When GF refuses to be considerate??

[Fadero]

My girlfriend started summer school about two weeks ago. In her class, she met two guys who sit up in the front with her. The guys have a class before their class together so during that gap, they get together and study for their evening class (the class w/ my gf)

She joined their study group so as a trio, they study during the days they have class. Yesterday night, she calls me while coming home from dinner with her sisters. Because of bad reception, she had to call me back. When we talked again, she told me she was going to take a shower and that she would "call me right back" after she showered. (Usually, when she showers in the evening, it means she intends to go out)

An hour passed. She then calls me back and I can tell she's driving and already on her way somewhere.

Her: "What are you doing?
Me: "Chillin, you?"
Her: "I'm on my way to hang out with my class mates."
Me: "Which classmates? The ones in your summer school class?"
Her: "Yea."

Her: "Remember how I told you how one of the guys is a club promoter? Well we're probably going to hang out at one of the clubs he promotes. I don't know exactly which one, but I hope its not one in downtown."

At that point, I was sooo turned off and after so much silence, I replied, "Well, have fun tonight. I'll just talk to you later."

Her: "I'll call you later, ok?"
Me: "Yea" (Hangs up)

I totally felt that it was inconsiderate that:
1) She didn't even tell me beforehand that she was going out with them. Especially in such an environment. She waited til she was already on her way to then ask.

2) She didn't even offer to invite me along with them.

Eventually when she called me back, I confronted her about how I felt. I told her reasons 1 & 2. She felt that she did nothing wrong and that she was not inconsiderate. She also felt it was not a big deal, because they are her good friends. GOOD FRIENDS?! Do you know their last names? Do you know their family? Do you know their past? You just barely met them 2 weeks ago!

Basically I just told her that this was more of an issue of her being more considerate and respecting her boundaries. I told her I didn't appreciate how she was the only girl out along with two guys at a club.

I also brought up, why couldn't other people have came along? Why couldn't you have brought along another girl friend? She got defensive and said she "didn't want to babysit someone else." I then asked her, "Bringing along a friend is babysitting? Why, because you just want all the attention u can get by being the only girl between two guys?" I told her, "You can't be doing some of the things you used to do when you were single. You're in a committed relationship now, so you need to learn to compromise sometimes and do things appropriately."

She then argued that she wouldn't care if I was out late with one of my female friends because she trusts me. I told her I didn't believe her because she has a rich history of being jealous whenever I do get close to other females. She was totally bluffing just to reason out things on her terms.

She refused to see things my way. She refused to even consider hearing me out that I was trying to be constructive on all this and not trying to kick up dust and drama with her.

After a while, I was just so fed up that I told her, "I'm just going to chill right now. I'll let you get ready for bed. I'll just talk to you tomorrow."

Her: "K!" (Hangs up on me!)

And I haven't heard from her since yesterday evening. Was I justified in being concerned? Was I wrong in confronting her about this? She made me totally feel like I was the bad guy who was overreacting on something that wasn't a "big deal." Her favorite defensive words are "it's not a big deal."

I don't want to call her, because likewise, I don't feel like I did anything wrong either. What should I do?

 

[am4591]

No, you're not the bad guy here and she was inconsiderate. But--you shouldn't have let her know that it got to you. Better just to act like you don't care one way or the other. Yeah, I know she's your girlfriend but don't let her rattle you. Back off from her for a while. Don't call her or email her or whatever.

She says she wouldn't get jealous if you went out with other girls? Fine, do exactly that. Put her on the back burner for a while, date other people, and have a good time.

 

[FlyGuy]

1) She didn't even tell me beforehand that she was going out with them. Especially in such an environment. She waited til she was already on her way to then ask.

She shouldn't need to tell you about this... are you her dad? Did she skip out on something you two were supposed to do?

2) She didn't even offer to invite me along with them.

She doesn't need to invite you along either. Although, if you two are together and committed then it would have been considerate of her to invite you. I can understand that she would want a night out with friends (apart from you), but the fact that they are both male changes things a bit. Most women don't want to admit it, but there's no denying it.

I understand what you are feeling. Jealousy. Insecurity. The situation does sound like a bad thing waiting to happen... two guys out with a girl, at a club that one of the guys promotes...

