Hello my dudes!
I told myself that I would come back here with more insights over a recent break up and no contact journey, here I am after almost 70 days of no contact.
My Story:
Hello brothers, Feeling down and would like some support and thoughts. Some Context Recently a main I had been nested up with in a 7 months LTR dumped me because I fooled around with another chick at a party on a drunken night. (I'm a DJ so at most times I'm at parties and that night...
www.sosuave.net
(Short version: I dated a famous fitness influencer. She snooped into my unlocked phone when I was showering and found out that on a drunken night out months ago, I hooked up with a girl in early in our relationship. She dumped me immediately.)
I hope to share my experience and some lessons learnt so far.
(Funny thing is I actually did a detailed 360 Days NC Challenge on this thread in 2021 - 2022 because of another girl and painful breakup. I thought I had learnt a lot from that break up and was prepared for any more future break ups and NC. But here I am back again with a new NC challenge. Realizing that I made some of the same mistakes again and now learning new lessons. I thought I would have conquered heartbreak by now but maybe we never do.)
70 Days NC Lessons So Far
They Are Gone
The first few weeks were definitely the toughest. From the moment I was dumped, I couldn't really accept that she was gone. She was not mine anymore. Your mind gets so used to somebody that when they are no longer in your life it just feels unbelievable. There was also a lot of anxiety from my part because at the same time I didn't want it to be the reality. You just can't accept it. You think you want to fight for it because if you don't, you think you're giving up. You think if you don't fight, she will end up hooking up with some other dude. In fact I realize that your mind will make 100 reasons for you to justify you fighting against the break up. So in the beginning I did try to contact her and work things out with her. I did plead with her. I fought for her. In retrospect, I wish I would have spared myself the trouble. If they have dumped you. Nothing you say or do will change that. The trying just leads to more pain and delays healing. This is something I have learnt the 2nd time now with 2 painful breakups & NC journeys from 2021 to now. I also think fighting just made me look weak and it really changed nothing. If I could go back in time, and for those fresh off their breakups, I would advise myself (and others), don't fight it. Accept it. Show maturity but indifference. You save your own humiliation and increase the chances of her having second thoughts (although in most instances she won't at this stage) but you just have to accept that you lost this round.
Wake Up Call To Unhappiness Of Your Life
I have been thinking about this a lot. When the break up first happened. I felt so devastated. I felt so low. I felt the happiness and excitement from my life have gone. And it was exactly that. The girl became my source of happiness at some point. When she was gone. I was faced with the reality of my life which had revolved around her to a very large degree. I had been stagnating, cutting down my social life and basically stopped on many aspects of my life because I got comfortable with this girl. When you are constantly getting *****, attention and love from a hot girl; if those are the main things that motivate you in life (and they shouldn't be), you stagnate. My fitness was down. My career and hobbies were neglected. My friends were ignored. It was just me and her. But it was just really me living in a bubble. So when I was dumped it was a wake up call to face the real state of my life. I was no longer blinded by the relationship and *****. And that is the problem, when you let someone else become the main source of your happiness then you're playing a dangerous game because you can't control the other person. They can choose to leave or make it hell for you at any moment. You have given away your happiness, you just don't know it. So the break up really made me look at my life and realize there was so much more work to be done.
Self-Improvement Happiness
So immediately after the break up and start of NC, I shifted my focus to self-improvement. This is something I learnt from my first NC journey years ago. I know that self-improvement is where it all starts. During this period, I started exercising everyday at the gym, working on my career and generally looking at making my life much more abundant in every way. It's only been few months so far, so I can't claim that the journey is over but already I made good gains. I became much much more fit than I ever was. Started feeling much better health wise and looking better. I became much more confident as a result. Also getting compliments and attention from new girls. I would even get approached by girls a few times. My career work has also led to some professional growth and things are nicely progressing towards my objective. And I developed new social circles that I have been spending some time with, leading to some new experiences in my life. My self-improvement and time spent with myself actually has brought me a lot of fulfilment that feels much more long lasting than other activities such as plating and just trying to sleep with chicks. It is still a journey that I am on now but I think there is so much credence to the concept of chasing abundance and excellence.
Plating & New Chicks
Immediately after the break up, I started plating a lot and meeting new chicks. The logic was simple: I lost a girl therefore I must find her replacement immediately. It has been more than 2 months so far of me plating. At the beginning I plated aggressively and it really sucked. I tried dating every night back to back. But everywhere I went and everyone I met. I saw my ex's ghost everywhere. Feels like I was haunted. I'd have flashbacks of memories over familiar places. I'd compare the plates I met to my ex (which honestly isn't realistic). I had some bad and boring dates but I'd also have some really really good dates. In 2 months, I ended up making out, fooling around and even ****ing some chicks. One thing I have come to realize is that plates and chicks, won't necessarily bring sustainable happiness. Even the good dates and the good sex, once it is over, you go back to square 1 again. You chase that high again but go through all the mud to try again. It's almost like playing a video game where the level resets. There is really nothing longer lasting that comes from it. Sure, when you find a good long term plate or **** buddy, you might consistently have fun but the truth is after sex is done, you go back to square 1 again. You may feel empty until the next hit. And even you want to be truly deep about it, the same can be said about LTRs including my ex. For example, my ex no doubt brought me much happiness but how sustainable was that? My relationships with my ex along with all my other exes eventually ended and caused more pain than they did happiness. Also things go stale with time. This is helping me come to the realisation that although chicks can bring some value to a man's life, they cannot be the primary source of a man's happiness. On the other hand, self-improvement and slowly becoming your best self and building your best life seems to be the best bet to truly becoming happy.
Thinking About Them
The idea that I had in the beginning is that the more I continue with NC eventually I will reach a point where I don't think about my ex anymore. Almost like NC can erase them from your memory. After 70 days, I can say, it has not happened yet. I still think about my ex. In fact even with another ex from 2021, I still think about her quite regularly. (And actually with other exes too). I don't think you can easily forget people especially if they had a special place in your life and meant something to you. However what happened to me (and should happen to all of us) is that over time, the sharp pain and torment associated with your ex starts to go away. In the beginning weeks, I experienced so much pain that at first I couldn't sleep properly or wake up properly without feeling like I had an open wound. Every time I thought about them which is almost every moment, my body had some sort of physiological reaction. Now I just don't feel the pain anymore. I don't really feel sadness anymore. I don't feel the anxiety and disbelief of losing her. I have accepted it. At times, I do miss her but I realise I miss the good times rather than the person who came to break up with me. Based on my past experience, I think the thoughts of her will always be a part of me but I can live with it.
Breadcrumbs
I don't think my ex ever breadcrumbed me. I do have some big suspicions that she is actually stalking me through her friends and some other methods. However, after 70 days. She has never reached out after dumping me. I think that says a lot about how she sees me and the value of our relationship which contributes to my acceptance of how things are.
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Its only been 70 days! But I hope all my other bros out there who are on this journey can find value in some of the lessons here. I may drop in again as more thoughts develop. Stay strong bros.
