abruptly so, on a better path in life. One that I absolutely needed to get back on. And now, after about four months apart, I am thankful for getting on this roller coaster ride because I am a better person for it, and am now on course to keep improving, and at faster rates.

If I was still in this relationship, I would not have grown, and my future growth as a person would be in peril because these people consume all of your available energy and don't leave any left for you to assemble the kind of person you can be in life. I would also be 40lbs heavier!

That's why its so important to recognize what exactly this relationship ending means to you in the entire context of your life, and understand that it was never going to take you where you imagine it would have...that is to a happy fulfilled place where you are at your best to give back to the world.

Try and face the pain during this terrible hardship, and go through the process of ridding yourself of it. You Will emerge on the other side. It s best not to try covering the pain and pushing it deeper inside of you by focusing on other women, at least for the moment. This event happened so you could learn about Yourself. Its best to Use it.

kind regards

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
It's a strange thing. Imagine if someone told you, "Alright, you can't love or talk to your mom anymore, even though you know she lives down the street." To make it worse, imagine if you couldn't talk to or love her anymore and she replaced you with another son!

This is the excact point I use when I try to describe the way i feel to friends and family. It's like a part of you is there one day and gone the next. I still don't think people realize the pain you go through unless they go actually have the same thing happen to them. But I was telling somebody the other day that I wouldn't want to wish this feeling on anybody!! But on the other hand I am starting to feel like a new person (with alot tougher skin). It's been about 3 months now for me and I am starting to feel my inner-self coming back. I was like you Trim, for the first 2 months, trying to find answers by getting with another girl but it's weird, now I really am not looking for another mate. I felt like I was trying to hard to find somebody, maybe hopefully thinking it would ease my pain. Even my best friend noticed the way I was acting and told me to quit trying so hard and to focus more on what "I" could do to make myself happier.

I think we focus too much on a quick fix to ease our pain which i see now is wrong because we don't learn anything and find ourself back in the same sh!t as quickly as we got out of it. If you feel better for just 1 day, which I think you have already Trim, just think of that as a "sign" of the healing process. Kinda like a pathway opening that leads you though and eventually out the other side. In some cases the pathway may be longer but each day you feel better is like taking another step out the other side. And when you start to feel depressed and sad just imagine yourself getting back on that path and knowing that it leads to happiness. Just think of it like a board game where you keep moving along until you reach the end and your movement is determined by your "feel-good dice".

Yesterday I had my parents and sister over and I cooked for them and everytime I thought of the ex I quickly thought how lucky I was to be sitting with my mom and dad(at my age!) and being able to have what I have. Like Joekerr said there are alot of people in this world that have nothing and would do anything to be sitting down with family members and eating a great meal. You must focus on this especially during the holidays. Believe me , I know. Last year at this time of year I was going through a divorce and now this year going through a break-up. But now looking back I think I was looking for a quick fix to my divorce and jumped into another relationship before completely healing and I think she sensed that because she told me that she felt like I was a "wounded soul".

I think life is just a giant maze of pathways. Sometimes you take the wrong path and you it takes you a while to get back on the right one. Some people are better at getting through than others, where as some are not. When you do take the wrong path you just have to realize that there "IS" a way out and to not give up!!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Thanks for all of your advice gentlemen. I want to move on. I really do. The pain that I feel is unbearable at times though.

I had to leave the table midway through dinner last night.

Rob understands exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe the ex had a long time to get over me while she was still with me. But I didn't have that chance.

Now I'm still struggling, but intellectually, I know I want to feel better.

It's like there are two phases. You get dumped, and then you are supposed to turn your love off for that person. After, and if, you are able to do that, then you can get on with helping yourself.

My buddy Fabio got divorced six years ago. I asked him how long it took him to get over it, and he said he still hasn't. And he feels like he never will. That's a scary thought.

The best thing for me right now would be to do the things that I want to do. And I am doing them, but they do not make me feel any better. I talked about "the wall" in an earlier post.

I still fall into the "why did she do it" mentality sometimes still. And at night, I still wake up and panic sometimes. My sleep is a little better. Some nights I'll sleep 5 or 6 hours. But now I would describe my typical state, omitting yesterday, as nervous with a little panic as opposed to panic with a little nervousness like the first six weeks.

I wish I had been able to get some kind of medication throughout all of this. I really think it would have helped my quality of life these past two months. I didn't see that psychiatrist because I didn't want to pay out of pocket. But how much is your sanity and happiness worth, you know. I really needed it yesterday, and I'm still concerned about Christmas.

