4.5 Yrs down the toilet....

Starman

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 20, 2002
Messages
2,907
Reaction score
6
Location
chicago,il , usa
man it eats through my bones every chick that is the one that breaks up with a guy..for no stupid reason at all such as "I wanna grow" or "we've grown apart" only to soonafter date some loser mechanic or an ice cream truck driver that treats them like crap...

but one thing that gets me through the nights..is lying in bed with a loving wife when Im 50 or 60(or maybe a 23 year old hooker)..sucessful..and happy..thinkin "I wonder what happened to Ol' _______" Knowing she is divorced and living an an old folks home somewhere

God its GREAT to be a MAN!
 

NewMan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 29, 2003
Messages
2,406
Reaction score
16
Location
Los Angeles
I agree

I agree - It is good to be a man.......

But, I think what we as guys need to do, is be happy with ourselves - be happy where we are at. I used to be happy being single - then I meet this wonderful chick. But the fact is, I compromised myself. I changed. I allowed myself to change - some of it for the worse.

After reading some of this, I think I've got something back. A confidence. I want to find myself again - to get back some of what I were (but not all) - and get even better with the knowledge I have.

I've a great job - a great mind - and getting back my great physical body (I gained 25lbs while with my girlfirend). I love having fun, and I'm going to get back on the road.

Can't wait for tomorrow.
 

hitop

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Oct 7, 2002
Messages
276
Reaction score
1
Location
Arizona, AKA redneckville
Then there was a girl friend of her's at work. She was married to a man 14 yrs older than her - who never wanted to go out. My GF got some work advice from her (regarding a new job) and they ended up being friends. Then things started going down hill - whether this woman had anything to do with it I don't know. But my GF told me that one of her friends suggested that we break up
For me, that is now an instant non-negotiable. If I meet a woman now and she begins to give a hard time and she either directly or indirectly intimates to me that she heeded some advice from some GF or co-worker, I'll simply show her the door. The real keepers tell their GF's to get lost if they trash you behind your back. That's the hella good girl.

Good luck with your new found life, the road to becoming DJ is fantastic.
 

Oscar Wilde

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 7, 2003
Messages
888
Reaction score
0
Location
Europe
We've all been there at one stage or another - just relax, don't think to much about her, get other interests, hit the gym/outdoor activity *a lot* and concentrate on work lots. You'll be grand in a couple of months, so don't fret.
 

mindbreaker

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2003
Messages
21
Reaction score
0
Man,

got the same **** going on about one year ago. My gf of one year and I split up. Similar reasons, she also got a new friend at the place she worked at and dtarting from then, everything went downhill in our relationship.
My guess is...she is off. Try to get her out of your mind. Easy to say from a neutral perspective, I know, but I had gone through the same crap...also the period of suffering....everything.
After some time I came over it forgot her, while not having contacted her for ages. Then, one day, she popped into my life again initiated by her, of course. Said she wanted to work things out...talk everything over. I got the same damn stuff to hear...I was so confused...I didnt know what I wanted....You were such a good guy....took good cafre of me...blablablabla...we all know what gals say in such a situation.
Anyway, we agreed on a new trial. Guess what? We split up a second time only 3 weeks later. Why? For the same dull reasons I heard before. These kinds of reason of which you know that they are just dumb s**t and you know that she is just giving u some of it to talk her way around it and hopes that you swallow it!
Period

Thats it. You will think, oh no, not my gal, she is different. Yup, thats what I thought, too, neglecting warnings of friends that had gone through it before. But I was smarter after it.

My advice: Leave her alone. Dont contact her. Get a life again and do what you wanna do. Go out and hook up. Anything what u like and feel like. After a while you will forget her and either love ur new lifestyle or love a new girl.

Thats how it goes

mindbreaker
 

NewMan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 29, 2003
Messages
2,406
Reaction score
16
Location
Los Angeles
So right...

Yes, the more I think on it, the more I believe that the new GF at work had a lot to do with it - although we probably would have been in the same position eventually - it was just the straw that broke the camels back.

I'm not going to contact her for sure - she needs to figure things out. It's funny though, my Girlfriend never wanted to go out hiy a couple of bars and hang out for an evening - not in the end - but as soon as she's now on her own, she has Girfriends over. She told that that last weekend they drank shot's and she ended up being sick. I can't for the life of me understand how she now does that, but would hardly ever have a beer with me at home - or in the jacuzzi etc.

