10 year relationship - Wife Lost of sexual desire

[Wyldfire]

I cannot acknowledge that you had a "VERY successful, healthy and wonderful LTR" (my daughter gets into similar relationship and I would consider myself a FAILURE as a parent)...because of three main facts:

1- You have a child with him...but did NOT married him.

2- you were together for over five years...but did NOT married him. (5 years without marrying is WAY too long for people in their 30s; unless none had the intention to marry each other)

3- This is going to sound bad...but I have to be very honest. You described that guy as a brute (e.g. YOUR definition of "alpha"). A man that was in prison and intimidated the custodians and other prisoners. A man which behavior cost him his life. And once again, I say this will all due respect.

I will tell you one thing as a man. A man in his 30s know what he wants. If after 2 years together (and a child) he does not marry you...then you can rest assure that he has little to no desire to marry you. Regardless of what he has told you. He might want to be with you...but NOT to marry you. That's my personal experience.

1. I did not have a child with my fiance. I had a child AFTER he died.

2. I was 28 when we got engaged. We did not intend to have any additional children. I already had 3 children and his wife had died before we met. He had 3 children. I was still in the process of being divorced for the first 18 months. It was him who wanted to get married. It didn't matter to me one way or the other. It was ME who postponed getting married. I loved him very much and would never leave him. I just was in no hurry to get married again. I agreed to eventually marry because it was what he really wanted and I was going to formalize it only because it was so important to him.

3. He was NOT a brute. He bench pressed over 500 lbs and was a very big man. He never started anything with anyone...but did not take sh*t from anyone who brought it his way. He had an intimidating PRESENCE because of his size. He was, in reality, a VERY kind and gentle man, great with kids, and well liked by everyone who knew him. He was also extremely confident and spoke his mind. That, in conjunction with his size made people who did not know him fear him. There was no rational reason to fear him, though, unless you did something to him or someone he loved that would warrant him disliking you.

About his death...he bought a car from an acquaintance. I hesitate to call the guy a friend, because they weren't really close. They knew each other and were cordial and had mutual friends, though. My fiance absolutely hated owning anyone money. The guy disappeared for awhile and Pete could not find him to pay him. They ran into each other one day and Pete took the opportunity to try to set up a new arrangement for paying off his debt. Pete was at the guy's house doing some weatherizing and odd jobs when another guy barged in the door and started shooting. Pete was very fast and very strong...he grabbed the guy and knocked the gun out of his hand and was bent over him with the guy pinned to the floor. A second man came in with an assault rifle and shot Pete in the back 3 times, killing him. Pete didn't do anything to cause his death...he was saving other lives. He didn't know a second man was going to barge in and shoot him in the back.

I learned after Pete's death that the man who he bought the car from had slept with the wife of the guy who barged in shooting first. They had been going back and forth seeking revenge on each other for a year or better. Pete had no knowledge of any of it. I also found out that the same guy got a call from the woman's husband the night before that he was going to come over and "settle things" once and for all. Pete was never told about this phone call. The guy purposely sought him out because Pete was so big, strong and fast and was such a GOOD person that he knew Pete would protect him. He also knew that Pete would not pass up the ability to pay off a debt because of his sense of pride. Pete died because he was an honorable man, not because he was a "brute" (he was no such thing...he just LOOKED like one).

Perhaps by clarifying the truth here (instead of what trolls and flamers post) you might better understand why I react as I do when anyone says something bad about Pete. He was a WONDERFUL man and I am just as devoted and loyal to his memory as I was to him when he was alive.

 

[Latinoman]

I stand corrected in number 1.

I can now see number 2.

Now...why was he in prison for? I am curious about that.

His death was a "be at the wrong place at the wrong time" and it was unfortunate as I would have probably reacted the same way.

 

[Wyldfire]

I stand corrected in number 1.

I can now see number 2.

Now...why was he in prison for? I am curious about that.

His death was a "be at the wrong place at the wrong time" and it was unfortunate as I would have probably reacted the same way.

He was an alcoholic (he was 3 years seriously into AA when I met him) who was still a generous and kind person. There was a young couple with the wife being pregnant who were homeless. He took them in because he had a huge heart. He was by no means a perfect angel, and was not above getting drunk and doing stupid things when drinking. The young guy suggested one night after they had been drinking that they go to a junkyard and siphon some gas. He had just moved to Vermont from Mass. and was not at all familiar with the area. The younger guy led him to the junkyard and Pete was out in the yard siphoning gas. The other guy with him disappeared. Pete heard some loud noise in one of the buildings and went to see what it was. He walked into an open door where the noise had come from and walked in on the other guy standing over a man on the floor, bleeding from his head with a bloody baseball bat and blood all over his shirt. Pete had no idea anyone lived there and had no idea what the other guy had planned. He saw blue lights and ran, leaving the guy with the bat behind. When the guy who committed the assault got caught he blamed it all on Pete, and he was arrested.

