Banging my head....

[joekerr31]

hard to say.
i have everything in mp3 so not sure what the cd is called.

almost any of his stuff is great. i just got back from a walk and listened to him for 2 hours on the walk. feeling great now.

at the end of the day it basically comes to to learning how to value yourself and to not be your own worst enemy.

its amazing how much pain and suffering in the world comes from people hurting other people because they are hurting themselves.

anyway, when i get back home in about a week ill see what cds i have in mp3 form and let you know.

another guy that is great but fewer people know about is alan watts. he's a philosopher from the 70s. brilliant guy.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Joe, I sent you a PM

 

[icehot]

stop your whining

Trim,

i've read your tale of the breakup and dude, you're getting pathetic. I know you probably don't want to hear this. But man, you're sounding like a little school girl who lost her lollipop.
You are a man dammit. Act like it!
Panic attacks at bagel shops. loosing it at Borders..jesus..get a grip.

When she was 6 years old and playing with her freaking barbie dolls and teady bears, you were 15 dude! So stop your crying and whining about this little beotch that dumped ya.

Sure, it sucks to get dumped and walked on. But guess what? its part of life. What really counts now, is how you deal with it. Remember, the best revenge, is living well.

There's been some great advice posted so far... so take some of them and stop wallowing in self pity, grab your balls and get on with your life..or belive me, life WILL pass you by.

iceH

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Icehot,

Hey Ice, I'll be the first to admit that I'm pathetic at this point. I'm beat down, no other way to put it. I've even started having physical problems from all of this.

Thanks for the advice and kick in the azz.

By the way, are there any posts in the DJ bible on how to deal with grief? :crackup:

At this point, I'm doing what I can. If I sound like a broken record on here, with the panicking and the crying and all that sh1t, it's because I keep producing those behaviors, and I'm tired of it. I've said it before and I mean it. But I still keep doing it. Things were the same today as they were yesterday, the day before, and the day before that.

I know things are out of hand. I'm out of my coping range. That's why I'm getting help. My appointment with the therapist is tomorrow, and I'll fill you guys in how things are going. You guys have given me great advice. And they will be able to help more on top of that.

 

[Sinistar]

You mentioned Grief, here's one article maybe it works for you maybe not. At least it explains what people seem to work through:

http://www.couplescompany.com/Features/Grief/default.htm

 

[joekerr31]

personal Trim i think you're doing good.

sometimes self pity is a problem and a kick in the ass is good.

but sometimes the problems are much more than self pity, which i believe is the case here, and you need to get help to straighten your head out.

no shame in it. be proud that you care enough about yourself to get your house in order!

J

 

[decades]

Trim, don't be too hard on yourself. Some guys don' t understand that you are going through a Real trauma, not some run of the mill break up that happens all the time. I admire your courage for being honest with everyone and admitting that you're going through pain. Time is going to be your friend here.

And I'll repeat something I said in another thread. Sometimes the right thing to do is go sarge after a breakup but in this case I think its the exact wrong thing to do. You need to heal a gaping wound and sarging is just going to paper over some deep seated feelings that I think you are going to want to deal with soon. Women add complications to your life and you must be in a mental frame to deal with those complications. Right now you're just struggling to survive.

One thing I have learned, and I have only Just learned this, is to Never put all your emotional eggs in one basket no matter who you are with. Women are just too emotional to trust with those kind of feelings. Even in a marriage, I think its perfectly appropriate to cultivate female friends. I got very isolated in my last relationship and she picked up on that. I didn't have enough female friends that SHE knew about and I stopped cultivating my male friendships. Everything revolved around her and that was a crucial mistake in strategy. In the end it was devastating because she was a lover and a became a friend / confidant. When its over you are left with nothing but an opportunity to do a rebuild of your life.

Best of luck and keep posting.

regards

 

[joekerr31]

also get some good music to give you that kick you need. When im pissed i tend to listen to some Motorhead, Metallica, etc.
Watch Scarface or movies like Payback.

i mean, you still gotta work on resolving your issues. But hey, get that testoterone kicking again.

when they say go mack on other chics i think its not so much the new chic that gets you over that ex, i think its the testosterone and feeling like a man again.

if you're with ANY woman long enough its like her estrogen sucks the testoterone right out of you.

a man needs his testoterone to feel "good".