Can't analize this to much - but it does suck. Those things that put a strain on our relationship (not wanting to go out at night, or hang at bars, or grab a game of pool or darts - or just stay at home and cook) - she's doing now. It doesn't make much sense.

She told me at the end, that she was not able to give to me, what I give to her. That she's not in the right place right now, that she doesn't feel it in her heart.

My reply is this - I'm simple - Ive allways been simple, if I'm not horny, put a sandwich in my hand. All I'm asking for is for you to take care of me - as a woman. You've wanted me to comit to you for the rest of my life, but in order for me to do that, you've got to give to me....

Sex at once every 2 weeks is not what I'd call taking care fo your man. Crashing out on the sofa at 9:30 every night (most weekdays) is not very exciting to a guy.

Damn I'm mad right now. I gave so much, but at the end she just pulled so far away.....
 

Quick

Senior Don Juan
Joined
May 6, 2003
Messages
495
Reaction score
2
Location
Chicago
Sex at once every 2 weeks is not what I'd call taking care fo your man. Crashing out on the sofa at 9:30 every night (most weekdays) is not very exciting to a guy.
See, when you talk about her being perfect, all you're really talking about is a dream, not reality. Three things make a woman perfect for you.

1. Who she is: How she looks, her personality. Is she funny, kind, giving...? Are you attracted to her? Do you want to be with her long term? Does she excite you? Does she meet your criteria for things you look for in a woman?

2. What she does: How happy she makes you. Is she a good sexual partner? Does she communicate her needs, and try to satisfy yours? Is she considerate and respectful? How important is your happiness to her? Is she loyal?

3. What she wants: Her vision for the two of you. Does she have the same goal for the relationship that you do? Do you want long term while she just wants sex? Do you want to explore while she wants marriage?

When you talk about losing a perfect woman, all you're referring to now is #1. At one point, she might have been good for #2, but that point is gone. All #1 deals with is potential. Superficially, she meets your standards, and if she deals with the things she can control correctly, you'll keep her.

I want you to see that what you lost is very replaceable. There are tons of women out there that you find attractive and exciting enough to give them a chance. That's all your girl had left going for her. Hardly the perfect woman. The difference between the ones you keep and don't keep is #2. If you met that girl today, and she had these behaviors, you wouldn't dream of being in a Long Term Relationship with her. So why do you want to get back with her? You can't live off of the memories of stuff she used to do for you.

It's something about being in a LTR that causes guys to ignore how unhappy they are currently and try to live on the memory of what was, and dreams of what could be. Reality check: that stuff only comes if the girl wants it bad enough and the fact that she wasn't trying shows that she didn't. You should have left her, and her leaving instead is a favor to you. Now you can actually pursue happiness AND security, instead of settling for just (false, obviously, because she left anyway) security. Take control of your life.
 
Last edited:

Bud Wiser

Don Juan
Joined
Jan 7, 2003
Messages
189
Reaction score
1
Re: Where were you all....

Originally posted by NewMan
I'm not going to pick up my stuff quite yet - I'm going on the date and having fun.

I'm tqaking you guys advice and going to live it up.

I'll wait for her to pick up the phone - and by that time I may not be available....
Give it a few weeks, have a blast in the meantime, then go get your stuff and get the hell her out of her life -- and get her out of yours.

By the way, this forum isn't necessarily a support group for jilted guys. It's place that teaches men how to change themselves to help prevent them from being dumped in the first place.

So start reading and absorbing the advice and techniques in the forums and the DJ Bible, NewMan. Then get out there and practice it.

Good luck!
 

Slickster

Master Don Juan
Joined
Feb 1, 2003
Messages
2,533
Reaction score
213
Location
Canada
After thinking about your plight most of last night and today. (I'm going thru the same sh*t) I would like to retract my advice about trying to make her jealous. Although it could work you'll have gotten back together for the wrong reasons.

I've been thru this exact same thing twice in the last 10 years. 5 year relationship and a 3 year one. Its scary how similar your situation is to mine. Especially the part about her talking to her friends and then coming back to you to break it off. Like she was too much of a chickensh*t to make up her own mind. Both of my exes couldn't give me a single legitimate reason why they wanted to break up other than needing space. Both claimed I was the best boyfriend they ever had, the best sex, the most happy, blah blah blah. "Then why do you want to break up then?" I ask.

