I’m in deep

[Dr.Suave]

But she can’t talk to me, nor can I to her, and the dishonesty and superficial behavior is flowing in both directions. Her friend group decision process and actions are bad, my communication style and lack of direct needs are bad. Its just bad.

Sounds like a Toxic relationship. Why stay in there? You would be doing both of you a favor by breaking up with her.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Sounds like a Toxic relationship. Why stay in there? You would be doing both of you a favor by breaking up with her.

It’s not always that bad. I have been increasingly passive aggressive, which is a big fault. I had and should have addressed these issues a long time ago with greater confidence but I wasn’t there yet. I saw an opportunity to have a good time with a women who had the potential to fill a roll in my life, I went in this for the wrong reason amongst others.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It’s not always that bad. I have been increasingly passive aggressive, which is a big fault. I had and should have addressed these issues a long time ago with greater confidence but I wasn’t there yet. I saw an opportunity to have a good time with a women who had the potential to fill a roll in my life, I went in this for the wrong reason amongst others.

And there is another issue. You wanted your cake while you ate it too. You can't have it both ways.

Being afraid to act a certain way to avoid possible issues early on lead to a proliferation of more and other issues later on.

Like lettings weeds grow unchecked and then they eventually take up your whole garden to where you can't even find your plants.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You’re a single dad right, what are your biggest red flags in this situation, and secondly what do you look for in your own relationship and why?

To be honest with you if you asked me right now I would tell you I’m leaning end it.

Usually these type of red flags result from one of two things:

1) Giving a woman a greater status in your life than she is worth.

2) Ignoring small red flags early on that would have gotten you to this point much sooner.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

If it’s happening it’s happening at the office. There is very little space in our relationship for anything else and that one trip she took really early on. If I decide to give this another shot, it’s going to be an on spot request to open the phone and start flipping through it and I know exactly who to look for.

If that's the case, this relationship sounds suffocating on both ends.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

I just read a good chuck of this thread (not all). Clearly, your mind has been clouded by the woman here who is acting as a drug. You know better than this. She sounds like a Cluster B Narcissist who will never have enough validation - hence her seeking it from as many sources as she can possibly find. Also, nothing is ever her fault and if you try to tell her otherwise she gaslights you. Judging by some of your posts here, it sounds like some of her gaslighting is working. Trust me, I have an ex who fits this exact bill and I let this kind of thing happen to me. The combination of a hot chick who is fun and confident makes you overlook a lot of bad sh1t - we get it. Doesn't change the fact she is toxic and not good for you.

Do yourself a huge favor and just cut her off cold turkey NOW. No Contact. It won't be easy as it never is, but know you will be better off when it is all over. You will also wonder once you have a clear mind how you ever let her get you so fvcked up in the first place.

 

[Bingo-Player]

I can’t help but agree with your analysis here, especially the bit about the much darker aspect of how this affects self perception and psyche. I really agree with your instincts that it’s not innocuous at all, and in fact secretly very damaging..

Not even just the sexualized or glamour content, but including “being the best mom”, or “best home steader”, etc etc. The “nature healer” with all the answers or the perfect “hippy mamma”. So many cliches or psychological niches to occupy.

Then we wonder why everyone is overridden with anxiety and insecurity. These lofty archetypes are things nobody can ever live up to.

yes I fully agree

Its like they have created a universally accepted personality within a niche and that is the benchmark everyone must aspire too

we are living in very very wierd times

 

[Divorced w 3]

OP,

I just read a good chuck of this thread (not all). Clearly, your mind has been clouded by the woman here who is acting as a drug. You know better than this. She sounds like a Cluster B Narcissist who will never have enough validation - hence her seeking it from as many sources as she can possibly find. Also, nothing is ever her fault and if you try to tell her otherwise she gaslights you. Judging by some of your posts here, it sounds like some of her gaslighting is working. Trust me, I have an ex who fits this exact bill and I let this kind of thing happen to me. The combination of a hot chick who is fun and confident makes you overlook a lot of bad sh1t - we get it. Doesn't change the fact she is toxic and not good for you.

