I’m in deep

[member162951]

At the end of the day OP will have to realize this is toxic and choose not to indulge in it anymore even tho he may want to.

I dunno, couples function well in different types of relationships and dynamics. Some have high tension, mental stimulation and drama and others are more calm, comforting and safe.

It's hard to achieve balance imo because each are driven by the person's nature and tolerance, even a preference, for tension.

Do you remember the poster Pan87? When he joined, he had created the same dynamic with his girlfriend, or rather his ex-girlfriend.

He seemed to enjoy having her fear his reactions, he made no apologies for it.. He also scored high on dark triad machiavellianism if memory serves. He also admittedly cheated on her throughout their relationship, which he never hid from her and she knew about. But yet she stayed.

Anyway, he owned his role and personally I had a lot of respect for him for that. I respect people who own their part and make efforts to change like Pan87 was doing.

Anyway, his girl eventually left him for good which is what brought him here, but even though she complained to friends and family about him, she stayed for I think two years.

That was their dynamic and it worked for a time until it didn't.

I can tell you that not many women I know would be fighting as hard as @Divorced w 3 girl is, especially given how he demanded to see text messages dating years back, regardless whether she was hiding something or not.

That reflects such a clear lack of trust, many women may have dumped HIM for that.

Yet here she is, fighting to work it out. That's speaks volumes imo.

Yes, I agree it's an addiction of sorts, I've been there so understand it, which is why I place no judgment.

Just my take, good luck @Divorced w 3 whatever you decide.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I dunno, couples function well in different types of relationships and dynamics. Some have high tension, mental stimulation and drama and others are more calm, comforting and safe.

It's hard to achieve balance imo because each are driven by the person's nature and tolerance, even a preference, for tension.

Do you remember the poster Pan87? When he joined, he had created the same dynamic with his girlfriend, or rather his ex-girlfriend.

He seemed to enjoy having her fear his reactions, he made no apologies for it.. He also scored high on dark triad machiavellianism if memory serves. He also admittedly cheated on her throughout their relationship, which he never hid from her and she knew about. But yet she stayed.

Anyway, he owned his role and personally I had a lot of respect for him for that. I respect people who own their part and make efforts to change like Pan87 was doing.

Anyway, his girl eventually left him for good which is what brought him here, but even though she complained to friends and family about him, she stayed for I think two years.

That was their dynamic and it worked for a time until it didn't.

I can tell you that not many women I know would be fighting as hard as @Divorced w 3 girl is, especially given how he demanded to see text messages dating years back, regardless whether she was hiding something or not.

That reflects such a clear lack of trust, many women may have dumped HIM for that.

Yet here she is, fighting to work it out. That's speaks volumes imo.

Yes, I agree it's an addiction of sorts, I've been there so understand it, which is why I place no judgment.

Just my take, good luck @Divorced w 3 whatever you decide.

Yes it speaks volumes that it is toxic and no amount of mental gymnastics or sugarcoating into something else you try to do will change it.

Just because you "function well" in a toxic environment doesn't mean it's not toxic.

There are functioning alcoholics that never miss a day of work and do very well and go home and drink a 12 pack before passing out every night. Does that make them not an alcoholic because they function well?

 

[member162951]

I agree it's toxic, and I'm not sugarcoating anything. I'm being realistic in that I don't think this is over for either of them quite yet.

And no amount of telling him that it's toxic, he needs to go NC, block her etc is gonna change that.

I've been on these forums long enough to know that's it never over until one or both want it to be over and end it, clearly and succinctly and no longer allow their now ex access to them or their life.

Has @Divorced w 3 done that? No. Why?

Of course I want it to work out.

Apologies @Divorced w 3 for speaking about you in the third person instead of directly.

And truly hope you find clarity and that it works out the way you want, whatever that is.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I agree it's toxic, and I'm not sugarcoating anything. I'm being realistic in that I don't think this is over for either of them quite yet.