:woo:

J

 

[icehot]

Trim,

Just a little tough love for ya brotha. When i went through the same thing, I needed a good b*tch slap to snap me out of it. Its wassyyy too easy to become paralized with grieve.

Also, i have to commend you on putting it all on the line for us. Too many guys hold this sh*t in and the next thing you know, they are shooting up a McDonalds or taking a header off the Golden Gate bridge.


Live well my friend,

iceH

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Hey,

I just got back from the therapist. She stated I'm depressed, so I was referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Also, the therapist said I should come back again tomorrow.

I won't go too into the details here, but the way the therapy works is by talking about your past....childhood and past relationships.....and seeing if there are patterns you keep repeating.

Tonight I have to start writing in a journal about all of this.

The visit couldn't have come at a better time. I was feeling terrible today.

Persistant,
Sh1t, your post gave me chills. Exactly what happened to me.

Ice Hot and Joe,
I want my mojo back! I lifted last night a little. I want to call that South African chick I talked about in the other thread. But I've put several obstacles in front of that now -I want my game to be tight...she's hotter than any woman I've ever DJed and I'm at my lowest point ever..... However, I do need to call her or else I'll definitely lose!

So I'm going in for more treatment tomorrow, and I'll add more then.

Later, Trim

 

[legolas]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
Hey,

I just got back from the therapist. She stated I'm depressed, so I was referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Also, the therapist said I should come back again tomorrow.

Careful with anti-depressant drugs there buddy. Psychiatrists only prescriibe drugs these days. There is no more therapy. In fact my friend, you don't need any therapy, you need a night of hot steamy passionate sex with some chik who digs you and you'll get all the antidepressant effects right away

btw. I'm not kidding. I asked a friend of mine how he got back up from being depressed over this one chick, I believe he even considered suicide at one point. Now he's got some business going, got a new girlfriend who he says is crazy in bed, and is happier than ever. When I asked him, he said his "secret" was having lots of sex. I think there are even scientific studies about this. Google it if you don't believe me.

Ice Hot and Joe,
I want my mojo back! I lifted last night a little. I want to call that South African chick I talked about in the other thread. But I've put several obstacles in front of that now -I want my game to be tight...she's hotter than any woman I've ever DJed and I'm at my lowest point ever..... However, I do need to call her or else I'll definitely lose!

So I'm going in for more treatment tomorrow, and I'll add more then.

Later, Trim

Ah my friend you are making the assumption that just because she's "hotter than any woman you've ever DJed" somehow she has all her sh*t together, is perfect and you're not. Remember hot women are hot because of their genes, not because they have their lives together. I'd like to propose that one passionate night with her will be enough to get you up from the ground and back on your feet again, so that you can have more hot steamy sex with her. All you gotta do is be cool and don't let your depression get in the way. You don't need tight game, you need a little courage.

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
Hey,

I just got back from the therapist. She stated I'm depressed, so I was referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Also, the therapist said I should come back again tomorrow.

I won't go too into the details here, but the way the therapy works is by talking about your past....childhood and past relationships.....and seeing if there are patterns you keep repeating.

Tonight I have to start writing in a journal about all of this.

The visit couldn't have come at a better time. I was feeling terrible today.

Persistant,
Sh1t, your post gave me chills. Exactly what happened to me.

Ice Hot and Joe,
I want my mojo back! I lifted last night a little. I want to call that South African chick I talked about in the other thread. But I've put several obstacles in front of that now -I want my game to be tight...she's hotter than any woman I've ever DJed and I'm at my lowest point ever..... However, I do need to call her or else I'll definitely lose!

So I'm going in for more treatment tomorrow, and I'll add more then.

Later, Trim

Hey Trim,

Legolas is right about the psychiatrists wanting only to prescribe anti-drugs. Like I said before I went through the same sh!t your going through about 1 month ago. The therapist are just there to ask questions about your life as a whole. I went to both and I think if any helped at all it was the therapist. They are there to listen so you can get alot of this sh!t of your chest. But I think exercise is going to be your best bet for feeling better right now. I'm no expert but trust me, I went through the same thing you did and I think if I didn't have a 5 yr. little girl that loves me , no telling what I would have done. It's tough, I know but just go for a little jog or bike ride and get the ole heart pumping for about 30minutes and you will feel great afterward. I think the anger part of the grief from the breakup drives you while your exercising. But you have to get over the depression(denial) part first which I think is what you are going through right now. Everytime I run the anger I feel from what she did to me makes me push even harder.

