10 year relationship - Wife Lost of sexual desire

[Bourne]

come off it. your advice was basically...

your wife is upset start showing her more attention.

if we use your logic that attention for a woman is like sex to a man, then that's the equivalent of giving a woman the advice of "spread your legs for him and see if that makes him care about you more."

give me a break!

the guy is in THERAPY! how many guys would do that for their wife? sounds to me like he's already doing everything he can.
now hes on here asking for advice as well. your solution is to try and appease her.

and your 2 cents, right off the bat, is to tell him to start 'winning' her back.

puhhhhhh leeze!

the proper solution is to let her be a baby about life and get on with yours. once she sees that he's done that, she'll pull herself out of the gutter and start living life with him.

this is why guys have to be SOOOOO careful about taking women's advice. 9.9 times out of 10 it sounds perfectly rational, but when you get right down to it it's usually the same old thing wrapped up differently - 'win your woman back by showing her more attention'

man, i really hope that guys on here don't listen to this AFC bullsh*t.

 

[Wyldfire]

If he blames it all on his wife and does nothing to try to fix the problem then he WILL get divorced.

At this point, him going out and having other interests is not going to suddenly make him more appealing to her. She will view that as him not caring about her enough to work on their relationship...and it will cause resentment. It will add to the problem.

If he doesn't stop behaving in a way that makes the idea of sex bring about negative feelings and start doing something to make her desire sex with him again they will end up divorced and that is not what he wants.

 

[joekerr31]

ahhh and out comes the victimization card.

he goes to therapy - not good enough.

he tries to enjoy life - BETRAYAL!

boo hoo boo hoo - waaaahh waaaaah. pay attention to me or im going to throw my baby food all over the wall.

ok, im exaggerating a bit here. but lets be real - you're telling him to start paying more attention to her so that she won't perceive him as not caring (even though the dude obviously DOES care and has even gone to therapy to show it).

so just how low do you want him to kneel before she begins to feel like shes on a pedastle again?

anyway, im not saying he become an insensitive prick. im not saying he ignore his wife. im not saying he NOT be supportive. (you're turning my reasonable stance in to a manufacturered extreme).\

but i am saying the dude has to first get excited and happy about life again on his own and she will come around.

 

[arvind]

* Girlfriends love it (sex).
* Wives enjoy it.
* Mothers can take it or leave it.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

People, Wyld is basing her solution off of what HE did to turn his wife off.
Yes, it's a fact, when you come at your girlfriend/wife in a way that you just want SEX period, it will turn her off. We're built differently. You can argue against this reality all you want, but that's how it is. She needs to feel appreciated and loved. That's HER need. Women will always have that need!

Wyld is on point as far as what he needs to do. He needs to correct what HE did wrong. As far as the wife's concerned. She's not here.

Try petting your cat the wrong way. Your cat loves you, but keep petting it the wrong way everyday all the time! See how it treats you.

 

[Last Man Standing]

.I would say that I agree 100% with Rollo. The MOST important determinant factor is that initial (chemical) attraction when that woman first lay eyes on you.

Then it is up to the man to enhance that attraction throughout the years.

This advice is in serious error!!! Sadly, most chumps here believe this shyt!!! Men are not made to entertain and make woman happy!!!!! It is the Woman's job to keep the man satisfied and happy if he is to stay with her!! You bastards are in the Homo/Hor Matrix!!!!!!!!!! Wake up!!!

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I figure happiness should be in balance. Otherwise someone is winning off of someone losing.

 

[sexxyback]

I agree, you bastards are in homo and / or hor matrix.

 

[izza]

i'm much more in control in my emotions.

*Red Flag*

In my experience, when I feel "in control of my emotions" that means "closed." I'm not sure exactly what you mean.

For me, my ex-LTR died the moment I stopped expressing my emotions. What I have only learned recently is that emotions should not be controlled but expressed. And not just expressed any which way, but in a very loving, accepting, humble fashion. Yeah, we all explode (it frightens me how I just explode for no reason in an LTR), but it's good to apologize later.

I realize this is a tough question. I know how tricky this is. Ok, here are a few pointers.

1.) I have to express my emotions to express my sexuality. Once I close my channel of honest communication, the first thing that turns off is my sex drive. Open communication is a must for me.

And a must for open communication is forgiveness, acceptance, love, and understanding. Without these things, say goodbye to sex.

2.)It's ok to masturbate. Sometimes my LTR and I have different needs and different schedules. I like to take the pressure off her and I at the same time. Which brings us to point three.

2.) Sex is about MUTUAL FUN.

I hate it when sex is a favor. Sex is not a favor. It is about mutual fun. If she's not in the mood, I can try to get her in the mood. But if she's not, I have forbade myself from whimpering, pleading, and begging. At all costs, I work to make sure that sex is never a chore.

And if a girl is not in the mood or busy, I express my disappointment AND my acceptance and love at the same time.

