GF maybe walking soon

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Anything is possible, but I've not moved from my position. I've offered a religious marriage when we started to become serious as a compromise.

You have absolutely nothing to gain from compromising, appeasement does not work. Having a religious marriage will make her more inferior in the eyes of her friends than she is now; the marriage is an ego thing, it's to tell her friends that she is in control, just like they are.

 

[TheProspect]

Anything is possible, but I've not moved from my position. I've offered a religious marriage when we started to become serious as a compromise.

Finding a compromise on the marriage issue seems like something you two are unable to work through currently, and I'd reckon dealing with her is no fun because of it.

She is emotional after talking to her recently married friend. There is nothing magical you can rationally say that will make her feel differently than the way she does.

My recommendation would be to tell your girlfriend you need some time perhaps about a week to think it over what SHE said (whether you intend to truly think it over is irrelevant). In the meantime, focus on having fun with her again -- as if you guys were dating for the first time again and she's the cool fun chick you mentioned she was.

You are not defering the conversation to consider compromising your position (something you stated you won't do). Instead, you are deferring the conversation to allow sufficient time to pass by where her emotions have simmered down enough where she is more receptive to your position. In other words, a time where she is more likely to be more understanding of your reasoning, and even if she still doesn't find your position compatible with hers, she can at least respect your position. At which point, she'll make a decision whether she wants to stick around or not.

If she, however, brings up the conversation again and starts arguing, maybe then it's time for you to consider doing the dumping here (versus waiting for her to dump you), especially if this is a recurrent conversation. You have stated your stand in marriage. She wants something else. Respect both yours and her wants and needs by breaking up with her and allowing both of you to find someone else more compatible. You owe it yourself, and if she's been as great to you as you say she has, then you owe it to her too.


Just offering you a little different perspective than most of the responses you've been given so far.

 

[RickTheToad]

Finding a compromise on the marriage issue seems like something you two are unable to work through currently, and I'd reckon dealing with her is no fun because of it.

She is emotional after talking to her recently married friend. There is nothing magical you can rationally say that will make her feel differently than the way she does.

My recommendation would be to tell your girlfriend you need some time perhaps about a week to think it over what SHE said (whether you intend to truly think it over is irrelevant). In the meantime, focus on having fun with her again -- as if you guys were dating for the first time again and she's the cool fun chick you mentioned she was.

You are not defering the conversation to consider compromising your position (something you stated you won't do). Instead, you are deferring the conversation to allow sufficient time to pass by where her emotions have simmered down enough where she is more receptive to your position. In other words, a time where she is more likely to be more understanding of your reasoning, and even if she still doesn't find your position compatible with hers, she can at least respect your position. At which point, she'll make a decision whether she wants to stick around or not.

If she, however, brings up the conversation again and starts arguing, maybe then it's time for you to consider doing the dumping here (versus waiting for her to dump you), especially if this is a recurrent conversation. You have stated your stand in marriage. She wants something else. Respect both yours and her wants and needs by breaking up with her and allowing both of you to find someone else more compatible. You owe it yourself, and if she's been as great to you as you say she has, then you owe it to her too.


Just offering you a little different perspective than most of the responses you've been given so far.

Yes, that is what I am doing... Just letting it settle down. I've compromised all that can be done. She has to think about it and see if this is something she'll be cool with. However, you'd be right to reconsider us if she brings this up again and become hysterical like she was this past week. I've never her seen her like that. Again, she's blaming COVID, her period and work stress (she's up for a promotion that she may get. If not, her position will be terminated within the year). I am sure this is something very much on her mind as well. I am not making excuses, just calling it how it seems.

 

[RickTheToad]

You have absolutely nothing to gain from compromising, appeasement does not work. Having a religious marriage will make her more inferior in the eyes of her friends than she is now; the marriage is an ego thing, it's to tell her friends that she is in control, just like they are.

Perhaps, but it seems more like she's thinking why not a me too if my friends are doing it instead of a power play.