Doesn't matter. She needs space. Why? Because you've been together for too long. Don't go thinking you did something wrong, or if only you did something different. Its NOT your fault.

Every woman has images of their dream guy who is going to come along and sweep them off their feet. You may have been that guy 4.5 yrs ago. But it could be something as simple as one of her friends going thru the excitement of meeting someone new and falling in love. Your ex sees this and wants to feel that excitement again. You could be the best guy in the world but when she thinks of her love life and everything she dreamed of she needs to feel those "new romantic love" feelings again. Plain and simple you cannot give those to her. She looks at your relationship and as good as it may be she thinks "Is this it?" "I'll never fall in love again". She'll begin feeling old or like her mother or something. She needs to feel young and desirable to men again.

How to deal with this:

1. Take comfort in the fact that no matter who she meets or how great they are. You and her had something special. Nothing will ever change that. A big part of who she is today is directly due to you. Her feelings and attraction for you is deeply ingrained in her psyche. It won't go away for a LONG time.

2. Do NOT!!! Be the guy crying and begging her back!!! She'll lose all respect for you and you may never be able to get that back. If there is a 1 in a 1000000 chance you'll ever get back with her then this is key.

3. Stay as busy as you possibly can. Date other women. Lets you know the world isn't over. Stay away from her. It drags you back into darkness and doesn't do a thing for you in the sense of her and her needed space.

4. Two paths your mind can take. You can dwell on all the good things, the good times , the sex, how much you hate the idea of her with someone else. All this gets you no where.
OR
You can focus on forgetting her, looking for good things in other women that your ex didn't have, things about your ex that you really bugged you and you're glad you don't have to deal with anymore.

Your mind will play many tricks on you. You'll be changing your mind about how you feel everyday. Angry, sad, depression, elation, happiness.

5. Focus on improving yourself in everyway you possibly can. I've broken up with someone before because "I" needed space. She gave me that space and after some time went by I saw her again. She looked AMAZING. She had moved on, seemed happy, done alot of self improvement, and although I had someone new all my feelings for her came rushing back to me. When I think back of all the women I've ever been with, she was the best. Regretted breaking up with her ever since.

6. Go get your stuff back as soon as you can. Clean break. No need to rip a bandaid of a half healed cut later. When you do go, make sure you're upbeat and no relationship talk and no physical contact.

7. Its human nature to want what you can't have. Watch the movie "Swingers" That pretty much sums it up. One day you'll find someone new that you like. That is precisely the moment your ex will want you back. Its like sixth sense or something. Ironically you won't want her anymore.

8. TIME TIME TIME this is the only real cure. All the other stuff just helps ease the pain. One day you'll just wake up and the pain will be gone. You'll wonder what the hell you were doing worrying about all this so much.

Remember your "Dream girl" could walk thru the door tomorrow but you may not recognize her because of all this crap your carrying around emotionally. Keep your eyes open.

Good Luck

Slick
 

Eyecandie4ya

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Jul 16, 2003
Messages
273
Reaction score
0
Location
Hotlanta
Newman,

Keep your head up! Everyone pretty much sum up a lot of things for ya that I don't have to mention twice. I know exactly how you feel, all the "I love you's" "I don't know what I would do without you's, etc bullsh#t that been "programmed" into you. Now it's time for a new program(new life). Don't concentrate on her missing you or who's she with. This will only prolong the hurt.

It easily said than done, but it's not impossible

Time will heal you.
 

NewMan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 29, 2003
Messages
2,406
Reaction score
16
Location
Los Angeles
Thats was the best post's I've read...

Yes, that was perfect and summed it up ever so well.

Quick.....

That was some awesome sh*t. Your 100% on the money.

#1 is replaceable for sure, and it's just the natural process of losing someone you were close to. That was a great post, one I will for sure keep, print out and re-read when I need to until I'm out of this funk phase.