You guys are telling me not to jump into anything with the ladies, and I can see where you are coming from. I just don't want to be alone. I want friends. I love women. And I want them around me to be honest. I don't know if it's for validation, maybe it is, but I feel like having them around. The way I see it, if it makes me feel the slightest bit better, then it's worth it. It doesn't have to be a LTR or anything, just having them talk to me feels pretty good.

And the BPD comments Dorian made are relevant. The ex would try to get control and hold things over my head. Even at the end, she brought up how I didn't do this relatively insignificant thing or that, and that's why it was over. She even brought up something that happened the first time I bedded her! She was breaking out all of the artillery!

Understanding all of the energy I put into this and looking back on all of the good times we had really hurts me. I can remember all of that stuff, put it together and see it was an epic relationship. I know she can't. That hurts me deeply.

 

[joekerr31]

trim

had a thought that might help you.

if you went to disney land or one of those theme parks and wanted to go on the dumbo merry go round and that was your idea of fun BUT then you got dragged into the house of horrors right you'd be in the situation you current are.

you'd get on the ride, not wanting to in the first place, then it would scare the crap out of you. before you'd know it 1/4 of hte wya into the ride you'd be screaming "let me out let me out stop the ride stop stop stop" and the rest of the ride would be an absolute horror.

but for everyone else on the ride, its just good fun.

here's the thing, YOU WILL NOT DIE from some b*tch leaving you.

yes, it's not going to be the merry go round. instead you're on the horror ride.

so what? the horror ride can be fun once you realize that you are perfectly safe, nothing actually bad is going to happen to you and that its only going to last for a certain amount of time.

the journey of self discovery is initially quite scary. many of us have been through it. the unknown and uncertainty of life when you lose what grounded you.

but since you are on the ride now, why not have fun with it. its not the ride you sign up for, but by the time its over, who knows, maybe youll be happy as can be that you didnt go on the merry go round.

when life is all up in the air and i start to worry about all the horrible possible outcomes to a situation, that's usually when i convince myself to relax, (for me) trust in God, and know that its all jsut part of the ride, and that everything is going to turn out just fine.

I'm not going to die from the various surprises life throws at me. well, one day when im an old man i will, but i've still got 50-70 more years of enjoying the ride, whatever it may be

hope things are getting better with you and i hope this bit of paradigm shift helps a bit.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Thanks for the help Joe,

This weekend has been a really tough one. I just hope that it was the last steep-part of the hill before the downhill. It was unbelievably difficult. I'm happy to be able to write this post.

Indeed, a woman leaving you, in and of itself, isn't going to kill you. But it's your coping ability that's going to come into play when that happens. If it's not strong enough, you have to get help because the pain can be unbearable. If that's not enough, you need some sedation. If that's not enough, you'd better hope you are committed. I can honestly say that throughout all of this, there have been times when I needed all three.

Tomorrow, I'm going to get my long-term injury looked at. I should have done this more than a year ago, but it's a long story. If I can describe it succinctly, I have had pain in my hip area for a year and a half. It hurts all the time, so I'll be happy to get that taken care of.

When that's all finished, and I'm not sure how long that will be, I'll be able to get back to real exercise. I'm sure that'll do wonders for my mental health.

By the way, I understand that my general practitioner can prescribe medication. As you might know, I'm suffering from anxiety, panic, and sleeplessness. What are the things he might recommend? I don't want anything that I might get hooked on or anything that might mess up my sex drive.

I think I know how to deal with the sleep thing now. What I did last night was go to sleep, then wake up after my normal 5 hours or so. Then I took a sleep aid. I went back to sleep for around another 3 hours and feel pretty good today.

Well, I'm going to go to the bookstore and get to studying. I want to take that test I've been putting off. I hope to take it this week.

I'm trying to face the fears I'm having and use them to motivate myself to get better. I think I've been standing there, seeing them, and screaming....doing nothing. Well, I've got to do what I can, or nothing will change. I don't know where to start because I don't know what to do. It's overwhelming but what are the alternatives?

 

[Ricky]

I recommend doing altered states writing immediately (courtesy of John Cliff, Master Seducers Handbook) but also an NLP deal.

Start with

"I'm feeling better as the holidays approach and the start of the new year is available. I find my confidence returning, my ability to sleep improved and my relationships with friends very empowering. Attractive women continue to be attracted to my presence and smile as I converse with them. I know I will have my pick of them and can take my time to screen them for who i wish to spend time with. If I want sex, it is readily available to me, but it is not my prime focus.

