"You're a nice person"

[Single4Life]

When girls say you are a nice person and don't want to date you ....

it's because you are making everything about HER and nothing is about YOU.

You are giving up things you like to do, because you like her so much you want to make her feel comfortable. It makes sense to you, right? But not to her.... she wants you to stand up for yourself.

So, continue being a sweet, loving person to her - BUT CHANGE ONE THING - have your own opinions, and intentionally say no to her every so often with a good reason, so she knows you have a backbone but are not being mean.

Example - go out of your way to do sweet things for her, and help her out, BUT THEN when she asks you to do something that would infringe upon something you want to do/like :

Nice guy :
Her : "Hey, can you do X for me?"
You : "Yes I will do it"


Nice guy with a backbone
Her : "Hey, can you do x for me?"

You : "Normally I would, but I want to do x right now. When I'm done, if you still need help, I'll do it for you"

 

[floydb25]

Honestly, bro... From all the posts you've made and messages you've sent - it sounds like you need therapy. You're just keeping yourself stuck in these same negative patterns and repeating the same mistakes. You're just going around in circles. That's what depression and low self-esteem does. Even if a girl was to show interest - you'd probably run for the hills, and chase after someone who doesn't want you instead. Then, you'd ***** about how no one wants you. Possibly even to the same girl who DOES want you. I know what you're going through, because I suffer(ed) from the same thing. Nothing is going to change until you change. This is not healthy or normal.

Take PoF, for instance. You know what the people are like on there, and expect to get rejected. That's what happens. Then you go right back into the same slump, and continue on with your negative views about people. You assume they're all trash, no one likes you, they're just going to use you, so you might as well not bother. And this is how you keep yourself stuck. You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know these people are going to reject you.

You have all these grand ideas about love and relationships, build these fantasies up in your head - then bail as soon as you find a decent girl, and go right back to a nasty one who destroys this image. You are also trying to cure your emptiness through sex and women. If ONLY you had these things - you'd be so much happier. But you don't actually want these things. Nor do you want to improve. You just make up excuses and have unrealistic expectations, so that way you don't have to get involved with anyone, and can keep saying everyone is worthless. Round and round it goes.

Even your posts about male friends are negative. Everything is negative, and your behaviors are self-destructive. You need to break out of these cycles, because nothing you are doing is helping. It's just making it worse and worse. Negativity feeds negativity. You need to snap out of it.

The first step is recognizing and accepting what's going on. Then you can seek help and change.

 

[The_411]

I'll be honest 411, a lot of it is me simply:

1.)not having a busy enough life at the moment and having too much time to think.

2.)having emotional problems (diagnosed chemical depression/OCD/ADD.)

Combine those two and you get disaster.

I really would like to move anyway regardless of women. New England is a really sh1tty place (to me anyway.) If it were up to me (which it might very well soon be) I'd be down south somewhere. I'm really into nature/laid back settings. New England is just a bunch of jerks who think their sh1t doesn't stink and it's an ugly place (there are nice parts like cape cod but most of new england is ugly and dark and extremely unpicturesque and boring.)

The real problem is finding a way to overcome the obsessive thinking about sex. It isn't hormones. Like I said, I don't masturbate much or look at porn much anymore. It's just an obsession.

For some reason, I just obsess over the not having sex thing, even though I know I'm not going to settle for some borderline UG on a dating site. I really would like a girlfriend that I can talk to and be attracted to, but because of my emotional problems, I get obsessed with the sex part, go on pof, argue with c0cky, psycho b1tches then get angry and bitter.

I do care about looks for the women I meet, but let's put it this way, this is my idea of a 10 and seriously doubt even in her prime she would be a 10 to many guys on this site:

http://images.search.yahoo.com/sear...gilpin&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-701

I have the same issues you do (ADD, depression), my biggest issue has been getting too attached (read needy dependent) with women.

It's not a disaster, it's merely an obstacle. Use the power of positive thinking. Believe me I too, question, over think things, ruminate etc.

You've sort of wrapped yourself in a downward spiral.

Hence my best advice being going to the Bunny Ranch or some other brothel and just get it over with. In doing so you'll get rid of the pressure of losing your v card.

Your other best bet would be a MILF/cougar as they tend to love teaching young inexperienced guys about sex/love etc.