I hate the feeling that a girl wants me because she is horny, and doesn't care about my enjoyment. I hate using another human being to masturbate. That feels so wrong to me. I want sex to be about mutual pleasure.

4.) Juggler says:

Focus on other physical favors, and sex flows from there. Do things for her in exchange for a massage.

I can't verify this stuff.

I'm not very experienced, so please don't think I'm giving you advice. I am only speaking from personal experience.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm so afraid I'll go through the same tribulation. It seems to cruel to me that women have less libido than men in general. Can't we all just want sex all the time? Oh well, it's alesson in patience, acceptance and accomodation, that's for sure!!

That sounds like a tough situation. Good for you for trying to find a solution.

My love and best wishes to you,

Izza

 

[JustDoItAlways]

I have NEVER heard of any guy ever fixing this problem permanently.

If any one else has, tell us what he did to fix it.

The only thing I think might actually work is for HER to regain her sexual attraction to you.

What makes women sexually attracted to a guy:

- when the guy is in good shape physically;
- when the guy has status;
- when the guy acts like an alpha male;
- when the guy has other female admirers (and the women are obvious about it);
- when the guy has lots of other things going on besides being at her beck and call;
- when the guy fvcks her hard and properly every time;
- when the guy can take her or leave her;
- when the guy gets her drunk;
- when the guy does manly things like renovating the house, working on an old car in the garage; buying a motorcyle; cutting down huge trees in the yard with a big chainsaw; killing a deer;
- when the guy is a better father than the woman is a mother;
- when the guy exhibits challenge; and,
- when the guys acts like a real man all the time.

You need to do all of this for several months before her sexual attraction for you returns.

 

[STR8UP]

I have NEVER heard of any guy ever fixing this problem permanently.

One of my employeed (who I have known since high school) needs to get this through his head. He's been trying to get his problems resolved with his wife for at least a year or two now. That sh!t AIN'T going away, I'll tell you that.

What makes women sexually attracted to a guy:

- when the guy is in good shape physically;
- when the guy has status;
- when the guy acts like an alpha male;
- when the guy has other female admirers (and the women are obvious about it);
- when the guy has lots of other things going on besides being at her beck and call;
- when the guy fvcks her hard and properly every time;
- when the guy can take her or leave her;
- when the guy gets her drunk;
- when the guy does manly things like renovating the house, working on an old car in the garage; buying a motorcyle; cutting down huge trees in the yard with a big chainsaw; killing a deer;
- when the guy is a better father than the woman is a mother;
- when the guy exhibits challenge; and,
- when the guys acts like a real man all the time.

You need to do all of this for several months before her sexual attraction for you returns.

IF it is still salvageable.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

* Girlfriends love it (sex).
* Wives enjoy it.
* Mothers can take it or leave it.

Thanks for enjoying my post, but I'm still taking credit for it. It's not cool to plagiarize someones word's of wisdom as your own (especially when the originator posted it earlier in the same thread).

 

[Wyldfire]

There is no other situation than one like this that I can be of help to you guys. Most women are simply not able to express the cause of the sex issue in marriage in a way that the husband can really "get". By the time the issue finally does get brought up everyone is angry, hurt and they just can't talk about it without someone reacting badly.

If he can't take the negativity out of the sex issue then there simply is no resolution for this problem. IF he wants a solution that works he has no choice but to ACT now. He has to do a complete turn around in how he is dealing with the issue...which is difficult because he is hurt and angry as well. Up to this point he has been trying to negotiate for sex and you simply cannot negotiate with a woman's desire for intimacy. Negotiation is based on logic and her desire is based on emotion. You guys KNOW that you can't accomplish anything when trying to change emotion with logic...doesn't work. He has to appeal to her emotions, but in a positive way. He's been doing it negatively for awhile.

If he wants to really try to save his marriage he needs to save their sexual relationship. He can only save that if he is able to make her WANT and ENJOY sex. She is not going to want or enjoy it unless she feels loved, appreciated and that it is HER he desires, not just someone to climb on top of and do his business to. I can almost guarantee that is how she feels and I assure you that when a woman feels like that, sex very quickly becomes an unpleasant chore that is no longer fun, but a burden.

The ideas I gave him can change that. He has to provide some intimacy separate from sex and with no expectations of sex to show her that she's more than a warm body to climb onto and get off on.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

The ideas I gave him can change that. He has to provide some intimacy separate from sex and with no expectations of sex to show her that she's more than a warm body to climb onto and get off on.

What (married) guys need to understand that women (especially if they have children) need more emotional intimacy than the typical single woman in order to have good physical intimacy. What guys need to do (as you suggested) is to make those connections without sexual overtones.

Yeah, it's a ton of work but it's like regularly changing the oil in your car in order to keep it running smoothly. Neglect it and it will begin to run like crap because of the buildup of sludge. In order to get its true performance back you need to not only put in new oil but remove the old sludge.

