The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Juanto]

Isnt it just better to not know absolutely nothing more about the exgf life after you break up? I personally just blocked her on all platforms, I really have no idea whats shes been up to (although I was the dumper)

 

[resilient]

Isnt it just better to not know absolutely nothing more about the exgf life after you break up? I personally just blocked her on all platforms, I really have no idea whats shes been up to (although I was the dumper)

Absolutely, man. You're back to being your cool DJ self, which should be focused on doing whatever the hell you want, not for her or anyone else for that matter. You don't have time to wonder if she misses you or wants you back.

Day 6
Getting easier. I've been reading a ton of threads here that's helping me with my frame. Journaling. Setting goals. I'm in a mini-monk mode of sorts, trying to figure myself out. Working on my frame, deconditioning, examining why I always channel a need for a LTR too damn early when I need to focus on having fun and spinning plates. I read Improve SMV thread by Reykhel that's motivating me to go mini-monk mode until I can accomplish some personal milestones that don't all revolve around women. I.e. scuba diving certification, getting my own place or roommates, research and apply to grad school, continual daily HIIT exercise (dropped 20 lbs, now 7% bf....), climb taller mountains (I'm up to 10,800 ft, going for class2 13,400 ft. summit). Best part? Having hobbies and interests that keep my mind off ex-fwb and dating in general.

One weird part about going mini-monk, I've gone out twice for social co-ed events since I dumped the ex-fwb and women with bf/husbands/kids approach me and ask a lot of questions/probing - felt weird... I act aloof, not interested and they seem to want to get me to open up more? Taken women are weird. I'm not used to that kind of attention...

 

[BeTheChange]

Just thought I'd pop in to give some hope to the rest of the troops.

Boys, it does get easier. Much easier.

I do bump into my ex from time to time as we live quite close together.

I don't count the days anymore as we do occasionally speak.

I've forgiven her for all the garbage she put me through.

I've forgiven myself for the pain I caused her and for allowing myself to be so exposed to the whimsical nature of women, but most importantly I've forgiven myself for being weak (or deluded) enough to be taken in by the Disney fantasy of the absolute assurance of a woman's love, in spite of having been on this site since the age of 21. Never again.

It was only in June that she moved out and July that we split up permanently, but I honestly can't remember what it felt like to wake up next to her everyday and play happy families. It feels completely alien to me.

Know that you will adjust to the new normal and you will learn to be happy alone. Until then, enjoy the journey. A break up can be a blessing that transforms your life if you allow it. Embrace the pain, grow, and then move on.

 

[Firestar786]

2.5 months

Can't even remember her lol

Strangely she dies wonder into my thoughts from time to time

Giving myself 6 months then I'm sure it'll no longer

 

[BeTheChange]

2.5 months

Can't even remember her lol

Strangely she dies wonder into my thoughts from time to time

Giving myself 6 months then I'm sure it'll no longer

It's crazy how quickly you forget...quite sad actually...oh well!

 

[Adz--]

Yeah, that's the kicker, it's the knowing that you saw and acknowledged all the signs and moved forward with her anyway. That's the beat down that really stings. Doubles the suffering.
I'm on Day 95 of NC, but I doubt I would be if she didn't have someone else. As much as I hate it, I'm glad that aspect is there because it's helping me "stay sober" so to speak

I'd be in the same boat as you man, whats keeping me back is that my close friends, family and sisters have said that she's a wack job and not to go back. If I did I know my close friends would slap me till I saw sense.

Exactly that, the fact that she was a narscisstic, BPD, sociopath that had me in her hands like play dough didn't help.
I should have known better and seen all the signs in her surroundings.
What's done is done I can't go back and change it. Got to move forward with this lesson in mind now.
It's funny how they can do it with ease though.

Adz--

 

[Tony197]

Day 50. 3.5 months post BU.

Went to yoga for the first time last night and one of the exercises, appropriately, was letting go. Breathing it in and then letting it all go...

I realize now I didn't really love her and wouldn't want her back if she returned. I didn't want that relationship, but I didn't want to be the one to end it and hurt her (she's gone through a lot of **** in her life - RED FLAG). So I got what I wanted, without the guilt and regret. I just couldn't have imagined how much it was going to hurt seeing her immediately get with someone else. But what's that about? Ego.