Slickster et al... again you guys are on the money. I really didn't come to this site for support over the break-up - but to become a better man - for knowledge is power. But I felt I needed to vent - to write about my situation - and having read all of the replies, It's done me the world of good. I know what I must do, and I have a plan.
 

iqqi

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 27, 2003
Messages
5,136
Reaction score
82
Location
Beyond your peripheral vision
slick, that was such a great post. i am going to paste it in my personal bible!

good luck, newman. they say that when one door closes, another one opens. (and not necessarily woman-related).
maybe she did you a favor.
 

NewMan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 29, 2003
Messages
2,406
Reaction score
16
Location
Los Angeles
My Date

Ok.... just come back from my first date since the breakup.

First one in 4.5 yrs actually.

I think it went pretty well. She's 9 yrs younger than me - and to be honest I'm not that attracted to her. But we had some real good convo - and it was good to hang out with a chick - kind of opens up the mind and lets the blodd flow through.

I didn't put any moves on her - just looking to get back out there.

I'll probably follow up with a phone call in a couple of days.

What the ettiqute for calls backs? Should I call and leave a message tomorrow - kind of "It was nice to hang with you" - or should I wait a couple days?
 
Joined
Apr 3, 2003
Messages
3,667
Reaction score
18
Location
http://pimphop.com
I feel you NewMan. I had an 8 year go down the drain...my fault. I couldnt' stop being a player...and I was teaching my buddy how to get women so I got back into the game and lost one of the few women that I've ever loved...

My situation was very similiar to yours also...mine wouldn't go out with me but would with her girlfriends who kept telling her I was too old for her...and on & on...

I went through my dark period and eventually came out on the other side. I had to realize that her face wouldn't be the last face that I saw before I passed over in life when I got old

I immediately started dating a ton of women but it took finding what I call a good bottom girl to take my mind off my ex. Even though this was a few years ago not a day goes by that I don't think of her in some ways. Most of the players on this site see only the player side of me, but I truely feel your pain cause I've been there too.

It just takes time and to realize that when a woman is done 99%of the time she is done. Get out and date as many woman as you can is my advice. It's what worked for me. Find a good woman who will have love in her heart to fill your void. You can't find her until you start getting out there.

I have done alot of things in this game....from pimping to macking and playing...finding someone special is what it takes to take away the pain you are feeling.

I do applaud your strength in not calling her. I wasn't that strong at first. I called mine all the time. I even wrote her letters...like my email seduction letters and got her to sleep with me for many months until she found out about my pimping stuff...oh well, hard heads never learn until it's too late.

good luck bro.
 

tiburon

Banned
Joined
Jul 30, 2003
Messages
458
Reaction score
0
Age
39
Location
MIAMI & NEW YORK
NewMan i was in your choose 3 weeks ago and i have to say this guys have given you great advice, but ill try to put something ou there nobody has yet.
First realize this women aint that good after all and that you could do better anyday. If she was good she would not take your love forgranted.
Second dont sweat a woman because of her looks to many AFC already do that and you are entering the DJ club.It might be bulgar but always think that out of all women's pvssy blood comes out and so those **** ou of their hole , and we all look like **** when we are old so aint no way she is better than you because you have ten times the personality she does.
Third there are two type of AFC in this worlds. Those with balls and those with out them. The one with balls can become future true DJ's one day.Those without them will be disrespected and stepped by women all their lives.Whicjh one are you going to be?
Fourth it might be costy but if you want to do things the manly way forget about everything of yours she has. eventually she will ask if you want it back and then you will prove her that you are a true man and pick it up but dont even try engaging ain a conversation .IN AND OUT.
Fifth you start acting more like this guys have been telling you ,i bet you anything she will come crying, but you are now a DJ, you know she disrespected you, and that you are way too good for her so just ignored her and forget about been friends from today on. Life will repay your courage by bringing someone better along who will apreciate you better and you will be able to put your new aquire DJ skills to the test. READ THE BIBLE.
Sixth always come to the realization that you only have two thinga in life .Your Word and Your Honor, no women no matter how hot ,how nice, how anything she is should mess with that. If you led this happen you will live ashamed of the person you are.
Seven and final note is that i know from experience that for all of us it is very easy to advice you. When it happened to me (search for my posted EX GIRLFRIEND )i was hurt but i realized what i have mentioned above and i know is hard but i know you got balls and you will do great in your path to becoming a DJ.