Do yourself a huge favor and just cut her off cold turkey NOW. No Contact. It won't be easy as it never is, but know you will be better off when it is all over. You will also wonder once you have a clear mind how you ever let her get you so fvcked up in the first place.

Definitely true with my girl last year. No contact was huge help.

 

[The Duke]

If it’s happening it’s happening at the office. There is very little space in our relationship for anything else and that one trip she took really early on. If I decide to give this another shot, it’s going to be an on spot request to open the phone and start flipping through it and I know exactly who to look for.

Never have long term serious relationships with women you can't trust. It's not healthy for you, her, nor the relationship. No room for doubt in long term deals. Needs to start with a solid foundation. By sharing what you have, You will never have this with her. Some of its you, some of its her. I see some trust/insecurity issues embedded deep in you.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Never have long term serious relationships with women you can't trust. It's not healthy for you, her, nor the relationship. No room for doubt in long term deals. Needs to start with a solid foundation. By sharing what you have, You will never have this with her. Some of its you, some of its her. I see some trust/insecurity issues embedded deep in you.

If you’ve been burned by women it’s very hard to take a “the devil might care” outlook. Boundaries are not “Issues” - that’s chick speak.

 

[soulforge]

The more time, effort, energy, money you invest in a relationship that eventually fails, the more painful the break up is.

It's absolutely paramount you Iron out ALL of the boundaries & issues very early in the relationship when she is pushing for exclusivity.

She will either follow your leadership & respect your boundaries, or she will walk.

It's better she walks 6 months in.. Than 3 years in.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Never have long term serious relationships with women you can't trust. It's not healthy for you, her, nor the relationship. No room for doubt in long term deals. Needs to start with a solid foundation. By sharing what you have, You will never have this with her. Some of its you, some of its her. I see some trust/insecurity issues embedded deep in you.

That’s a fair point and my insecurity is a real thing. I have a broken emotional bone there so to speak. I’m giving my girl some space right now for my own benefit. I’m not doing to do or say anything about the state of my relationship other than say I am taking a moment

 

[Divorced w 3]

So a different perspective, I spoke to my boy earlier who is very level, very successful with women, his wife is a dime, entrepreneur and beautiful family. Great guy to boot. Lucky to call him a friend he keeps a tight circle. Anyway, he’s like bro, after what you have said and done to this girl I can’t believe she is still with you. The woman is clearly invested in you and your relationship. Just some food for thought.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So a different perspective, I spoke to my boy earlier who is very level, very successful with women, his wife is a dime, entrepreneur and beautiful family. Great guy to boot. Lucky to call him a friend he keeps a tight circle. Anyway, he’s like bro, after what you have said and done to this girl I can’t believe she is still with you. The woman is clearly invested in you and your relationship. Just some food for thought.

And?

This is becoming more and more clear to me that it's a co-dependant, toxic relationship...when a person "couldn't possibly do that because there is no room in the relationship for it" that's literally the definition of suffocating. Only a matter of time before one or both of you start having those feelings.

Of course she is so invested because she is co-dependant. IMO this relationship is doomed even if you decide to stay together. The longer you stay the more painful it will be once it implodes and make no mistake it WILL implode. These type of relationships always do.

My advice would to be to take a step back and stop dating for a while so you can do some serious reflection and work on yourself to determine where these issues stem from internally so you can fix them before you date anyone else. If not, these issues will simply continue to repeat on a loop in every relationship you have. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with these issues present that you talk about.

You didn't take the time to do this after your divorce and quickly jumped in with both feet into this relationship that you weren't emotionally ready for nor in the proper headspace to have happen, don't make the same mistake again. Learn from it.

Probably not what you want to hear but I am shooting straight with you. Just my opinion for what it is worth.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Spoke last night. Easy and fun, had some laughs. Told me about her day and what’s in store for the rest of the weekend.