Apparently the younger guy had tried to return a muffler he didn't get from the guy at the junkyard and get his money back. The guy wouldn't give him a refund so he wanted revenge. He lived in a shack that didn't look like a house. The victim testified that he only saw Pete for a split second after the assault had occurred and that Pete never touched him. While on bail, Pete got scared and ran. It was stupid to do, and he expected that he would be cleared when the facts came out. He didn't want to be separated from his family over an assault that he didn't commit or know would happen. Running was stupid, no doubt.

Vermont charges people present at violent crimes equally, regardless of guilt. Pete had made a plea agreement with the prosecutor that would have given him a year and restitution. He felt horrible about what happened to the man who was assaulted and felt responsible because he didn't stop it (even though he couldn't have). The judge wanted to make an example of him and refused to accept the plea agreement but would not allow Pete to withdraw his plea. He was given a 7 to 22 year sentence. He served about 6 years before making parole. During his time he helped develop and intensive rehab program and became a peer substance abuse counselor in the program. After getting out he won a case against the state for not being allowed to change his plea when the judge would not accept the plea agreement. The priest that served the prison he was in drove over 3 hours in a blizzard to deliver Pete's eulogy. He delivered that eulogy with tears running down his face, often pausing from being to choked up to speak. Prison guards went to his funeral. Case workers went to his funeral. He was very much loved and was the most amazing and greatest human being I ever have had the pleasure to know. All who knew him loved him.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

It doesn't offer a solution to the current problem, though. When a marriage is a mess and damage has been done you can't just wake up one day and inform your partner that you have all these expectations you are placing on them and think it's going to be well-received.

I think it does offer a resolution. I hope it gives LTR_guy encouragement to begin to lead in his relationship. I hope it encourages him to evaluate the balance in his household and family. I hope he looks to see in what areas he and his wife trust each other and rely on each other and what areas they don't. I hope he sees the importance of a healthy centered self and the importance of he and his wife maintaining that.

He states at one time he played music, why did he stop? What has his wife given up? Why all the sacrifices? Even with children, I can still teach evening exercise courses and my husband can still be active with his sports and hobbies. Children thrive under routine, it is very healthy for them. This same routine can give parents some freedoms too.

In no way did I mean LTR_guy should awaken and act the dictator or tyrant but stirring the still and calm waters would do no harm either.

As is, his marriage will continue to erode and finally wash away, but delving into trust and expectations, by being bold enough to take the reigns, he can dam up the vacuum and begin to rebuild.

LTR-guy - I wish it were as simple as finding a magic elixir or popping a pill. No one is going to be able to say, "do this and she will molest you every night" and I do not believe the problem has to be specifically diagnosed in order reach for enlightenment and betterment.

 

[Throttle]

Hate to tell you this but in many marriages which aren't working it's the wives who initially feel it's their fault. That lasts until months or even years of her trying to make adjustments on her own without anything getting better.

Eventually she gets fed up and "out of the blue" she seemingly goes off the deep end ranting about how the marriage sucks. The guy is surprised because it seemed that everything was alright or worse yet he accepted what she had first told him that it wasn't him.

this describes the man's perspective in every divorce i've been around. guys interested in marriage (and avoiding divorce) would be well-served by paying attention to this!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

this describes the man's perspective in every divorce i've been around. guys interested in marriage (and avoiding divorce) would be well-served by paying attention to this!

Which reminds me, the reason why some women seem to be steadfast on going through the divorce while men wonder "why?" is because the woman has already emotionally divorced her husband long before asking for a legal divorce.

 

[Wyldfire]

I think it does offer a resolution. I hope it gives LTR_guy encouragement to begin to lead in his relationship. I hope it encourages him to evaluate the balance in his household and family. I hope he looks to see in what areas he and his wife trust each other and rely on each other and what areas they don't. I hope he sees the importance of a healthy centered self and the importance of he and his wife maintaining that.

He states at one time he played music, why did he stop? What has his wife given up? Why all the sacrifices? Even with children, I can still teach evening exercise courses and my husband can still be active with his sports and hobbies. Children thrive under routine, it is very healthy for them. This same routine can give parents some freedoms too.

In no way did I mean LTR_guy should awaken and act the dictator or tyrant but stirring the still and calm waters would do no harm either.