Sincerely
Tiburon
 

tiburon

Banned
Joined
Jul 30, 2003
Messages
458
Reaction score
0
Age
39
Location
MIAMI & NEW YORK
BE A MAN

I forgot to mention one last thing.
An i will challenge you to do the following but it will be a great test of ball and courage.
Everyone will say find some other girl fvck 20, to get her out of your mind. Find someone else special to take away your pain.

Honestly it might help to take the pain, but i thing this will make you a better man:

Realize you are strong and to take her out of your heart and mine.Y ou dont need another princess to fall in love with in other to take this women out , you got BALS. Dont date anyone. Take her out just like an arrow shot through your body in a hollywood movie .Brake it and pull l it through the other side.

Well we are all men and if you find a hot gal that yo might want to put it on..do it but only do it because you truly want to fvck her ,not to just forget about the other one. Its hard but man if you fo this you are on your way to greatness.

My point is no women that takes you for granted deservesfor you to be so hurt that you will seek refuge in another. You are such a MAN that you dont neded womens you can forgive her and move on by yourself you dont have to hide anywhere.

Finally the las thing you want to do is find refuge or date and fall in love with a gal that you just find all the qualities this one didnt have. Or a girl that helped you forget. Its a viscious cycle trust me, you will make the same mistakes , take your time think clear, be your own man, and date and get serious with a gal only when you are doing it for yourself and not to get over anyone. ill guarantee if you do this and you pick a gal carefully you will also be on your way into a great future relationship
 

iqqi

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 27, 2003
Messages
5,136
Reaction score
82
Location
Beyond your peripheral vision
WOW. tiburon, you are one wise shark! that was absolutely wonderful advice, and if you are a strong enough man to know you don't need a "rebound" to use, then i have so much respect and awe for you.
 

BrWnSugaMan

Don Juan
Joined
Jul 12, 2002
Messages
176
Reaction score
2
Some of the advice given in the previous post were pretty good. But EVERYONE has skipped the most crucial part of this entire situation. You need to figure out what went wrong. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you will have this exact same problem in the future.

Many gave advice on how to get her back, but nobody told you what you need to do to keep her. Sure, by playing some of these mind-games you may be able to spark her interest again, but then what? After she gets back with you it will only be temporary because you haven't changed. Let's be honest here, it takes TWO for a relationship to work. You must accept some liability for the relationship ending - you haven't demonstarted this in any of your posts.

Let's try to figure out why she broke up with you:

Whatever bull reason she gave for breaking up with you was just because she didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You are 32 years old, I figure she is somewhere around that age also. You said that you are not the marrying type. I guess this means that you are also not the let's have kids type.

It makes perfect sense to me why she broke up with you. She meets this new girlfriend of hers and this girl has everything she wants: a great job, an awesome HUSBAND, etc (this is the kind of stuff all women strive for). Your girlfriend realizes that she is moving on in age and that your relationship is not going anywhere, she expresses this concern to her girlfriend, whom she envies. Whatever advice is given to her from her girlfriend will be treated as "gold" because the girlfriend has the results to back it up. The credibility of advice from her girlfriend is reinforced even more because of the girlfriends ability to land her (your ex) a new, better job. Your ex accpets advice from her gf on how to get a new, better job and it works, so it would only be natural for her to want to hang around the gf more and take more of her advice b/c the previous advice worked wonders!

It's obvious that your ex is currently in a phase of moving on with her life and "finding herself." The whole I need time to find myself was not a load of crap, but partially true. She doesn't need to find her self, because she already has. She knows what she wants and it's not you. Typically, women like to get new boyfriends when they make serious changes in their lives: graduation, new job, moving to a new city, etc. It's kind of like getting rid of old garbage.

You are 32 years old and she is moving on in age too. You have been with her for 4.5 years. If she truly meant the world to you, then why isn't there a ring on her finger? Oh ya I forgot, You're not the "marrying type."
 

dionysius_d

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Jul 25, 2003
Messages
260
Reaction score
0
Location
Mount of Olives- Sydney.
title

The title gave it away "4.5 years down the toilet"

You probably did other things in those 4.5 years besides being in a relationship with that female.

Existence is more than time spent in a relationship.. although that's a common idea on tv etc.

"Oh , i wasted my life with this man/woman!" etc. etc.

How absurd.
 
Top