ok, lets clear this up so everyone isn't so polarized.
as far as im concerned wyld's advice would work for an AFC. for a guy where its obvious that HE needs to worship her in order for her to be with him, then this will work. he will be able to regain his 'acceptable' AFC status with her.
BUT if what your wife fell in love with was a strong, independent man, then it won't work. all it will do is put you in the hot seat and actually re-enforce to her that YOU are responsible for how SHE feels. which is the absolute worst paradigm you can find yourself in - and one that a good 80% of men DO find themselves in when they marry.
the two options put forward so far are pretty simple.
Wyld's : woo her back, make her feel like a woman again, etc.
mine: become a man again, a positive, strong, loving life man and she will then want to become a woman worthy of such a man.
I'm not saying wyld's logic doesn't make sense. it does make sense when you look at things from a chics perpsective. its like if you were in a relationship and weren't satisfied with your partner - would you obviously not want them to start showing you more affection, ie. validate your worth to them? of course you would! but would it help anything? of course not! well, perhaps for 2-4 weeks it would fix things, but things would quickly return to what they were.
you CANNOT fake genuine attraction / interest / caring. and im telling you the best way to respark that is to respark it in your own life, independent of her. she will follow suit as time goes on.
if there is one thing in life i've learned its that rarely, almost never, are problems fixed by trying to fix someone elses behavior. the only thing you have control over is your own behavior, and its the first and last place you need to focus your attention.
in my opinion wyld's advice is bad because it encourages you to see HER behavior as YOUR problem. its not - its HER problem. you may be contributing to it perhaps, but even if thats the case, my suggestions will nip that in the bud right away. at which point, if you were the problem, she will no longer have one.
wyld's opinion of women being reactive, and needing a man to lead, is partly correct. but, and i've said this 100 times so far, women are experts at creating LOSE LOSE scenarios. its their ace up their sleeve. which is why i tell all men you have to be prepared to walk away. walk away from a fight, walk away from a temper tantrum, walk away from a relationship, etc. it doesn't mean you create a LOSE LOSE also by threatening to walk away. you keep the fact that you are prepared to walk away to yourself. but knowing you are, you will be able to stick to reason and logic and be mature and kind in your response to insanity. its the ONLY way to reverse the LOSE LOSE scenario women like to use when they are desperate to regain control of a relationship
women will throw themselves on the fire and scream and cry about how you are letting them burn. my reaction - GROW UP - you threw yourself on the fire, and you can get off the fire any time you want. I'll be your knight in shinning armor, but NOT if you are purposely climbing out on the ledge and threatening to jump. thats just MANIPULATION. its a LOSE LOSE - either i break down and elevate you back up to princess where im just around to serve you and make you feel like a princess, or i dont help you, in which case you turn around and call me an uncaring *ss. and if i did help, well now you know that whenever you want, all you need to do is jump out onto the ledge and - BAM - you've got me back in line and behaving like a good little lap dog.
I call bullsh*t on all that crap.
you want to shoot yourself in the foot, go ahead, but don't sh*t on me because i don't shoot myself in the foot also!
my advice is to become a HIGH QUALITY MAN. when you do that she will have to become a high quality woman, because she knows if she doesn't she will lose you in time.
begging for sex is NOT the actions of a high quality man btw, just so we are clear.
personally though, you've gone to counselling, it sounds like you've done your best to solve this WITH her, and its not working. so now its time to solve it ON YOUR OWN.
i can appreciate that wyld's advice is well intentioned, but man oh man, i believe it is so far off the mark that its scary. it will create the traditional AFC dynamic with your wife that may improve the marriage but diminish YOUR enjoyment of life, as well as your sense of self respect.
i also see her way as the easy road and mine as the hard road. one is a quick fix. the other is a lifestyle fix - its about more than your wife, its about your life! i honestly believe that relationships are just the 'symptoms' of our life philosophies. if you have the right attitude towards LIFE, and so does your wife, then everythign will work out fine. if your attitude towards life is off, your relationship will end up off in time as well.
im not a big fan of figuring out how to 'jump through the hoops' (which is what wyld's suggestion comes down to from my perspective). i'm a fan of learning how to say 'not interested in the hoops. either get rid of them or go find someone else who is prepared to jump through them'.
[now i'm just going to sit back and wait for when wyld says 'oh great advice joekerr, and its this kind of thinking that's the reason you aren't married." hehe - its coming, just wait for it
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