10 year relationship - Wife Lost of sexual desire

[Vypros]

Judging by your responses, I'm going to give your marriage another 18 months before you seperate and she cheats on you.

How do I know that? Because I was there once. And I adopted the same attitude you are conveying in this thread. And trust me IT DOESN'T WORK!

Seduction tips don't do JACK for a marriage. Seduction tips are meant to ATTRACT. no more, no less. When it comes to marriage, it all comes down to who you are, not what tricks you can employ to attract her to you again.

I'm telling you from EXPERIENCE, that the ONLY way you are going to increase her attraction to you again is to EMPLOY MASSIVE CHANGE immediately. What I mean is, that you have to shake things up. You have to accelerate your relationship in new and inventive ways. You HAVE to make time for her, but in the same vein you HAVE to have your own time apart from each other. It's easy in a relationship (especially when you have kids) to get so involved in each other that your own personal lives take a backseat and you get wrapped up in each other.

So you have to learn to balance that. Have a talk with her and LISTEN TO HER. But you are going to have to UNDERSTAND. Taking her words at face value is going to get you nowhere. You're going to have to tune into what she is saying.

Let me make a suggestion: Pick up a copy of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The book is a POWERFUL eye opening tool into the psyche of a woman and the way she communicates. You'll also learn a few things about yourself as well.

Let me give you an example of something from my own life that illustrates what I mean about hearing the words behind the words and speaking her langauge.

I used to get the line "I don't feel like you want me anymore" a lot. When she said that to me, what did I do? I immediately got defensive and started lobbing back excuses as to why she was WRONG. What I didn't HEAR and UNDERSTAND was that she didn't feel like I wanted her anymore because I wasn't acting sexual with her. Sex was a chore to me because I lost my attraction to her. So, when we had sex, I didn't really put myself into it. I just did it to get it over with and rolled over and went to sleep. The thing that I MISSED was that "wanting" her had NOTHING to do with the act of sex itself! It was the things surrounding it. It was the LITTLE things that I consistantly failed to do on a daily basis. My SOLUTION to her words "I don't feel like you want me anymore" was to have sex with her more! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! FAIL! ABORT! ABORT! It made things worse!

But wait, she just told you what was wrong and you fixed it, Vypros! You numbskull, you did nothing wrong! She was a fickle little b*tch!!!

NO!

I failed because I didn't hear the words behind the words and wasn't LISTENING to her! "Wanting" her had nothing to do with the act of sex itself! It was the things surrounding sex! Sex itself isn't really "sensual". Sex is more of a RELEASE than it is a "sensual" act. Sex is a SATISFACTION to your own desires, and release. "Wanting" sex, is about so much more than just laying your unit into her vagina!

What I failed to realize was that "wanting" her branch out into so many areas of our lives. I didn't just "kiss" her. I didn't call her at random times to see how she was unless I NEEDED OR WANTED SOMETHING. I didn't email her. I didn't do the little things that I did when our relationship was young. I didn't spend time with her. We never saw each other. We never did anything together. We existed to work, raise kids, f*ck, and go to sleep, and as a result it left a giant gaping void within her that I just didn't understand. From my perspective I was meeting her needs, but at the end of the day all I was doing was TAKING what *I* wanted and thinking that that was what she wanted too!

Understand?

By the time I realized this, it was far too late. I couldn't salvage the relationship even if I wanted to. Hell, I even tried. I even tried to show her that I had changed, but we had reached the breaking point and she had a firmer grip on the next branch than she did on my branch, so she let go.

I'm telling you, you need to remember the little things. Remember what used to be good. You gotta listen. You gotta make time for each other, but you also gotta make time to have your own seperate lives as well!