So i started off in a calm voice with saying that I had some reactions earlier on that may have been a little more intense than the situation may have called for, and I asked what can we do to repair trust in the relationship.

she basically said yesterday that she would work to overcome her fear of confrontation in an effort to be more communicative, that she would be turning off that text message setting, and that she would be willing to get rid of social media because it's not worth it, along with saying it should be obvious much she has done and tried etc, along with it's not about being great to the kids it's that she loves the kids because they're mine. That she needed me to be patient, understanding and calm and receptive.

Said she loved me, asked if I did which I said of course, asked when she would see me next and I said that I needed a moment for myself, have had my kids here.

 

[Divorced w 3]

And?

This is becoming more and more clear to me that it's a co-dependant, toxic relationship...when a person "couldn't possibly do that because there is no room in the relationship for it" that's literally the definition of suffocating. Only a matter of time before one or both of you start having those feelings.

Of course she is so invested because she is co-dependant. IMO this relationship is doomed even if you decide to stay together. The longer you stay the more painful it will be once it implodes and make no mistake it WILL implode. These type of relationships always do.

My advice would to be to take a step back and stop dating for a while so you can do some serious reflection and work on yourself to determine where these issues stem from internally so you can fix them before you date anyone else. If not, these issues will simply continue to repeat on a loop in every relationship you have. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with these issues present that you talk about.

You didn't take the time to do this after your divorce and quickly jumped in with both feet into this relationship that you weren't emotionally ready for nor in the proper headspace to have happen, don't make the same mistake again. Learn from it.

Probably not what you want to hear but I am shooting straight with you. Just my opinion for what it is worth.

I don’t disagree about some of this, I'm not sure about all of it. I do agree about taking a step back, I also think a lot of good has come of being in the relationship which was head and shoulders better than my former one. At the end of the day, 12 months has been invested between two people that have a lot of fun and ease being with each other and I think this rationale about the weeds, which was great, and the walking away much sooner, which made sense, needs to be taken in context that a year has been put in. Just going to sit with it for a few for myself.

 

[sosuave213]

Imagine changing this much for a person during a relationship. They should have already been behaving that way beforehand.

 

[member162951]

@Divorced w 3

Every long term relationship/marriage has conflicts, that's a given. The important thing is that both people have the desire and capability of resolving them together. Which you and your girl are doing.

And good on her for getting rid of SM, that's huge and indicates you and your relationship are more important than SM. That proves her investment right there. She can find other ways of keeping in touch with family and friends, sharing pics etc like regular ole e-mail or text.

Are you going to get rid of your SM as well?

My mom once told me that a successful committed relationship involves two people giving up a little bit of themselves for the other.

She's told you what she plans to do. What about you? Are you going to stop allowing chicks to grind your leg at clubs, making out with random chicks, think about spinning plates in order to hold frame? It takes TWO.

Are you IN or OUT? That's what you need to decide.

 

[Divorced w 3]

@Divorced w 3

Every long term relationship/marriage has conflicts, that's a given. The important thing is that both people have the desire and capability of resolving them together. Which you and your girl are doing.

And good on her for getting rid of SM, that's huge and indicates you and your relationship are more important than SM. That proves her investment right there. She can find other ways of keeping in touch with family and friends, sharing pics etc like regular ole e-mail or text.

Are you going to get rid of your SM as well?

My mom once told me that a successful committed relationship involves two people giving up a little bit of themselves for the other.

She's told you what she plans to do. What about you? Are you going to stop allowing chicks to grind your leg at clubs, making out with random chicks, think about spinning plates in order to hold frame? It takes TWO.

Are you IN or OUT? That's what you need to decide.

You forgot about the part where I asked the 24 year old lesbian from the office for a threesome with her girlfriend.

I don’t know yet. I need to sit down when they are gone tomorrow and figure out my life and where this relationship can fit.

 

[Divorced w 3]

No woman is pretty enough for me to spend 2.5K a month on.

You’re absolutely correct. But it was a big help to me in an insanely difficult situation.