 

[TheProspect]

Yes, that is what I am doing... Just letting it settle down. I've compromised all that can be done. She has to think about it and see if this is something she'll be cool with. However, you'd be right to reconsider us if she brings this up again and become hysterical like she was this past week. I've never her seen her like that. Again, she's blaming COVID, her period and work stress (she's up for a promotion that she may get. If not, her position will be terminated within the year). I am sure this is something very much on her mind as well. I am not making excuses, just calling it how it seems.

As you know, a lot of times humans backwards rationalize. The accumulation of things going on in her life could have her stressed and emotional. Perhaps her acting hysterical is about all these things going on at once for her, and then throw in the thought that you don't want marriage in the same way she does, probably creates a point of contention that is used as an outlet channel for all her built up emotional energy.

She is emotional and her emotions will react strongly to yours if there is passion in your tone. You feel very strongly about your marriage position emotionally (a position incompatible with hers) and thus it is this topic that seems to be the perfect storm for strong emotional reactions from both of you. As we discerned, it's best to detach and avoid emotional decisions right now.

None of us know for certain what the real issue for her is, for all we know she might be stressed with everything else and the marriage thing is not that big of a deal -- in the sense that it's not make or break for her right now. Of course that can change, but my point being that you also want to be mindful that you don't throw the baby out with the bath water because of one issue and one fight in an otherwise good relationship.

 

[RickTheToad]

As you know, a lot of times humans backwards rationalize. The accumulation of things going on in her life could have her stressed and emotional. Perhaps her acting hysterical is about all these things going on at once for her, and then throw in the thought that you don't want marriage in the same way she does, probably creates a point of contention that is used as an outlet channel for all her built up emotional energy.

She is emotional and her emotions will react strongly to yours if there is passion in your tone. You feel very strongly about your marriage position emotionally (a position incompatible with hers) and thus it is this topic that seems to be the perfect storm for strong emotional reactions from both of you. As we discerned, it's best to detach and avoid emotional decisions right now.

None of us know for certain what the real issue for her is, for all we know she might be stressed with everything else and the marriage thing is not that big of a deal -- in the sense that it's not make or break for her right now. Of course that can change, but my point being that you also want to be mindful that you don't throw the baby out with the bath water because of one issue and one fight in an otherwise good relationship.

I wasn't planning on it. I will be honest, for a few females I dated I did jet sooner than I should had over a misunderstanding. It was right after my divorce, so I was still comparing actions from my ex-wife to the new females I was dating. Aside from my former wife, there has no other female I that I've really considered mother of children material. I will also disclose she was so stressed out a couple of weeks ago, that I asked her to call her general doc. This was when she was originally going to be let go, but they extended her position for in to the next year. So, she's really been on edge since then. I can imagine that it's a lot of stress. She's hasn't been sleeping right either for weeks.

I appreciate your perspective and will back off and see what happens. I understand completely where she's coming from, and understand her reasoning. Time will tell.

 

[7onriverI f]

Certainly possible. Or, she wants to go through the whole experience like her friends are going through. She doesn't have a bad bone in her body. The anti-marriage is not against her, it's against the system.. That's what some people forget that I am trying to empathize. So, I understand she wants the experience, but she can have that; just not the "title" of legal wife. Religious wife, yes, legal, no. She can have the party, the ceremony, the dress, ring, etc. I really do not understand what the big deal is. Maybe it is me..

bro. dont do it. bang married women. bang them hard.

 

[metalwater]

Perhaps, but it seems more like she's thinking why not a me too if my friends are doing it instead of a power play.

same thing.

if you give in to her, you will have to give in again and again. somehow she doesn't realize that your a better man than her friends have. she probably can not articulate why a legal marriage is more important than a spiritual one. your compromise leaves you on high ground morally and high ground to present to any others. perhaps her issue is that she does not trust you and wants to have a way to force her way. "honey, why do you not trust me". I know this is a reall situation that theory doesn't help but you giving her any of your power does not increase her attraction to you. It will instead move her closer to equality and increase her masculinity causing you to have more issues like this. As long as she has you, she has all of your stuff by way of proxy. The only way that is not good enough is if she gets rid of you.

you could name her in your will, make sure it has some clause to exclude murder by girlfriend... she may want the security of what if your gone and that is a valid concern. wills can be changed again later..