But it still gets down to two things: 1)Your level of security with yourself (in other words, will you be able to easily move on and find a new girl if she ends up cheating?) and 2)Your level of trust in her.

You are not "wrong" for feeling these things. It WAS a bad move for you to confront her like that though. Now, even if she WASN'T considering anything with these guys, she will see you as insecure and jealous. Regardless of whether you were justified or had any reason. This might even push her to flirt more with these guys. I've seen it happen.

Let me ask you this... do you have any reason to feel like she would want to cheat on you besides the fact that she was out with two guys at a club? Has she been more distant physically or emotionally? Has she been avoiding you? Have you been getting into fights? Or does she seem perfectly happy with you and the relationship?

From what you've posted here, she doesn't seem too worried about the way you feel. She doesn't seem like a "giver" in the relationship and she doesn't seem to want to compromise or talk about it in a mature way.

My advice to you is to do exactly what she is doing. Don't do it to be malicious, just go out with a girl (or two ) and have fun. See how she reacts. Make some new prospects for yourself in case she does decide to leave. Maybe she will realize that you have other options too and she shouldn't take your feelings for granted.

This is exactly what women do, why shouldn't we? Normally I would advise you to talk with her about it and explain why you felt the way you did, but from what you've posted I don't think she will be receptive to your reasons. In her mind, you are over-reacting and being insecure. I don't think she would compromise with you over this. And the sad reality is that she very well COULD be out getting banged by these two other guys, or she could just be going out for some innocent fun. There is no way to know.

Fvucking women, they are masters of putting guys in a tight spot like this

 

[Monkey]

I understand how SICK you must have felt Fadero, it must have totally churned you up inside.

You're obviously not comfortable with that situation so you need to decide whether its worth it with this girl. IMO she sounds like a bit of an idot - going to a club 'somewhere' with some guys?!? whats all that about?

People view things completely different, what may be ok for her is not ok for you, and you can't control other people but you can control what you want out of a relationship. Maybe its time to move on.

 

[Fadero]

Originally posted by FlyGuy
She doesn't need to invite you along either. Although, if you two are together and committed then it would have been considerate of her to invite you.

We are together, and we are in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, so that's why I did feel she was inconsiderate for not at least inviting me out.

Her argument is that she wouldn't expect me to invite her out when I go out with people. Yea, it's blatantly obvious that she doesn't care what I think. She totally is not a giver in this relationship.

I haven't called her. No emails either. I feel it's a lose-lose situation though. Because if I call her, then I'm giving in. But if I don't call, she'll be out tonight with guys. (It's Friday night tonight) That's just how girls are.

 

[FlyGuy]

That's just how girls are.

Word, brotha!

What really pisses me off about these situations is that they try to turn it around on you and make you look like the bad guy, when in fact you're just being human.

Well man, I think you're right. Don't call her tonight. Go out and do your own thing, try to have fun and forget about her (yeah right!). I wouldn't necessarily consider this one "over", but I'll tell ya something - I woudn't want to be with someone who didn't care about the way I felt and wasn't willing to compromise. Play it cool, ride it out, and try to get some prospects in the mean time. Dating other women is an instant cure for jealousy.

 

[Paul Owen]

She is WELL out of order. Its one thing that you both should have your own lives, etc but being in a relationship has to mean something. And the fact that she went out with two guys on her own is just disgusting. Especially given that she has only known them for two weeks. You can BET that at least one of them has tried it on with her.

Pal, don't feel like you are in the wrong. She sounds very unreasonable. Personally I would dump her but I tend to be quite hard line about these things. You could just carry on dating her but, be VERY wary and don't get too emotionally involved.

 

[Quick]

I just read the new letter on sosuave.com about the guy asking if his girlfriend was being overly jealous. He had lunch with a girl that he's known for years. Doc's conclusion was that the guy was in the wrong if he would consider being with his lunch date or if his lunch date wants to be with him.

One thing we know for sure is that those guys asked out your girl because they're interested in her. There's no confusion there. They're not interested in being her friends. I'd be suprised if one of them didn't hit on her by now. Not trying to make you paranoid, but let's be honest.

