bigjohnson said:
Some women figure it out but most western women can't get past the "being a housewife is demeaning" mindset.
I have reflected on this for much of my life.
I would first say a "housewife" is not the same as a "homemaker", but I am assuming we are meaning the same thing when I use that word. I am more comfortable with word "homemaker" as a wife is married to her husband - not her house
demeaning: To lower the dignity of or lessen respect for someone, especially oneself. To lower value/devalue someone, or oneself.
I am going to use the word
Value because I am more comfortable with it.
Some reflections:
1. No overt monetary value is placed on a homemaker's work.
Our culture so often defines a person's value solely through a paycheck. There is no paycheck associated with traditional women's work.
A man builds a deck on the house. There is a consciousness of the $ saved for the family due to his labor.
A woman works out seasonal menus & cooks and shops smart, grooms the family pets, does the laundry, runs the cars in for their state inspections, cleans the house, etc. and there is usually no consciousness of the $ saved for the family.
Additionally, If you do not also bring in money as a wage earner (your Man is the sole wage earner) you are viewed as a dependant rather than as a partner who has negotiated a working understanding and agreement of contributions within the relationship with your Man.
2. "A man works from rise to set of Sun, a woman's work is never done".
Our culture values work that can be completed, pointed at as a finished product.
Traditionally, men's work has a stopping point. They can say after building a deck, "look at my completed job" and their wives/society says "Damn you're good". (Which of course he
IS LOL) And a year later, that deck is still there and he can still point to it as an accomplishment/valid contribution. It maintains it's perceived value due to it's longevity/usefullness.
Traditonal woman's work/homemaking - laundry for example: She spends hours and hours of her life doing her family's laundry. While putting it all away in the drawers, feeling content that everyone will be okay for the next week because everything is ready for them, another dirty towel is going down the laundry chute.
There is no finished moment, there is most often not even a "thank you" in her entire lifetime from any family member who has been on the receiving end of her work. There is no finished moment to create opportunity for acknowlegdement for the job well-
done - because it never is done.
3. Our culture does not truly value children.
A homemaker's role that involves being the primary caretaker of the children is undervalued because society as a whole does not truly value children themselves. So, it carries over to not valuing the primary caretaker of the children.
4. Yielding our time and attention.
Homemakers who choose to interact tradionally are viewed as weak; perceived weakness = lower value.
Because we yield our schedules and our primary attention to our Man and the needs of our children, we are often seen as weak (and boring see #5). Our choice to compromise and be flexible in this way is often perceived as a weakness instead of as a strength.
5. A homemaker is seen as one-dimensional.
If you cherish the traditional role of being the homemaker, people often assume that you are not also intellectually alive, politically aware, spiritually awake, creative, productive, or passionate. Often we women who are "wired" this way don't blab on and on about every thought we have, every insight, every book, every awakening. Generally we are better at listening, so we can better create a peaceful home life for the people we love.
We have quiet "inner" lives that most people do not see - even husbands can become oblivious to the depth of their own wives - simply because he can become so comfortable in receiving that they only see her in relation to himself and not her as a complete person. Society often does the same.
6. Peacemakers are not valued in our culture, on the whole.
What I define as a good "homemaker" is a woman who creates the environment where the family has a "soft place to land". It is a safe, noncombative environment.
You interact with your Man and your children in such a way that there is no loser - there is just learning and respecting and forgiving. You don't want the people you love to feel they have just been made less than the best person you know they are striving to be.
Culturally, there is an emphasis on the "Winner" of a conflict as having the higher value, the "Loser" as the lower value. Whereas, in my belief system anyway, a homemaker works to create a win-win environment.
Not arguing, fighting, "parenting" or regulating our Man's behavior at every turn often leads to criticism by more "liberated women", other men observing dynamics, and is seen as weak. It actually takes great strength - and faith - and loyalty - to keep your mouth shut and wait and trust your Man to find his way on things. That silence is often perceived as weakness instead of patience.
7. Being a Homemaker is not sexy.
The actual nuts-and-bolts of running a home well is not sexy. Changing diapers, scrubbing the bathroom, making the week's shopping list, running the kid's to the doctors when they are sick - it just isn't sexy. This in and of itself is not a deal breaker for being a homemaker, though. As it has it's rewards in and of itself. However...
In our culture, sexual vivacity is valued - but not promoted as compatable with homemaking, so there is a lose-lose dynamic for the Homemaker. Sexual or not, she becomes devalued.
Many people cannot reconcile sexual lust/stimulation for a woman and also see her legitimately within a role that is "motherly" or quality homemaker material as well. (I was 8 months pregant at my baby shower and a friend said to me: "Don't you think it's time you stop wearing those dresses and heels?" A
Feminist, liberated friend wanted me to tone down my sexuality because I was pregnant. It made
her uncomfortable.) It is not only men who are effected by this phenomena - it is a cultural issue of devaluing us as complete people.
Hence the Madonna-Hor complex. You are no longer valued as a desirable sexual being if you are a homemaker. We as Homemakers are often encouraged to become neutered/removed from our sexual essence to placate society's (or even sometimes our husband's - and children's) inability to accept us as whole, vibrant, sexually valued women.
Many women/homemakers buy into this belief system as well - that their usefullness/sexual "value" becomes only reproductive, but their passion and feminine sexuality is not experienced as compatable with their roles as good mothers/homemakers. Of course this damages their own self-value/self-esteem/sense of value.
The mystique of the MILF is a movement towards a healing in this regard... but I suspect that is a topic for another day...
