yep, I'm really f'd in the head now

[86]

86 (yours truly) dates girl for around 6 months....

relationship is strong, they get along extremely well and everything is peachy....86 is a happy guy.

2 weeks or so ago, girl tells 86 that she can't have an intimate relationship anymore because her work schedule has become too busy. her explanation is that she has become too attached to 86 and feels that because of that, it might 'influence' any decisions she makes concerning her career, etc. -- for example, she wouldn't want to loose out on money from her job (independent contractor) just because she'd rather spend some quality time with her main man 86.

86 is caught way off guard with this sudden announcement.

the girl has slight income issues, BUT she is also moving into a new apartment next month that will cut her rent costs by 2/3rds. she has even said she's doing this so that she will not have to work as often and have more time for 86.

the basic point here is how should 86 handle this girl he has been dating for 6 months, she seemingly wants to continue the relationship, but pulls this bullsh1t about letting things cool off because she "has to do this right now."

86 has a bunch of different possibilities of things to say to this girl, but wants to hear everyone's opinion.

sorry for the talking in 3rd person crap, just a weird mood i'm in today

 

[TesuqueRed]

3rd person: sounds like you're disassociating from the situation in order to see it objectively (or go into denial..I dunno..)

Her: sounds like a variation on the "I need space" theme. Give it to her. Lot's of good threads on that in the past.

 

[squirrels]

Hmm...

It's her choice. If she doesn't want to be intimate with you any more, just fade out. If she's bluffing, or seriously wants to be with you, she'll find you. It's not like YOU dumped HER...she wanted to give up the intimacy, let her. Meet other people, get on with your own life. She wants "space." Give her "space."

Don't take it personally...maybe she's just not the "one". If she is, she'll either come back, or she'll talk a big game about "taking a break" but be in your bed again that night.

Remember, you are a sensual experience to be enjoyed, but you certainly can't expect that sensual experience to be the only thing in her life if she is a mature and well-rounded individual. You will see, from her actions, whether she REALLY wants to continue with that experience. If not, smile, walk away, be depressed for a day or two if you have to get it out of your system, then get on with your life.

BTW, in case you didn't know, this is NOT a NEXT...just try to focus on other stuff. Hanging on and being like, "NO! You can't leavev meee!" is just going to push her further away.

 

[Doppler4000]

There's an awful lot of stuff you can do right now to make her NOT ever want to reconsider her desire for space. Most of those things are probably exactly what you have the urge to do right now. You're just gonna have to let her know how you feel about her and then just chill and let it be for awhile.

 

[86]

yeah, all good points, I'm fighting the urge to call her on a daily basis. there's just so much stuff I want to say to her, good and bad, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I think we all agree that the ball is in her court.

the thing that gets me is how the hell is this girl expecting things between us to ever be the same? I'm already beginning to resent her for basically pulling back on our relationship, and trust me, we were both mutually satisfied with the way things were going. if she decides to come back to me, I'll probably roll over and let her because I don't want to throw away the last 6 months just because she can't balance her career and love life right now. either that or maybe she's not even planning on coming back to me at all, but I find that hard to believe because, like I said, she has had no complaints and seemed as happy as I was.

the other night she calls me a little bit before 10pm (I left her voice mail earlier, yeah yeah I know ) and asks me to come out to a bar and hang out w/ her and her friends that are visiting from out of town. in retrospect I probably shouldn't have gone in the first place, but I hadn't seen her in like 10 days - 2 weeks. even driving there I started having bad vibes... anyway, she hasn't seen this one friend in 3 years and basically I got to sit and listen to their pointless college-drinking escapades. I get face to face w/ my girl and she pulls the same crap on me - "I can't, 86, we talked about this...blah blah blah." I should've paid my tab, got up and left right then and there. but I didn't because I was acting like a stupid desperate AFC w/ no balls. anyway, later on my girl mentions her and her friends dinner plans for the next day and then I overhear her talking about some out of town trip she's making next week, so great , I've definitely taken the back seat now. funny how she seemed to make time for her visiting friends without too much trouble, I guess I was just worked into the evening for the sake of convenience.

what is it w/ women? you think you finally meet a good one and then all of a sudden it turns to sh1t, just like all the others. I'll quit ranting now.