Until you realize these things, you will continue spiralling towards a failed marriage, a nasty divorce, and a mountain of regret that will take months to get over.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Men are attracted to women physically - this is a must for an erection!!!!! Women don't need this erection - just open your legs - how hard is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rejection of sex to the husband is a modern day happening and rooted in the feminist movement -- her duty is to be a wife -- period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! End of discussion - no negotiation, no therapy, no Oprah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her to get her shyt together or leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now women get depressed after they have a baby!!! WTF!!!! This is feminist conditioning - it is all about the "self"!!! She is selfish - it is about her happiness and not yours!!!!

This is not natural!!!! She has a mental problem or is thinking about leaving!!!

 

[lookyoung]

Men are attracted to women physically - this is a must for an erection!!!!! Women don't need this erection - just open your legs - how hard is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rejection of sex to the husband is a modern day happening and rooted in the feminist movement -- her duty is to be a wife -- period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! End of discussion - no negotiation, no therapy, no Oprah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her to get her shyt together or leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now women get depressed after they have a baby!!! WTF!!!! This is feminist conditioning - it is all about the "self"!!! She is selfish - it is about her happiness and not yours!!!!

This is not natural!!!! She has a mental problem or is thinking about leaving!!!

I can guarantee this is the best advice you will ever get for this thread.:yes:

 

[Throttle]

ltrguy>> absorb everything vypros wrote, b/c i've also been there and done that, and I think his giving your marriage 18 months is on the very generous side. you have a very short time to make change happen until the downward spiral becomes inevitable.

vyp>> your post is so depressingly familiar I could have written it myself.

lms>> your last line is correct, his woman is on the way out the door or mental (quite possibly both). but the rest of your post is garbage, and no amount of exclamation points can change that.

 

[Latinoman]

Once again...how old is she?

 

[LTR_guy]

she's 41 Latinoman

 

[joekerr31]

ok, heres my simple evaluation of the situation.

at 41 people tend to look back on their life and start evaluating. i mean, shes gotten a job, gotten married, had the kids, etc.

all the EXCITING things are done.

she use to lay awake at night in her youth wondering who shed marry, fantasize about having kids, etc. - now its all reality and reality is never as exciting as the fantasy.

odds are the same thing has happened to you too. your own words suggest that when you say 'if it weren't for the kids i'd probably have left a long time ago."

so, ultimately the problem here is that you are each feeling somewhat down on where you are in life. it doesnt mean you dont care about each other, you're just stuck in a daily routine with no youthful exhuberance for the future (thinking that its just going to be more of the same, day in and day out).

my advice to YOU is to recognize that there probably isn't much you can do about her - its almost impossible to change another person (a huge mistake most afcs in here make).

the solution however though is to forget about her for the time being and start focusing on you. become excited about life again. treat your kids well, compliment your wife on how she looks (without the intention of getting in her pants), take up new hobbies (start reading about buddhism, start planning your retirement, start planning a trip you want to take in 5 years, etc.).

heres the thing with marriage, its wayyyyy to easy for both parties to sink to their shared lowest common denominator.

they key is for you to become a lightening rod of positive emotions. you gotta get up and love life every day, even if those around you are kind of just going through the motions. they can do that if they want, but you dont have to.

something very very unique happens when one does this. those people who are going through the motions suddenly become jealous - why is HE having such a good time, why is HE so damn happy, why can't I be that happy.

at which point they start to think - "if i can get closer to HIS world i'll start feeling the way HE does". what you've just created is ATTRACTION.

it might take a couple of months, but aside from the benefits you will get from thinking and behaving positively, she'll also be ripping your pants off in no time.

in your situation, as in 99.9% of situations, someone has to be the bigger man and start fixing the problem on their own first. and the first thing you gotta do is recognize that the best chance of fixing this scenario is to become positive, excited and happy with your life - even if she presently is not! when she believes in your positive attitude, believes that 'you know something, life ain't so bad. in fact, most of what's making not so fun is my own bloody attitude!", thats when you'll see her voluntarily start thinking positively as well.

anyway, give it a shot and see what happens. worst case scenario you're kids will love having a positive, love life kind of dad.

 

[Latinoman]

she's 41 Latinoman

She might actually be near menopause or already menopausing. Women menopause = CONSIDERABLY lack of sexual desire (or ZERO sexual desire).