My career is going great as I focus on the important goals all the time when I am at work. I work the entire time at work unlike people around me who socialize. They are fun, but maybe not as serious and result driven as me. I am enjoying increased success.

I have time to pursue my hobbies and my passion. These are very attractive to everyone around me. My ex has regained her attraction to me but I keep her at a distance because I've found a girl equivalent to her or better and I continue to screen many women. It is very empowering to know that I could have her back but I choose to find someone like her or better.

I am eating well and starting to exercise again. I have taken care of these nagging injuries and are ready to feel the great feelings I get from pursuing exercise, my hobbies and living a passionate life.

"

Do something like this. I just wrote that quickly without editing it, but it is important to to do it that way and not censor it. Try it every day, reread it, visualize it , feel it and embrace the great things it brings!

 

[joekerr31]

Trim,

also try to remember that life is f*cked up man. don't trash your inner sense of self worth because of it.

I'm in a big picture type of mood today and you know what's been going through my mind ....

most people are totally wacked.

i think its because life is so short. people panic that they aren't making it all it can be. that they aren't getting the "valuable" experiences.

People have this seriously insane desire to be judged "worthy" by others. whether at work, in school, in relationships, by women in general, by other guys, etc. this is why everyone is always trying to get someone that is higher up on the status hierachy. no one wants someoen with a lesser standing, but their judgement doesn't mean anything. Guys want the hb10 so they can subconsciously say to themselves 'YES, IM DA MAN". haha, its absurd.

and unless they can get "others" to judge them worthy then they have no worth.

thats just stark raving mad and its what leads to the society we've created where almost no one ever feels like they are valuable just as they are.

its an endless trap this type of thinking.

fine, you get the money, but then what about the girl. ok you get the girl and have some kids. but are your kids as good as the neighbours kids? you start to get older, is your retirement as good as others. and on and on.

i learned a long time ago that life is merely an experience. there are no grades. there is no pass or fail. there's just action and consequences.

keep fighting to see that life is NOT about the consequences. all you can do in life is NOT judge yourself negatively, try to have a positive outlook on the whole experience, and take a few chances.

that's it. thats all there is to it.

and be damned with what anyone thinks of you (women included). Your life is YOUR life, and dont EVER leave its safety and security in someone elses hands.

some women are great, but trust me, you are so lucky to have that b*tch out of your life.

the fact that you going through what you are going through right now tells me that you gave way to much of yourself to this woman. you let her safeguard your sense of self worth and positive outlook on life. and like the dumb b*tch she is, she misused them.

so now its simple. rebuild those things, and never give them away again. you don't have to give away the things that are most precious to you - self respect and love - in order to love a woman. you can love yourself and someone else at the same time.

too many guys, and i've admittedly done this myself, have turned their backs on their own sense of self worth and value for the opinion of a woman.

i've learned. its great if a woman likes me, but guess what, if she doesnt, i could care less. I'm damn friggin proud of how far ive come in life and that im still fighting the good fight. you can't ever let a woman convince you that there is something "wrong" with you. at best she can only ever say ther eis something "wrong" with the relationship.

focus on getting your sense of self back man and you'll be fine.

J

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by joekerr31

focus on getting your sense of self back man and you'll be fine.

AMEN!!!

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by John303
Next time you're at the bookstore, pickup a copy of "In The Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. I learned a tremendous amount from this book. And it's perfect for reading just after a breakup to find yourself again.

Hey Trim,

I picked up this book over the weekend and I think you need to get it. From what I've read so far it hits our situation right on the nose!!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Sounds good. I'll have to get it next time I'm at the bookstore. I have been doing a lot of reading lately and also trying to get out of the house.

Today, I was thinking about my ex. I don't know if you guys ever went through something like this, but I was thinking about how we were so similar. What I mean is, I can go through my day, day after day, and never meet someone I know I can click with like I did with her. We looked similar, we liked the same things, we had the same values(well, except for dumping people you love), we could talk and talk about something all day if we wanted to.

Then I think about how she could treat me the way she did.

We were best friends. Well, at least that's what I was lead to believe.

But then she walked away. And she had her dad talk to me to really end it. She had him return the engagement ring. She knew I had a no-talk-to-exes policy and that would be it. She knew we would never see nor talk to each other again. And she had her father do it for her. Could you imagine having that happen to you?

When I think about this, I realize that this world is never, never what you think it is.