And no amount of telling him that he needs to go NC, block her etc is gonna change that.

I've been on these forums long enough to know that's it never over until one or both want it to be over and end it, clearly and succinctly and no longer allow them access to them or their life.

Has @Divorced w 3 done that? No. Why?



Apologies @Divorced w 3 for speaking about you in the third person instead of directly.

And truly hope you find clarity and that it works out the way you want, whatever that is.

You are cherry picking my words. You have a theory, I understand, but that’s all it is. I am NC until shown a reason to be otherwise. I’m just relaying what’s happening back to the thread like I have done the entire time.

 

[member162951]

You are cherry picking my words. You have a theory, I understand, but that’s all it is. I am NC until shown a reason to be otherwise. I’m just relaying what’s happening back to the thread like I have done the entire time.

OK fair enough. And yes I did cherry pick so apologies for that, my bad.

Agree it's a theory that I truly hope is incorrect because I personally believe you deserve better; I've thought that ever since the wedding incident.

Keep us posted.

 

[Divorced w 3]

You are divorced with 3 kids. So am I. I came here in 2017. I studied Rollo and Mystery. If you don’t know who those people are than I would give them both a look.

I don’t understand why you care. You have 3 kids. They are priority number one. Women are for periodic pleasure only because they offer little to nothing else.

The kids have a mom, yes? Are you wanting to blend this woman into your family? Don’t.

She asked you to be exclusive. That is not a trophy. Your response should have been “why would I want that?”

30k is nothing, you’re setting yourself up for 10x the loss in the coming future.

You are overracting and attempting to regulate promiscuity. Have you ever tried to drown a shark? You think she’s going to understand your point of view and adjust her behavior accordingly? Would the shark?

You have heartbreak ahead, no doubt. You’ve been feeling it already, I’m sure.

Those kids don’t deserve to see their dad feel that way and I’m sure you’ve thought of that as well.

She will sleep with other men. Accept that fact.

You lost frame. Cutting her is going into your phone and deleting her contact and blocking her number. If she reaches out through other channels, that means it’s your turn again. But remember, it’s just your turn.

5.5 hours of talking only tells me that you have a lot to learn.

Lesson 1: You ONLY communicate about when and where you are meeting next and THAT IS IT.

Lesson 2: You never answer a question. You can respond with questions but you never answer her questions.

Lesson 3: You DGAF. You have 3 kids, why would you care about a relationship? Instagram? Her touching another man’s back at a wedding? You have to not care and if it bothers you so much, delete one letter of her name in your contacts every time she makes a mistake until she’s deleted.

My opinion is you should be sleeping with 3 different women per month and no woman ever should know you have kids. Period.

You will likely disagree with a lot of what I said.

However, my kids will love me forever and appreciate what I’ve done for them.

Will yours?

That’s what matters.

Incredible post. Thank you.

 

[Divorced w 3]

OK fair enough. And yes I did cherry pick so apologies for that, my bad.

Agree it's a theory that I truly hope is incorrect because I personally believe you deserve better; I've thought that ever since the wedding incident.

Keep us posted.

Wedding incident, I got absolutely bombed about a month before that and she didn’t know I was drunk all day as we were walking all over the place one morning. I was going in hard on her. Super hard. ‘You play games, you’re single for a reason, my divorce is almost over, I am not coming out anymore once it’s settled, etc etc’. It was absolutely a low and atrocious move on my end.

There has been a lot of alcohol fueled drama in this relationship stemming from a lot of under the surface actions.

I haven’t drank this much in years, and my boys noticed this right away that they thought the amount being consumed was bad and that she was encouraging it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This always reminds me of why my kids have never met anyone I dated.

One divorce was hard enough, now OP is going to either have to subject them to never-ending drama with this woman or another "divorce" from her in their eyes.

It's not fair for them OP. They don't deserve having to keep going thru it.