 

[wayword]

She might actually be near menopause or already menopausing. Women menopause = CONSIDERABLY lack of sexual desire (or ZERO sexual desire).

Unfortunately, due to her Americanization, she is likely going to blame her problems on HIM instead of herself or natural biology (where it belongs) - and seek answers in another man's kawk instead...

 

[joekerr31]

yes, someone has used the term 'kawk'. thats my new buzz spelling for the year.

the reality is almost always the only thing you can really control is yourself.

one of the problems with couples therapy is that its multi-layered with complexity.

it tries to address

- her problems
- your problems
- the problems you have together
- the problems that arise as you:
- fix your problems
- she fixes her problems
- and you fix yoru shared problems together

damn, lots of room for ongoing confusion.

the best way to start to fix things is to just fix your problems.

wayne dyer is an excellent recommendation. if you can find a place to download some alan watts he's another great guy who puts life in its greater perspective and leaves you jazzed to be living.

anyway, in my 32 years on this planet i've come to the conclusion that 90% of the problems out there can be fixed by a positive attitude.

you see, when you have a positive attidue and love yourself and your life, and respect both as well, one of two things will happen:

1) the people around you will get on board and join you for the ride
2) the people around you will try to drag you down

in the first scenario, fantastic. in the second scenario, time to cut loose.

the big problem most people have is that they DONT love their life or themselves. and because of this, when others knock them down, or keep them in the dumps, they think nothing of it.

but when you find your mojo, your zest for life, you don't even have to really think that hard to make the right decisions. suddenly the right decision in any given situation is VERY easy to make - its whatever decision leads to your continued happiness.

but like i say, so many people dont have happiness to start that they make their decisions on trying to GET it from others. BIG BIG BIG mistake. you gotta have it to start with, everything else just leads to hardship.

 

[squirrels]

Were the kids intentional? Or accidents?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Recently I’ve been reading about the importance of Interest Levels in attraction and how useful a skill it is to accurately make assessments of interest in inter-gender communications when in the field. Ross Jefferies and David D’Angelo continually press upon the need for determining IL and quantify it in percentage points as well as qualifying it under varying circumstance. However, IL remains this nebulous X factor that qualifies or disqualifies a man from for a woman’s intimacy. I’ve read long discourses on ways to raise IL (such as establishing rapport) or techniques in maintaining IL over the course of an LTR, but hardly a word on what determines IL from the outset.

In my counseling I never advocate becoming a woman’s friend and then attempting to move to intimacy. Social conditioning has taught most women that the “friendship route” should be the best way to become intimate with a man, yet as we’ve experienced more often than not that this ‘safe route’ is rarely the one that leads to a lasting intimacy. We constantly hear women (and now men unfortunately) parrot the same response of becoming ‘friends first’ and then shifting to more intimate relations. In my own estimation this is yet another psycho-social convention effectively used by women in their sexual selection process; the latent purpose of which is meant to determine sexual acceptability while retaining the man’s attention (something she seeks for affirmation purposes). The problem with this line of reasoning is that this very convention diffuses what I call the Desire Dynamic – a necessary ingredient in any relationship, LTR or otherwise.

Think back to the experiences you’ve had in clubs or other social occasions where you’ve met a woman with whom you simply ‘clicked’. As some will attest, this initial ‘chemical reaction’ to each other is an overpowering physical passion (some would say lust). Some may result in a ONS, others may be the start of an LTR, but the result isn’t what I’m onto here, it’s that the desire is there. IL is simply a quantification of basic desire. Some of the hottest, most spontaneous sexual encounters we have are the result of this primary desire.

It should be noted that some guys may have never experienced this and will readily call attention to the lack of ever having experiences such as this and have in fact turned their female friends into lovers. In these instances there is still a basic desire, but not to the chemical reaction degree as I’ve stated above. Mitigating factors may exist in these instances where a friend becomes the ‘lover of second choice’ or the guy’s game is such that he’s never had the occasion to experience it. All exceptions aside, the desire for one another must exist and the degree to which it does will determine the quality of that experience or that relationship.