It has been almost 3 months since my breakup and I can actually feel myself getting better. I am starting to get my inner-game back. I am just now starting to feel my self-confidence come back into play. I was like you, where I didn't think I could ever talk to a girl again and when I did I probably gave off bad vibes cause I was so depressed. Actually I had a girl come up to me this last weekend and sit next to me and start talking to me!! Then last night I had a girl actually call me back that I had called about a week ago.I know this probably sounds funny to most theses guys here, but it was a huge plus for my ego!! It's good to know that I still got it(Mojo)

Just out of curiosity, who told you about the journal thing? I thought about doing that but I felt like it would only bring up the past again so I nixed it.

Just hang in there Trim and keep us posted. Like I said before over and over again IT WILL GET BETTER!! If you need to talk about it some more we're here for ya.

Lance

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I had another visit with the therapist today since she was really concerned about me (shocker!).

There is a lot of stuff I talked about that is way too personal to put on here. But there is something that I feel is my obligation to share with you all.

I told her how I wanted to treat my ex like a woman and take care of her. I committed so much to this relationship by reading here and on other sites, reading books on relationships, and using what I learned. I feel like a lot of it was just straight acting and not being myself. One part of that was sucking it up when I was really hurting inside. There were moments when I knew, or perhaps thought, that she needed me to be strong. I can't tell you how tough that was for me because I had emotional sirens going off big time. There were several moments I can look back upon now that show just how untrue I was being to myself in the relationship.

I remember my ex saying how much she respected my stability. She told me that about a year ago, and it was the last real compliment she gave me that I can remember. But in fact, the stability wasn't mine. It was just me repressing what I was feeling. And keep in mind, I earned her respect at the cost of my sanity. That makes me question if getting HER respect is that important.

In my opinion, it wasn't worth it. Now I know I should have been who I was and if she didn't like it, she could have hit the road, which would have saved me years of being someone I wasn't and who knows how much recovery time.

I really feel she was looking for a carbon copy of her father. When I look back at some of the things I was doing to show her affection, things I got from her feedback, I see a lot of similarities to the relationship between her mother and father. And the last thing I want is to live a life like that poor bastard. I'm still wondering how I even got to that point.

My life would have been, and would be now, so much healthier if I had not "acted" so much in the relationship. Sure, I would probably have lost her even earlier, but I lost her anyway. The therapist told me that repressed emotions turn inward and begin to mess you up after a while. They should be expressed.

Keep in mind that this is just one of many issues concerning what is making me depressed. Like I said, a lot of the stuff is too personal for me to comfortably post here. And the other issues are so numerous and common that you can use your own imaginations. Just think about pretty much everything that would depress you and that's whats going on.

But what I have shared is significant for us all here. Yes, we should be DJs. We should be men. But at some point, we need to stop doing "DJ bible technique #3247" and be who we truly are, trust our emotions, and act how WE want to act. The woman you want to share the rest of your life with is not their to be with an imposter. She is there to be with YOU. And if you are afraid of being who you are lest she leave you, you will be right where I am. And trust me, you never want to know what this is like. Never.

 

[decades]

Trim your honesty and courage is something we all can learn from. Thanks for sharing again.

regards

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Thanks Persistent, that means a lot to me at this point in my life.

Yes Blue, there were definitely issues of codependency going on between us. She didn't share how she felt about the relationship. She just broke up and that was it. The only thing I can really remember her doing to help us with our relationship challenges was that she gave me Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand" to read. And that was in 2003. I read it. But she still didn't share stuff.

I think my codependent issue was how I wanted to care for her so much and be strong. I wasn't like that in the beginning. But then again, I wasn't as committed in the beginning. She was the one who always pushed me for commitment until this year. And over time, I think I changed. So I don't know if I filled my role "well enough" in the codependency. I will tell you this though, I remember seeing several codependency books at her parent's house when I was over there.

I wanted to go to therapy together this summer. I suggested it, but she said 'no'. She stated that if we had problems now, imagine how they'd be when we were married. Well, we had a relationship with every detail of a marriage except for the new blender. I guess she was just done at this point. Problem is, she's just going to take that into her next relationship.

And our relationship was epic. Nothing in my life has compared to this.