Sex isn't going to perfect and its likely not going to be with the right girl. Get over the obsession with perfection. Megan Fox has toe thumbs, xyz model has no breasts. All these "perfect women" aren't perfect. Sure they're more beautiful but they do the same stuff we do fart, crap, burp etc. There are a lot of women who can be attractive for a variety of reasons. You just need to stop filtering and avoiding because a girl doesn't look like Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel or whatever.

The key for you is having an emotional outreach. The key is to build a social network which means making friends. In doing so you'll get to meet woman who usually have gone through social friendship filters which doesn't ensure quality but tends to increase your chances.

As I said earlier get the f away from PoF. Stop interacting with anyone there.

Start with something you like to do. Get with buddies and go out to bars to watch sports. Go to NYC with some buddies, get to the Hamptons etc.

Be resourceful, do not say no, and embrace every opportunity as an opportunity.

Go to random events by yourself just to learn and experience.

The main issue is that you are in such a rush to have sex that you're skipping the necessary steps.

Sex isn't a hobby and it isn't an event it's just sex.

Moving isn't the answer unless you solve your issues.

Get on a full time workout regime if you aren't already on it.

See a PDoc to get on some meds and therapy. It helps a lot.

Set goals for yourself professionally, socially, etc. Make short term/intermediate long term goals.

Eliminate items that prevent you from being a better you.

Get rid of TV, get rid out your Xbox ps3 etc. (Or at least put them away in a closet.)

Make it a goal to change 5 things to your routine each day.

 

[rhcp83]

I'll address these one at a time.

Single4Life...women say that before even knowing anything about me. Perception equals reality. But like I also said, it's not all women and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I get told by a few douche women that I'm creepy, goofy, unattractive, "nice looking" and let it affect me.

Floyd...I'm on meds, and have been to doctors. I agree with some of the things you said. I've never "bailed" on a woman I dated though. The first girl broke up with me (I was needy/clingy since it was my first relationship of any kind), the second girl, we just split up mutually...she was separated with a kid (at 24) and would hear from her literally like once a week if that. The other was that psycho date I went on a date with a month ago.

The POF is a bad addiction. That's what it is. And no doctor has been able to help me with it. I don't think women are some cure all, but I do think knowing about sex would get rid of a lot of this. I go on POF subconsciously because I think (even though experience and logic says that it won't happen) that I'll meet some girl on there to take the v card.

The fact is, the only women on there are low class skanks/women with major, major issues/women looking for Brad Pitt on top of it, and like you said, I go on there, get some rejections/ignored messages/nasty things said to me and it starts affecting my opinion of all women.

411: Like I said I'm on meds. Therapy, for some reason, doctors don't want to talk about this kind of stuff. It's like it reminds them of when they were younger and didn't get women or something. I tell them everything I tell you guys, and they literally just sit there and change the subject or say "what else have you been up to?"

As far as a brothel or bunny ranch...don't have that type of money.

As far as milfs...that's part of the reason I go on pof...figure "maybe I'll find a 35/40 year old woman to help me out and just get it over with," but they're all "not like that" or "Oh if only I were 10 years younger."

The milf thing would be the ideal, because I could get the sex, no expectations as far as following up with a relationship, sex would be demystified, the "I'm a virgin" bitterness would go away, and I could just work on my issues and wait until whenever I was ready for a girlfriend. Just hasn't happened. The women on there all claim "Oh I'm not like that."

Edit: While it might seem like I like drama, I'm looking to make my life easier. I feel that once I have sex, I'll have a real life depiction of what sex is like and even if I want more of it, it will be because I had real experience and want more of what I had, not a fantasy. I'm not expecting it to be this magical, larger than life thing especially the first time. I just have a very stubborn/obsessive mind and need concrete evidence (experience) so the mental obsession ends.

One thing's for sure...if some opportunity presents itself (i.e. woman is interested in sex whether online or in person and she's even a 5 or 6) I'm game. I just won't bang a fattie/warpig/ug/woman that isn't ug but I'm turned off by. But if she even registers a "5" in my book, I'm down.

 

[sambwoy]

Some things I guess in life can be acheived with a positive attitude, but there is a lot of truth in what floyd has put.

I have never been part of a woman's world- just been made to feel exempt from it for not conforming either physically or mentally. People outcast others all the time.

Life is so much worse than 'not easy' as is said in loads of anecdotes and tough love rants about life, which mostly do not work for me and only makes me angrier than I have been recently-

There are things we just flat out cannot get. A lot of things that I believed in turned out to just be wishful thinking. Nightmares do come true because a lot of people are morons, including those in dating.