In their initial assessment of IL, I’ll have to agree with Jefferies and D’Angelo so far that determining the intensity of a woman’s interest is a determining factor in becoming intimate. However, I think that an even more important skill for a man to develop is accurately assessing IL through the course of a relationship as well, and developing techniques with which to maintain it. Most men generally complain of a lack of desire on the part of their wives after marriage. Things ‘cool off’ and the real desire declines on her part. Through routine, convenience or any number of other factors the passion both had in the beginning is traded for security with her and the convenience of a regular sex partner for him. Both make concessions for each other in order to maintain what has now become comfortable. But the problem with desire is that it is necessarily uncomfortable, it is non-routine and spontaneous. The butterflies in her stomach are there because she isn’t in control of her circumstance – a security she would otherwise strive for. I can’t tell of the countless articles I’ve read by women attempting to explain why men cheat on their spouses/girlfriends, but none of them address this basic desire principle. Rather it’s explained as a man’s biological imperative to seek variety in his breeding selection, and while there is some merit to this, I would argue that what a man seeks in his infidelity is a return to this degree of passion. His need to experience this desire becomes such that he will seek it outside of marriage if the opportunity permits. And I shouldn’t limit this strictly to men; women are equally affected by this principle.

Many times I’ve counseled married men after they or their wives have been caught in extramarital affairs and pop psychology would have us believe that the two need to “build back the trust they once shared” but, this line of thought, I believe is egregiously in error. It takes no account of any mutually shared desire that the couple had (or didn’t have) prior to the offense. To put it bluntly, if a woman is a dead lay for her husband or a man is so overweight as to not be arousing for his wife, no amount of ‘trust building’ will compensate for a basic lack of desire. It’s not trust that is lacking in failing relationships -it’s desire. Pop culture ignorantly tells us we have to keep things fresh to keep a relationship going: roleplay, go get fashion shots, have a date night and any number of other ideas meant to recapture this passion, yet never is it discussed the lack of desire to do things such as this. I would argue that if a couple needs to recapture this sense of spontaneity and passion, the problem exists in the desire dynamic and may well be past due. Rather I would encourage couples (men in particular) to maintain a constant sense of spontaneity and unpredictability in this regard throughout an LTR.

Holding fast to DJ principles in a marriage or LTR is a good start. DJ skills and ideology (what I call positive masculinity) can serve a man well into marriage so long as the man internalizes them and lives them out. Too many times do AFCs use methodologies and formulae to acquire the woman of his choosing only to settle into ‘getting comfortable’ in a relationship and regress back to being an AFC, because he never internalized the value of being a true DJ. Again a desire for who you were is evident in the woman, but a pale desire (if at all) for who you regress into after you’ve become intimates is a recipe for disaster.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

RATA, in the biology of Desire there are many complex chemical '****tails' our bodies pour into our bloodstreams to illicit specific behaviors. In fact it's not limited to Desire; anger, fear, regret, and most of all jealousy all are prompted response from our own chemical reaction. Yes, there has to be an environmental prompt of course, but our bodies take it from there. Dopamine and Oxytocine are only 2 endorphines/hormones that prompt behavior.

LTR GUY, the short answer is this; You cannot negotiate desire. Desire isn't rational - it's not something you can agree upon with a therapist mitigating your terms for in a counseling session. It's there or it's not. The real tradgedy is when feminized society puts it upon Men to feel it's their responsibility not to be so "shallow" as to place such an importance upon sex that he'd leave his wife and children in order to seek it out. Women marry for security, not for sex; sex becomes an obligation after marriage for women. Men (particularly men with few options) marry to secure a consistent and reliable source of sexual intimacy. These two priorities are almost always at odds. A man must forsake all others in order to live up to his end of the marriage bargain, but even in marriage there is no onus for a woman to be consistently sexual with her husband. This is the great feminine social contrivance of marriage - the option to bait & switch without any social repercusion.