As is, his marriage will continue to erode and finally wash away, but delving into trust and expectations, by being bold enough to take the reigns, he can dam up the vacuum and begin to rebuild.

LTR-guy - I wish it were as simple as finding a magic elixir or popping a pill. No one is going to be able to say, "do this and she will molest you every night" and I do not believe the problem has to be specifically diagnosed in order reach for enlightenment and betterment.

If it were only that simple...

You're blessed with a healthy relationship and marriage where you and your husband have not allowed problems to fester and go unattended for long periods of time. It really takes experiencing a bad relationship or marriage to fully understand the dynamics of dysfunction. Once a problem is left to fester it causes very deep hurt that is very difficult, if even possible, to overcome.

In order for LTR_guy to be able to build the kind of relationship you described with his wife the pain must be overcome. You can't build a healthy and functional relationship on top of pain, resentment and years of dysfunction.

You can't build that kind of relationship when the woman's sexual desire left the building and was later pummeled with angry and hurtful words. She doesn't trust him emotionally and she won't until they address that damage and he earns back that emotional trust.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

It is sad the LTR-guy is gone. His last activity was 4/18/07. I only have to think that it was when the bickering all began. It is the reason I didn’t post until now. He’s just one of many that come here to seek some assistance and what does he get, a bunch of ninny baby whining. Great.

Wyld, I post directly to LTR_guy, even included HIS screen name in the first sentence of my post. I did it not ONLY to direct my words to him and his issue at hand BUT to exclude my post to others.

Why do you insist on running up and down every thread and acting the hall monitor? Why to see the need to contradict, correct, object and challenge every other participant on any thread? Focus on the OP, state your advice to the poster and ignore all others, everyone has the right to their own opinions and advices.

I know you have no respect or care for any man, your constant disrespect for the men here is both uncalled for and frankly, it embarrasses me while you try to sound off for “all women”. Never, never speak for me and never speak of my post. I offer respect to posters to take or leave my words at their own judgment.

This may come as a surprise but men do have brains, men can post a thread and actually use his own discretion to decide what is or isn’t applicable to his life! Amazing, isn’t it? You are not needed as a moderator, a mother, a monitor, or a referee. It is extremely degrading the way you try to control and steer every thread.

If I came on a thread and told a man that the sky is purple DON’T insult him by calling me out, he knows the freaking sky isn’t purple and doesn’t need a monitor to tell him so. Your contempt and impertinence is shameful.

You have over 8000 post and I would bet 85% of them is nothing more then running up and down and telling other advisors how they are wrong and it is only your way. And I guarantee you that every relationship that you’ve had has ended when the man didn’t say “yes dear” fast enough.

Suggestion to you: Read the words of the OP, post your advice, then go away.

I have life experiences and knowledge I base my words and thoughts on and you have no right to come here and say your words are all that matter. Maybe I’ve steered clear of ex-cons, ex-druggies, and men that hold up in places of home invaders, damn, I’ve really missed out and maybe don’t collect child support from a couple of different men or have an 18 year old that’s knocked up, what an empty life I’ve lead.

What I do know is that men can think for themselves and men can decide what is best suited for them. I also know my more submissive, traditional and non-feministic views go against every grain of your man hating being. I will offer of MYSELF and MY beliefs at MY own discretion and will share MY views openly. I TRUST and EXPECT men to live up to their fullest potential, I won’t talk down to them nor will I think for them. Believe it or not, men can be accountable creatures.

Paradox, Cesare Cardinali, Desdinova, Rollo Tomassi, why? You owe LTR_guy a reason for the lack of productivity and the control that was taken from him. You owe all the posters that have hit and missed.

Wyld, now run off and start another thread about you leaving or pull up one of your old ones and get your ego stroked, I am finished with you.

 

[Throttle]

Which reminds me, the reason why some women seem to be steadfast on going through the divorce while men wonder "why?" is because the woman has already emotionally divorced her husband long before asking for a legal divorce.

BINGO!

 

[Wyldfire]

It is sad the LTR-guy is gone. His last activity was 4/18/07. I only have to think that it was when the bickering all began. It is the reason I didn’t post until now. He’s just one of many that come here to seek some assistance and what does he get, a bunch of ninny baby whining. Great.

Wyld, I post directly to LTR_guy, even included HIS screen name in the first sentence of my post. I did it not ONLY to direct my words to him and his issue at hand BUT to exclude my post to others.

Why do you insist on running up and down every thread and acting the hall monitor? Why to see the need to contradict, correct, object and challenge every other participant on any thread? Focus on the OP, state your advice to the poster and ignore all others, everyone has the right to their own opinions and advices.