The other aspect is if she has any interest in them. What's so interesting about them that they're her new "good friends"? What does she think they want from her? What does she want from them? Have you even met these guys? They might not even know she has a boyfriend, in which case, she doesn't.

The whole point of that was to say that there's nothing wrong with you having a problem with her actions. I think the right first step was to state clearly that you have a problem with it without being emotional. If you had control, she would question herself on whether her actions were correct. You're not, and she's not working with you. I know it's easy to tell others to leave, but you need to do some serious thinking about whether this girl is long term relationship material. The key to a successful relationship is two people are willing to work together.

It sounds like what you have here is a girl that sees no difference between being single and being committed. She may not cheat, but it's guaranteed that when she leaves you for being insecure, your replacement will already be within her circle of "friends." At the very least, you need to have girls as friends also. It'll cause you to worry less about her, and you can put into perspective how she compares to other people. Also, you can find out how serious she is about trusting you to go out at night with other girls. What's not going to work is for you to be respectful and dedicated, while she's going out with new guys. That makes your relationship very unequal and destined for you to get hurt.

 

[Fadero]

Yea, it's becoming more clear to me that she doesn't take me very seriously. I just graduated from college and during my graduation party, she was late for it and she only ended up staying only 1hr before accepting a cel phone call from her cousin who she claimed she hasn't seen in a long time..and she ended up clubbing instead of staying at my once-in-a-lifetime college graduation party.

Another example is that she's hardly affectionate with me. I'm the one mostly trying to be affectionate with her. And during this whole month of being with her, we haven't even been intimate together. She just does not show any drive for being intimate with me.

I confronted her about studying at some guy's house late at night (midnight to 2am). She was only supposed to pick up a study guide from the dude, but he offered to help her w/ her hwk and have her study at his place since she was coming over. She ended up doing so, and even though I invited her to come over afterwards (he lives only 2 blocks away from me in my same city), she passed on me and went straight home because she was "tired" and it was "late."

And I will bring up an incident of one time I received a phone call from a female friend while I was hanging out with her & her parents in the family room. After I got off with my friend, her dad openly asked, "Fadero, was that your girlfriend?" I looked at her and she had a look as if she was embarassed. I found out she had not even announced to her parents that we were officially boyfriend & girlfriend. Her premise was that she will do it when the time is right, and that she won't just go straight up and just announce it to them. It doesn't make sense to me. What's so hard with saying it? They see us together all the time, and according to her already, she has announced that we have been dating. So why is it so hard to finally announce we're a couple? Shouldn't she be happy with that kind of news?

Personally, I think she isn't announcing to people that we're a couple, so that she can still play the field and still get mock attention from guys. She is such an attention wh0re.

 

[Stillwell]

This seems like a dead-end. Sit down and expose your true feelings to her. If she doesn't care, you're losing everything in this relationship, including precious time.

 

[Kwah]

Drop her sorry ass. Shes totally taking advantage of you dude. lay down the law and if she doesnt shape up get rid of her.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Fadero, I can see where both of you are right. She's right, and you're right.

And I'll even allow that you're more right.

Problem is, I read your stuff and you sound like a woman. Or you write with a woman's voice---over-justifications, emotionalism, reading into things, interpreting things, etc.

Your gut is telling you she's on her way out. And you're right---she is, she's just waiting for you to make things so nasty that she can leave and blame you. And she's looking to get another situation set up before leaving you.

You're both playing your parts perfectly--she's qualifying other guys (as you suspect) and you are beginning to make things nasty over every little thing.

It's just a matter of time, and the countdown has begun.

But the interpreting everything she does, everything she says and seeing how her side is unjustified and she SHOULD do this or feel that and SHOULD consider your side and see things YOUR way and---I think I'm hearing one of the girls at work go on about her BF she can't quite bring herself to dump like she knows she should.

Enough. You've got all the input you need. Now you have to MOVE, or do something ACTIVE, make a DECISION and carry it out and not sit there and pick over her actions and every word and what it means ad nauseum (sure, for the record--I used to do this and know whereof I speak.)

There's no really saving this relationship, but if it's the first time for you, go ahead and try.