Again, we needed to share things and confront our challenges, yet she chose to go for the codependent strategy of avoidance. I was there for her and us, but she chose to eject. Her loss.

I do wonder sometimes if she thinks about what she threw away. There are a million intimate memories I can recall. As intimate as it gets. And she turned her back on them as if they meant nothing. It's shocking really. To me, the memories are the valuable part. In the end, she was p1ssed because she didn't have any earrings to show for our relationship! (when I heard this from her, I really thought someone had given her a brain transplant)

Maybe at some point she will have enough references to see what was there. But as of now, both she, and in a way, I are losing a lot.

Today, I passed the first exam I need to start my new job. You'd think I was ecstatic, but I wasn't. In fact, I was slumped over the table in the testing center, and at one point, the proctor asked me if I was ok. I can't believe I was able to do it.

When I was taking the test, I just kept going through our plans. I kept thinking about the hours and hours I spent studying when things were rough between us. I kept thinking about how I asked her to just support me for a month or so more until I got through it. But she didn't.

After I finished, the proctor was really happy for me. But it was kind of like my dad's birthday revisited. Fun moment...depressed Trim. I only felt guilty not feeling the same level of enthusiasm.

Still hurting here. I read about how long it can last. Not good news there. I can't imagine going months feeling this way.

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper

I do wonder sometimes if she thinks about what she threw away. There are a million intimate memories I can recall. As intimate as it gets. And she turned her back on them as if they meant nothing. It's shocking really. To me, the memories are the valuable part.

Yes, this is going to be the hardest part to get over.I feel for you!

What I don't understand is, how can some guys here get over something like this so easy? To me, this was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to endure. I guess some guys have weaker hearts than others, hell I don't know! But supposedly it will make you a stronger person so it will be less likely to happen again. I sure hope so because I don't think I could ever go through this sh!t again.

Hang in there Trim...

Lance

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Oh my f*ckin' god!

I got an email from the ex today. The first communication since things ended. Odd timing after that last post. My stomach has been in knots ever since. Here it is:

Hi Trim,

I wanted to let you know that tomorrow, Saturday, is the ******
competition in **. I had bought tickets for a bus ride up and to the event for you for your birthday, and I'd still like you to be able to use them. I tried contacting your mom about it to respect your space but I haven't heard back from her. If you want to use the tickets let me know and I can tell you where you're supposed to park. It's early in the morning, probably 7:30 to meet the bus. If you go there's no physical ticket, you just give your name and my name and you can bring anyone you want. I really wanted you to be able to go to this since you'd talked about it for so long.

I know it's weird to hear from me, and I'm sorry to disrupt your day. I know all this stuff is difficult to navigate for both of us. You can call me or email me and I can give you the details about parking tomorrow (I have the voice mail from the ****** saved on my phone). Maybe you and ******* could have a fun day together.

I'm not sure what else to say except that I hope you're doing well with your ******* pursuits and in everything else. I found a roommate and moved out last weekend, so that's kept me quite busy. It's nice to be off the couch finally. I had to learn to parallel park, too, since there's only street parking in my neighborhood.

Take care.


Funny, she tried to contact my mom and my mom didn't even reply. She is so upset with my ex, she'll never talk to her again. Mom didn't even tell me she'd recieved anything from the ex. It probably doesn't make much sense to the ex, but my mom knows some things about the ex which the ex doesn't know she knows.

When she suggested I have a fun day with someone, she was referring to going with my best friend, by the way.

I can't believe she sent this. After all the sh1t, the f*ckin' trash, the brutal breakup, the abuse, and several other things I haven't mentioned on here, she "really wants" me to enjoy my birthday present from her! My favorite part of the email is the "sorry to disrupt your day" line. I also think the roommate is more than that but maybe I'm just crazy :crazy:.

Does she even know how lame it is to recieve something like this? From the wording, maybe she doesn't. But for me, it feels like she's just piling more trash on top of me.

Does she feel guilty? Hmmmm. I had to take back the engagement ring, which she didn't have the heart to give me, so she had her dad/robot do it. I felt like such a loser going back to the jeweler with my tail between my legs. I tried to call her back the day after she broke up and she was abusive on the phone. I won't even get into the avoidance and deception there at the end. Is she looking at those things and feeling bad for me? Is she trying to make my life great or is she just trying to assuage her guilt?