I know you have no respect or care for any man, your constant disrespect for the men here is both uncalled for and frankly, it embarrasses me while you try to sound off for “all women”. Never, never speak for me and never speak of my post. I offer respect to posters to take or leave my words at their own judgment.

This may come as a surprise but men do have brains, men can post a thread and actually use his own discretion to decide what is or isn’t applicable to his life! Amazing, isn’t it? You are not needed as a moderator, a mother, a monitor, or a referee. It is extremely degrading the way you try to control and steer every thread.

If I came on a thread and told a man that the sky is purple DON’T insult him by calling me out, he knows the freaking sky isn’t purple and doesn’t need a monitor to tell him so. Your contempt and impertinence is shameful.

You have over 8000 post and I would bet 85% of them is nothing more then running up and down and telling other advisors how they are wrong and it is only your way. And I guarantee you that every relationship that you’ve had has ended when the man didn’t say “yes dear” fast enough.

Suggestion to you: Read the words of the OP, post your advice, then go away.

I have life experiences and knowledge I base my words and thoughts on and you have no right to come here and say your words are all that matter. Maybe I’ve steered clear of ex-cons, ex-druggies, and men that hold up in places of home invaders, damn, I’ve really missed out and maybe don’t collect child support from a couple of different men or have an 18 year old that’s knocked up, what an empty life I’ve lead.

What I do know is that men can think for themselves and men can decide what is best suited for them. I also know my more submissive, traditional and non-feministic views go against every grain of your man hating being. I will offer of MYSELF and MY beliefs at MY own discretion and will share MY views openly. I TRUST and EXPECT men to live up to their fullest potential, I won’t talk down to them nor will I think for them. Believe it or not, men can be accountable creatures.

Paradox, Cesare Cardinali, Desdinova, Rollo Tomassi, why? You owe LTR_guy a reason for the lack of productivity and the control that was taken from him. You owe all the posters that have hit and missed.

Wyld, now run off and start another thread about you leaving or pull up one of your old ones and get your ego stroked, I am finished with you.

LTR_guy hasn't responded because he hasn't logged on since before noon time on the 18th.

And don't EVEN try to blame me for the "bickering". If he follows the advice of most of the guys here he will find himself in divorce court in short order.

Okay, I have humored your multiple Ids long enough...

And for God's sake stop pretending to be a woman when anyone with half a clue KNOWS you are wayword pretending to be a woman...both IDs always post right up each other's butts...same person, quite obviously. Same writing style, same points and same incessant need make passive aggressive digs towards me. You're so ridiculously transparent...

 

[Wyldfire]

SPEECHLESS. STANDING OVATION!!! :cheer::rockon:

Wyldfire, please swallow your pride and take some notes from this fine example of a functional woman whose life choices and mature actions speak even louder than her words. Honestly, proof is in the pudding... Relationships don't have to be that complicated.

All your advice is typically geared towards telling men to do more to fix things. But, it's a 2-way street, hun. And often the problem is 1-way from the woman. But if women respect and give to men, they will be respected and given back. BLP is living proof.

And YOU and "Pixie" are the same person...as the mods will discover if they just look at the IP address on each post.

If you are going to try to troll with a second ID you need to change your style, posts and behavior between the two ID's douchebag...

 

[wayword]

Okay, I have humored your multiple Ids long enough...

And for God's sake stop pretending to be a woman when anyone with half a clue KNOWS you are wayword pretending to be a woman...both IDs always post right up each other's butts...same person, quite obviously. Same writing style, same points and same incessant need make passive aggressive digs towards me. You're so ridiculously transparent...

And YOU and "Pixie" are the same person...as the mods will discover if they just look at the IP address on each post.

If you are going to try to troll with a second ID you need to change your style, posts and behavior between the two ID's douchebag...

:crackup:

Did it ever occur to you that maybe we all actually have some valid points and you're the one who needs to re-examine your headspace? Or is that just so remote a possibility in your mind that you must propose some ridiculous "conspiracy theory" to explain it to yourself?

You were wrong on Cho because you projected your biases before waiting for the facts. You are wrong again here because you are blinded by your own ego. You take such pride in being a "strong, alpha" woman, but perhaps that is part of your downfall? Try a little humble pie sometime, you might like it...

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

Not even worth a response Wayward - let it go.

Set the example toward productivity and constructiveness.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Ah, another catharsis thread for WYLD and another flame thread for WAYWORD,..oh well,..

Like PIXIE said, the original thread poster hasn't been on since 4-18.

Thread Closed.