Funnily enough, y'know what's helped? Reading the smut mags about the Taylor Swift - Calvin Harris, Tom Hiddleston, and now Zac Efron nonsense. Timeline is roughly congruent and it reminds me of my ex. Some women are just never happy unless they're in a new relationship. It's sad, unattractive, and while you're hurting, the rest of the world is looking at her with pity and scorn because she's acting a fool. You on the other hand are improving yourself. So just be glad you got out before sh!t really hit the fan.

My advice to everyone on here - stop looking at it from your POV and especially hers. Yours is tainted and hers is unknowable and ever-changing. What do the people you care about think? Chances are, they admire your strength, and pity her foolishness and neediness. She's proven she must replace you to be happy. You've proven you don't need her or anyone else to be happy.

"Regret is worse than rejection." I've been rejected, but I have no regrets. So while the pain is temporary, I won't have to carry this with me the rest of my life. I suspect she will.

 

[Reykhel]

I said it before and I'll say it again:

Know, before you enter into any "relationship", that this will end.

She will reject you, you will reject her or death will sweep down it's hand and end things.

Know this deeply. Why? Here are two elements that end up hurting people. Getting attached to things and people (and abstract notions such as relationships) and taking things and people for granted (add your health to that)

In buddhism there is a meditation on death. Many people think this is negative, but that perspective couldn't be further from the truth. When you keep death in mind, you realize the transient nature of beings and it awakens you not to cling on to people but also not to take them for granted.

How often are you with your partner but both of you are not in the present moment (impossible to connect with a person if your not in the present moment) you are somewhere else. It's only after it's over or the person has died and we look back and it all.......seemed like a dream. It wasn't real. Because in many ways it wasn't. It can't have been real if you weren't present.

Know it will end. Know they will die. Be present, but never grasp. Not only will it cause you damage when she flies away, but grasping ends up crushing the sparrow too.

 

[resilient]

Know it will end. Know they will die. Be present, but never grasp. Not only will it cause you damage when she flies away, but grasping ends up crushing the sparrow too.

This. The experience with someone helps cultivate an attitude of gratitude, not necessarily loss when you can look at the experience objectively. They were not the source of all your inner happiness.

You're happy someone significant enjoyed time with you, yet you know when they (or you decide to) leave; you're grateful for those good times and bad times shared.

The world won't stop spinning, so go with the tide and see what tomorrow brings.

 

[Adz--]

Day 17

She kept on coming into my thoughts whilst at work, also had way too much time to think about other things at work and my boss was being a little b*tch.
I feel full off rage right now and want to lash out. This amount of rage isn't healthy. I feel like wanting to smoke a cigarette, but I quit for 2\3 months now.

I feel like going to this dumb b*tchs house and slapping her, and finding the other dude she was banging and beating the life out of him.

I'm think I'm just going to spend some time out of the house by my self to try and clear my mind cos I feel like I'm messing my self up.

Adz--

 

[Cerwin Vega]

774 days NC

Haha seriously, I bet no-one from 2 years ago is still here (page 300~ of this thread).

To all the newcomers, hang in there. It's totally worth it!

My crazy ex has been trying to track me and my girfriend, she ****ed up big time by accidentally following her on instagram, poor sap
She also been through at least 3 relationships so far, cheated on at least 2 of them, got engaged, broke it off because "the guy was too needy"...oh girl I hope you'll find your peace.

Currently a 2nd year med student, visiting here for the sake of the old days. I'm about 97% cured, it's been a long road and one hell of a breakup. I'll never fall for a BPD again. Looking back, I can't find anything remotely attractive about her, what a foolish teen I was...

 

[Firestar786]

It been around the 90 day mark

Ex has added me back to whatsapp

Any ideas why ?

 

[Juanto]

It been around the 90 day mark

Ex has added me back to whatsapp

Any ideas why ?

How do you "add" someone on whatsapp?

 

[alex_in24]

Agreed. Never be the guy wanting the relationship. Ever. That is the woman's territory. I agree with Corey Wayne on on that totally. As soon as the guy moves away from being a fun guy who has great sex with his woman and starts pursuing it all goes wrong. Let the woman be the one to bring the subject of relationships up.