Does she really think it would just be so great for me to go enjoy myself at the ********!!!!! Yippee!(sarcasm) Like I would forget this loss and enjoy the present she's given me.

She must have no idea what my life is like right now.

Time to call my therapist. Talk to you guys later. And no, I'm not going to reply to her.

 

[joekerr31]

dude, if you can manage NOT to respond to her you will be taking a HUGE step forward!!!

ill shed some light on her response. she feels dirt chitty guilty about what she has done. she also is second guessing herself.

what she wants right now is for you to reply and say "YOU F*CKING *****. I HATE YOU!!!!!"

then she can say to herself 'hey wait a sec, i made the right choice, look at what a prick he was when i simply was trying to be friendly"

hahahaha.

i dont care about whatever memories you had with her dude. i don't care what you feel for her. i dont care who you thought she was.... ill tell you who she IS....

she's the worst type of woman. she's will stroke your hair only grip it and pull your head back and cut your throat.

these types of women are THE WORST! they break through your natural defenses with sugar and spice and everything nice, and once they are through, they stick the knife in.

why would someone do this?

usually its because deep down they are filled with anger. they hate themselves, they hate hte world, they hate others. remember, they don't appear that way, they appear the exact opposite. they act like the friendliest person in the world, except they are always giving you what you dont need. when you need a hug they kick you in the ass, when you need a kick in the ass they give you a hug.

this woman isn't even the issue if you ask me. what's the issue is what attracted you to her. what made you blind to the signs of who she truly was (and trust me, there are always signs).

anyway man, DO NOT respond.

she's a miserable b*tch deep down inside and she wants to know that you are miserable also. don't give her that satisfaction.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Joe, good to see you are back.

The signs were her sh1t-talking about other people. She was judgmental of others...even people who were nice to her. But that side of her has only really emerged in the last year or so, which corresponds well to the decline of our relationship.

What attracted me to her was the person she was years ago. The person she is now is not the woman I committed to before. I'm with you, I don't like b1tches. I stuck around those months because I thought it was just stress of her new job making her behavior the way it was. She used to be mom material; now she's not.

But here's how out-of-hand she has become:
She took a trip to Italy in the spring. She was walking down the street and some teenage girl yelled something at her (in Italian) and touched her arm. My ex didn't know what she had said or anything. Anyway, my ex spins around and lands a left hook on this girls face. Lays the girl out on the sidewalk. (the ex worked out)

Now you guys might think I was dating Pink or Chyna or something, but this girl used to be the sweetest "Martha Stewart" type girl. She even got the Martha Stewart magazine. As I said before, I really think she had a brain transplant.

So back to the email. I will never contact her again Joe. I've already dropped some serious cash on therapy and there's no way I want to throw that away. And I think she would be pretty surprised if I replied with a go f*ck yourself. I'm not like that.

A friend told me it looks like she is fishing for information. Trying to dish out a little, low-risk info to get me to share what's going on in my life.

I say screw the games. I got people asking me some really f*cked up questions in therapy. Really twisted stuff about my adult life and my childhood, and it's been pushing me. The last thing I need right now is for the ex to start pulling some sh1t.

 

[joekerr31]

ok, she punched someone for no reason... thats messed up. for a guy thats messed up, for a woman thats absolutely psycho.

something happened to her along the way that shes not telling anyone.

one of the most important things in life to try and apply is what is called a paradigm shift.

you have to try and imagine what could cause someoen to behave a certain way. so for instance, with her behavior, perhaps she was molested as a child and suddenly a year ago the memorize came back which had been repressed for decades.

im not saying that happened, what i am saying though is that if something like that happened things would then make sense.

the biggest problem in life is that we dont know why epople do what they do, chit, they dont even know why they do what they do. that said, there are always reasons though.

so with this perspective on things, we can forgive people for doing horrible things, feel sorry for them, but at the same time also walk away from them to protect our best interests.

to often we internalize others actions and we think WE are doing something to cause them to behave a certain way. when in truth it has nothing to do with you. but because you dont know whats causing something we make assumptions that its us.

this is why they say the best revenge is living well. you can't stop someone like her for instance, from destroying her life and living in misery. but you can make the choice not to be a part of it.

unfortunately us men tend to want to save these women who are on the path of self destruction. and as a result we end up getting destroyed.

help when someone is open to help. but when someoen starts pulling you down, its time to walk away.

J