 

[Wyldfire]

What (married) guys need to understand that women (especially if they have children) need more emotional intimacy than the typical single woman in order to have good physical intimacy. What guys need to do (as you suggested) is to make those connections without sexual overtones.

Yeah, it's a ton of work but it's like regularly changing the oil in your car in order to keep it running smoothly. Neglect it and it will begin to run like crap because of the buildup of sludge. In order to get its true performance back you need to not only put in new oil but remove the old sludge.

Exactly...

For some reason many men seem to be under the impression that just marrying a woman, and supporting her is all they have to do...and they ignore the foundation of the marriage...their relationship with their wife. He thinks that all they have to do is work and pay the bills. Those are his FAMILY responsibilities only. At the same time, he expects her to tend to the house, meals and kids..the family responsibilities. On top of that, he expects her to also stay in shape, honor and respect him and give him sex anytime that he wants it...the relationship responsibilities. Many men don't think they have any relationship responsibilities...that just working and paying the bills or helping out if his wife works with the other family responsibilities is enough. He's doing absolutely nothing to meet his wife's relationship needs, nor does he think he is supposed to. That's why the divorce rate is so high. Women are working because in most cases she has to for the family to maintain the lifestyle they want to have. If she feels as if her husband is not putting any effort into their relationship she will start to feel discouraged and it only goes downhill from there. Before long she will lose interest in sex and it will just become yet another chore and burden to her.

If a man is unwilling to put any effort into the actual relationship with the woman then he should not ever get married...because they won't be happy.

 

[izza]

Wyldfire, Francisco,

What personal experience do you have with marriage? Or just long term LTRs.

I'm not asking out of suspicion... I'm sure both of you know what you're talking about. I just do not like abstraction, and I prefer to hear concrete personal experiences.

Thanks guys,

Fo' Shizza

 

[Wyldfire]

Wyldfire, Francisco,

What personal experience do you have with marriage? Or just long term LTRs.

I'm not asking out of suspicion... I'm sure both of you know what you're talking about. I just do not like abstraction, and I prefer to hear concrete personal experiences.

Thanks guys,

Fo' Shizza

I was married for ten years to a man whose treatment of me left me thoroughly disgusted and repulsed at the mere idea of him touching me. I left him in 1994 and have had no problem with sexual desire with any other man, including the man I was with for over 5 years just after leaving my ex husband. When I first married my ex husband there was no problem with my interest in sex. For the first 3 years it was on average 2-3 times a day every day unless I was sick or had my period. As time wore on he treated me worse and worse until not only did all interest and desire for sex disappear, the mere thought of sex with him made my skin crawl.

I don't think there is anyone here who has more experience with the problem he's trying to resolve than I do.

 

[edger]

Women marry for security, not for sex; sex becomes an obligation after marriage for women. Men (particularly men with few options) marry to secure a consistent and reliable source of sexual intimacy. These two priorities are almost always at odds. A man must forsake all others in order to live up to his end of the marriage bargain, but even in marriage there is no onus for a woman to be consistently sexual with her husband. This is the great feminine social contrivance of marriage - the option to bait & switch without any social repercusion.

In many years of counseling I've yet to meet the man who told me he was getting more sex after marriage than when he was single (or at the very least after 2 years of marriage). The urgency of desire is simply not the same as when there was a potential for female competition for your provision of security. Now that it's been well established that you will provide that security without any expectation of her reciprocating her intimacy (or at least genuinely and spontaneously so) you have been effectively LJBFed by her with the understanding that you can't, or wont, take any action to challenge this.

I disagree, it makes more sense to say that not only might a woman take into consideration whether or not they will be financially secure together as a husband and wife team when considering marriage, but ALSO will take into consideration whether or not her husband posesses the qualities of a DJ. His DJ qualities are supposed to be the FIRST and FOREMOST reasons why she has chosen him as a marriage partner/husband to begin with. If he is a DJ husband, how could you claim after marriage she would not be sexually charged up to regularly engage in sex with him, and only do it because she feels it's her "obligation"? Don't we all know that a man who lives the DJ life gets his women wet and makes HER crave him sexually? What you're saying is contradictory to the DJ persona if I'm understanding you correctly.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... I just do not like abstraction, and I prefer to hear concrete personal experiences.

Personally, I wouldn't base my opinion only on a person's past experience. I'd listen to their advice and consider how it could work for my situation.

As for your question, a good portion of my relationship history (all good and lasting multiple years mind you) doesn't follow the typical path expounded upon in this forum.

 

[izza]

Personally, I wouldn't base my opinion only on a person's past experience. I'd listen to their advice and consider how it could work for my situation.

That's cool. Yeah, I'm different. Your way probably works better lol, I just don't like it.

As for your question, a good portion of my relationship history (all good and lasting multiple years mind you) doesn't follow the typical path expounded upon in this forum.

That's probably a good thing