So I went from having what I considered to be the perfect woman for me...the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my days with... to having no one. And it doesn't just end there. She was the person who knew me better than anyone else on this planet, and I don't have that person anymore. Nobody really knows me anymore.

There is no one in my life right now, aside from my friends, who have become distant, and my family. And the women I have talked to these past few months are so different from me, I just don't want to deal with them and they don't want to deal with me.

I couldn't be creative enough to describe how I feel about the ex's actions. They have left me with wounds that run as deep as it gets. They have left me shocked and terrified.

And I don't know how this happened. What I mean is, I tried all of the "be happy to be yourself" stuff in this relationship. I thought I was enlightened. I thought I was a strong person. I did all the things to make myself happy.

But I still wound up this way.

Relationships suck because two people are trying to share two different realities. And people will present their realities in such a way to both satisfy their partners and satisfy their own needs. But the problem is that their realities are still the same, whether they even know it or not. This is how I got hurt.

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
S

Relationships suck because two people are trying to share two different realities. And people will present their realities in such a way to both satisfy their partners and satisfy their own needs. But the problem is that their realities are still the same, whether they even know it or not. This is how I got hurt.

yep, most relationships do suck. and the reason they suck is because two peopel dont share similar values.

heres the thing, you can have all the great conversations in the world with someone, but that doesnt mean you have the same values.

and Trim, with all due respect man, you're talking about her as though she was a great catch. she randomly punched some woman in the street in the face.

i mean, dude, shes a nut case.

you need to figure out why it is that you see a totally psycho woman as somehow good for you. becuase thats the cause of your pain.

for some damn reason you actually think that this insane nutcase is the PRIZE.

there are tons of great women out there, and you need to figure out why it is they dont turn your crank. you talked about an oritental one a while ago that seemed really nice and sweet etc., but you didnt get a spark even though she seemed to liek you.

you need to really ask yourself what it is about women that are broken that draws you in so much.

i had the same problem and have come to realize why. for me it had to do with my childhood and what i thought a "woman" was. and what i thought "communication" was. i realized that i was most comfortable with women who communicated the way i grew up seeing a man and woman communicate in a marriage. which for me meant stubborn immature arguments.

now that i see that i've let that go. i'm flirting with one of the damn nicest girls i think ive ever met and going to take my shot soon. i've dealt with enough psychos that now im seeing how unbelievably sexy and stunning a girl with morals can be.

i want a woman who cares about how I feel, not just about what she can get from me, or to be her verbal sparring partner when life gets stressful.

seriously man, you need to figure out why it is that this very broken woman created such an attraction in you.

J

 

[knighted1]

Fellas,
Phenomenal thread.....Joekerr, clean out your inbox so I can get you my reply....

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Joe,

Here's my list of LTRs and what happened. Some were *****es, but others were not.

#1 High school girlfriend- met her my senior year. Dated her for two years. She physically attacked me a few times. I pushed her back once and felt terrible. I then started going out and getting lots of girls at the clubs, so I broke up with her...didn't need the drama anymore. (verdict: mid-level psycho, b1tch)

#2 Early college girlfriend- met her at a club. I was 19, she was 23. Filipino. We dated a couple years. She didn't cause any problems. I dated several other girls on the side, but she was my main one. (verdict: sweety to me, but she did kick #3 in the leg when she saw us at a club. Jealous.)

#3 Late college girlfriend- grew up in the same neighborhood, went to grade, middle, and high school together. Never talked to her until I met her at a club and she was a knockout. Actually, she modeled. Took her out one night and had a great time. The next night she comes to knocking on my parents basement door. My poor dad is spanking it to some porn, but she can't see him. I'm upstairs sleeping with girlfriend #2. Dad comes upstairs and wakes me up. I walk downstairs, notice the porn's still playing. I play off the porn and take #3 out of the house. End up f*cking her that night. I start dating #3 soon thereafter and never call back #2, who goes ballistic(I still feel guilty about that one.) I got engaged to #3 in 1998, but she took a trip to get her wedding dress and go on a yoga retreat in Thailand. Then she hooked up with some guy and told me about it. Hardest decision I've ever made in my life, but I ended it. She married the guy. I still have my doubts about that one. (verdict: sweety, until she cheated on me)

#4 Dated her while I was dating #3. It was a short relationship. But it was something memorable. She was great...and rich. I liked her a lot, but when I met her mother, a trophywife, she did about everything short of running me out of her house. I didn't like her attitude and took dad's advice--always look at her mom. Also, I was with #3 and had been with her for a long time. (Verdict: sweety)

#5 I was with #5 for about a year. She was separated. She looked like #3, but she was psycho. But I have to admit it was the best sex in my life. I've had a lot, and it was definitely the best by far. She was with some other guy while she was with me and I didn't know it. Found some pictures. Nasty... Dumped her. Got depressed for a month or so. (verdict: Total psycho, beyond b1tch. Mom was mentally ill.)