 

[Divorced w 3]

This always reminds me of why my kids have never met anyone I dated.

One divorce was hard enough, now OP is going to either have to subject them to neverending drama with this woman or another "divorce" from her in their eyes.

It's not fair for them OP. They don't deserve having to keep going thru it.

The one thing is that they never see her and I have any drama. The kids absolutely love her. Absolutely zero doubt in my mind about her and them. She has been such a positive influence for all of us in the children department.

On the way out, she tried to hit me with that point. ‘If your kids are the most important thing in your life, you’re letting this go, think about it.’

I am lukewarm on her invoking the kids but I get the point.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The one thing is that they never see her and I have any drama. The kids absolutely love her. Absolutely zero doubt in my mind about her and them. She has been such a positive influence for all of us in the children department.

That's my point. What happens if you break up? Now they go thru another "divorce" in their mind. That inflicts more emotional trauma that they don't need.

 

[Divorced w 3]

That's my point. What happens if you break up? Now they go thru another "divorce" in their mind. That inflicts more emotional trauma that they don't need.

It’s my job to play dad not her, I think a large part of this was trying to have someone come fill a role that I am supposed to play, which upon thinking just now, is something I was looking for my former wife to do, play a role (different one, but recurring issue).

My buddy last night told me to go look in a mirror before pointing the finger so hard at my girl and he didn’t even believe in this relationship in the first place.

Basically, she and him both said I have been looking for any reason at all to break up with her and I dug hard enough and got what I wanted.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It’s my job to play dad not her, I think a large part of this was trying to have someone come fill a role that I am supposed to play, which upon thinking just now, is something I was looking for my former wife to do, play a role (different one, but recurring issue).

My buddy last night told me to go look in a mirror before pointing the finger so hard at my girl and he didn’t even believe in this relationship in the first place.

Basically, she and him both said I have been looking for any reason at all to break up with her and I dug hard enough and got what I wanted.

Of course it is, but that doesn't mean it won't be very hard on them having someone they are very close to ripped out of their life and them having played no part in the reason.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Of course it is, but that doesn't mean it won't be very hard on them having someone they are very close to ripped out of their life and them having played no part in the reason.

I know. I’m basically agreeing with you that I made a major philosophical blunder on this. I maintain they’re better in either regard for knowing her though.

The idea of some other woman loving my kids and treating them like they were hers was/continues to be, a huge pull. Makes me wonder what else is out there, but there’s the whole thing about taking the bird in hand also.

 

[Manure Spherian]

OP: I say this with respect and curiosity. If I’m wrong, I’ll take it back. You seem like a guy who cannot go for one single day without a woman. I had a friend like that, who had a knack for pairing up with abusive and complicated women, and I think that was partly because he couldn’t wait to screen such women and forgo getting “in deep” too soon.

When a “relationship” ended, he’d be scurrying around OLD apps one day later, as if something wrong was going to happen if he went a day without a woman. He’d be in panic mode until he got into another relationship with yet another bad pairing due to rushing in with no screening.

Me personally, the red flag would be 33 years old with no boyfriend in four years.

 

[Divorced w 3]

OP: I say this with respect and curiosity. If I’m wrong, I’ll take it back. You seem like a guy who cannot go for one single day without a woman. I had a friend like that, who had a knack for pairing up with abusive and complicated women, and I think that was partly because he couldn’t wait to screen such women and forgo getting “in deep” too soon.

When a “relationship” ended, he’d be scurrying around OLD apps one day later, as if something wrong was going to happen if he went a day without a woman.

That’s an inaccurate statement. I don’t do well alone and did rush into this though, and it was incredibly helpful diversion.

 

[Manure Spherian]

That’s an inaccurate statement.

I take it back then.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Me personally, the red flag would be 33 years old with no boyfriend in four years.