 

[Krassus]

Sounds like she's full of it. Go screw other people like she's doing already.

 

[Gipper]

86,

"relationship is strong, they get along extremely well and everything is peachy...."

No, it's not.

Don't worry about being too f'ed in the head right now. That's probably her intention; to take your focus off the fact that she's flakier than a biscuit, and can't handle being around you. It sucks, but your best move right now is to cut off contact with her and begin laying the groundwork for a new chick.

If fact you should be sinking yourself into someone else within a month. I've seen this too many times before. She's made her decision; she's just trying to justify it now. If she's not seeing another guy, she's thinking about it.

"I don't want to throw away the last 6 months just because she can't balance her career and love life right now."

Career has nothing to do with this. It's just an excuse.

"I should've paid my tab, got up and left right then and there."

Yes, you should have.

Run, do not walk, from this chick.

Gipper

 

[Bungo Pony]

Gipper! How's it going

I agree with what Gipper said. You're not the one fvcked in the head, she is. She's pushing a great guy out of her life, and that's her stupid choice. She doesn't value her time with you. Therefore, she doesn't deserve time with you. Cut off your contact with her. Take some time for yourself to go through your thoughts. Then, go out and work on achieving a woman who will cherish the time she spends with you.

You're not throwing away the last 6 months, you've gained some LTR experience. Examine it and learn from it. You'll find some valuable knowledge of what and what not to do in a relationship.

Set yourself a day where you will cut her off completely from your life and stick to it. Afterwards, go out and make some physical changes to yourself. You'll feel a sense of "moving on". You have just been opened up to a path of new and exciting experiences. Take full advantage of this opportunity to do some personal changes. Good luck on your new path, and keep focussing on the positives!

 

[bothbarrels]

remember this...

People make time for the things or people they value in life. She is full of ****.

 

[ryoshi]

Originally posted by 86
yeah, all good points, I'm fighting the urge to call her on a daily basis. there's just so much stuff I want to say to her, good and bad, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I think we all agree that the ball is in her court.

I know how you feel. The ball may be in her court but you need to quit playing the game and go watch the hot chicks playing volleyball nearby.

She's a b|tch. You don't need that kind of sh.t!
Don't concern yourself with what she might be doing or up to unless you have the urge to talk to her again.

The only thing you can do is find a bunch of other girls. It's girls like that which make good guys go bad and turn to ultimate DJs.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Interesting comment 86 made about "not throwing away the last 6 months..." here. Some people have touched on it, but I think some other things need highlighting on it.

It's natural to think that thought. Unfortunately, you'll use it to cloud your thinking and make bad decisions.

If she's decided it's over, it's over. Maybe she's going back out on the market before she's fully ready and may come back (especially if her plans for a new guy fall thru)--and if you take her back so that you "don't throw away the last 6 months", she'll use what's left of your value to her (already diminishing as we speak) while she gets ready to set up something else and leave.

So does "not throwing away the last 6 months" mean that you'd be willing to stay with a mediocre to bad relationship--the more so the longer the relationship is--just so that you don't have to face admitting that something was no longer working? One problem is that you may have trouble seeing it as something that's just not working and emotionally think of it as "failure" and "wasted, lost time."

Analogy: it's like investors who buy into a stock, watch it drop and refuse to sell because they can't admit taking a loss, so they continue taking a bigger loss as it continues to drop, or they watch it sit at a low level for months and years--essentially freezing the money, refusing to take the loss and get the money into something better.

Notice how a lot of women (especially approaching 28+ in the married or face spinster-hood phase) will assess the relationship every 3-6 months and see if it's moving forward or stagnating? If it's stagnating, they will begin looking for a better investment (so to speak) and bring the current one to an end. It's a business decision of sorts. They're cutting losses and getting the capital working again as quickly as possible...

This might be what's behind the thing with you, 86.