In many years of counseling I've yet to meet the man who told me he was getting more sex after marriage than when he was single (or at the very least after 2 years of marriage). The urgency of desire is simply not the same as when there was a potential for female competition for your provision of security. Now that it's been well established that you will provide that security without any expectation of her reciprocating her intimacy (or at least genuinely and spontaneously so) you have been effectively LJBFed by her with the understanding that you can't, or wont, take any action to challenge this.

 

[Latinoman]

As a man that was married for over a decade (and his ex-wife STILL wants him) and as a man that has been with his girlfriend over one year and she stills desire him...and as a man that had at least 3-4 of his lovers react in similar fashion (Note: MANY others did not have the same 'chemical' stuff, by the way)...I would say that I agree 100% with Rollo. The MOST important determinant factor is that initial (chemical) attraction when that woman first lay eyes on you.

Then it is up to the man to enhance that attraction throughout the years.

 

[d9930380]

Rollo - I agree 100% too, As Chris Rock says "A girlfriend is always auditioning for the part".

However this guy sounds like he was a player so I don't think in this case it applies (Him being an AFC that she settled for). Women are emotional, if she's had a ****ty day or if the two of them have been arguing or if the kids have been playing up then the last thing she wants is sex. Men can just roll on, roll off and go to sleep. And we need it. That's the problem.

The guy should probably try taking her away from the home and the kids and be more romantic HOWEVER.... while that's true to just rely on that is excusing her of any responsibility to him. At the end of the day, that's impractical to do everytime. She has to understand that and LMS is right, it's her duty as a wife to **** him. How would she like it if he just decided to not pay the rent or go to work etc. It's not ALL about her.

 

[Wyldfire]

Since your wife acknowledges the problem and seems to want to try to fix it then I most certainly would not leave. I see several potential problems and I'm going to do my best to spell them out and offer advice that I think can help improve your situation.

First...falling into a set routine that is the same day in and day out leads to stagnation and boredom. It sounds as if your life lacks any excitement or interesting elements to it (your life together, not individually). While raising children and meeting your responsibilities are very important...so is maintaining your relationship. Someone needs to lead your relationship and it sounds as if both of you are sitting on your hands waiting for someone else to do it for you (her for you, you for her and both of you for a therapist). You can't do that. It doesn't sound like the problem is communication or conflict so much as it is that no one is taking the lead to fix the problem. For every action, there is a reaction. You need to take action. Find someone to take care of your children for a weekend. Find a nice, quiet place for the two of you to go and stay...and not just some cheesy motel room. Find a bed and breakfast with character and romantic atmosphere. Go to a similar place to eat. If you live near water...try to find a place by the water...and just relax with each other, do some sight seeing and spend time just the two of you.

You've also got to stop pleading and begging for sex. Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy begging for sex. The woman knows it has nothing to do with her...and it's all about your physical needs. She needs to feel like it is HER you desire...not just the act itself. If you're focused on the act itself (as begging implies) then the woman is going to feel kinda like a piece of furniture you climb onto. Huge, huge turn off.

Surprise her once in awhile...in little ways. Walk up to her and kiss her neck when she's doing the dishes or making dinner and tell her you love her or she's beautiful or whatever...and then WALK AWAY without trying to make it lead to sex. Those little gestures go a very long way in sending a woman the message that it is HER you desire and not just sex.

Another possibility is that she could be depressed. That will cause a person to lose interest in sex. However, any depression could also be linked to feeling like you guys are in a rut.