#6 Italian/Peruvian girl I've mentioned before. Hot, but not as much as the others. Foreign, so I couldn't make jokes about the A-team or anything like that. (verdict: sweety, but boring)

#7 The ex. We can call her "Sunshine" from now on. OK, by this point in my life, I'm trying to find somebody who is like my mom. Sunshine acted like her and things were good for a long time, but then in May she hits the girl in Italy like Joe said and returns BPD/Bipolar style. I'm already so in love and committed to this girl, it's impossible for me to walk away. I ride the storm and she ends it in September. (verdict: sweety-turned-psycho)

So that's the roundup. There are plenty of other STRs to fill in the gaps and also tons of girls on the side during a lot of these. But these were the girls who went home to mom. The thing I notice is that the girls who were unstable made me unstable when it ended. I dumped sweeties and girls who cheated on me.

As for choosing someone like my mom, well, my mom is not a b1tch. She is the sweetest woman you'll ever meet, and everybody knows that. And that's outside the house and inside the house with my dad.

So I want a sweet girl now, a girl who's sweet like my mom. I knew I wanted a sweet girl when I met Sunshine, and I thought she was that girl. It turned out she wasn't, and I'm shocked. There were signs...her mom and dad and their neuroses...comments that now "click" but didn't when they were said.

I now know she wasn't a prize. I know she was just a person. She was more than special to me at one point and she would still be special to me had she tried to make an effort in our relationship. She would have also needed to get back on her meds I think.

Like I said, it's terrifying that this happened. I lost a lot of myself and my energy in what amounted to nothing. I'm going to get some medication tomorrow in case I have to face what I did this weekend. I noticed tonight I look a lot older than I did a few months ago. This stress has taken a toll on me.

I don't know what else I should look at when I look at my past relationships. I'm freaking out over here about what it is that I'm doing or not doing to keep getting the results I'm getting in my relationships. Is it the person? Is it me? And as the years pass, it seems like it's getting harder to meet as many chicks. I used to go out with 4 girls at once. Now I have 0. And no prospects.

 

[djzulu]

I have been following this thread for a while, but never really posted - but I want to add a few words...hopefully I won't be redundant since a lot was already said by other fellow DJs.

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper


So I want a sweet girl now, a girl who's sweet like my mom. I knew I wanted a sweet girl when I met Sunshine, and I thought she was that girl. It turned out she wasn't, and I'm shocked. There were signs...her mom and dad and their neuroses...comments that now "click" but didn't when they were said.

You have to start focusing on your life, yourself, your desires passions goals and stop seeking a relationship. You have to get out of the frame of mind that you have to be with someone - you should fill your life with things that you love doing. Sh!t happens, and unfortunately you were fooled by your senses and fell in love with the wrong girl - but you have to remember that falling in love is just chemicals in your brain moving from one place to another at the right place and time. You have to reach that stage where your life is self-fulfilling and there is no need to seek gratification from external sources – such as a girl.

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper

I don't know what else I should look at when I look at my past relationships. I'm freaking out over here about what it is that I'm doing or not doing to keep getting the results I'm getting in my relationships. Is it the person? Is it me? And as the years pass, it seems like it's getting harder to meet as many chicks. I used to go out with 4 girls at once. Now I have 0. And no prospects.

Stop analyzing your past relationships!
Stop looking for flaws in your personality!

You can meet as many chicks as you want – all you have to do is get into the right frame of mind. You need to live your life to the fullest and the girls will come. Once you feel like you are living everyday to the fullest and enjoying your life you will know that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are in no hurry to seek a relationship.

I am in my early 30’s and I feel much younger than I was when I was 23 – and I am serious. It seems as if there are many more available girls out there right now, and you can have whoever you feel like dating. It’s all the frame of mind you are in, and judging by your posts, you have read enough books to understand that you can change your frame of mind and be whoever you want to be. There are tons of women out there and once you tap into your mind’s resources and get that positive energy going you will morph into a different guy – the person you want to be.

I know that most of what I have said has been mentioned on this website before – but I really believe that the key to a successful relationship is living your personal life to the fullest.