I tell you. My ex, I have discussed on this thread. The one who dumped me three times? She is blowing up my phone texting me, she loves me, misses me and what i did to her in bed, I was the man of her dreams the one and only. I have not seen her in six months and have been ignoring her. What does it prove? It makes them miss you and wonder about you and fantasize about you. She's texting me pictures of her and her vibrator saying this could be me and she misses it with me. How things turn around. @alex_in24 said it perfectly in June when he replied to me that I will be the one who is missed and she will be the one heartache. Thankyou brother for your wisdom. I continue to ignore her and I am three months in with another woman who we have wild sex with and great times. Ex still casts a long shadow though - I will admit to that.

I am always willing to help here brother, and I am glad that u found a woman who appreciates u and respects u utterly. As I said in June, what goes around comes around. And it came around brother,as for u, and as for me also.

Exactly 6 months since my break up, and 5 months of NC, yesterday my ex liked a photo on FB which i was tagged in with 2 beautiful woman, and I sleep with 1 of them. Since I have blocked her and I couldn't have seen the like, my friend who is also tagged in the picture called me at 10 am. She called me to say that my ex liked that photo and immediately called her on the phone (she was our mutual friend, still rarely sees my ex). My ex was asking my friend questions like : Who was Alex with on that party ? Is that his girlfriend next to him ? Did they kiss eachother in front of u ? How is he doing? He seems happy etc etc.

I wasn't shocked, wasn't happy, wasn't sad. I just knew that would happen, eventually. So I was not surprised. How did I know that ? I got my fvcking life in order my brothers. My studies are going super great. I got a raise. My looks are great and my social circle and respect that I get from people are enormous.

Its not going to be a surprise if she tries to directly contact me in near future, since she is walking around my building every other day and looks up to my window if she can see me...

So yeah, what goes around comes around.

 

[Fireballs]

~170 days NC

My top/favourite plate broke this week and have found myself thinking about my ex again .. It almost felt like day 1 all over again the other day.

Working really hard on finding my centre again and staying there.

Stay strong bro's

 

[Firestar786]

How can u think of your ex after 6 months lol

 

[BeTheChange]

How can u think of your ex after 6 months lol

Strange isn't it. 2 months free and I couldn't care less.

Still have the odd moment of anger over how I got played towards the end...but then objectively I played her just as hard if not worse throughout most of the relationship so I shrug my shoulders and get on with my day. Time heals and it has taught me that in the grander scheme of things all of this utterly insignificant. It's all about perspective. Be zen.

Wish her the best.

Would still bang though.

 

[Firestar786]

Lol

Your ex sounded f0vked up
Mine was also f0cked up

Better to replace

 

[BeTheChange]

God damn I love bishes
Especially when they only such d1ck and
wash dishes
Cook and clean and grant my wishes

 

[Grozer Compozer]

Final Update : Success

About 2.5 months since breakup. Mostly NC with minimal texting.

I have reached No Contact Nirvana. This is defined as the state at which you realize under no circumstances would you trade your current situation to return to the ex that dumped you.

How did I get here?

Right after the breakup, take NC serious. Just block her out completely. Know that there will be pain, jealousy, etc. If not, you are not a human. Embrace the pain but let it flow through you.
The pain makes you who you are. Work out like a madman. Chase your dreams. Stay positive. Spin plates... hard. I jumped into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Lost a ton of weight and its hard to obsess about your ex when someone is trying to strangle you.

I worked on my social circle. Within a few weeks I met a new girl and we started dating. I was dating tons of other people concurrently. As time passed, I realized the new girl was a total catch. If my ex called me up begging for another chance and offering unlimited sex, I'd say no (maybe... pump n dump), because I know the baggage that goes with fixing an old relationship. This new one is fresh. I won't eat rotten fruit with worms in it, why would I feel differently about relationship that has expired? The new girl makes me very happy. She is like a delicious apple with no worms.

Conclusion: NC works. Spinning plates works. This forum works. Game works. You must be fluid, present, yet detached. Good luck!

Edit: I just went through the exes FB feed for the first time in 3 months. Why? Ask J.W. Goethe. Experience the pain. Get through it. I'm happier now. The greatest danger of NC is running away and burying your problems deeper instead of facing the fear and moving on.