 

[floydb25]

Sam: we all have insecurities and self-defeating behaviors. Even when I was accepted by women - I was so insecure that I drove them all away. Just didn't feel like I was meant to be accepted. I always viewed myself as undeserving and not good enough. But I wasn't always attractive or in good shape, and was very isolated and anti-social during the school years. That stuff sticks, and is hard to break out of. It's mostly in your mindset. Fear is the worst thing to run your life by, and I did just that for many years. I refused to believe that anyone could like me, so I went after those who didn't.

So, even with being attractive and having women show all this interest - if you feel like **** and tell yourself you don't deserve this - you can still isolate and reject yourself from other people, and be completely unsuccessful. The more you believe it - the more you act on it - the more true it becomes. You tend to sabotage a lot of good things when you have fear and low self-esteem. You can literally have women begging to have sex or go out with you, but if you don't believe you're good enough / there's no way someone could be interested in you - you're gonna destroy those chances quickly. Then go right back to feeling horrible and unwanted. It's not fun, and not healthy. Nor is it realistic. It's a vicious cycle.

 

[HappyHarryHardon]

OMFG... not to be rude but from your PM's I knew after that something was wrong with you. Can just tell from all the things you say and you keep going on and on about the same crap man. You're whack! ADD and OCD, explains it... maybe that should be the thread title! You're wasting too much fuking time on here complaining. There's always places to be and things to do even if you live in a sh1tty small town... there's b1tches everywhere. Go talk to someone christ sakes lol. Or hurry up and save and move.

 

[Chamber36]

Yo. When I was 15 my friends put me in a bathroom stall and threw in a hooker.

I didn't fvck her because I was sorta freaked out.

But you need to go and see a prostitute imho. Just so you can get rid of the 'fantasy' of having sex.

And I guess you gotta be 'broken' in the easy way. If you're 28 and you're a virgin, then that is the best advice I can give you.

 

[HappyHarryHardon]

Also, try okcupid as well. I don't encourage online dating sites because it's a pain in the ass and you get rejected A LOT!!! I spent hours on those sites and I did get lucky but it's not worth it just to get laid. I've met many many women online. Not just from dating sites, but chatting clients like msn etc. It's landed me many girls but it sure wasn't worth all the hassle. Like last year, I met a girl on okcupid and I got her number straight away, met up the next weekend and we were having sex for 2 months almost every weekend. I was just lucky she wasn't one of them b1tches. She was a 7 in the face... but 5 on body cause she had a bit of meat. Not fat or anything, just a bit chubby. So you might get lucky online but it will fuk with your head bad. I'm not lying. It's like working a job hunting for women online. It's ten times easier going to a night club and scoring. BELIEVE ME! Choice is yours.

Now go do something and stop coming here and complaining about it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

 

[floydb25]

Yeah, this is an unhealthy obsession you have, and signals a much greater problem. The reason the therapists avoid the topic is because this isn't the cause. It's just what you focus on, obsess over, and blame everything for. It's your escape. There are much deeper issues at play here. They're trying to get to the root of what is causing these behaviors. It is not women and dating. That's not causing the obsession. It's just what you're obsessing over. Big difference. They can't fix the problem until they find the cause, and get to the root of it all. It's your issues that's causing this - not women. Unless you fix those issues - nothing is going to change.

It's similar to a person who gets involved in abusive relationships. They're not going to guide them through the relationships, and focus on that aspect, but why they are getting involved with them in the first place. What issues they have that is causing this behavior. The depression, low self-esteem, abusive pasts, etc. That's what they get down to, and try to fix. That is the cause.

With you obsessing, crying, *****ing, being negative, repeating the same patterns, making these threads, and messaging apparently everyone with the same **** - there's a much greater problem at work. You need help.

Even if you do find a girl, have sex, get a relationship, etc - you still have deep-seeded issues that's always gonna cause you to be miserable and unhappy. Gonna have a lot of toxic, unhealthy encounters with women - even moreso when you get involved with them. These issues aren't going away once you get "laid".

 

[rhcp83]

A few things.

Floyd...I'm not denying I have mental issues beyond this.

The "excuses"...I think I'll take Mike32ct's opinion a little more seriously (someone who lives in the same area) and knows what the women are like. That has nothing to do with my mental illness and everything to do with what the game is like here. I consider it no coincedence that even with my "issues" I talked to more women on my vacations (a couple weeks time) than in this area total my whole life. Has nothing to do with excuses or approach anxiety. Has to do with having a pond to fish in.