 

[RickTheToad]

same thing.

if you give in to her, you will have to give in again and again. somehow she doesn't realize that your a better man than her friends have. she probably can not articulate why a legal marriage is more important than a spiritual one. your compromise leaves you on high ground morally and high ground to present to any others. perhaps her issue is that she does not trust you and wants to have a way to force her way. "honey, why do you not trust me". I know this is a reall situation that theory doesn't help but you giving her any of your power does not increase her attraction to you. It will instead move her closer to equality and increase her masculinity causing you to have more issues like this. As long as she has you, she has all of your stuff by way of proxy. The only way that is not good enough is if she gets rid of you.

you could name her in your will, make sure it has some clause to exclude murder by girlfriend... she may want the security of what if your gone and that is a valid concern. wills can be changed again later..

Some good points. However, there is nothing for me to give in. I made my stance and now we will see if it comes and agrees. If not, no problem, but we'd have to go our separate ways. Not going back and forth on this. I've also offered to name her in my will as well. She would have all legal rights, as would I, as a married couple, except equitable ownership in my assets and no alimony should things go awry. If it's for "love", commitment and loyalty, then it should be more than enough. If she's looking for a golden parachute in case the s hit hits the fan, that's not going to happen.

Not giving any power. In fact, she comes to my place every weekend and has been since we started dating. This isn't a power struggle with her. It's more emotions and such. We shall see if we can over come.

 

[bcude]

As you know, a lot of times humans backwards rationalize. The accumulation of things going on in her life could have her stressed and emotional. Perhaps her acting hysterical is about all these things going on at once for her, and then throw in the thought that you don't want marriage in the same way she does, probably creates a point of contention that is used as an outlet channel for all her built up emotional energy.

Some very good points here to why, and good advice on how to handle this situation. However, i strongly concur with others who are saying that this is just a topic of misaligning values, values that you have to agree 100% on for a future together. She's probably going to relax and revert back into normality but be certain that she's going to revisit this time and time and time again until you, or her leave the relationship because no compromise can be made.
You've been fair to her and we can't really know her motivations for the state cert. exactly, but we know she's a woman who's acting on her emotions and we're aware of the powerful effect the environment (aka 'the herd') has on a woman, where sense of belonging in her group is way stronger than the influence any man can have on her.
Picture yourself 5 months in where everything is just a bliss between you two and she's having a conversation with her good friend Stacy (married) who's talking about her happy life with her husband and showing her newborn child, and then the question comes: "So what's up with you and the slimy toad? has he proposed yet? -no, but why? jeez girl, you know you deserve better. I would never tolerate this from my Jimmy." Then this is going to stir up another storm in her head for you to defuse. A woman will only make sense of your stance into something like "if he really loved me, he would do ANYTHING for me because that's what love is about. He did for that ex-wh0re of his, so why am I not worthy! buhu" and it's going to be a big thorn in her side fueled by her surroundings. The cycle will continue.

A wise man once said: IF you're going to marry, marry the woman you say you're never ever going to marry. If she still sticks with you after that, then you know you've got someone worthy of consideration.
Not realistic in today's society where women are told they deserve it all, but still a good guideline to weed out all the hidden agendas.
I'd call it the ultimate test on women, lol.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Yes, I am willing to lose her for the stupid certificate.

NEVER, EVER get married. Nothing good will come out of this for you. As soon as you sign the contract, she will think she has the upper hand and everything will change after a short time.

 

[rart]

In most places, like here in Ontario, it does not matter whether you are married or not. If you live like a family, you are legally married even if no ceremony/marriage license happened.