Basically...a woman can't just turn her desire for sex on and off...and women are not like men in that it often takes little more than a warm breeze to get them in the mood. With women, desire for sex is linked mostly to two things...whether or not she feels sexy and whether or not she feels loved/desired. Your actions can lead to her reacting in the way you want...but in order to do that you actually need to put some thought into it and make certain not to act in a way that causes her to react in ways you don't want her to. That's a mistake you're making right now. If you beg and pressure her for sex, she will react as if it is a chore and chores are not fun or pleasant. You've made the mistake so many men make...your begging, pleading, pushing, arguing and anger has caused her to associate sex with unpleasant things. You can change it...but it's going to take some time and work and self control on your part. You have to stop behaving in a way that makes her associate the mere mention of the subject of sex to remind her of arguing and conflict,etc. Do the things I suggested while not pursuing sex at all. Walk away at times you get the urge to push. Her natural reaction will be to initiate sex herself. It shouldn't take any longer than a couple of weeks if you put real effort into it.

 

[Wyldfire]

She might actually be near menopause or already menopausing. Women menopause = CONSIDERABLY lack of sexual desire (or ZERO sexual desire).

I'm a healthy 41 year old woman as well...and most women don't start menopause until 50ish or later. It's unlikely it's early menopause. Just based on what he's posted it's pretty clear that the problem isn't that she can't get turned on...she's being turned off. He can fix it, but he needs to change his thinking and get proactive.

 

[joekerr31]

You've also got to stop pleading and begging for sex. Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy begging for sex. The woman knows it has nothing to do with her...and it's all about your physical needs. She needs to feel like it is HER you desire...not just the act itself. If you're focused on the act itself (as begging implies) then the woman is going to feel kinda like a piece of furniture you climb onto. Huge, huge turn off.

Surprise her once in awhile...in little ways. Walk up to her and kiss her neck when she's doing the dishes or making dinner and tell her you love her or she's beautiful or whatever...and then WALK AWAY without trying to make it lead to sex. Those little gestures go a very long way in sending a woman the message that it is HER you desire and not just sex.

first - for men sex is all about our p hysical needs. if i want to kiss and cuddle thats fine, but sex is about wam bam thank you mam for most guys. sure, we go through the soft and tender moments while love making, but only so we can pound the pudding out of ya.

second - why is this all about HIM making these so called "little gestures". no offence but thats a load of elephant sh*t. women need to STOP making the problem all the mans fault and making it all his responsibility to fix.

wylde, what you just described is the 'princess' syndrome. kiss her *ss and MAYBE she'll reward you with sex, unless she feels ugly that day, then shoo go away.

most women, for some idiotic reason, think its their husbands job to bow at their pedastle until they feel like a princess again.

F*CK that.

i still say do what i said to do. focus on being happy with yourself and with life. let her be an asexual grump if she wants - that doesn't mean YOU have.

trust me, if you start living life despite her attitude the within two weeks she will think 'SH*T, if i don't stop acting like the ice queen he's going to hook up with some floozy." and she'll also think "Look at him. how can i say HE'S the problem, he's mister sunshine. man, what is wrong with ME?"

be kind to her. be nice to her. kiss her on the neck while shes doing the dishes (if YOU want to) - but do all those thing ONLY if they are a part of YOU being happy.

and if you treat her nicely and she punishes you for it (yes, women do do this), then just place less attention on her and go out and play a round of golf or something. come home with a big smile on your face.

and if she gets pissed that you went to play golf, then decide its a nice night to go for a walk and invite her. when she declines (because shes pissed) then go for one on your own. trust me, at SOME point she'll wake up and realize shes behaving like a brat. at which point she'll either cheat on you to hurt you OR she'll grow up and everything will be fine.

but personally i think wylde's advice ain't the way to go.

oh one other thing. as you become mr. sunshine theres a chance she will try to drag you down in to her crap. its critical that you never let her do this. you gotta stay upbeat.

and i know that part of you would like her to support YOU. but guess what, it aint going to happen. women dont know how to support men - sad but true. they think they do, but they just dont in general. so accept that its up to you to save you - its up to YOU to be happy because of YOU, NOT her.

 

[Wyldfire]

first - for men sex is all about our p hysical needs. if i want to kiss and cuddle thats fine, but sex is about wam bam thank you mam for most guys. sure, we go through the soft and tender moments while love making, but only so we can pound the pudding out of ya.