It’s really much longer even than that. The boyfriend she is referring to was less than a year. Prior to that it was a boyfriend in her mid 20’s that actually had some time on the clock.

mid 20’s to 33, my understanding from her explaining how she handled her sexual progression (you saw the post about the assault I presume) is that she ramped up over time, she believed it wasn’t fair for her to punish herself in enjoying sex, and I estimate her number is around 15.

So what does that mean, that she’s promiscuous? Yes, she wanted to start getting laid and she truthfully did not want a relationship after the one four years ago went sideways. Sounds like the guy had issues and played with her head.

I also think she is an alpha widow. In that earlier period, somewhere in her middle 20’s she met a guy and had a little stint with him. Sounds like he was a good dude, but career and life took him in a map around the country and she and him never made it more than 3-5 months. What I don’t love is that he’s back in the city now and she hasn’t dropped him off of social, as recently as a couple of years ago they were liking mutual posts etc. That’s something though, that I just need to get over. If I was super confident I really wouldn’t care.

I need to worry more about myself and what I want and need in my life, and the rest will fall into place.

 

[Divorced w 3]

This thread is a CLASSIC.

I think probably every man will go through this at some point. There are way too many nuggets here. Just a few that I've noticed/ stood out

- rebounding is always ill advised. Because we tend to continue our (toxic detrimental ) ways with the next woman, in this case the codependency and clinging on another person. ( although I understand that its nice after a messy breakup, what goes UP must come DOWN )

- when you spend this much money you basically " buy" affection.

- to allude to the previous point, even though you spend a lot she STILL tries to do whatever she wants.

Women are ruthless. She's basically playing you ,BUT she lacks the...intelligence(for lack of a better word) to play it smart, hence the deleting of specific texts ect. But yo, if I'd been with a woman spending that much I would also keep her around...

I've reread the ENTIRE thread. You should definitely leave her. Enjoy the memories but ACCEPT this one is not gf / wifey marerial.

I am glad that my bleeding out all over the site is not going to waste. Secondly to getting assistance, I was hoping it would help other guys here too.

 

[Manure Spherian]

It’s really much longer even than that. The boyfriend she is referring to was less than a year. Prior to that it was a boyfriend in her mid 20’s that actually had some time on the clock.

mid 20’s to 33, my understanding from her explaining how she handled her sexual progression (you saw the post about the assault I presume) is that she ramped up over time, she believed it wasn’t fair for her to punish herself in enjoying sex, and I estimate her number is around 15.

So what does that mean, that she’s promiscuous? Yes, she wanted to start getting laid and she truthfully did not want a relationship after the one four years ago went sideways. Sounds like the guy had issues and played with her head.

I also think she is an alpha widow. In that earlier period, somewhere in her middle 20’s she met a guy and had a little stint with him. Sounds like he was a good dude, but career and life took him in a map around the country and she and him never made it more than 3-5 months. What I don’t love is that he’s back in the city now and she hasn’t dropped him off of social, as recently as a couple of years ago they were liking mutual posts etc.

That’s something though, that I just need to get over. If I was super confident I really wouldn’t care.

I see.

Of course non man has to consider what I see as red flags. I’m just sharing personal thoughts.

But for me, if I were an unmarried man in this day and age, I’d consider a 33-year old pretty woman who has not managed to make a man her husband and have children is a red flag. Thirty-something-year-old women who’ve had one “boyfriend” after another? No thanks.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I see.

Of course non man has to consider what I see as red flags. I’m just sharing personal thoughts.

But for me, if I were an unmarried man in this day and age, I’d consider a 33-year old pretty woman who has not managed to make a man her husband and have children is a red flag. Thirty-something-year-old women who’ve had one “boyfriend” after another? No thanks.

It’s a red flag.

is a 39 year old divorced man with three young kids a red flag? Other than working at a great job (and physically being pretty good looking) am I really that much of a catch? Do I seem from this thread like I have any sort of compass? — My boy hit me with this last night. He told me to go hang out in the bathroom in front of the mirror.