Recently a rich guy in Toronto lost a case against his girlfriend of 8 years. Never married, no kids, she maintained her own residence. He is on the hook paying alimony to her because throughout the years they have been together he maintained a certain lifestyle level for her.

Just something to consider.

Unmarried Ontario couple had no children and no house but man must still pay support, appeal court rules

A wealthy businessman will have to pay more than $50,000 a month in spousal support for 10 years to a woman with whom he had a long-term romantic relationship even though they kept separate homes and had no children together, Ontario's top court has ruled.

nationalpost.com

.

 

[BeExcellent]

@Atom Smasher took the words out of my mouth. She thought she would persuade you to change your mind in time. Part of her upset is at HERSELF for staying with you and holding that belief.

I see this both ways, having been the breadwinner with a full time parent spouse and divorce court was a scary proposition indeed. My ex husband could have crucified me financially but he didn’t (and it’s not lost on me in the least that this is the point being made)...

There is a 3rd option, one that is much stronger than a prenuptial and that is a trust. You put all your assets in a trust, you own nothing legally. That situation might be a good option for @TonyTenner to consider for example to protect family land....

You’d need to consult a good trust attorney to set it up properly but that is what I have done. This protects my assets in case I do something like get married again (which I am very trepidacious about for the same reasons as OP)...

It changes things when you have stuff to lose.

Big time

 

[mrgoodstuff]

In most places, like here in Ontario, it does not matter whether you are married or not. If you live like a family, you are legally married even if no ceremony/marriage license happened.

Recently a rich guy in Toronto lost a case against his girlfriend of 8 years. Never married, no kids, she maintained her own residence. He is on the hook paying alimony to her because throughout the years they have been together he maintained a certain lifestyle level for her.

Just something to consider.

Unmarried Ontario couple had no children and no house but man must still pay support, appeal court rules

A wealthy businessman will have to pay more than $50,000 a month in spousal support for 10 years to a woman with whom he had a long-term romantic relationship even though they kept separate homes and had no children together, Ontario's top court has ruled.

nationalpost.com

.

Straight up wealth and power redistribution and not even hidden.

 

[7onriverI f]

lol you don't even love her rick. You too worried about your wealth.

She will notice this and probably use it against you in the future whether you get married or not.

For you rick save the drama and Just dump her now. Plently of other girls out there that wanna be banged. You have displayed weakness just talking about this with her and if ONLY you can deal with losing some of your wealth in the future from this chick then I would get married. You can't go into this relationship not getting married now.

 

[RickTheToad]

Prenup

Worthless if challenged.

Some very good points here to why, and good advice on how to handle this situation. However, i strongly concur with others who are saying that this is just a topic of misaligning values, values that you have to agree 100% on for a future together. She's probably going to relax and revert back into normality but be certain that she's going to revisit this time and time and time again until you, or her leave the relationship because no compromise can be made.
You've been fair to her and we can't really know her motivations for the state cert. exactly, but we know she's a woman who's acting on her emotions and we're aware of the powerful effect the environment (aka 'the herd') has on a woman, where sense of belonging in her group is way stronger than the influence any man can have on her.
Picture yourself 5 months in where everything is just a bliss between you two and she's having a conversation with her good friend Stacy (married) who's talking about her happy life with her husband and showing her newborn child, and then the question comes: "So what's up with you and the slimy toad? has he proposed yet? -no, but why? jeez girl, you know you deserve better. I would never tolerate this from my Jimmy." Then this is going to stir up another storm in her head for you to defuse. A woman will only make sense of your stance into something like "if he really loved me, he would do ANYTHING for me because that's what love is about. He did for that ex-wh0re of his, so why am I not worthy! buhu" and it's going to be a big thorn in her side fueled by her surroundings. The cycle will continue.

A wise man once said: IF you're going to marry, marry the woman you say you're never ever going to marry. If she still sticks with you after that, then you know you've got someone worthy of consideration.
Not realistic in today's society where women are told they deserve it all, but still a good guideline to weed out all the hidden agendas.
I'd call it the ultimate test on women, lol.