I'd suggest confronting that thought or fear of thowing away the last 6 months and work through what it really means. Unaddressed--it can lead you into some bad decisions that will emotionally cost you more.

Also--I'm noticing you're focusing on what she's saying, which is causing the confusion. Hit the [mute] button and just look at what's going on.

 

[Blaaaaat]

Damn, I feel sorry for this guy... Some girls are really fcked up.

 

[ShortyBrown]

Originally posted by 86
86 (yours truly) dates girl for around 6 months....

relationship is strong, they get along extremely well and everything is peachy....86 is a happy guy.

2 weeks or so ago, girl tells 86 that she can't have an intimate relationship anymore because her work schedule has become too busy. her explanation is that she has become too attached to 86 and feels that because of that, it might 'influence' any decisions she makes concerning her career, etc. -- for example, she wouldn't want to loose out on money from her job (independent contractor) just because she'd rather spend some quality time with her main man 86.

86 is caught way off guard with this sudden announcement.

the girl has slight income issues, BUT she is also moving into a new apartment next month that will cut her rent costs by 2/3rds. she has even said she's doing this so that she will not have to work as often and have more time for 86.

the basic point here is how should 86 handle this girl he has been dating for 6 months, she seemingly wants to continue the relationship, but pulls this bullsh1t about letting things cool off because she "has to do this right now."

86 has a bunch of different possibilities of things to say to this girl, but wants to hear everyone's opinion.

sorry for the talking in 3rd person crap, just a weird mood i'm in today

*hands you a beer*

I was in a similar situation. Walk away. She's not coming back.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Gipper


Run, do not walk, from this chick.

No, just walk. Never run. Running is an act of fear. Walking away is an act of courage and control.

 

[8ball]

In this situation you can never go wrong by just dropping off the face of the earth.

Don't talk to her, don't pick up the phone, don't email.

Just disappear.

Running to her will further drive her away.

I know its hard, I know it sucks..but in my experience, this is the way to play it.

Hang in there!

 

[violator]

It sounds to me like a sophisticated variation of "I need space".

She is throwing you alot of chaff in order to disguise the fact that she wants to see what is out there. Or perhaps, even worse, she has already trained her sights on another prospect and is laying the ground work for her eventual departure. Remember, women are cowards. Few have the guts to directly tell you that they want out let alone tell you the reason why.

The advise to walk away and let her have her space is sound. Trying to extract answers from her at this point is futile because she will never tell you the real reason why she is pulling this stunt at the last minute.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Fsck that 8ball, I think he should be seen dating other women by her friends. That's what's needed.

Dude, it's over. She's messing with your head and laughing at you with her friends - bet she said "Watch how I make this chump come running to meet me" when you came for drinks.

Maybe that's worst case scenario, but I don't see much better.

 

[8ball]

Fsck that 8ball, I think he should be seen dating other women by her friends. That's what's needed.

If he can pull that off, that's great. But still, him making the EFFORT to make her jealous just shows that she still weilds power over him.

He should ignore her utterly. He should act like she never existed.

 

[86]

guys, a lot of really really good posts here and some damn fine advice...I am feeling better as I read these.

one more thought -- eventually she will be calling me, yes I'm pretty damn sure she will, because I'm not going to be calling her first. so I figure she'll be curious about why I'm being silent and will want to know what's up and give me a call.

do I even answer the phone? return her call? or even talk to her, period? and what to say? I mean, I could totally rip her a new one, or politely send her packing, or any other combination of words. at this point right now, I'm leaning towards laying it all down in a firm but polite manner about how she is ****ing me and the relationship up over nothing major. and then hanging up.

sorry for all the questions, I've let my pimp hand get soft and my DJ skills be weak since being in this relationship...

post on, and thanks.

 

[JohnJones]

If you really want it to be over, then ignore her calls, etc.

I want to throw out the possibility that she is throwing up tests to you -- it's been known to happen before (though I think that after 6 mos. she is less likely to be trying the "does he like me" stuff out).

I agree with the disappearance advice: if she makes a big deal out of it when she calls (and she almost certainly will), just say that as far as you could tell she needed space and that it was not a big deal for you to give it to her.