Love and affection is to women what sex is to men. Both are basic core needs in a relationship. It has to be mutual...if the man is not fulfilling his wife's core needs then he isn't justified in complaining when she doesn't meet his. For a LTR of any kind to work and last, BOTH the man and the woman needs to fulfill the basic needs of the other. When one stops doing their part the other person typically stops doing their part as well. Whether he stopped doing his part first or in reaction to her stopping doing her part is irrelevant. If he wants to fix it he needs to do something different. I'm trying to tell him ways he can do that.

second - why is this all about HIM making these so called "little gestures". no offence but thats a load of elephant sh*t. women need to STOP making the problem all the mans fault and making it all his responsibility to fix.

Why him? Simple...he is the one here asking for advice. If it were her who were here asking I would have told her what SHE could do to lead their relationship out of the rut it's in. I'm offering practical advice. Me telling him what his wife could or should do isn't a solution...it's just encouraging him NOT to take action and to wait for her to figure out how to lead them out of the rut. What good would that do? None. He is here, not her...so my advice is going to be all about what he can do differently.

wylde, what you just described is the 'princess' syndrome. kiss her *ss and MAYBE she'll reward you with sex, unless she feels ugly that day, then shoo go away.

I didn't tell him to kiss her ass. I told him to show her through small gestures that take less than 5 seconds and very little effort on his part....and to NOT connect them to his pursuit of sex. He needs to stop making sex a negatively charged topic in his home. It should be a positive and pleasant subject, and right now, it's not. If a few small gestures shown to the woman he claims to love is too much effort than he should not have married in the first place.

most women, for some idiotic reason, think its their husbands job to bow at their pedastle until they feel like a princess again.

And most men, for some idiotic reason, think it's their wife's job to lay down and spread her legs for him to mount like a bicycle until they feel like a stud again

See how silly and unfair that sounds? The point is...a marriage is between TWO people. Both people have needs that must be met for the marriage to be happy. One's needs are not more or less important than the other's. This doesn't sound like a case of him putting forth all the effort and her putting forth none to meet each other's core needs. It's a case of BOTH of them not putting forth the effort. Now, we can argue all night about placing blame but that solves nothing. He's the one here and there ARE things he can do that can turn things around. I'm telling him what can work that HE can do because HE is the one I'm talking to. I'm not "picking sides"...complaining, blaming or focusing on what she is doing wrong is a waste of time and energy because she's not here.

F*CK that.

i still say do what i said to do. focus on being happy with yourself and with life. let her be an asexual grump if she wants - that doesn't mean YOU have.

trust me, if you start living life despite her attitude the within two weeks she will think 'SH*T, if i don't stop acting like the ice queen he's going to hook up with some floozy." and she'll also think "Look at him. how can i say HE'S the problem, he's mister sunshine. man, what is wrong with ME?"

It kinda sounds like he's been doing that for a bit as much as his time permits and nothing has changed.

 

[joekerr31]

come off it. your advice was basically...

your wife is upset start showing her more attention.

if we use your logic that attention for a woman is like sex to a man, then that's the equivalent of giving a woman the advice of "spread your legs for him and see if that makes him care about you more."

give me a break!

the guy is in THERAPY! how many guys would do that for their wife? sounds to me like he's already doing everything he can.
now hes on here asking for advice as well. your solution is to try and appease her.

and your 2 cents, right off the bat, is to tell him to start 'winning' her back.

puhhhhhh leeze!

the proper solution is to let her be a baby about life and get on with yours. once she sees that he's done that, she'll pull herself out of the gutter and start living life with him.

this is why guys have to be SOOOOO careful about taking women's advice. 9.9 times out of 10 it sounds perfectly rational, but when you get right down to it it's usually the same old thing wrapped up differently - 'win your woman back by showing her more attention'

man, i really hope that guys on here don't listen to this AFC bullsh*t.