I'd say move on and do it as soon as you can.

 

[Quick]

It's even worse than I thought. That's not a girlfriend you have there. What is she doing for you that you would be committed to her? No sex, affection, or trust. She's giving you all the signs that she's going to break up with you soon, and you're just sitting around waiting for it to happen. You really need to break up with her, not just to beat her to the punch, but because you realize that she's not worthy of being the one girl in your life. What makes a girl worthy, isn't what she is, but what she does. If you simply want something beautiful hanging around and giving nothing back, you should get a poster.

 

[stuartSan]

The easiest way to handle a girl doing something you don't like is by doing the same thing back.

If she goes out with guys without asking you, then you invite a girl over to your place. She attended your college graduation for only an hour and went enjoying with someone else later on? Give her the same amount of care when she has a special occasion. If she questions your actions, you could always refer to hers. Only reciprocrate warmth to those who are worth it. Not blindly.

Also, if you plan to do this, do not confront her on the issues. Act as if it doesn't bother you, as long as you could do the same things she's doing. I believe in no-double-standards in relationships.

If she still can't take a hint, then its time you talked to her.. and if she still refuses to come to terms, there's nothing much you can do. If there's no respect, there can be no relationship. You could still hold on, but ask yourself if it would last.

 

[Monkey]

No forget the game playing and doing the same thing back to her, its a waste of time.

From what I've read she does'nt care about you at all, you're probably just the 'trophy' boyfriend that she mentions to her friends. She wants the best of both worlds. Don't put up with this crap any longer, shes walking all over you.

Go find someone who treats you with respect!

IMO I would call her right now and say I needed 'space' then see how she reacts.

 

[am4591]

Wait a minute, you're not even fvcking this gal? AND you're putting up with her sh!t? Why did you even get with her in the first place?

Don't sit her down and talk to her about your "feelings". Don't call her. Just dump her, no explanation. Start seeing other women and forget about this one. If she comes crawling back, let it be on your terms only.

 

[Igor]

I think it's quite obvious that this relationship is not salvageable. Dump her NOW. Then re-read the bible, frankly you sound like you're not really in the DJ mindset right now...

 

[-Zero_h0uR-]

Originally posted by Fadero
Another example is that she's hardly affectionate with me. I'm the one mostly trying to be affectionate with her. And during this whole month of being with her, we haven't even been intimate together. She just does not show any drive for being intimate with me.

Then why bother? Why should you spend your time caring for and worrying about someone who obviously doesn't return the favor?

Originally posted by Fadero
And I will bring up an incident of one time I received a phone call from a female friend while I was hanging out with her & her parents in the family room. After I got off with my friend, her dad openly asked, "Fadero, was that your girlfriend?" I looked at her and she had a look as if she was embarassed. I found out she had not even announced to her parents that we were officially boyfriend & girlfriend.

I believe Chris Rock said it best in "Chapagne Room," when he said "if you are dating someone, and you never met his friends, you are not his girlfriend." Well, this works the same way. If she is fairly close with her parents, and hasn't told them about you yet, you're not her boyfriend. I'd drop a benjamin down on a bet to say that these two guys don't know about you, either.


Dude, my advice is to get rid of her.
However, you can't be weak about it, or let her think you're sad. She thinks she has the upper hand in the relationship, which she does. She thinks she has you wrapped around her little finger. Whoever has the least amount of interest vested in the relationship is in control. Remember? You're more interested than she is, obviously.

So you need to make a clean break, and do it quick, like a band aid. Just say, "This isn't working for me anymore. I think we should see other people." And DO NOT listen to anything at all she says after that.

Don't listen to her if she cries, don't listen to her if she agrees. Just walk away.

That's exactly what I would do. There's a ton of chicks out there, and I'm sure it won't be that hard to find one who will treat you well.


-- Zero-

 

[vegajed]

Make sure to get a better leash for your next girlfriend...or maybe use one of those geotracking devices to keep tabs on her...

LOL

 

[Kwah]

Or a shock collar. Every time she does something you dont like give her a zap. That'll keep her in line.

But on a less serious note, dump this chick dude, do it before she can broadside you with it. On the flip side she may think you already did