Understand where you are coming from. Certainly have a feeling this may come around again and then I would have to end it. I am hoping she comes to her senses, but I understand if she doesn't.

NEVER, EVER get married. Nothing good will come out of this for you. As soon as you sign the contract, she will think she has the upper hand and everything will change after a short time.

The State contract is never happening.

In most places, like here in Ontario, it does not matter whether you are married or not. If you live like a family, you are legally married even if no ceremony/marriage license happened.

Recently a rich guy in Toronto lost a case against his girlfriend of 8 years. Never married, no kids, she maintained her own residence. He is on the hook paying alimony to her because throughout the years they have been together he maintained a certain lifestyle level for her.

Just something to consider.

Unmarried Ontario couple had no children and no house but man must still pay support, appeal court rules

A wealthy businessman will have to pay more than $50,000 a month in spousal support for 10 years to a woman with whom he had a long-term romantic relationship even though they kept separate homes and had no children together, Ontario's top court has ruled.

nationalpost.com

.

That's called common law in the States. It's not in effect in CT. It was taken off the books many years ago.

@Atom Smasher took the words out of my mouth. She thought she would persuade you to change your mind in time. Part of her upset is at HERSELF for staying with you and holding that belief.

I see this both ways, having been the breadwinner with a full time parent spouse and divorce court was a scary proposition indeed. My ex husband could have crucified me financially but he didn’t (and it’s not lost on me in the least that this is the point being made)...

There is a 3rd option, one that is much stronger than a prenuptial and that is a trust. You put all your assets in a trust, you own nothing legally. That situation might be a good option for @TonyTenner to consider for example to protect family land....

You’d need to consult a good trust attorney to set it up properly but that is what I have done. This protects my assets in case I do something like get married again (which I am very trepidacious about for the same reasons as OP)...

It changes things when you have stuff to lose.

Big time

Yes and I can see your point. While an irrevocable trust may work, banks do not like them for mortgages. Yes, things would be protected, but I'd not be able to obtain a mortgage as I wouldn't actually own the properties. So the trust is out, and pre-nups are garbage. She offered to sign one, but that doesn't protect me from legal fees or discovery. In addition, I would have to list all assets as well as give her a fair amount in the pre-nup in order for it to be valid. One cannot win these days.

 

[7onriverI f]

Yes, that is what I am doing... Just letting it settle down. I've compromised all that can be done. She has to think about it and see if this is something she'll be cool with. However, you'd be right to reconsider us if she brings this up again and become hysterical like she was this past week. I've never her seen her like that. Again, she's blaming COVID, her period and work stress (she's up for a promotion that she may get. If not, her position will be terminated within the year). I am sure this is something very much on her mind as well. I am not making excuses, just calling it how it seems.

Tell her you lost all your money gambling, get a crappy job, appear to own nothing flash and see if she still wants to get married dude.

 

[RickTheToad]

lol you don't even love her rick. You too worried about your wealth.

She will notice this and probably use it against you in the future whether you get married or not.

For you rick save the drama and Just dump her now. Plently of other girls out there that wanna be banged. You have displayed weakness just talking about this with her and if ONLY you can deal with losing some of your wealth in the future from this chick then I would get married. You can't go into this relationship not getting married now.

Not true at all. However, I've been through the ringer already. I refuse to allow my assets to be controlled and gifted by third parties (court & lawyers) should it not work out. Worked myself out of the streets of Queens, NY. I have no intention of going back there due to divorce. While it will be painful to have to let her go, I will. It would be more painful losing everything, or most things due to a piece of paper.

 

[RickTheToad]

Tell her you lost all your money gambling, get a crappy job, appear to own nothing flash and see if she still wants to get married dude.

Kinda hard to do that. She already knows I work as a PA at the hospital and have real estate as a side business.

 

[7onriverI f]

Kinda hard to do that. She already knows I work as a PA at the hospital and have real estate as a side business.

Your on here bragging about that your quite well off and your probably doing that in real life as well. Stop doing that.