Also, I'm 99.9999 percent certain, if I had sex even just once, 1.)I wouldn't be on pof, 2.)I wouldn't be on this site. I would still have other issues to deal with, but I would not be on here or pof or obsessed with women.

So Floyd, stop pretending you know me.

 

[floydb25]

Whatever you say. Already gave my opinion. Do as you will.

 

[rhcp83]

I'm getting help for the other problems. (I don't want to talk about them in detail on here, because they're personal and also not what this site is about.)

I agree with you...that women are not the answer...that if anything, getting in a serious relationship at this moment in time wouldn't be a smart idea. If you're not happy, a relationship isn't going to make you happy and the issues are just going to come out in the relationship anyway.

I do know, though, that this obsession with sex, is just that, an obsession with sex. Seeing it on tv all these years, hearing how "great" it is...seeing guys lives ruined over it after having it (getting with the wrong women just because they're providing a steady flow of sex.) And getting that close to it and doing everything else. I'm curious, and curiosity turned into a full-blown obsession.

I'd still have the other issues to deal with, but the obsession would be over. If I wanted sex after, it would be based on reality, not some "What's sex like?" curiosity.

Edit: Not expecting you to Mike. Don't worry. Was just confirming what you said about New England being tough game-wise. I can see where it just sounds like excuses, but they'd have to live here to see what it's like.

 

[Mike32ct]

I'm not getting in the middle here. All I said was New England is very tough game-wise. I'm not taking sides or attacking any other posters' opinions.

 

[perseverance]

I'd rather be a nice person and suck with women then be an absolute vile cretin who scores with women, but then I don't seem to rely on women like much of the men on here do, so I'll probably get criticised for this statement.

 

[floydb25]

Ah, but what I'm saying is, its the obsessive personality that is causing this - not the obsession with sex itself. Sex is just what you're obsessing about. The trigger, if you will. And it certainly is an obsession, and can be an addiction. But there's usually an underlying cause for this. That's all I'm saying. This is usually the case, and my opinion on that matter.

I'm not trying to pretend to know you. I suffer from many of the same issues. That's why this was brought up at all. I obsess over and get addicted to everything. Ha ha. It's just part of my personality. I see a lot of similarities in the things you say, and how I think / am. It's very easy to relate. It's not quite as bad anymore. Mostly just gotta retrain your brain, even though its hard as balls to break familiar patterns. Negative patterns are still patterns, and depression is a ***** when it comes to that. I know exactly what its like to dwell and obsess over the negatives. That's what these crap issues / disorders do.

What I find helps is realizing that its not you, but its something you have, and must deal with. Then go from there, and specifically pay attention to what you're doing. It may feel normal since you're used to it, but its not actually normal. Then you can make the changes necessary - after realizing these issues and self-destructive patterns. Don't try to rationalize it. That's very counter-intuitive to your progress.

 

[HappyHarryHardon]

Just stop talking already. This thread can go on and on forever. Wasting time man, go get laid already!

 

[The_411]

rhcp83,

Sounds like you need a new therapist. The right one will listen and challenge you, but ultimately will make you take action and initiate choice. Their job is to unbind you from the blocks that inhibit you from making choices.

The best way to get out of your head is to work on thinsg that make you happy and slowly expand that circle.

Sex isn't the end all be all. Sure it's fun and nice to have a girlfriend but ultimately that should never be one's life or the focus.

Sex and women are a compliment to your life.

Build up your finances, build up your body, build up your mind, build up your social network, build up a career, build up your hobbies, then after all that come women and sex.

You can't skip the the core building blocks otherwise you will continue to fail becuase you have no depth.

 

[rhcp83]

411...I have other goals and hobbies besides women/dating/sex. Life would be pretty boring for anyone if their only interest was women.

I've been saving up to go on a vacation to Seattle in the summer. Always wanted to go there. If I don't meet one single woman there/get a makeout/lay, it won't even matter, because traveling and seeing new areas in and of itself is a high to me.

It's just frustrating when you're not ugly, have had dates with women you find attractive and are a virgin at 28. But HarryHardOn is right...talking about it isn't going to do a damn good.

Btw...something interesting...to try to appeal to the milfs on pof...I jacked my age up to 32...then in small print on the bottom explain that I'm 28, but looking to attract older women, and much more women have been looking at my profile.

 

[Wildebeest]

"You're a nice person"
"**** YOU *****" *Headbutts her in the face and walks off*